KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
FEBRUARY 14, 2008
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

-After a recap of the TNA Against All Odds PPV, Karen Angle, her daughter, and Jeremy Borash got out of a limo. Karen was wearing a wedding dress. Eric Young walked up to Borash and said he was worried about wrestling Rellik (noting, "that's killer spelled backwards") because he's scared of monsters. Daughter Angle said there's no such thing as monsters. Karen told Young that Borash was busy being her maid of honor. Young chuckled.

-The TNA Impact opening aired. Mike Tenay and Don West introduced and previewed the program. They hyped another ODB vs. Awesome Kong match (driving that right into the ground already) and Abyss vs. Scott Steiner.

-Jim Cornette stood mid-ring and said he wanted to get the Samoa Joe contract signed once and for all. He had contract in hand and called Joe to the ring. Joe walked to the ring. Cornette said it was just the two of them with a contract and pen. He said if he doesn't get it done, he'll be cleaning out of the cat box. He offered his back as a desk. Cornette said he wouldn't turn his back on him if he didn't trust him. Joe was about to sign it when Christian Cage's music played. Cornette began to cry. Why didn't Joe just quickly sign the paperwork before Christian got to the ring. Tenay snuck in a comment about how Tomko helped Kurt Angle retain his title. He said he didn't see that coming.

Christian said as the special enforcer referee his job entailed that he secure a fair fight. He said he was doing his job by escorting A.J. Styles out of the building, but he left the back door wide open for Tomko to enter the ring and "make the biggest mistake of his miserable existence." He said he wasn't there to throw blame at him or accuse him of intentionally costing him the title, but he did want to ask him to help him make it right. He said they aren't friends and probably never will be, but he wanted him to be his partner tonight. Tenay let out a voice-cracking, "Wyaoowww!" Joe said he understands his frustration, as he's been in that position before but his title chase is over. He said the next opportunity at a title shot goes to himself. He said maybe he didn't do the best job in the world "last night" (oops; he meant Sunday night). He said, "They say the enemy of the enemy is my friend, so my friend, I'm ready for a fight, so I'll take on those boys with you tonight." Christian extended his hand and Joe signed it

As Joe began to leave the ring, Cornette called him back to center ring. He told him he had a more important matter to tend to. Joe asked him if he's trying to tell him that TNA business is more important than his personal business. "Are you trying to say helping you and trying to save that cheap tie is more important than what I plan to get done tonight." Joe said he was going to take care of his personal business, and after that maybe, just maybe, he'll take care of his TNA business. This is pretty silly, as Joe was offered a lucrative multi-year deal and it seems he can take it or leave it. How is signing a huge contract not his own personal business in addition to Cornette's or TNA's? And how is his teaming with Christian later not TNA's business, too? I mean, it's not like Joe just agreed to help Christian remodel his kitchen. He agreed to team with him in a TNA wrestling match in a TNA ring on a TNA show against other TNA wrestlers. That's TNA's business, isn't it?

-Crystal asked Tomko about screwing Christian. Tomko said he doesn't see it that way. He said Christian was annoying him for five years, taking credit for making him a star. He said it's real cute that he and Joe are together. He said finally and forever, he and Christian are over. She asked about where he stands with the Angle Alliance. Tomko said he's going to have a little chit-chat with Angle later. At least it came across as if Tomko is still his own man here, rather than siding blindly as a follower with the Angle Alliance. But that will be addressed more clearly later.

[Commercial Break]

-Crystal interviewed A.J. Styles backstage about teaming with Angle against Christian and Joe. Styles said he didn't agree to the match so it's not going to happen. Angle thought he heard Styles say he had a problem with Kurt and Karen renewing their vows. Kurt told him he's the best man and he must bring his suit and be there. Styles yelled, as soon as Angle left the ring, "He's marrying my woman! I'm not wearing a suit!"

1 -- TEAM 3D (w/Johnny Devine) vs. CURRY MAN & SHARK BOY

Curry Man danced his way to the ring and acted goofy. Tenay said he's a product of TNA's ongoing relationship with New Japan. Shark Boy came out to the Stone Cold intro music ripoff. Before the match began, Dave Hebner explained to Brother Ray and Devon that they had to weigh in less than 265 to participate. West said eye-balling it, it doesn't look likely. Hebner said Devon weighed in less than 265. Brother Ray was up next. Hebner shook his head no. Ray's smile turned to a frown. Seriously, why would Ray smile? What about his character would indicate he's stupid enough to think he weighs 50 pounds less than he really does. Ray took off his flannel shirt and re-weighed himself. It didn't work. He took off his elbow pads and tape. Hebner called him "Bubba" and said he weighs way over, so no sense taking off any more clothes. The ref said it would have to be a handicapped match. Fans chanted "Jenny Craig" at Ray. Shark went after Ray at the start. Shark avoided a top rope headbutt from Devon, then tagged in Curry Man. Curry went on a flurry of comedy offense against Devon. Shark gave a Stunner to the interfering Johnny Devine. Meanwhile, Ray KO'd Curry with the sale and Devon scored the pin. Tenay read, "Certainly not the scales of justice." Ugh.

