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Where We've Been: Impact has been on an upsurge for the last couple weeks, predicated mostly on strong work by Tomko and Christian. Their interaction has been everything Styles and Christian's wasn't—organic, rational, and, most importantly, interesting. (There might be some parallels here with the failures of HHH-Orton in 2004 and the success of HHH-Batista in 2005.) Theoretically, the main match set up for tonight is Black Reign vs. Kaz in a Rat-on-a-Pole match or something like it, but on principle I refuse to discuss that any further here. If they're looking for a good main event, they could do worse than giving the randomly scheduled AJ Styles vs. Tiger Mask match some extra time, but I doubt we'll be seeing that. The Joe plotline took a totally illogical swerve last week when Joe ripped up a contract he'd been angling for because…um…okay, it's not really clear why he did that. Hopefully it won't just be because he was grumpy at Matt Morgan, but I can't honestly think of a better explanation. Every once in a while TNA has surprised me by pulling a good reason for something out of nowhere, so we can hope. So tonight will hopefully be about logic—continuing the goodness of Christian/Tomko and correcting the bizarreness of Joe's contract tearing and the existence of a Kaz-Black Reign feud.

The Show

JB is backstage with Robert Roode and Peyton Banks, where Robert Roode is drinking liquid steak and making fun of Sharmell's broken jaw. He also imitates Booker T's "5 time World Champion" shtick, but forgets that Booker has since won a sixth world title. Roode complains that Booker hasn't accepted his apologies, and he thinks it's cause Booker's greatful that Sharmell can't put on weight or boss him around. He tries his best to channel some intensity, but that dog's just not gonna hunt.

[Opening Credits]

Tonight we'll see Christian vs. Judas Maseis and Homicide challenge for the X Division Title. How awesome would it be if Homicide won it and told the Motor City Machismo Guns where they could shove their stipulation at Against All Odds? It would actually give TNA a decent out from the corner into which they seem to have painted themselves.

Robert Roode comes out for his match against Black Machismo, but Booker pops out before he makes it to the ring. He starts a beat down, but Roode just scampers to the back. That was the best Robert Roode match ever.

We've also got Awesome Kong vs. Ms. Brooks. Poor Ms Brooks. They run down the card for Against All Odds, and this might be the least amount of content we've ever gotten in 7 minutes. At least I have plenty of time to type.

Matt Morgan is in Cornette's office complaining about the fact that Joe has "ambushed" him two weeks in a row with no repercussions. Cornette tells him that if Morgan prevents Joe from signing the contract this week he (Morgan) will be fired.

[Commercial Break]

(1) Awesome Kong defeats Traci Brooks

ODB appears on the big screen taunting Awesome Kong. She says she's badder and tougher. Traci Brooks tries to take advantage of the distraction with a chop. That's probably not going to keep Kong down. Sure enough, Kong retakes control with a big slam and answers with some chops of her own. Ms Brooks tries to fight back, but just cannot make a dent in Kong. I'm not really sure why this match is still going. Ms Brooks finally wobbles Kong a bit with some knee shots, but can never take her off her feet. An attempt at a high kick is reversed into a Spinning Back Fist, the Implant Buster (a Double Underhook Face Buster) and an Awesome Bomb for the three count. That was pointless.
After the match Peyton Banks comes down to the ring to beat up the fallen Ms. Brooks.

Backstage, Booker T is still chasing Robert Roode. Roode makes it to his car and drives off.

[Commercial Break]

Petey Williams is in Jim Cornette's office with Scott Steiner, complaining that Scott took his brief case. Steiner's annoyed that when Cornette sold him on his X Division Title shot he never mentioned that the X Division Title might be going away. Cornette books them in a winner-take-all briefcase vs. briefcase match so that Steiner has another shot at the World Title. That makes a certain amount of sense. Petey does some posing.

They recap Black Reign vs. Kaz. It's just as stupid the second time around.

(2) Kaz defeats Black Reign

Four boxes are suspended around the ring, with one holding Reign's kidnapped rat and the other three holding rattraps. I never liked matches with an element of chance—one of the great things about wrestling iu that the winner can always claim that he proved himself the better man. There was one match a while back with Jeff Hardy and Abyss with two briefcases suspended over the ring, where one contained a title shot and the other contained a gift certificate. I'm pretty sure I didn't just make that up. Anyway, I've distracted myself long enough for Reign to stick his hand in one of the rattrap boxes and take us to commercial.

