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By James Caldwell, Torch columnist

TNA Impact on Spike TV
February 14, 2008
Taped Feb. 11 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist

The show opened with a video package on Against All Odds with the James Earl Jones announcer doing the usual lines about dreamers and evolving and having an arm raised in the air once the dust settles. They closed with still-shots of Tomko helping Angle retain the TNA Title at the PPV. Today's theme: "Til Death Do Us Part"

Backstage: The Angle limo pulled up backstage and out popped Karen, one of her daughters, and Borash. Karen was in her wedding dress. Borash pulled out a mic and Karen talked glowingly about Kurt having never done anything this romantic for her before. Suddenly, Eric Young walked in and said he has a battle with a real monster today. Karen's daughter said there are no such things as monsters. Karen told him to get over it because Borash is too busy being her maid of honor to care about Young's problems. They left and Young laughed to himself about Borash's role. How many hats can one person wear?

In-ring: Jim Cornette was in center ring. He brought out Samoa Joe for another attempt to sign the contract. Cornette said there are no interrupts tonight. He said if he doesn't get this deal signed tonight, his next job will be cleaning out the catbox. He then produced a pen and Joe began to sign on Cornette's back, but Christian's music interrupted. "Are we ever going to sign this deal with Samoa Joe?" Tenay asked. He said Christian was screwed by Tomko at the PPV. That explains everything.

Christian said before Joe sign the deal, he needs to get some things straight. He pointed out that Joe was special enforcer for the PPV main event, and his job was to secure a fair fight. Christian said Joe was assuredly doing his job by running out A.J. Styles, but he left the back door open for Tomko. So, Tomko screwed Christian through the back door? Christian said he didn't come out here to assess blame on Joe, so all he's asking for is Joe to help him make it right. He said they may never be friends, but man-to-man, he's asking him out as his tag partner tonight against Styles & Tomko. He said he wants Joe to help him take them out. On a date? What a lovely Valentine's Day tonight. Joe placed his hand on Christian's shoulder and reminded him that his title chase is over because the next challenger to the title is the man facing him. Joe said maybe he didn't do the best job in the world...last night...but it's been a long time since he had a good fight in the Impact Zone. Joe said he's ready for a fight, so he'll take them on tonight. They shook hands, then Christian left.

Cornette grabbed Joe and asked him to take care of some TNA business right now. Joe stared at the contract, then Joe asked if TNA business is more important than his personal business? He asked if saving Cornette and the cheap tie is more important than his own personal business? Joe said when he takes care of some personal business, then maybe, just maybe, he'll take care of Cornette's business. Cornette stammered around the ring gasping for answers. Poor guy.

Backstage: Crystal addressed Tomko backstage. She said Tomko screwed Christian at the PPV, then Tomko snapped on her and said Christian was trying to guide him all this time, but he could become a star on his own. Tomko said finally and forever, him and Christian are over after five years. She then asked Tomko where his alliances are with the Angles. He said he's going to handle that a bit later when he has a chit-chat with Mr. Angle.

[Commercial Break]

[Q2]

Backstage: Crystal interviewed A.J. Styles in the Angle locker room. Styles said it's the worst night of his life with Karen renewing her vows and everything. Kurt stepped in and asked if Styles has a problem with the deal. Styles stammered out an excuse, then Kurt told him to make sure he makes it to the renewal because he's the best man. "Best man? Best man?!" Styles shouted. "He's marrying my woman! I'm not wearing a suit, Kurt!"

In-ring: Team 3D wobbled to the ring and Devon did some posing on the stage. Curry Man and Shark Boy rounded out the Cartoon Express tag team to face Team 3D. With all teams in the ring, referee Earl Hebner stepped into the ring with a scale. Hebner said Team 3D has to weigh less than 275 lbs. tonight to participate in the match. Devon went on the scale first and the scale nearly broke. Hebner gave him the thumbs up. There's no way he's under 275.

Ray went on the scale next and he lost his balance. Hebner looked at the scale, which didn't put him under 275. Ray decided the flannel shirt was the cause of his predicament, so that went off. Next were the elbow pads, which didn't do any good. Ray then ripped off the wrist tape and Hebner still didn't give him the OK. He just shook his head in shame. Hebner told him he's way, way over the limit. Ray dejectedly walked away from the scale and Hebner said it would have to be a handicap match. Why is Ray dejected? He's getting the Kevin Nash deal of not having to do anything and still getting paid. And are we supposed to feel sorry for the heels? Or, laugh and point at them?

