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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
JANUARY 31, 2008
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

WHAT HAPPENED: 1ST HOUR

-A video feature aired touting the independent spirit and rising star of Tomko, then hyping his TV singles match against Kurt Angle.

-The show is titled "Boss... or Partner?"

-A.J. Styles yelled at Kurt Angle backstage, with Jeremy Borash holding the mic. He said it doesn't make sense that Angle tried to get Tomko to join the Alliance last week, and now he's wrestling him. Styles said he was putting him in a tough position. Angle said he did care, then added, "The Kurt Angle rub is what got you first noticed around here." Styles exclaimed, "What? Are you kidding me? I was TNA Champ." (NWA Champ, actually.) Angle said he was TNA Champion when it was a start-up company without a full roster. Styles said he won the title three times. Funny, Styles only wrestled Jeff Jarrett during those title runs, so Angle is in a way demeaning the history of TNA and Jarrett himself. Karen yelled at Styles, then Styles turned toward her. Angle grabbed him by the throat and told him to get the hell out of his locker room and vowed to kick his ass if he tried to help Tomko. Styles stormed off.

-The TNA Impact opening aired. Then Mike Tenay and Don West previewed the show and hyped Against All Odds as pyro shot off. West touted the first Awesome Kong interview.

-Team 3D and Johnny Devine walked to the ring and hyped their six-man brawl at Against All Odds against The Motor City Machine Guns and Black Machismo. The crowd chanted for him to shut up. He snapped and told them to shut their frickin' mouths. The Gunns and Machismo interrupted on the big screen, wearing tie-dye shirts and mocking their original gimmick including Alex Shelley stuttering and making bingo references. Chris Sabin impersonated Devine and said, "I don't know why I'm here, you never let me talk." Machismo impersonated Devon and said, "Oh my brother, where's the bacon!" Team 3D and Devine jumped them and caned them all the way to the ring. The crowd chanted, "Where's the bacon?" at Team 3D. The beat down continued for a couple minutes, culminating in Shelly getting powerbombed through a table, then Sabin. Machismo bled from the forehead and took a chairshot to the skull. Brother Ray looked down at them and said they're just little boys in a man's world. He said he knows that because at one time they were little boys also. He said back in ECW, they were little boys, but they were forced to become men and those men turned in to hardcore heroes. He said then they went to the WWE (crowd boos) "and those heroes became legends." He said, "Now we stand here in TNA and those legends have become gods. And if god was a heel, he'd be in Team 3D." The camera zoomed way way close in on Ray's face. He warned them not to show up at Against All Odds. Ray's delivery was good, and the beatdown makes sense to give the faces a reason to rise to a challenge and seek revenge. At some point, the "bingo" references when talking about ECW have to expire as totally played out.

[Commercial Break]

-A voiceover plugged TNA's upcoming events in February including in New York. That, along with the Japan footage last month, does continue to build on TNA's image as more than a regional studio TV show.

-Tenay and West were shown on camera talking about the angle before the break and how heated that feud has gotten.

-Crystal interviewed Scott Steiner and Petey Williams. Steiner said once Jim Cornette told him the X Division had nothing to do with being 100 pounds and being a little weasel, he's cool with it. Crystal asked him if Cornette told him that the X Division will disband if Team 3D & Devine win their Against All Odds match. Steiner asked what that meant. Crystal said that would make the X Division Title useless. Petey said he heard something about that at the gym, but that's Scott's problem, not his. It's too bad TNA's abused and ignored the X Division so much in recent years that there's probably total ambivalence toward the possibility of the X Division disbanding.

1 -- THE ROCK & RAVE INFECTION (Lance Hoyt & Petey Williams w/Christy Hemme) vs. PETEY WILLIAMS & SCOTT STEINER

As Steiner and Petey posed and flexed in the ring, you can't help but wonder what Congress would think of that imagery. Rave and Hoyt amped up their gimmick by dressing like biker grunge rockers, for lack of better description with jeans, "wife-beater" t-shirts, and badanas. Petey did push-ups after a flurry against Rave. Steiner protested, saying that's his gimmick,. Petey gave Hoyt a huracanrana off the ropes. He followed with a Steiner Recliner on Rave. Hoyt interfered and tagged in. After hitting Petey with a boot to the face, he played air guitar. Tenay thanked the fans for setting the record rating two weeks ago and matching it last week. Steiner grabbed both cases and began to walk away. Petey asked where he was going. Scott walked up to him and bashed him with one of the cases, then returned to the back. Rave finished off Petey with his finisher for the win. Tenay squeezed in a reference to Rave and Hoyt celebrating like they stole the halftime show from Tom Petty. That felt really forced and rushed.