WINNER: Brother Devon in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4*

-Crystal approached Booker T outside the arena in the parking area. He said he's waiting for Robert Roode to show up so he can get his hands around his neck and snap it, "if you know what I'm saying."

[Commercial Break]

-West hyped three March house show dates.

-A video feature aired with Rellik promoting his match against Eric Young. He described what he was going to do to him including plucking out his eye balls and using them in his martini as cherry, drilling a hole in his skull and drink his brains, rip out of his heart and eat it, and stir his martini with his fingers that he bites of his hand. "Get the picture?" he asked. Golly, that was harsh and graphic and heavy-handed and over-the-top.

-Tenay and West were shown on camera. They hyped upcoming matches and then threw to clips from the PPV.

-Scott Steiner walked to the ring for his match against Abyss accompanied by the woman whom West described as "freakishly tall." Tenay talked about Abyss's triumph over Judas Mesias at Against All Odds. He walked up to the ring apron, then paused and returned to the back. Then he turned to face the entrance set and removed his mask. He threw it to the ground and returned to the back.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay said Abyss walking away and de-masking has to be one of the most bizarre moments in TNA history. Is nothing not overstated on this show? Steiner said he entered the ring to kick somebody's butt, he wanted to do it. He said with the briefcases he won, he can demand a title shot and anything he wants. He said he's going to do things his way from now on. He introduced his new "freak," Rock-a-Kahn. He said if you mess with him, you mess with her. He said, "Nobody messes with my freaks." He called for anyone to come to the ring to face him. After a few seconds, Petey Williams stepped out onto the stage. He said he's Maple Leaf Muscle, the definition of definition. He said tonight he's the winner and Steiner is the loser. He called himself Little Petey Pump.

2 -- SCOTT STEINER vs. PETEY WILLIAMS

He went after Steiner's knee, took him down, and then dove off the top rope onto him. Steiner powered out immediately. Petey punched Steiner in the corner. Steiner lifted and powered him to the mat. He dominated Petey and did some push-ups. Then he hit a nasty looking overhead suplex. Petey's head barely cleared the mat. Petey came back with a tornato DDT out of the corner. He followed with a huracanrana for a two count; Steiner grabbed the bottom rope. Petey scored another near fall with an inside cradle, then he dropkicked Steiner in the back. He went for the Canadian Destroyer, but Steiner blocked it and lifted Petey. Petey dropped down and went for a sunset flip. Steiner blocked it. Petey hit a spin wheel kick to Steiner's jaw, then climbed to the top rope. Rock-a-Kahn knocked Petey off balance. Steiner then met him up there and slapped him, then super-fireman's carry dropped him and scored the clean win. After the match, Steiner stood over Petey, yanked him to his feet, and patted him on the shoulder in recognition of him putting up a good fight. Tenay wondered if that was mutual respect.

WINNER: Steiner in 6:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Decent match, actually.

-Backstage Angle told Tomko's he's thankful for what he did. Tomko said he did it for a reason. He said first he had Joe and Nash to deal with and now Joe and Christian. He said he sees things changing around him. He said if Kurt was willing to put his ego aside, he'd join the Angle Alliance. He said, "At no point in this business venture will I be your bitch." He said he will do what he wants to do at all times. He asked Kurt if they have an understanding. Kurt said yes. Tomko asked if he's seen Styles. Tomko laughed and said no. Angle said that's okay with him, not wanting to upset Tomko. Angle told Crystal he's sure Tomko will send his gift in the mail.

-Tenay said he's shocked Tomko just joined the Angle Alliance. West said that makes the Alliance much stronger. Tenay got word in his headset that Christian was just laid out in the back. He wondered how that would affect the upcoming tag match. They went to footage of Christian knocked out.

[Commercial Break]

-Karen prepped for her wedding. Borash excited told her the day has come. Karen said it's amazing Kurt thought of doing this on his own on Valentine's Day. Young barged in and said Rellik said he's going to eat his brain and heart and pluck out his eyeballs. Karen screamed at him not to bother her maid of honor Young called her Bridezilla. It's really odd to mix Rellik's brutally gruesome promo and turn it into fodder for a lite-comedy skit with Young and Karen.

-They showed a Pittsburgh Steeler player, James Farrier, in the front row.

3 -- TOMKO & A.J. STYLES vs. KEVIN NASH & SAMOA JOE

Samoa Joe walked out and said he suspects they were behind the attack of Christian. He said he has friends, so he called out Kevin Nash to replace Christian. Nash was dressed in street clothes. Tenay reminded us that Nash says he won't fight for free, but he said he's fighting for more than money tonight. Tenay said he suspects Styles's fingerprints are all over Christian being attacked. Joe beat up Styles early in the match. The crowd chanted, "Joe's gonna kill you." Joe backdropped a charging Styles onto Tomko at ringside. They cut to a break at 2:00.

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

[Commercial Break: Once again, imperfectly timed start of the second hour with a full commercial breaking kicking things off.]

