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Where We've Been: We're coming off a very good Against All Odds, where the biggest news was Tomko's heel turn. They have a lot of explaining to do before I buy into that, so that should be the main agenda for tonight. A lesser issue is that with Team 3D forced to weigh in at under 275 lbs. apiece and the title back around the waist of Jay Lethal we can hopefully finally get back to the business of rebuilding the X Division that's been on the backburner for two years. We also have Steiner's new ally to introduce—a tall lady who distracted Petey Williams and allowed Steiner to claim both briefcases. Theoretically I suppose that means we should also consider Steiner's two upcoming title shots a live issue, but I doubt either will amount to much. We can hope for new programs for Abyss, James Storm, Eric Young, and Kaz, all of whom seem to have programs that have run whatever minimal course they had. I could actually see a Kaz-Abyss feud working if they're willing to turn Kaz—clearly his personality as a face just is not happening. Rhino came back, that's probably what Storm will be up to for at least a month. Anyway, this should be a relatively exciting reset-button of a show. Also there'll be a recommitment ceremony between the Angles, but hopefully that's just an excuse to see Joe choke out a clergyman.

The Show

Karen Angle arrives with JB and their lovely little girl. Eric Young runs in and complains that he has to wrestle a real-life monster tonight, Rellik. He's a little worried, cause he's scared of monsters, but Kurt's daughter assures him that there's no such thing. Karen says that JB is too busy to help, cause he has maid of honor duties.

[Opening Credits]

Tenay announces ODB vs. Awesome Kong in a Street Fight and Abyss vs. Tomko for later tonight.

Jim Cornette is in the ring, and he's still trying to sign Joe. Morgan's been instructed to stay away, Angle's busy, and Cornette finally had the brains not to put a table in the ring. That last one is a nice touch. Joe comes down sans Nash. Cornette brought a pen, and is happy to let Joe use his back as a table. The lights dim, and Christian's music hits. He strides to the ring looking like he means business. He says that he has something to discuss with Joe—he doesn't like that Joe left the door open for Tomko to come out and cost him the World Championship. He isn't out here to blame Joe, but just wants Joe to help him make things right. He wants Joe to be his partner tonight against AJ and Tomko. Joe says he understands Christian's feelings, but his title chase is over—it's Joe's turn now. However, it has been a long time since he's had a fight in the Impact Zone. The enemy of his enemy is his friend, so he's happy to help Christian, "my friend", deal with AJ and Tomko. Christian leaves, and Cornette wants Joe to get back to the important business of signing his TNA contract. Joe doesn't like the implication that his personal business isn't important, so he says that he'll deal with that first and only afterwards deal with TNA business.

Crystal is in the back with Tomko, and this seems like a weird way to let him say his piece after a major turn. Maybe they're afraid the crowd will still cheer him? Tomko says that for five years Christian has been a monkey on his back promising to make him a star, but he's a star in his own right. Tomko's very intense throughout, which I am decidedly not digging. Crystal wants to know whether that means Tomko is now aligned with the Angle Alliance, and he says he has some business to sort out with Kurt first.

[Commercial Break]

Crystal is in the back with AJ, who's looking whimsically at his crown. AJ says that he didn't agree to wrestle Christian tonight, so it's not going to happen. Crystal says that Cornette already approved it, and AJ starts complaining that with Kurt recommitting to Karen this was the worst day of his life already. Kurt overhears, and tells AJ that whatever problems he has with Christian are his own fault for screwing him over, but that he better put on his suit to be the best man at the wedding. After Kurt leaves, AJ complains that he's marrying his woman, and that he's not putting on any suit.

(1) Team 3D (w/ Johnny Devine) defeat Curry Man & Shark Boy

I guess Shark Boy & Curry Man are really a team now. Earl Hebner hits the ring with a scale, and he informs Ray and Devon that pursuant to the stipulation from Sunday's match they can only participate in this match if they weigh in at under 275 lbs. Devon steps on, and Earl Hebner signals that he is in fact below the weight limit. Ray gets on, and Hebner says he didn't make it. He takes off his jacket and then his elbow pads, but he still can't make weight. He tries the wrist-tape, after which Hebner tells him not to take anything else off, because he's not going to make it. Devon has to compete solo. Shark Boy's still doing a full-on Austin, and it's really time for him to start working some of his own moves back in. Devon tosses him to the outside, where Brother Ray can beat him down a bit before rolling him back in. Devon goes for a Kamikazee Headbutt but gets nothing. Curry Man comes in with a seemingly effortless Scoop Slam, and follows it up with some quick offense. When he goes to the top rope, however, Ray nails him in the head with the scale and Devon rolls him up for the three count.

