By James Caldwell, Torch columnist

WWE Smackdown on CW
September 21, 2007
Taped September 18 in Atlanta, Ga.
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist

They start the Season Premiere with an open invitation to the Kristal & Teddy wedding. Awww. They cut backstage where Maria and the Ying Yang Twins are hosting. Maria excitedly talked about the wedding, then Coach Carlton Banks and Vince McMahon walked into the shot. Vince shook hands with the Twins, then Coach assured Vince that Hornswoggle is not here tonight. Coach then said he's big fans of the Ying Yang Twins. He said he loves country music and they were just in Nashville the other night. The Twins hung their heads in shame at Coach, then Vince escorted him away.

Ringside, Michael Cole and JBL broke down the show. Cole said Smackdown isn't just changing Friday nights, but changing PPV. He said they are still reeling from what happened on Sunday. Yes, as is everyone who ordered that show.

The new World Hvt. champion Batista walked out to cut a promo about becoming new champion. Batista said it feels good to be champ again, then he said he knows Rey Mysterio will be World champion again someday. He said Great Khali is exercising his re-match clause at No Mercy in a Punjabi Prison match. That was the slowest four-sentence promo ever. Mark Henry then interrupted and walked out to confront Batista. Henry started with a grammatical pet peeve that he could care less about Batista vs. Khali at the PPV, but he does care about his re-match with Undertaker next week. I think we all had enough last Sunday. Henry said he's going to end Taker's career next week. And he can take the World Title belt from Batista anytime he wants it. Batista finally woke up and said Henry is as stupid as he is ugly. Henry threw his mic down, then Batista said last time he checked, Taker beat him at the PPV. Batista said he's been waiting a long time to take him out, so he challenged him to a match tonight.

[Commercial Break]

Backstage, Jeff Hardy walked into the Maria Set and handed off his IC Title belt to one of the Twins. The other Twin showed off the belt around his waist. Maria then started grooving with Jeff, who should probably stick to moving in the ring.

1 -- JIMMY WANG YANG vs. JAMIE NOBLE

Cole started the match by saying this is the only place on TV where you're going to see Cruiserweight action on TV. So true, especially when TNA's equivalent disappears every other week. Noble quickly shook off his dejection from being embarrassed by Hornswoggle the last few weeks, and went to work on Yang's arm. Noble applied a cross arm-breaker, but Yang moved to the ropes to force a break. Yang tried to make a comeback, but Noble cut him off with a big boot to the face. They cut to a shot ringside of a green hat peeking over the guardrail. Noble went searching for Hornswoggle, but it was just Shannon Moore squatting below the guardrail. Shannon laughed at the misfortunes of Noble, who turned around and took a flying splash from Yang. Back in the ring, Yang with a top rope moonsault for the win.

WINNER: Yang in 5:00. A fine TV match, but that Shannon Moore is quite the jerk in this new era of babyfaces acting like jerks and preying on the heels to exploit their weaknesses. (*1/4)

Backstage, MVP was holding a football and ready to throw through a tire. Matt Hardy approached him from behind and told him to hurry up and through. MVP missed off the top of the tire, but scored on the next throw. Hardy then nailed his first two tosses through the tire, but MVP intercepted the third one. He claimed his instincts took over since he's a world-class defensive athlete. Hardy went for a relevant jab, wondering if Bill Belichek taught him defense. MVP smirked, then Hardy said he's beat him at every competition, so he wants a shot at the U.S. Title. MVP quickly changed the subject and said they have a tag match up next.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- MATT HARDY & MVP vs. DEUCE & DOMINO (w/Cherry) -- non-title match

It's amazing how little depth there is in the tag division when the Greasers are trying to "get back in the hunt" for the belts and instead of working their way past a few tag teams, they're facing the tag champs. As usual, Hardy and MVP argued over who should start the match. MVP had control, but he was distracted by Deuce, allowing Domino to nail a kick to the back of the head. The Greasers went on the offensive before they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Greasers still in control out of the break. MVP then avoided a leaping kick from Deuce and he slowly rolled over to his corner to make a tag. The slowest crawl for a hot tag in history. Hardy came in and cleaned house. MVP then wanted to tag in and get the glory, but Hardy with a side effect on Domino. He got too close to his corner when looking for the Twist of Fate, and MVP tried to swipe a tag, but Hardy moved. Domino then nailed MVP when Hardy ducked. MVP and Hardy argued, then Hardy shoved MVP down. Domino then rolled up Hardy from behind for the win.