WINNER: Rock & Rave Infection in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *

[Commercial Break]

-A training video aired with "Bullet" Bob Armstrong asking B.G. James to try to keep up with him in their training. There was a lame pun where Bob told his son to always wear protection during their sparring session. B.G. began dry heaving because the workout was so rough.

2 -- KIP JAMES (w/Roxxi Laveau) vs. HERNANDEZ (w/Homicide, Celinas)

Tenay talked about how Kip has to feel that B.G. made a good choice to live out his dream of teaming with his dad. West said it's obvious Bob is in twice as good shape as he is. Tenay said the 67 year old ex-Marine will have his team in shape at Against All Odds. Hernandez missed a top rope splash at 2:00. Roxxi threw powder at Heranndez, but Hernandez ducked and it hit Kip's face. Hernandez followed with a clothesline for the win.

WINNER: Hernandez in 2:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4*

-Kip told Roxxi that nothing has gone well since they hired her. He said, "The only thing you have done well is that you absolutely suck!" He said she wears too much make-up and shakes around like she's having a seizure and she dresses like she's Stevie Nicks from the '80s. He added she talks too much. West said she hardly ever speaks. Kip told her she's fired and "get to steppin'." We can't get too far into a show without a man yelling angrily at a woman and members of a team breaking up.

-Styles gave Tomko a pep talk - or tried. He tried to explain his actions lately and touted their being tag champions. Tomko told him to shut his mouth. He said he chose the Angle Alliance and is falling for Karen Angle like a schoolboy. Angle insisted she was into him. Tomko said one of these days he'll get it, but this week he should stay out of his way.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay plugged "UFC: All-Access" featuring Brock Lesnar and the UFC PPV on Saturday night. A video feature aired on Lesnar including soundbites with Angle. Lesnar said it'd be hard to catch him in any position when he's got fists in his face. Lesnar said,
"Nobody's going to stop Brock Lesnar. Sorry, Frankie Boy." The third-person references are so endearing.

-A video feature aired on the Abyss vs. Mesias barbed wire match. Tenay said it is only the second time ever in TNA there will be a barbed wire match.

3 -- JUDAS MESIAS (w/James Mitchell) vs. COREY CHAVIS

No ring intro for Mesias's squash opponent, Chavis. Mesias dove over the top rope onto Chavis on the floor. Tenay plugged the TNA Mobile service. Back in the ring Mesias hit a Straight to Hell finisher for the quick win.

WINNER: Mesias in 1:00.

-After the match, Mitchell told "Chris" (Abyss) that he can tell the world now he is his father and refer to him as his son from now on. He said it strikes him as odd that he says he's ashamed of him. "Why would a big, stupid, ugly, emotionally stunted oaf like you be ashamed of a handsome, charismatic genius like me?" He said he's not dealing with shame, he's dealing with guilt - over what his mother allowed him to do to him. He said he is trying to redeem himself to pay for his sins against him. He said he won't have to do that much longer because this ugly chapter in his family tragedy is coming to a close at Against All Odds. He said just like he used to beat him with a wire cord, his step brother is going to take barbed wire and rip and cut and slash the flesh off of his bones. He said just as he sat back when his mother tried to end his existence, he's going to revel in his pain, torment, and humiliation when Mesias puts an end to his existence "once and for all!" Good promo, as usual, from Mitchell, doing the best he can to explain the family history while setting the stage for the PPV battle.

[Commercial Break]

-A video recap aired of Shark Boy's transformation into Shark Boy 316. Shark Boy then made his ring entrance to entrance music similar to Steve Austin's. Tenay said he has really turned his career around. West said it was almost five years ago he came to TNA and brought a cult following with him, and he's taking that to a new level. "The mannerisms have to be striking a chord. They look awful familiar. Something smells awful fishy," said West. Shark spoke in the ring, saying that since he "came out of his shell," nobody wants to get their ass kicked by him. By god, it's like he's "swimming up stream without a paddle." He talked with the Austin cadence with the crowd responding with "whats" and "hell yeahs." He called for anyone to step up, such as an office worker, a concession worker, one of the fans, anyone. He said referee Slick Johnson was ready to referee a match. Shark asked Slick what he just said. Slick denied saying anything. Shark said he pissed him off. He said the last time he saw a head like Slick's, it was an octopus and he stomped a mudhole in it. "You look a little green around the gills. Are you scared of Shark Boy? Is that it?" He said he's going to let him live, so he told him to leave the ring. When Slick turned on him, Shark gave him a Stunner, then got down and told him, "I told you not to turn your back on a Shark, you dumb son of a bitch." Shark then gave two security members Stunners. Then a third. He then poured juice all over his face.