Crystal catches up to Booker T in the parking lot, and she wants to know why he's there. Booker informs her that he's not worried about the show, but rather whether Robert Roode's going to show up tonight.

[Commercial Break]

Rellik says that he's going to drill a hole in Eric Young's skull, and eat his eyes, and chew his finger, or something. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be funny.

Scott Steiner comes out for his match against Abyss. When Abyss gets to the ring, he throws down his chain, looks at his scars, and walks back up the ramp. With his back to the camera, he takes off his mask and walks out. The crowd is not happy.

[Commercial Break]

Steiner is still in the ring as they review what happened "moments ago." Steiner says that he came here to kick somebody's ass. Since he won his match Sunday, he has two title shots, and that from now on we're doing things his way. He introduces his "favorite freak, Rakakahn (?)", and then issues an open challenge. Petey Williams hits the arena and says that he's sick of Steiner screwing him. Steiner might think he's "Little Petey Pump", but he's really "The Maple Leaf Muscle" and "The Definition of Definition."

(2) Petey Williams defeats Scott Steiner

Petey enters the ring with a Slingshot Codebreaker and follows up with a quick dropkick to Steiner's knee and a Cutter. He goes to the top rope and nails a Cross Body Block for one. He goes for some punches in the corner, but Steiner lifts him up and Power Bombs him to the mat. Steiner hits a Do-Se-Do Suplex, but pulls Petey's head up after two. The crowd comes alive for Petey as Steiner hits his push-ups. He gets Petey with a mean looking Overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex, but when he sets him up for a Suplerplex Petey fights him off and nails a Tornado DDT. He follows up with a Hurricanrana, but Steiner grabs the ropes after two. Petey gets a Small Package for two, and then hits a Hesitation Dropkick against the ropes. He sets up for the Canadian Destroyer, but Steiner reverses into an attempted Alabama Slam. Petey floats over into a Sunset Flip, but Steiner fights it off. Petey hits a Spin Kick and a Wheelbarrow Kick, but when he goes to the top to follow up Khan crotches him on the turnbuckle. Steiner meets him with a Super Fall-Away Slam for the three count. After the match, Steiner pulls Petey up and pats him on the shoulder.

Crystal is in the Angles' locker room with Kurt and Tomko. Tomko says that he sees Joe work with Nash, and now he sees Joe working with Christian. He says that he understands that there's strength in numbers, and that he's willing to join the Angle Alliance. Angle is elated. Tomko adds the condition that he won't be Angle's bitch, and that he'll do what he wants. I'm not sure what makes him a member of the team if he's just going to do what he wants anyway, but I assume there'll be some exceptions. Kurt asks if Tomko will be at the wedding, but Tomko snorts and walks away.

Christian has been laid out in the back.

[Commercial Break]

JB is with Karen, who's ecstatic. Young bursts in looking for more advice on Rellik, but Karen tosses him from the room. Young calls her "Bridezilla" on his way out.

Styles and Tomko come out to the ring for their match. Apparently this is a "Non-title Revenge Match." Wouldn't you get more revenge by taking the titles? Joe comes out with a mic, and says that he has no idea what happened to Christian, but he's sure AJ and/or Tomko had something to do with it. As much as Joe would love to beat them up himself, he's learned his lesson, and has plenty of friends.

(3) Samoa Joe & Kevin Nash defeat AJ Styles & Tomko

Joe starts things off beating down AJ in the corner. The crowd's got the loudest "Joe is gonna kill you chant" they've managed in ages as Joe kills AJ. Tomko comes in to break up a two count but Nash and Joe just tee off on him. They toss AJ from the ring too.