[Commercial Break]

We're 30 minutes in, and so far not one thing of interest has happened. Will Tomko and Christian be able to save even this show? [To save you a lot of time and reading, I'm going back and putting in an answer: no.] Apparently another box was opened, either during the commercial or when I wasn't paying attention. There's a cool spot where Kaz sets up for a Back Body Drop, Reign drops to deliver a punch, and Kaz steps back and hits a high kick. All of a sudden things are moderately interesting as Kaz starts hitting his quick offense. When he goes to the top rope though Reign pushes him off and grabs another box with another rattrap. Kaz jumps to the apron from the outside, pushes Reign off, and then just goes and gets the rat. Wow that match was awful.
After the match, Black Reign grabs the Darkness Falls, nails Kaz in the head, and takes his stuff back. So apparently the match was both awful and pointless.

JB is in the locker room with Booker T, and Booker says that after all this taunting he's never felt about another individual like he does about Roode. I guess he never took Kurt that seriously. Booker says that when he was at home he asked Sharmell if there was anything he could do for her, and she said he could beat up Robert Roode. So he'd like to apologize to TNA management and the fans for what might happen Sunday night, because Robert Roode's ass is his.

[Commercial Break]

They recap the Team 3D vs. The Machismo Guns feud. Did TNA give all the wrestlers the night off or something? Or maybe they're finally being hit by the writers' strike. Thankfully here's Homicide to save us all (that was not sarcastic).

(3) Homicide defeats Johnny Devin (w/Selinas)

Remember when the X Division Title meant something? No? Okay. If I could have brought one person to back me up, I probably would have gone Hernandez over Selinas. We start things off with some chain wrestling, until Homicide gets bored and just starts brawling. He gets Devine to the apron, where he's caught by a Guillotine. He catches Devine on his way back into the ring, tosses him back out, and hits a Somersault Suicide Dive. Homicide takes a minute to go over to Don West and congratulate him for calling the move in Spanish—he actually has a great deal of charisma when they let him show it. He takes Devine back to the ring and gets him with a Belly-to-Belly Overhead Suplex and a big Arm Drag, but misses a top rope Splash. Devine hits some boots on the downed Homicide, and follows up with some sort of Twisting Snap Suplex. Homicide kicks out at one though and comes back with some punches and a Snapmare. He goes to the top rope, but Devine drops him down into a Reverse Tree of Woe and hits some running knee shots (think the Elijah Express). Homicide comes back, but gets caught by some kind of Gut Buster. Devine tries to finish things off with a Double Underhook Suplex, but Homicide reverses it into a T-Bone Suplex. He follows up with a Corkscrew Elbow and a Spinning Neck Breaker for two. He goes for the Gringo Killer, but it's reversed into a School Boy, and Devine uses extra leverage for a two count. Devine takes him to the center of the ring, but gets caught in by a Gringo Cutter for two. Homicide picks him back up and hits the Gringo Killer, but at two referee Slick Johnson stops the count to gesture at Team 3D, who are entering the ring. I'm not sure why that had to interrupt a count. They attack Homicide, and yep, that's a DQ, and per TNA's new rules, the title does not change hands. Wow, that rule has been on the books for one week and they're already using it for pointless screw job finishes. Again—why? This show is almost single-handedly making me want to give up on TNA. It's impressive really.
After the match Brother Ray threatens Selinas, who stands her ground, apparently realizing that he can't hit her on Spike TV anyway. Hernandez comes out for added backup, and hits a big Border Toss on Devine for good measure.

Crystal is in the back with Christian, who apparently asked for some mic time. He says that he knows he might not get any more chances at the title, and so just to be on the safe side he's calling Tomko to the ring to find out if there's more to Tomko's independence than meets the eye.

[Commercial Break]

They recap Joe's wanting a better contract. Seriously, they're just trying to tick me off now. They somehow segue into a general sermon on greed. I'm serious.