-Backstage, Matt Morgan pounded on Jim Cornette's office desk and said he's going to go over his head regarding Samoa Joe's actions. "You may be a giant, but you can't reach that high," said Cornette. He stressed that they've almost got Samoa Joe under contract and once they do, they'll have control of him finally. He told him to settle down and pointed out he jumped Nash last week. Morgan said Nash jumped him first. Morgan said if he won't take care of it, he'll take care of it himself. Kevin Nash walked in. He recoiled at Morgan's breath. Cornette told both of them to settle down. Nash told Cornette to issue a check for 100K and they can fight. Nash said his no. 1 rule is not to fight for free. Nash told Cornette that the word on the street is that if he doesn't get Joe signed, he's out of a job. He said if that happens, Morgan is gone, too. Cornette said it may not be true, but enough people are saying it that he wonders. Nash left and Styles walked in, wearing his cheap crown again. Styles got on his knees and begged for the Tomko vs. Angle match to be called off. Cornette said he knows he's torn between two lovers, so he's going to do something about it. He said if he sits back and waits, he'll call for him and he wants him to come alone. Karen was with him on this trip. Styles and Karen left. Cornette muttered that he doesn't get what she has that enamors everyone else.

[Commercial Break]

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

-Cornette stood mid-ring and talked about the main event at Against All Odds, plus Robert Roode vs. Booker T and the barbed wire match. He called Styles to the ring. Cornette told Styles that he doesn't want him to feel helpless about the Tomko-Angle situation. The fans chanted "Styles sucks." Styles told them to have some class. Cornette said the match will go on as scheduled. Styles gasped. Cornette said he's going to make Styles the special referee. West was very, very happy, but Styles didn't like it at all. "I'm not counting!" he declared. Cornette said there must be a winner. He said if he doesn't make the three count, his contract will be terminated. West said he's between a rock and a hard place. Tenay wondered whether he'd favor his boss or his tag team partner.

-Crystal interviewed Awesome Kong and her female manager. Her manager interrupted and said her name is Ryesha Shayede. She said she was going to read a statement from Kong to ODB: "Kong comes in peace. Kong does not wish to hurt anyone. If you stay out of Kong's way, then you will be safe. However, if you choose not to, then Kong will cripple you, Kong will destroy you, Kong will maim you, Kong will break every bone in your body, Kong will become complete monster, Kong is a woman of peace except when you agitate the monster. ODB, you have agitated the monster. This is your last warning." TNA hyped Kong's first interview and they didn't quite deliver. It was fine for what it was, but it's a small "bait and switch" for fans who feel they were promised something that wasn't delivered.

3 -- ROXXI LAVEAUX vs. ANGELINA LOVE vs. ODB

Roxxi kicked Love to the mat hard to start, then went after ODB. West said Kong has never seemed intimidated by Kong. Roxxi and ODB mocked each other. Love re-entered the picture and chopped both ODB and Love. At 2:00, after Love scored a couple two counts on ODB, they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Back from the break, ODB was in control, chopping Love in the corner. Non-stop action continued without anyone dominating completely. Roxxi got in the most offense, though, and scored a near fall at 9:00 after a spinebuster on ODB. ODB caught Roxxi seconds later and gave her a running powerslam. Love flirted with ref Rudy Charles. When ODB got up to complain, Love scurried over and made the cover. The ref counted to three. ODB was PO'd, said Tenay. ODB gave Love a running powerslam afterward, then she swigged from her flask.

WINNER: Love in 10:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2

-Borash interviewed Styles in a ref shirt. He was crying. Borash asked what he was going to do. Styles said, "Crap my pants! I didn't ask for this." Angle walked up to him and said it's easy, he just needs to stand there, watch him kick Tomko's ass, the count to three, and raise his arm in victory. Tomko jumped in and told Angle to back off of Styles. They had a brief brawl before the camera cut away to West at ringside. He tossed to a recap of the Robert Roode-Sharmell strike. Tenay stood in the ring and threw to a message from Booker T who spoke from his home in Houston, Tex. He said she's at home and feeling a whole lot better. He thanked the fans and everyone with TNA for their support.

