By Dusty Giebink, DEJ Experience Member

I could sit here and write a whole bunch of words about how WWE should push the cruiserweights, or how Vince McMahon doesn’t care about the people, or how TNA is run by a bunch of garbage men who spend the rest of their time tossing money into a gigantic toilet. But these columns have been done to death on the internet, they aren’t particularly interesting or newsworthy anymore, and if you’re anything like me, you’re bored of them by now. So in lieu of something interesting to say, I will keep coming up with different fake ways to help make WWE some more money.

I’m sure by now you’ve seen John Cena’s new shirt, the one based on the old Pro Wrestling video game for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Old school. I like it. Chances are, if you post on a wrestling message board, you have already decided you hate it, because posting on wrestling message boards seems to do something to your brain that makes you hate everything about wrestling. But I digress. What I was saying was, I like the shirt. And it got me thinking: if Nintendo is cool again, what other ways can WWE exploit this trend? The obvious answer is their next video game.

Instead of making a regular old wrestling game like Raw vs. Smackdown, where you pick a wrestler and have to beat everyone else on the roster and suffer through some lame storylines that make as much sense as/are about as interesting as your typical episode of Impact, there is a different way WWE can make a video game that features some of its talent, that would also take advantage of any nostalgia craze that may exist for old school Nintendo.

What I’m suggesting is something so revolutionary, it may very well change the fabric of your life. What I’m suggesting is that WWE create a video game based on the original Super Mario Brothers game, and license it exclusively to the Nintendo Wii system. (And I say this not just because that is the system that I will be obtaining in less than one month’s time. It’s just a perfect fit for what we’re trying to accomplish here.)

That is, I’m suggesting a classic side scroller game where you play as Triple H (or Shawn Michaels, in two player mode), and you have to fight through eight levels successfully in order to save the fair princess, Maria, from the clutches of the evil Mr. McMahon. In the final stage, you actually have to face Mr. McMahon one-on-one for ultimate supremacy, and only if you defeat him do you win the game and rescue the fair princess. This concept accomplishes several things. For one, it represents a new chapter in the time tested DX vs. McMahon feud, which I’m sure will be rehashed again on WWE television just in time for the release of the game. For another thing, it allows for Triple H to overcome the odds (eight opponents is just another day at the office for our hero!) and save the day once again. For a third thing, it allows me to mention Maria, which is never a bad thing.

Each of the eight levels would culminate with a battle pitting Triple H against a different WWE Raw superstar. I already talked about how Mr. McMahon is the boss in the eighth and final level, but in order to get to him, you have to go through seven other different challengers, each with his own unique world in line with his character. Here is a brief rundown of how I see these levels looking:

Level 1: Santino. Just like in real life, the video game Santino would talk a good game, but ultimately be the easiest one to defeat. Once you reach Santino’s castle, he hurls a bunch of witty insults at you, but mounts no counter attack to your offensive onslaught. Santino would be the veritable Glass Joe of the game.

Level 2: Carlito. Defeating Santino would naturally lead directly to the second level, featuring his partner in crime, Carlito Cool. Carlito’s deadly assault would consist of spitting apples at you. If you learn how to dodge the apples and strike while he is biting down on them, you should be successful!

Level 3: Trevor Murdoch. Because it would be funny, that’s why. Trevor could ride around in a little farm tractor, and you would not only have to knock him off of it and destroy the tractor, but then you would have to kill T-Murda as well. Take advantage of his lack of speed by jumping around, striking and moving, to pummel him into submission.

Level 4: Snitsky. Can you imagine how insane a Snitsky World would be? I can’t, mostly because that’s not something I want my brain to be thinking about. But since Ol’ Snit has a foot fetish, I imagine he would be throwing feet at you or some such thing, and you would have to dodge them or else lose precious energy on your life meter.

Level 5: Umaga. They just keep getting bigger and stronger and angrier, folks, as Hunter’s next challenge would be the Samoan Bulldozer. Much like Murdoch and his farm tractor, you would have to destroy the actual bulldozer and then Umaga himself in order to be successful at this level. Beware of the actual spikes Umaga will throw at you, because the game designers are literal minded people through and through!

Level 6: JBL. In JBL’s world, you don’t collect coins, the coins are out to destroy you! Because he’s rich, see? He has a lot of coins. Nevermind. In any event, at the end of this level, you fight JBL from inside his Uncle Scrooge money bin. Being able to duck down into the pool and swim away from you makes him the most formidable foe yet.

Level 7: Randy Orton. This is the most treacherous level of them all, until you get to eight, of course. Actually, that’s if you get to eight, because this one is a doozy. Randy Orton’s boring offensive maneuvers and speaking abilities will put a figurative sleeper hold on you. If he locks in the headlock, it’s curtains for little Hunter.

In any event, that’s just a rough overview of how I see this game looking. Like I said, you would have beat each boss in order to get to the next level, and then defeat Mr. McMahon in the last level in order to rescue the princess. A time tested method for video game awesomeness, now in WWE form! On a side note, I picture Cody Rhodes in the Toad role, congratulating you at the end of each level, but telling you the princess is in another castle. After defeating Mr. McMahon, your little Triple H also smashes Cody to smithereens with the sledgehammer, just out of spite.

Reserve your copy today!

Dusty Giebink is the “D” in the DEJ Experience. He realizes this column would have been “even funnier” with the assistance of drawings depicting what he was writing about, but the DEJ crew is on a shoestring budget, so what are ya gonna do? Look for Kevin’s column on Saturday and Jeremy’s column on Sunday. If you haven’t already read Eric’s Thursday column, you should have feelings of great regret right about now. Dusty can be contacted on the PWTorch.com VIP Forum, or at theaudioexperience@gmail.com.