Cornette is in the ring with a contract and a conspicuously placed table. If I were inviting a wrestler to a contract signing, the last thing I would ever have in the ring would be a table. Well, maybe the last thing would be one of those metal briefcases, but the second last thing would definitely be a table. Joe hits the ring with Nash in toe. I guess Matt Morgan will be fired for even coming out tonight. Cornette stresses that the contract still has all the clauses Joe wanted, including a "favored nation" status, which apparently means that no matter what deal anyone else gets he'll be guaranteed a better one. My father explained that when he saw I didn't follow last week—who said wrestling couldn't be educational? This week Cornette did in fact bring a pen. It'll be awesome if it's out of ink. Joe bends over to sign the contract when Angle's music hits. If he has a problem with the contract, why didn't he do anything last week? Maybe that's what happened to Cornette's pen! Well, I'm glad that mystery's solved. Kurt has Karen with him but not AJ. Kurt says that he and Joe have to have a talk. After last week Kurt doesn't trust anyone, so he tells Joe that if he costs him his match Sunday, it'll be the last thing he'll ever do. He says that Joe has been after him ever since he debuted in TNA, and the answer is that it's because Kurt took his spot as the best (no, he didn't ask a question first). Kurt says that if Joe messes with him he'll break his ankle. Joe responds that he's come to realize that Angle might be the best athlete he knows, so he'll call it right down the middle. He extends his hand, and Angle takes it. Joe has other ideas, however, as he Spine Busters Angle through the table. Cornette grabs the contract and tries to get Joe to sign it, but Joe can't be bothered right now. He only has enough energy to sign a contract or Spine Buster someone through a table—asking him to do both is just unreasonable. I guess Angle didn't actually mind the contract after all.

[Commercial Break]

JB is in the back with the Rock & Rave Infection, and he wants to know what's up with the video game guitars and Hoyt's new make-up. Suddenly their roadies start doing mic checks, Christy calls for a spotlight, and Hoyt explains that they're the best rock band ever. They're taking all challenges all around the world. JB points out that he hasn't heard their stuff on the radio, and Christy does her best Jillian Hall impression as Hoyt and Rave shout incoherently. They go to the ring and do it a bit more.

(4) Curry Man & Shark Boy defeat The Rock & Rave Infection

Shark Boy starts things off with Jimmy Rave, and he really has Austin down pat. He takes Rave out and beats him against the barricade, takes him back in and hits a big Bionic Elbow, Stomps a Mudhole in his ass, Walks it Dry, and then tags in Curry Man to lay in some more kicks. Rave tags in Hoyt, who Curry Man can't faze. He does trip him though, and dances on his back. When he goes for punches in the corner Rave breaks it up, so Shark Boy comes in and beats down Rave in the corner. Rave gets away, however, and distracts Curry Man long enough for Hoyt to regain control with a Big Boot. He hits his big Torture Rack Facebuster, and tags in Rave for two. They beat up Curry Man a bit longer before he finally gets a Jawbreaker and makes the tag to Shark Boy. Shark Boy is a house of fire, taking down Rave with the Lou Thesz Press. Hoyt interferes, and while the Lou Thesz Press doesn't work on him the Stunner sure does. They then hit a Stunner and a Spice Rack on Rave for the win. Shark Boy downs some clam juice.

Crystal is in the back with Tomko, who says that out of respect for their history he's accepted Christian's invitation to the ring.

[Commercial Break]

Crystal is in the back with BG James and Bullet Bob Armstrong, and BG says that he doesn't think AJ Styles and Tomko "understand the levity of the situation"…I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. He points out that Tomko and Styles are distracted by their soap opera while he and his dad have been training and working as a unit. Kip James pops into the frame and talks about he's behind them all the way. That's not at all suspicious.

(5) AJ Styles defeats Tiger Mask

AJ dons the crown and grabs a mic on his way to the ring. He says that he's really sorry about what happened last week, and he'd really like a key back to the dressing room. He tells Karen he loves her, and then, almost as an afterthought, says he loves Kurt. Tiger starts things off with a drop kick, but AJ beats him down with stiff shots to the back and cinches in a Wrist Lock. He segues into a Key Lock, but Mask flips out and bounces off the ropes with a Cross Body Block. He locks in a Sleeper; AJ flips him off, but Tiger just lands on his feet and locks it in again. AJ whips Tiger into the corner, but he jumps back Jericho style and lands a strike. AJ runs at him, but Tiger dodges and AJ goes flying from the ring. Tiger looks to go out with a big flying move, but AJ wlks away, lures him over to the ropes, and then pulls him out. Tiger tries to whip AJ into the barricade, but hAJe leaps over it into the crowd, jumps back onto the top of the barricade and then hits a Flying Forearm. AJ rolls him into the ring and goes for the mask, but Tiger reverses it with a bite. Tiger gets some kicks in, and then hits a Standing Moonsault, landing knees first. AJ rolls out of the ring, but Tiger Mask follows him with a Suicide Dive. Tiger rolls him back in and hits a Double Underhook Powerbomb. He tries to follow up with a Moonsault—AJ dodges, Tiger lands on his feet, but then AJ hits his Springboard Inverted DDT for two. They brawl some, and take out the referee. AJ takes the opportunity to nail a low blow, and when the ref gets up he hits the Styles Clash for the win.