1 -- SHARK BOY & CURRY MAN vs. BROTHER DEVON (w/Brother Ray and Johnny Devine) -- handicap match

Devon straight dominated Shark Boy in the opening minutes. Sharkie rolled to the floor to recover, but Ray landed a right hand blow that led to a nearfall for Devon back in the ring. Devon then went for a diving headbutt, but Shark moved and made the tag to Curry. Curry landed a scoop slam and a jawbreaker before taking him to the corner for a butt splash. Sharkie then dragged Devine into the ring and gave him a Stunner. Curry went up top, but Ray smashed him in the face with the scale. Devon with the pin for the win. Tenay with some eye-rolling line about the "scales of justice" being flawed.

WINNER: Devon in 3:00. Just a silly segment and match. Of no consequence on this show. (1/2*)

Backstage: They quickly went to the parking lot where Crystal caught up with Booker T. He was waiting outside for Robert Roode to show up. Booker said he's going to snap his neck.

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

Announcers: Tenay and West broke down the line-up tonight and recapped some items from the PPV. ... In-ring: Scott Steiner came out with his freak, Rocka Kahn. Abyss came out to face Steiner, but he stopped walking on the entrance ramp and looked at the bandages covering the scars on his arms. He slowly walked down to the ring, but stopped at the ring steps. Tenay went back to the list of brawling wrestlers who have made a mark in wrestling. He said he's adding Abyss to the list with Terry Funk, Brody, Abdullah, etc. Give it a rest, please. Abyss then turned away from the ring and left up the entrance ramp. He took of his mask with his back to the camera and dropped it on the ramp. He left.

[Commercial Break]

In-ring: Steiner cut a promo in the ring about winning his TNA Title shot at the PPV. He said he is demanding a World Title shot whenever he wants, so they're doing things the way he wants to from here on out. Steiner said that since he's doing things his way now, he brought his favorite freak to TNA, Rocka Kahn. Steiner laid down the gauntlet for anyone to show up and get a whooping. No one came out, then Petey Williams's random music hit and he walked out on stage. Petey, with a stretch band wrapped around his neck, cut a promo about Steiner screwing him for the last time at the PPV. He said Steiner might think Petey is little, but he's Maple Leaf Muscle - the definition of definition. Petey called him a loser. He then charged the ring.

2 -- SCOTT STEINER (w/Rocka Kahn) vs. PETEY WILLIAMS

Petey went right after Steiner with a facebuster across his knees, leaving Steiner on the mat. Petey then took a dominating offensive attack from Steiner for a few minutes and Steienr toyed with him by pulling off pin attempts. Regarding Petey, Tenay said they just "put him over" for almost winning at the PPV, but he's struggling tonight. No, "putting someone over" is the actual result of complimenting a person's efforts. It's not the action itself. Petey made a comeback at 4:00 and went for the Canadian Destroyer, but Steiner blocked. They botched a jawbreaker spot before Petey regrouped with a spinkick to the face. Petey then went to the corner, but Rocka crotched Petey on the top rope while Steiner had the ref occupied. What a surprise. Steiner then slapped Petey across the face before nailing a fallaway slam from the top. He covered Petey for a three count and the win.

WINNER: Steiner in 5:00. Decent singles match, but another TNA match ends with female interference. Nothing memorable, but it advanced the storyline. (*1/2)

[Q4]

Backstage: Tomko talked to Kurt Angle. He said he sees strength in numbers with Angle. He said if Angle is willing to put his ego aside, he'll be up for joining the Angle Alliance to form a nice business relationship. Tomko said he won't be Angle's bitch, though. Angle said "no bitching, no problem." Tomko corrected him that he said he won't be Angle's bitch. Angle was overjoyed by this whole thing, so he mindlessly agreed. Tomko said his rules are his rules, and things will be done his way.

Announcers: Tenay and West started talking about stuff, but Tenay got word in his ear that Christian was KO'ed backstage. They did a quick cut to the locker room area where Christian was asleep on the floor. Tenay said he was KO'ed, so what does this mean for the tag match tonight?