WINNERS: Greasers in 10:00. The MVP-Hardy (or MVP & Hardy) program continues to be one of the better storylines in WWE right now, as they have good chemistry and produce two or three good segments each week. (*)

Backstage, Teddy Long was getting prepared for the wedding. Butch Reed asked Teddy how he got a girl so fine like Kristal Marshall. Teddy told the Natural to chill out in front of his grandson. He said he's yet to get Kristal in bed, but tonight, he's going to consummate the marriage and make her holla holla holla. And everyone laughed.

[Commercial Break]

Michael Cole was in center ring for an interview with Rey Mysterio, who came out dressed to wrestle. JBL said Rey is one of the most popular wrestlers in WWE history. The ratings evidence is there. Cole asked Rey about being seconds away from re-capturing the World Title at the PPV. He said he feels great being back in the ring, but what he needs to do is congratulate Batista on becoming champ. He said they're still friends, but he's going to get the belt back one day. They transitioned to the Chavo Guerrero storyline and Cole asked Rey if he gained some revenge by taking out Chavo a few weeks ago. Rey said it's redemption, not revenge.

The customary interruption during a Rey interview came from JBL, who ripped on Cole for doing a softball interview like Larry King with the Benoit story. Whoops, he said Larry King with Paris Hilton. JBL then called out Rey for being a disgrace to the show, his country, and the 619. Rey quickly quieted JBL by reminding him that he retired his ass two years ago. JBL quieted down, then took off his jacket and hat. Rey told him to fight if he wanted to fight. JBL started to unbutton his shirt for a fight, but he said that with his contract as an announcer, he's not allowed to beat up the superstars. Rey said he knows someone who loves to fight, though, and he brought out Finlay. JBL handed the mic to Finlay, who smashed Rey in the face with it. Better than a chair shot and equally effective if sold correctly. Rey collapsed to the mat, then Finlay stared down at him. He picked up his shillelagh and left while Rey tried to collect himself. Where's Rey's bff, Batista?

[Commercial Break]

The Raw Rebound aired focusing on the Cenas bullying Coach Banks and Randy Orton beating up Mr. Cena.

Jimmy Wang Yang walked onto the Maria set. He pointed out the Yang connection, then said he's their boy. One of the Twins said he's their brother from a different mother. Carlito walked onto the set for five seconds before moving out of the way when a loud sound was heard off camera. Chuck Palumbo crashed the set on his bike. He cemented himself as the most annoying man on Friday nights by just revving his bike and making a goofy head-bobbing face for the camera. No words were spoken, even as Maria tried to interview him. He sped off.

[Commercial Break]

They aired a WWE.com exclusive clip on the Diva Search limbo contest.

In the women's locker room area, the ladies drank champagne with Kristal. Jagged Edge then walked in and hugged everyone. Kristal said she wishes she had her CD with her. Vicki Guerrero just so happened to have it, so JE signed it for Kristal. They started an impromptu performance for Kristal ahead of their performance. Kristal got goose bumps as they serenaded her. Michelle McCool is loving life, then hugs and kisses for everyone.

Mark Henry and Batista came out for the main event match.

3 -- MARK HENRY vs. BATISTA

Henry quickly took control of the match, but Batista came back with a spinebuster at 3:00. Suddenly, Khali's music hit and he walked out with Translator Guy. Batista left the ring, then kicked Khali on the entrance ramp. He then speared Henry on the floor after Henry came out to the ring. Batista made a bad decision to turn around and walk into a blow from Khali. He tossed Batista into the ring steps and the ref tossed out the match.