[Commercial Break]

We come back just in time to see Joe go for a Suicide Dive, but Tomko cuts him off with a forearm to the head. Apparently Joe and Tomko are legal. Tomko tags in AJ, though seems hesitant to do so. AJ tags back in Tomko yet again, but the ref doesn't seem to care. They try to double-team Joe some more, but he fights off both men long enough to make the tag to Nash. The ref didn't see it, but this time it's Nash who doesn't care—he just comes into the ring and starts beating up AJ and Tomko. He looks more mobile here than he has in a while. As the referee is distracted with Nash and AJ, Kurt runs down to the ring and knocks Joe back into what appeared to be an Olympic Slam from Tomko. That's enough for the win, which Tenay points out just emphasizes the strength that comes with numbers. I'm not sure why Angle would want to tick someone off on his wedding day.

[Commercial Break]

Crystal is in the back with Nash and Joe, and Joe's not happy. He says that Kurt's shot was a declaration of war, and that he's happy to wage war with the oddest of armies. He realizes that the only way he'll ever get his title shot is to destroy the Angle Alliance first. He proposes a match at Destination X between the Angle Alliance, Joe, Nash, and Christian Cage. Joe says that the war isn't going to wait though, because the night isn't over.

(4) Eric Young defeats Rellik

Young seems afraid to even touch Rellik. He nails a boot, but then pulls back enough for Rellik to retake control. Young starts to look angry, and marches around the ring soaking up the crowd's reaction. Suddenly he stands in the middle of the ring with Rellik, beating him down with haymakers and clotheslines. When Young goes to feed off the crowd some more Rellik grabs an outer mask, which gives Young pause long enough for Rellik to nails a clothesline for the win. Did I just say that someone "nailed a clothesline for the win"?

Herbie Sadler (?) is in the back with LAX, The Motor City Machine Guns, and a couple of random Nascar racers. Shelley wants to see LAX's green cards. Homicide says the only cars he likes are the ones he takes to the chop shops. I'd say something about that being racist, but if I'm not mistaken Homicide actually was a gang member at some point.

[Commercial Break]

Nascar analyst Jesse Spencer is sitting in on commentary. I don't know why either.

The Rock & Rave Infection do their thing. I don't think I get it.

(5) Homicide (w/Hernandez, Selinas, and Juan Pablo Montoya) defeats Jimmy Rave (w/Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme) and Chris Sabin (w/Alex Shelley and Reed Sorenson)

There's no way they'll let this match go as long as it took me to type out all the people at ringside. Rave starts off playing air guitar, so Homicide and Sabin star off beating up Rave. Once they clear him out they start in on each other, with just about the awesomeness you'd expect before Rave catches Sabin from the apron. From here on things move way too fast for me to keep up, though to Rave's credit he manages to keep pace all right. When Hoyt goes to interfere with a chair Hernandez pulls him off the apron and Montoya grabs the chair. Sadler tries to create some distance between Montoya and Hoyt, but Hoyt knocks Sadler away and Montoya nails Hoyt with a chair. Rave comes over to object, which gives Homicide the opportunity to roll him up for the three count. LAX celebrate in the ring, at which point I notice Hernandez's terrifying new mustache.

[Commercial Break]

They recap Rhino's history in TNA, which I suppose makes a certain amount of sense if their ratings are higher than they were when he left.

Rhino hits the ring and grabs the mic right away. He says he has a lot to say, but only one person to say it to. He calls out James Storm, and says that he won't complain about Storm reintroducing alcohol to his life when he's the one who allowed it. He says he's man enough to admit his mistakes, but he wants to know if Storm's a man as well. He wants to take on Storm at Destination X in an Elevation X match. I'm not sure if Storm will be able to pull one off as well as AJ did, but if anyone can it's him. Rhino says that 15 feet up he will tear Storm apart with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

They recap Awesome Kong's history in TNA, which makes less sense. I suppose it's hard to complain about them hyping a women's match though.

Crystal is in the back with ODB, who says that Sunday wasn't the first fight she lost and it won't be the last. But she did learn that she can hang with Awesome Kong, and that if they have five matches maybe she'll win three. Gail Kim pops into the picture and says that she'll have ODB's back tonight and make sure Sayid doesn't interfere. ODB says that's fine, but to remember that she's not just another pretty face. She seemed to be channeling a bit more angry intensity than usual, which works surprisingly well with her.