[Commercial Break]

They recap Abyss vs. Judas Mesias. On the bright side, anyone watching this show on DVR only needs to commit about 15 minutes.

Christian Cage hits the ring, followed by Tomko. So they've decided Christian vs. Mesias is a better main event than Christian talking with Tomko? That doesn't seem like a good call. Christian says that rather than rehearse their history he'll cut straight to the point. He knows Tomko wants to be his own man, and he, along with the whole world, applauds that decision. He says that he needs to be sure where they stand, and while he did help Tomko out last week, if Tomko wants to finish what AJ started he should do it right now instead of during a title match. Christian turns his back, and for some unknown reason Tomko seems tempted. In the end he just spins Christian around and walks away. Okay, I guess that wouldn't have made much of a main event after all.

[Commercial Break]

(6) Christian Cage defeats Judas Mesias

They start off with some basic jockeying for position, which Mesias gets the better of. He starts tossing Christian around and laying in some chops. Christian returns some chops of his own but gets taken down with a clothesline and then bitten. Mesias pounds away with some chokes and some punches. He whips Cage into the corner, but Cage floats over. Mesias tries to hit a Press Slam but Cage slips out and tosses Mesias from the ring. Mesias gets back on the apron and tries to Suplex Christian out of the ring, but Cage lands on the apron and hits a Seesaw Kick Sonjay Dutt style. He hits some shots on the outside before rolling Mesias back in. He goes to the top rope, but sees Mesias starting to roll away and comes down. He goes for the Unprettier, but Mesias gets away and Press Slams Christian down to the floor.

[Commercial Break]

Mesias is in control, beating Christian around the ring and in to it. Christian fights back, but gets caught in a Snap Power Slam. Mesias locks in a long choke. I wonder if anyone will notice if I just start recapping Celebrity Apprentice? More choking ensues, this time with the help of the ring ropes. After a while Cage gets behind Mesias and locks in a Sleeper. Mesias pounds him against the turnbuckle, and while he has to break the hold it still buys him time to hit a Springboard Dropkick. They both get to their feet, and Christian hits a Corkscrew Elbow off the middle rope. He tried to follow up with a Texas Cloverleaf but Mesias fights him off. Mesias charges, but Cage dodges and Mesias eats ring post and then Inverted DDT. Christian goes to the top to follow up, but James Mitchess takes him off balance long enough for Mesias to get up and catch Christian in a Cutter. Abyss starts walking down the ramp with an arm rapped in barbed wire. He goes right for Mitchell. Mesias is distracted, and so Christian goes for the Unprettier. It's reversed into an attempted Power Bomb that is re-reversed into the Unprettier for the win.
Abyss comes back to the ring and chases Mesias away with the barbed wire. As Christian continues to celebrate AJ runs in from behind him and beats him down to the canvas. He goes for the Styles Clash, but it's reversed into a Texas Cloverleaf. Angle comes from behind and takes Christian down, and it's good to see he and AJ working together again. Angle grabs the belt and is about to nail Cage when Tomko comes in and clears everyone out. He helps Cage up and props him up in the corner of the ring. Tomko extends his hand, and Cage takes it.


Where We're Going: It's probably worth a sentence or two to point out that, not surprisingly, TNA has utterly failed to convert on its up and coming stars. Kaz's feud was so bad that it got demoted from the pay per view to Impact and still couldn't make it into the main event, and Eric Young wasn't even mentioned. Come to think of it, he and Storm were supposed to have a match on Sunday, so maybe I missed an injury report? But in any event this isn't rocket science: if you want to keep a hot-streak going, do not put the recipient of said hot-streak in a feud with a man who has not garnered any interest since 2002. I wish I had something more insightful to add, but tonight's show has completely sapped me of my creative spirit. On the bright side I am looking forward to the PPV, which actually has some well built-up matches, tonight notwithstanding.

Overall: Imagine a climber struggling up a long, steep incline. Now imagine someone dropping a piano on him. Now imagine someone urinating on that piano. This show was both the piano and the urine. It wasn't quite the worst Impact ever--
to the best of my recollection it comes in second though. It avoids failure only because, as bad as it was, I need to save a failing grade for when they do a fake 10 bell salute for their "dead" chairman. Also the final shot of Tomko and Christian was okay. D-

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