KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT 2/4: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of live show on USA
Feb 4, 2008 - 9:05:41 PM
By Wade Keller, Torch editor
KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
FEBRUARY 4, 2008
TAPE DELAY FROM AUSTIN, TEX.
WHAT HAPPENED: 1ST HOUR
-A full pyro show opened the show. Then Randy Orton was shown standing in mid-ring as Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduced the show. Orton said John Cena accepted his invite to wrestle him at No Way Out for the WWE Title. He said Cena's word means nothing to him, so he wants it in writing so there's no way he can back out of the match in two weeks. He said Cena therefore cannot claim he is not fully recovered. He was there to be "no way out" for Cena. Get it? He said he had his lawyers draw up the contract, which he has already signed. He called Cena to the ring. Cena came out and signed the document quickly. Orton told him that if he suffers a pec injury later in an arm wrestling contest against Mark Henry, he'll still have to fulfill his match at No Way Out. Then Henry made his way to the ring. Cena turned to face him. Orton got up and gave him an RKO.
[Commercial Break]
-An ad ran for the "Legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin" DVD, which is released a week from tomorrow.
-Todd Grisham interviewed Orton and Henry backstage. He asked why they set Cena up. Orton said Henry came out on his own and he took advantage of the situation. Henry yanked the mic away from Grisham and said he'll enjoy ripping Cena's arm out of its socket.
1 -- KELLY KELLY & MICKIE JAMES vs. BETH PHOENIX & VICTORIA
Lawler was speechless during Kelly's spirited ring intro, finally uttering, "Mannn!" We got some fresh camera angles this week of the new entrance stage, too, so they're having fun with the new set and new look as the weeks progress. Mickie got in a flurry of offense against Victoria, but when she went to the top rope, Phoenix shook the top rope and Mickie landed awkwardly on her left leg. She clutched her knee. Phoenix scored a near fall right away. Mickie surprised Phoenix with a guillotine for a few seconds, but Phoenix escaped and tagged in Victoria. The way the women sell, everything seems real because things look less-than-smooth most of the time where it looks as if someone could have been hurt. Anyway, Mickie quickly finished Victoria with a DDT. Mickie signalled she wanted a Women's Title shot after that win.
WINNERS: James & Kelly in 3:00.
STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Awkward and clunky, but entertaining.
[Commercial Break]
-William Regal asked Hornswoggle backstage if he thought he was too good to join "the club" (Kiss My Ass Club). He said he was part of it and he should be proud to join.
-Shawn Michaels walked out with a full ring intro. He said he came close to winning the Royal Rumble last year, but he's not happy with finishing in second place last year and came "this close" (holds thumb and index finger an inch or so apart). He said he came "this close" (holds thumb and index finger a centimeter apart) to beating John Cena at WrestleMania. He said anyone who says they're satisfied with second place is a liar. He said he has held every WWE title and sings his own theme song (pauses for laughs, which came), but he still finds himself unsatisfied. He said he's putting everyone in the Elimination Chamber on notice - "friend, foe, and Umaga, wherever he falls into all this." Chris Jericho's music then interrupted and Michaels made a cartoonish sarcastic silly-face.
Jericho quickly strode to the ring. One loud fan chanted "Y2J" near one of the mics. Jericho said one of his personal favorite matches of all time was at WrestleMania 19 when he faced Michaels. He said he agrees with almost everything he said, except when he insinuated he'd win the Elimination Chamber, "because you're not." He said there isn't a man, woman, child, or hermaphrodite who has been in more or won more Elimination Chambers than he has. (Hermaphrodite references are sooo ten years ago.) He said his need to return to the main event of WrestleMania is unstoppable. Jeff Hardy's music then interrupted and he made his way to the ring.
Hardy made his case for winning the Chamber. JBL then interrupted and made his case to a chorus of boos. Umaga's music then played. He, disappointingly, said nothing. He just made faces. Snitsky's music played. He said they all have had their chance before. He said if he isn't given opportunities, he'll take it. Fans chanted "Brush your teeth." Michaels said he doesn't deserve "squat," other than an appointment with a good dental hygienist. Shockingly, the talking soon ended and a brawl broke out, with Michaels taking the first shot at Snitsky, putting things in "a language you can understand." Umaga and Hardy brawled and Jericho and JBL brawled.
William Regal rushed onto the stage and said since they can't wait until No Way Out, he booked them in a six-man tag match.
[Commercial Break]
2 -- MR. KENNEDY vs. SUPER CRAZY
Lawler and Ross pushed viewers to Smackdown Your Vote on Tuesday and let your voice be heard in politics. After a lock-up, Kennedy dropped Crazy, worked over his leg for two minutes, and forced him to tap. During the match, Lawler and Ross talked about the Ric Flair retirement stip.
WINNER: Kennedy in 2:00.
STAR RATING: 1/4* - Fine, but not much to it.
-Kennedy threw to a clip of Ric Flair vs. MVP on Smackdown last Friday where MVP was DQ'd for not breaking a leglock in the ropes. Then MVP attacked Flair's legs, bashing it against the ringpost and crushing it in the steps. Kennedy said he is offering Flair a chance to forfeit his match at No Way Out, even though he knows that's not his style and he's a proud man. "But Ric, if you do decide to go through with it, if you want to lose, then not only will I end your career, but you can rest assured that you will limp for the rest of your natural born life." He let out a weak little "whoo." Good promo
[Commercial Break]
-They showed the exterior of the arena at the University of Texas.