With the match done, Khali took Batista into the ring and gave him a big boot to the face. He put Batista in the Claw, then Henry joined in on the fun with a running clothesline. Khali gave Batista a two-hand choke bomb, then stood over Batista's fallen body.

WINNER: No Decision in 4:00. Here we go with another few weeks of Khali domination leading to the PPV. (1/2*)

[Commercial Break]

Time for the wedding. Various dignitaries came to ringside for the ceremony. WWE wrestlers, agents, tax men, generals, GMs, and divas came out and sat down. Hornswoggle then popped out from underneath the ring with a mini-chair and phone book. He popped a seat next to Vince McMahon and Coach before sitting on the phone book. Vince was not happy.

[Commercial Break]

Teddy Long walked out to the ring, then the bridesmaids walked out with Long's groomsmen. Kristal followed out, but tripped on the steps leading to the ring. Oops. Teddy quickly picked her up and told everyone that it's OK. The Reverend said it was just Kristal falling for his love. He then introduced Jagged Edge's "Let's Get Married". Ah, an old school '90s jam that brings back memories. Teddy threw in some background on the vocals while the WWE cast swayed back and forth. Vince swayed, but didn't throw his hands in the air. Suddenly, Jillian Hall walked out with a giant headset mic on her face. She said she's can't allow this ceremony to be tainted by that horrible music performance from JE. She said she would be honored to sing them an original song. Jillian started to screech through a song before divas grabbed Jillian and hauled her off to the back. "Praise Jesus" the Reverend said. Some of the outfits from the WWE wrestlers were great. Hornswoggle started fooling around with Coach, then Vince told him to sit down and be quiet. This interrupted the ceremony, but generated a "Horn-swoggle" chant. The Reverend waited for the interruption to clear out, then he proceeded with the vows and comments. Before that, he asked if anyone does not agree with the ceremony.

Suddenly, some pimpin' music hit and the Godfather walked out with some hos. Teddy wasn't happy, while Kristal started crying. She then turned indignant while Elijah Burke started dancing in the aisle. Godfather said it's time for everyone to get on the ho train, but Teddy said this is his wedding. He then reminded Long of the good times they used to have with Ron Simmons back in the day. Teddy said they had a lot of fun over the years, but he doesn't know anything he would rather do than spend the rest of his life with Kristal. Godfather said they didn't come all the way down to the Dirty South to leave empty handed. Simmons got a little too excited, then shouted "Damn!", much to Kristal's dismay. He surveyed the audience if anyone wanted to take a ride. The men started jumping up and down while the divas reprimanded them for wanting to take a ride. Godfather then rolled out with the hos while the guys high-fived each other. JBL said he wanted to take one more ride on the ho train, so he left the broadcast position. Vince told JBL to get back to his booth, but JBL kept rolling along with the rest of the men. The divas were left alone, including Extreme Expose, who were ditched by Miz. Patterson and Brisco chose not to take a ride on the ho train.

After that, they proceeded with the wedding. Teddy said his vows as Kristal smiled and laughed. Vince, Coach, and Hornswoggle started to horse around while Kristal started her vows. Suddenly, Hornswoggle ran into the ring and underneath Kristal's dress. Coach followed under the dress and comedy hilarity ensued. Hornswoggle ran out of the ring and slapped Vince on the head. Coach chased Hornswoggle, then Vince did a weird run chasing both men to the back. And with that out of the way, they went to the I-do's. Kristal smiled and said, "I do". Teddy then started to say it, but he suddenly clutched his chest and immediately dropped to the mat face-first. Everyone remaining started screaming and gasping. Kristal screamed and shouted while the groomsmen checked on Teddy. Paramedics then scrambled into the ring and strapped Teddy to a stretcher. Someone stepped on the chord leading to the flow of oxygen. They ended the show with Teddy's live hanging in the balance. So, now WWE can say they contributed to six deaths in the wrestling industry.

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