By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for this month's WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from the Incredible Shrinking WWE Creative Team. Projections are not predictions. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the complete 22 volume World Book Encyclopedia for 2006. World Book Encyclopedia, the number-one selling print encyclopedia in the world, a division of Berkshire Hathaway. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE except for the part where he'd have to run to the store for pickles and ice cream for pregnant Stephanie McMahon.

We here at McNeill's Take have heard from a surprising number of wrestling fans who just aren't interested in WWE television. Based on Vince McMahon's reaction to submitted scripts over the past several weeks, it sounds like he isn't that interested in his current television shows either. That might explain why WWE is experiencing its lowest television ratings in over a decade. There's also the small problem of having the same six to eight guys headlining WWE pay-per-views in perpetuity, which is why watching Floyd Mayweather in action at WrestleMania seem like such a nice break.

Also On the Show: If you somehow missed Monday's episode of Raw with John Cena taking on Randy Orton, I'm sure Jack Korpela will present it for you on the preshow.

Big Show vs. Mark Henry: Paul Wight has to beat every big clod on the Smackdown and ECW rosters to get built up for his inevitable feud with the Undertaker this summer. Smackdown's running out of big clods, and who would thought we'd ever get to that point? Projection? Show wins with the chokeslam. Mark Henry sits back and waits for whatever big plan Michael Hayes will have for him when the head Smackdown writer returns from his long vacation.

Shawn Michaels vs. WWE Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho: This classic tilt will be a non-title match, because it would cause irreparable damage to World Wrestling Entertainment if anyone cared, even for a moment, about the WWE Intercontinental Title. Projection? Jericho beats Michaels when Michaels injures his knee, for real this time, and Michales passes out from the pain while in the Walls of Jericho.

John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield (Battle of the Johns): John Cena, fresh off filming a movie, definitely needs to be in a new feud against a heel he hasn't faced in a while. The trouble with that is, Bradshaw has mostly bored the hell out of WWE fans over the past five months. Oh, her promos are fine, but you wouldn't want to sit through his matches. Cena will have to carry him. Projection? Cena beats JBL clean with the F-U as the desperate quest to bring Layfield back to his 2005 workrate continues.

Mickie James vs. Melina Perez vs. Beth Phoenix (WWE Women's Title Match): All the heat this month has been between Melina and beth. How can anyone stay mad at that sweet Mickie James? Someone is WWE must be upset with Mickie for hooking up with an undercarder, because Mickie's character had to ask John Cena out on Raw. Not that Cena was complaining. Projection? Mickie pins Melina as WWE pushes back the singles return bout between James and Phoenix for as long as humanly possible.

The Undertaker vs. Edge (Smackdown World Heavyweight Title): WWE had Undertaker stripped of the Smackdown belt sixteen days ago on television. Did you think they did that so the company could turn back around and give the Dead Man the belt again? Actually, they might have. It's been crazy lately. Projection? Forty million people interfere and Edge wins his belt back. there are plenty of options for booking a show around heel champion Edge. There's not that much to do with Undertaker as champion.

John Morrison & The Miz vs. Kane & C.M. Punk (WWE Smackdown Tag Team Titles): They'd better do this match, since it's the only feud the ECW television show has set up over the past few weeks. Projection? Morrison pins Punk. The tag team champions retain against the two biggest fan favorites on the program. Hey, if any of you want to see Kane and Punk win the belts together and one of them slowly turns heel on the other one, that's great. But I get the feeling this feud has more life left in it.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton (WWE Heavyweight Title – Steel Cage): Sure, you've seen it before, but this time it's in a cage. It will also be a good match. Projection? Triple H wears the crimson mask, pins Orton clean.

Aftermath: One Night Stand is only two weeks away. Let's go with Triple H vs. William Regal in an Extreme Rule Match, Cena vs. Orton in a street fight and Kane and Undertaker team up to fight Edge and his Edgeheads in a Casket Match. Then let's get some fresh main eventers.

***
Pat McNeill of Fairfax, Virginia has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He's only happy when it rains, especially during allergy season. His longer, weekly column appears exclusively in the Torch Newsletter.