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GUEST EDITORIAL
By Sam Benedict
PWTorch.com Reader
In an in-ring interview with Mike Tenay that's sure to "Cross the Line" from mere Thug-o-nomics to true mathematical innovation, Scott Steiner achieved a new height in the heel heat he's been building in academic circles.
Already the Father of the influential Big, Bad, Booty school of thought, Steiner (or "Big Poppa Pi x r Squared," as he's fast becoming known) started things off with a preliminary dissertation on decimals. His seminar compared the probability of a Freak leaving one of his sessions unsatisfied (0.00001 percent) to his own chances of losing to Norman Smiley via Big Wiggle (0.0000098). Meanwhile, Lil' Petey Pump frantically kept track of all calculations on a six-sided blackboard.
Some witnesses have reported that Steiner's inspiration arrived after staring at his own perfectly circular bicep for several fateful moments. His promo apparently trailed off as follows: "And as all you fat, out-of-shape losers can clearly derive from these findings, Big Poppa Pump is every Freak's Hook-Up! Holler, if you three point one four one five nine two six five..." Ever the avid statistician, Mike Tenay began furiously taking down the expanding figure on a notepad he had handy.
Scotty continued to recite numbers for approximately ten minutes, in what is being described as the most air-tight, relevant "shoot" promo in recent memory. Finally, frustrated with the constraints of a two-hour format, Steiner got down on the mat to make his point, performing 3.14159 (etc.) pushups, the precise cardiovascular equivalent of Pi. The Impact Zone lights promptly shorted out, revealing that all past Live Impact glitches had been the result of Steiner periodically testing the laws of our reality in the back, not production staff incompetence, as had been previously thought.
When the lights came back up, there was a great tear in the center of the mat, with what looked like a wormhole spiraling under the ring. Judas Mesias emerged, reliably hemorrhaging uncontrollably. He snatched the slip of paper Tenay had been writing on, then looked around him in abject rage. He then tucked Petey Pump under one arm and disappeared with our X-Division champion back down the chasm.
TNA management has immediately pointed to this phenomenon as proof of Steiner's genius, claiming that his discovery quite predictably tore open a new portal to Hell. They also touted the mathematical and metaphysical merits of the hexagonal ring, announcing that TNA's Six-Sided philosophy had been vindicated at last. Some have also circulated the rumor that Don West mentioned that "Rellik is Killer spelled backwards" a total of 3.14 times in a previous segment, making the conditions for space-time continuum rupture all the more ideal.
Konnan, meanwhile, has filed another defamation suit against TNA wrestling for implying that Hell is located somewhere in Mexico. "That's no worm-hole, holmes," Konnan asserted. "TNA wrestlers have been chipping away at that Shawshank Redemption tunnel for years. It leads to freedom on the Mexican Wrestling Circuit. Ricky Banderas just happened to be coming through to pick up his last check. When it looked like it was only written out to $3.14 (not an unheard of pay-off) he went ballistic, and took Petey Williams as temporary collateral."
When contacted for comment about the Inferno being situated just south of the border, the Booty Daddy just added fuel to the fire. "Numbers Don't Lie!" He shot back, and stalked off, a T-square attached to his steel pipe.
Behind-the-scenes insiders say that TNA has already negotiated for Williams's return to the Impact Zone. Upon his physical and psychological recuperation, he's to be repackaged as Judas, Jr., a.k.a. Mini-Mesias. "We're not going to throw away a timeless, money-making character like Judas Mesias just because the original refuses to leave Mexico - I mean fiery, fiery Hades - to show up for work in our mortal realm," Jeff Jarrett said.
TNA has issued a press release for an upcoming edition of Impact, encouraging all hardcore fans of scientific wrestling to tune in: Having pinned down Pi cleanly in the middle of the ring, "Dr. Frankensteiner"'s next logical opponent is "The Elegant Universe." He will prove String Theory true once and for all, using only a vein in his arm for reference.
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