-Mike Adamle stood among fans in the crowd and plugged the No Way Out PPV.
3 -- PAUL LONDON & BRIAN KENDRICK vs. CARLITO & SANTINO MARELLA (w/Maria)
Kendrick opened against Carlito. He hit several roundkicks and a high dropkick and went for a cover. He got one. After three elbows and one blown spot, Kendrick took Carlito down with a kick. When he bounced into the ropes, Santino pulled the ropes apart and Kendrick spilled to the floor. London chased Santino at ringside around the ring several laps as Carlito finished Kendrick with his Backstabber for the win.
WINNERS: Santino & Carlito in 1:00.
STAR RATING: n/a
-Backstage, a pant-free Vince bent over and had ass creme rubbed on his bare bottom, followed by a buffer machine being used on it. He said, "Imagine that! Mr. McMahon's ass in HD!"
WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR
[Commercial Break]
-Vince McMahon stepped out in a suit fully clothed for the minute. Ross bemoaned Vince's planned humiliation of his own son, Hornswoggle. He went on a long rant about disciplining kids and said WWE fans try to reason with their kids rather than issue commands. He said the only way to discipline a child is to make them kiss your ass. He called out Hornswoggle. Vince gave Hornswoggle a brief lecture, then he dropped his pants. A fan shouted, "Oh, my eyes!" Vince lifted the back of his shirt as the opposite side of the gasped. He asked Hornswoggle to kiss it. He bent over as Hornswoggle closed his eyes and moved in. He then shook his head and backed off. Vince said he didn't have all night. "Kiss it, you little bastard!" Just as he was about to move in for another attempt, Finlay interrupted. He walked out and threw his arms up, asking Vince what he was up to. Vince asked what the meaning was of his interruption. Vince said tonight isn't about loyalty and friendship, it's about discipline. Vince reminded him of the fact that he signs his paycheck, so he told him to follow Hornswoggle in joining his exclusive club. After more yelling by Vince, Hornswoggle moved in and bit him on the ass. Vince covered his front while trying to escape the grip of Hornswoggle's teeth. Finlay and Hornswoggle backed up to the stage smiling the whole way. Hornswoggle did a little dance on the stage, followed by Finlay. Vince was so upset, after pulling up his pants, he booked himself against Hornswoggle in a no-DQ match next week on Raw. He said if Finlay gets involved, he will be fiiiiiirrreeed! "You're not laughing now, are you!?"
[Commercial Break]
-Ross plugged the scheduled six-man main event match.
Ross talked about Cody being the youngest wrestler on the Raw roster, adding that he can't remember when he was 22. Cody DDT'd Murdoch as Holly knocked a meddling Cade out of the ring leading to a pin. Afterward, Cade chewed out Murdoch briefly, but the camera cut away really quickly.
WINNERS: Cody & Holly in 2:00.
STAR RATING: 1/2*
-After the match, Carlito, Santino, and Maria walked out. Carlito said new no. 1 contenders have just been named. Santino said they have as much chance keeping their titles now as Maria has of posing nude in Playboy, "but maybe you can pose in Balding Tough Guy With A Little Friend Who Has a Name Like a Little Girl" magazine.
[Commercial Break]
-A plug aired for Bravo's "Project Runway" on Wednesday night featuring the WWE Divas.
-Ross and Lawler appeared on camera and plugged the No Way Out line-up.
-Ring intros took place for Hardy, Michaels, and Jericho. Ross said Hardy is arguably the hottest superstar on any brand in WWE.
[Commercial Break]
5 -- JEFF HARDY & SHAWN MICHAELS & CHRIS JERICHO vs. JBL & SNITSKY & UMAGA
Five minutes in, Michaels ducked a charging Umaga, who flew to the floor. Jericho dropkicked Snitsky to the floor. Hardy tossed JBL to the floor. All three then flew over the top rope in different directions with planchas onto all three heels. They cut to a break as the babyfaces celebrated
[Commercial Break]
The heels had control - per the usual pattern - after the break. They isolated and worked over Jericho. At 14:00 Jericho showed some life against Umaga with a battle of chops, but he lost the battle. Umaga went to the second rope and dove with a headbutt toward Jericho. Jericho moved. Hardy hot-tagged in and went to work on Snitsky. Six-way action broke out. It ended up with Hardy giving Snitsky a Twist of Fate and a Swanton for the three count. Ross again touted how hot Jeff Hardy is right now.
WINNERS: Hardy & Michaels & Jericho in 16:00.
STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Solid formula six-man tag action to give this show a dose of extended athletics and wrestling for the first time as a way to fill time with star power before the Cena appearance.
[Commercial Break]
-John Cena came out to his full ring intro, then Mark Henry did the same. They faced off in mid-ring at an arm wrestling table. Nothing is less exciting and more predictable in pro wrestling than arm wrestling contests. According to the predictable script, Henry complained about something - Cena having "oil" on his hands. Henry stalled and complained more as the ref told him there was nothing wrong with Cena's hand. Henry slammed Cena's arm into the table, then Henry said, "I'm ready now!" They went back and forth with near wins, then when Cena was about to win, Orton jumped Cena from behind. Cena came back and Orton fled, then Cena gave Henry an FU as Ross shouted, "Good Lord Almighty!" Basic solid segment that got across Cena's strength while putting Orton in a position to act sneaky and heelish. Not great, but fine.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Not a stellar Raw. Nothing offensive, other than an overly long rather pointless McMahon ass kissing segment, but pretty forgettable overall.
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