[Commercial Break]

Backstage: Borash talked to Karen Angle about the wedding deal, and Karen screamed in joy. Eric Young then barged in and said Rellik vowed to gouge out his eyeballs and split his brain. Karen screamed that she's going to do something worse to Young if he doesn't leave. Young reluctantly left, then Borash got in close to Karen to tell her how beautiful she looks.

In-ring: A.J. Styles and Tomko came to the ring for a non-title tag match. Samoa Joe then came out on stage and said he knows Styles and Tomko laid out Christian, but he has back-up tonight. Kevin Nash's music hit and Nash walked out on stage with a sleeveless t-shirt and blue jeans. Tenay said Nash has a thing for not working on free TV, but he won't pass up a good fight.

3 -- TNA tag champions A.J. STYLES & Tomko vs. KEVIN NASH & SAMOA JOE -- non-title match

The match started on the floor where Nash smashed Styles with forearm blows. Back in the ring, Joe chucked Tomko over the top rope to the floor. Nash then whipped Styles into Joe, who flung Styles over the top rope onto Tomko.

[Commercial Break]

[Q5 -- second-hour]

Back from break, Tomko was working over Joe in the ring. The champs continued to work over Joe, while getting in a few shots on Nash, who waited patiently from the apron for a tag. He eventually took the tag, but they did the spot where the ref was distracted, so he didn't allow the tag. Hebner then spent the next minute trying to get Nash out of the ring, which allowed Kurt Angle to run down to ringside and KO Joe, who walked into an Olympic Slam from Tomko. Tomko made the cover on Joe for the win. Strength in numbers.

WINNERS: Tomko & Styles in 7:00. Just the usual TNA formula TV match of referee incompetence and interference leading to the finish. (*)

[Commercial Break]

Backstage: Joe had the mic with Nash over his shoulder. He said that when he gets Kurt Angle in the ring at Destination X, he'll get that TNA Title. He said that before that, though, he wants the Angle Alliance in the ring and they will take them out once and for all. Joe said if he thinks the war starts at the PPV, he's mistaken because tonight is not over. Good follow-up promo for Joe to get his heat back quickly.

In-ring: Rellik came to the ring for a match against Eric Young. Young then tentatively walked out to the ring and stared at Rellik, who remained motionless in the corner during Young's ring intro.

4 -- ERIC YOUNG vs. RELLIK

Tenay said maybe Young can overcome his fear of monsters by winning this match. Rellik cut him off with a boot to the face, though. Rellik then slapped on his killer hockey mask, which freaked out Young. He then ran over Young with a clothesline for the win. It's the move of the night, sponsored by Geico.

WINNER: Rellik in 2:00. So, where has Rellik been all this time? Just a match. (1/2*)

[Q6]

Backstage: Hermie Sadler was with LAX and Motor City Machine Guns and NASCAR drivers to talk about some stuff. Juan Pablo Montoya talked about taking a break from preparing for his next race. Sadler then asked Sabin about pro wrestling relating to NASCAR, and Sabin gave a random answer. Shelley finally added some color to this by asking to see LAX's green cards. MCMGs looked like they would rather be anywhere else besides on this interview set. Sadler then brought in Homicide for an interview. Homicide talked about stripping down a car and taking it to the chop shop. What is with Hernandez's facial hair?

[Commercial Break]

Announcers: Jimmy Spencer joined Tenay and West ringside to comment on the next match. Christy Hemme then led out Jimmy Rave and Lance Hoyt. They did their usual shtick. LAX then came out with Juan Pablo Montoya.

5 -- JIMMY RAVE (w/Hemme and Hoyt) vs. HOMICIDE (w/LAX and Montoya) vs. CHRIS SABIN (w/Alex Shelley)

The whole point of this was for the wrestlers to do a bunch of rapid-fire spots to somehow relate this to very fast car driving. I thought 'ole Jeff Hammond - the six points of Impact guy - was bad on commentary. Spencer couldn't figure out what he was watching. The finish revolved around a skirmish on the outside, leading to Juan Pablo softly hitting Hoyt in the face with a chair. This distracted Rave, who was rolled up by Homicide for the win.

WINNER: Homicide in 3:00 excruciating minutes. Just bad. No two ways about it. By the time Spencer figured out what was going on, the match was over and Don West sounded halfway decent as the color commentator. (1/2*)

[Q7]

[Commercial Break]

Video promo: They did a video on Rhino. The same video they did like a year ago on his personal struggles with alcohol and the demons of his past. Now, Terry has a new lease on life. Rhino returns to avenge his past. Same song, different verse.