(6) Awesome Kong defeats ODB

ODB jumps Kong before she makes it to the ring, but Kong just powers her down. Kong goes for a chair but doesn't connect with it. ODB busts out some elbows to the gut and a couple of Polish Hammers. She knocks Kong back against the guardrail, but when she charges Kong steps aside. They fight into the crowd.

[Commercial Break]

We come back as Kong rolls ODB into the ring. ODB tries to come off the ropes but Sayid trips her up. ODB goes to unmask her, but Kong makes the save. Gail Kim gets in Sayid's face, which draws Kong to the outside. She tosses Kim into the barricade, but that gives ODB time to recover in the ring. She rallies briefly, but Kong takes her down with a clothesline. Kong goes too near the ropes, and Gail Kim grabs onto her. She and ODB trade shots on Kong, but when Kim tries to hold Kong ODB accidentally clotheslines Kim instead. Kong takes advantage with an Implant Buster for the win.
After the match, ODB blames Kim for the loss. Kim tries to explain as ODB shoves her a couple times. Kim finally has enough and shoves back, but before things can escalate Angelina Williams and Velvet Sky intervene.

Payton Banks goes to apologize to Booker in the parking lot for her actions on Sunday. She says that she got a call from Roode, who won't be here tonight. Booker says that if he's not here next week, he'll go all the way to Manhatten to fight him there. Cornette says that he gave Booker another shot at Roode at Destination X, but since Booker clearly needs something to keep him occupied, next week he'll be fighting Kurt Angle.

[Commercial Break]

Apparently it's time for the wedding. I hope no large Samoans mess things up again. You just can't throw a wedding these days without that happening. The priest calls down Kurt Angle and AJ Styles, the latter of whom comes down looking disheveled and miserable. He next invites Karen Angle, Kia Angle, and JB down to the ring. I can't decide if it would have been funny to see JB in a dress, but apparently Karen let him wear a tux. Both Angles look joyous, which is kind of nice. The priest asks who presents this man to be married, and grudgingly AJ says he does. The priest has the sense to pause for the "Angle Sucks" chant, which makes me think he must be some veteran wrestler I should recognize. Angle tells the priest to list his accomplishments along with his name. It's slightly amusing. The priest, having apparently never seen a wrestling wedding, says that anyone who has cause for these two not to wed should speak now or forever hold their piece. Joe comes out with Nash and says that he objects. He says that they had been planning to ambush Kurt in the back with baseball bats, but that they didn't hate him enough to let him make the same mistake again in marrying the same gold-digging tramp. So instead they'll just charge down and beat him unmercifully and strip him of his dignity. Apparently they meant that literally, as they run down to the ring, knock Angle down, and start ripping his clothes off. On their way to him they knock AJ into Karen and the preacher into the ground. The three of them right themselves just in time for the groggy preacher to pronounce Karen and AJ man and wife. He tells AJ to kiss the bride, which he does, much to the consternation of the Angles and the seeming amusement of the crowd.

Where We're Going: First off, I promised my wife I'd rebuke TNA for messing with a wedding on Valentine's Day. Also, since I still have three minutes left on the clock, I might as well mention that I love her (yes, I forgot to get flowers). Meanwhile, I do have to say that that was easily one of the best weddings a wrestling show has ever done, second only to Chuck & Billy's commitment ceremony on Smackdown. It was reasonably funny, and advanced both the main feud and several subsidiary plots. But the fact is that it wasn't really great, so I couldn't understand why I liked it until I observed the obvious—it was short. TNA has apparently discovered the secret of incorporating over-the-top soap opera plot devices into their product without inducing complete apathy—making sure they clock in at under seven minutes. If one thinks back to the long, drawn out weddings in WWE, complete with full song numbers and wedding parties, one has to wonder why no one has ever struck on this idea before. Anyway, hopefully as TNA goes on they will learn from this and continue to provide variety in short, manageable doses.

Overall: This show was kind of fun, and I found the ending much more amusing than I'd dared hope. Tomko's turn, while not fully motivated, at least seemed vaguely plausible. If this show had had any concentrated wrestling worth mentioning it could have been top of the line—I like Shark Boy, but that time could probably have been better spent beefing up the X Division or women's matches. B




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