-Robert Roode walked to the ring with Payton Banks. He said what Booker just said was pathetic. He asked if he got the candy and flowers he sent to Sharmell. He said it was sickening and ordered the director to go to the break before he throws up.

[Commercial Break]

4 -- ROBERT ROODE & PEYTON BANKS & JAMES STORM (w/Miss Jackie) vs. "THE GURU" SONJAY DUTT & TRACI BROOKS & ERIC YOUNG

Tenay wondered whether Dutt would still be employed if Team 3D & Johnny Devine win at Against All Odds and the X Division is thus banned. Young reacted with shock, but stayed on his feet, when the pyro shot off. He wore his drinking championship belt to the ring - a beer bottle taped to the belt. It spins, just like John Cena's belt. That's kinda funny, actually. Young went on roll at 2:00 against Storm. Four-way action broke out with the men, then Traci yanked Banks in to the ring and rammed her head into the mat repeatedly. Traci chased Banks to the back. Storm superkicked a distracted Young, then Roode finished him with a Payoff.

WINNERS: Roode & Storm & Banks in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-Booker charged into the ring, making a surprise appearance, and attacked Roode, who quickly escaped to the back.

-They showed Samoa Joe and Nash smiling and talking backstage as they headed to the entrance tunnel.

[Commercial Break]

-Crystal interviewed Kaz, who was pretending to be the opposite of Dark Reign. He wore a white wig and white make-up and said he is White Sunshine. He then dropped the silly voice and looked at the camera and said he's sick of Reign's daddy issues and his games. He then suggested a match that sounds a lot like a game - four posts with four boxes, three with mouse traps and one with his rat, Marlena.

-Cornette, with Morgan standing behind him, stood center-ring with the "most lucrative, bonus-laden, long-term contract ever offered by TNA to a talent." He introduced Joe, who walked to the ring with Nash behind him, applauding and encouraging him. Cornette told Joe he has no hard feelings toward him despite their rocky negotiations. He said he's one of the great talents TNA has ever featured, then cited his winning streak and match of the year contenders (way back in 2006). He handed him the contract and said it has all of the terms that Nash asked for, including the no-cut stip and bonuses and the special stip - "favored nations." It's only in pro wrestling when wrestlers are presented contracts in the ring to sign without a chance to read it. Sad thing is, that doesn't happen in just fictional skits, but sometimes in real life behind the scenes over the years more often than anyone would want to admit. Cornette didn't have a pen. He looked around for one. Morgan had one, but he threw it at Joe's face. Joe took a deep breath, then walked over and suplexed Morgan through the contract table. Nash bent over and laughed. Joe picked up the contract and ripped it up. Cornette threw a fit. Joe walked to the back. That didn't make a lot of sense, but maybe they'll explain it in the future. Why would Joe give up a great contract just because Morgan threw a pen at him? That's like ripping up the winning lottery ticket you just scratched off at the convenience store counter because the clerk had bad breath. There's just no apparent cause-effect connection.

[Commercial Break]

5 -- KURT ANGLE (w/Karen) vs. TOMKO

Tomko blocked a jump-start suplex by Angle, then punched him a few times. Angle dropped to the mat and then rolled to the floor. Tomko followed and rammed him into the guard rail. Back in the ring, Tomko powerslammed Angle and made a cover. Styles wouldn't count his pin attempt. Karen prompted Styles to stop Tomko from stomping Angle in the corner. Angle fired back with a German suplex as they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Tomko took Angle down with a hard clothesline after the break. Styles counted once, paused, and counted twice, paused, and then Angle kicked out. Karen ordered Styles to count slowly. Tomko snap powerslammed Angle. Styles counted really slowly, giving Angle a chance to kick out. After a third slow count in a row, Tomko looked at Styles with a death stare. Angle fired back with an Olympic slam. He locked on his anklelock. Tomko powered out and knocked Angle into Styles. Styles fell to the floor. Karen ran over to check on him. Angle and Tomko were both on the mat, slow to get up. Christian Cage came out and hit Angle in the face with a belt. Tomko then lifted Angle and dropped him with his finisher. Styles returned to the ring and made a reluctant, slow three count.

WINNER: Tomko in 12:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- All storyline-based, so not a great wrestling match, but the storyline played out to a satisfying conclusion that fit the characters and their motivations.

-Backstage, Crystal caught up with Christian. He said, "Tomko says he wants to do what's best for Tomko. So do I." Tenay wondered what Tomko's reaction would be when he figured out what happened.

-A music video recap closed out the show and a plug for Christian vs. Mesias next week.



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