In-ring: Rhino ran to the ring for a promo. He said he has a lot to say about James Storm. Rhino said he's not going to cry or bitch or moan about Storm reintroducing alcohol into his life. He pulled a Mike Gundy and said he's a man. He's a man because he screwed up, hurting his family, friends, and ... his fans. His fan cheered. Rhino then asked if Storm has balls. Well, why don't we find out. Rhino paused, then said he's back to kick some ass. He said if Storm has balls, he'll show up at Destination X to go toe-to-toe with him. Rhino said the fight shouldn't be in the ring, rather the most dangerous match in pro wrestling. He wanted an Elevation X match. "Yeah!!!" West randomly shouted. Rhino, channeling Ultimate Warrior throughout this, talked in short breaths before screaming "Gore, Gore, Gore!"

Video promo: They did a video on Awesome Kong. The voice-over man talked about Kong's appetite for destruction. How do you stop a monster when winning the title isn't good enough?

Backstage: ODB did a promo about Kong beating her at the PPV, but she could still beat her three out of five times. Gail Kim randomly re-appeared and said she has ODB's back. Where did Gail come from? Wasn't she injured? What's going on here? ODB said the more the merrier, but just remember she's not just another pretty face.

6 -- Knockouts champion AWESOME KONG (w/Raesha Saaed) vs. ODB -- Street Fight -- non-title match

They brawled on the floor where ODB went for a splash against the guardrail, but Kong moved and ODB fell into the crowd. Time for a break in the middle of the action.

[Commercial Break]

[Q8]

They returned from break and Gail suddenly came to ringside where Kong laid her out. Back in the ring, Kong landed a sick clothesline that bent ODB over backward. Gail then tried to interfere against Kong back in the ring, but Kong ducked a splash from ODB, causing ODB to crash into Gail. Kong then dropped ODB with the implant buster for the win.

Post-match: Gail and ODB had a shoving match after their misunderstanding. They were about to come to blows when Velvet Sky and Angelina Love ran into the ring to play the voices of reason. What's the unofficial count of female vs. male TNA talent on this show so far?

WINNER: Kong in 7:00. Just another match with interference to advance storylines. Young vs. Rellik was the only match on this show with a clean finish. (3/4*)

Backstage: Booker was still waiting for Roode back in the parking lot. Crystal then walked over with some random woman, who was apparently Peyton Banks. I think. Who knows. She just got a call from Roode, and he's not showing up tonight. Booker said if he's not here next week, then he's going all the way to Manhattan to beat the crap out of him. Jim Cornette then ran over to Booker and said he's got a match for him against Roode at Destination X. Cornette said Booker is scaring his wrestlers to no-show TV - acting like a stalker or something. Cornette booked Booker in the main event next week against Kurt Angle. He told him to take out his frustrations against Angle, which he'd love to see happen.

[Commercial Break]

In-ring: The ring was set up for the renewal of vows. A preacher who looked like the late Jerry Fallwell was in the ring to set up the proceedings. Kurt Angle then walked out with his best man, A.J. Styles. Angle was all-smiles. Styles wasn't happy about the whole deal. We'll call the preacher Fallwell for the sake of this being TNA. Fallwell then introduced Karen, Kyra, and the maid of honor, Jeremy Borash. Everyone was smiling brightly. The fans interrupted with an "Angle sucks" chant. Karen and Kurt locked hands as Fallwell rattled off Angle's accomplishments. Kurt kept interrupting to whisper something in Fallwell's ear. They both agreed to renew the vows, then Fallwell asked if any man objects to this. Of course, the whole crowd screamed.

Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash then interrupted, and Joe said he objects. Joe said they were going to wait for Angle in the parking lot with baseball bats, but they couldn't wait through Kurt making the same mistake of marrying a two-bit skank. Joe ran into the ring and knocked people around. Styles fell on top of Karen and the preacher lost his glasses. Joe and Nash then stripped Angle of his dignity by stripping him down to his boxer shorts on the outside. Fallwell recovered to his feet, as did a stunned Karen and Styles. Fallwell collected himself, but he couldn't see anything, so he pronounced Styles and Karen as husband and wife. Styles was shocked, then he kissed Karen on the lips. "What have we just seen?" Tenay screamed. Styles's frown turned upside down while Kurt looked toward the ring with a shocked look. What a mess.

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