Tomko took over on Joe in the ring. Styles tagged in at 6:00. Joe elbowed Styles and then kicked Tomko. Nash watched from the ring apron, looking for a hot-tag. Joe did reach Nash, but the ref didn't see it. Tomko stomped on Joe in the ring in his corner. Nash enered the ring and took turns punching Tomko and Styles, then gave Tomko a big boot. Styles tried to whip Nash into the ropes, but Nash reversed it and knocked Styles into the top rope crotch-first, then punched him upside down hanging from the ropes. Angle ran to the ring and punched Joe. Tomko then powered Joe up and dropped him down for his finisher for the three count. Tenay said that shows strength in numbers is effective.

WINNER: Styles & Tomko in 8:00.

STAR RATING: * -- There was some decent wrestling action, but it was just a mish-mash by the end with too much happening.

-A "TNA Wrestling: Cross the Line" commercial aired.

[Commercial Break]

-Crystal interviewed Joe, who screamed at the top of his lungs that this meant war. Nash stood behind him, arms crossed, as Joe said he will hint him down. He said he will never get him in the ring one-on-one until he destroys the Angle Alliance. He said at Destination X, he challenges him to bring the Angle Alliance and he'll bring Kev and Christian. He said the war won't start at the PPV because tonight is not over.

4 -- RELLIK vs. ERIC YOUNG

Young looked terrified, but he managed to get in some early punches and took Rellik to the mat with a clothesline. Young celebrated. Rellik put on a new mask. That scared Young, who jumped backwards. Rellik then nailed Young with his clothesline and scored the pin. He didn't suck his brains, yank out his heart, pluck out his eyebrows, or break off his fingers.

WINNER: Rellik in 2:00.

-Hermie Sadler interviewed the least cool, most annoying group of yapping NASCAR "celebrities." Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin tried to tolerate the situation and not seem completely embarrassed to be there. Sadler asked about how NASCAR and pro wrestler correlate to each other. He turned and asked LAX the same question. They cut away just Homicide began to blow off his question. That was just the worst thing I've ever seen on TNA. Two questions: How did that make it to TV? Who does Hermie Sadler have incriminating pictures of?

[Commercial Break]

-They showed Booker T still waiting for Roode to arrive.

-Jimmy Spencer joined Tenay and West at ringside. He's a former NASCAR racer and new an analyst. He said something about racing, but I was so dreading another non-wrestling NASCAR guy patronizingly trying to talk about wrestling on a national TV show that I was hoping Rellik would jam Young's severed fingers into my ear canals.

5 -- JIMMY RAVE (w/Lance Hoyt) vs. CHRIS SABIN (w/Alex Shelley, Reed Sorenson) vs. HOMICIDE (w/Hernandez, Juan Pablo Montoya)

Tenay touted that Sorenson was a top five finisher or something at a recent race, as if anyone cared. Tenay then talked about Montoya's big race wins. Spencer talked about all he's done for the sport. Rave played awful air guitar on purpose. Homicide flip dove through the ropes onto Rave at ringside at 1:00. Shelley and Homicide wrestled, but Rave kicked Shelly during his pin attempt. Spencer said, "That's strength. You take a man up and hold a man above your head, that's strength." Ugh. All Homicide did was lift Sabin into a fireman's carry position. Herme separated Montoya and Hoyt, but Montoya hit Hoyt with the lamest chairshot you'll ever see. Homicide rolled up a distracted Rave for the win.

WINNER: Homicide in 3:00.

STAR RATING: neg. *** -- One of the most embarrassingly bad wrestling segments on national TV of all time on so many levels.

[Commercial Break]

-A video aired on Rhino. The narrator said Terry Gerin has conquered his demons and is back to rewrite his future. As if Joe and Karen Angle screaming at us at the top of their lungs wasn't enough, Rhino leaned into the camera and yelled at the top of his lungs. He said it's great to be back and he's here to kick some ass. He said if Storm is a man and has balls, he's face him at Destination X and go toe-to-toe. There's no promo in wrestling that can't draw twice the interest if it's yelled at the top of the lungs. Rhino proposed an Elevation X match. West yelled, "Yeah!!!!" He said he's standing on his own two feet, and Storm will not land on his feet. He vowed to rip him in half 15 feet above the ring with a "Gore! Gore! Gore!" I have an earache.

-A video package aired on Awesome Kong. Crystal then interviewed ODB who, after letting go of her boobs, admitted Kong beat her at Against All Odds, but she learned that she can take her. She said if the fought five times, she'd win three times. Gail Kim walked up and said she has her back and will stop Sayed from interfering. ODB said, "The more the merrier, and remember, I'm not just anotherpretty face."

6 -- ODB vs. AWESOME KONG

ODB met Kong on the rampway. Kong immediately took control and beat ODB all the way to the ring. Kong grabbed a chair and swung at ODB. ODB moved and made a comeback. She charged at Kong, but Kong moved and ODB landed in the crowd on the concrete floor. As Kong followed her into the crowd, they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

They showed that during the break, Kong crushed ODB against the wall. ODB came back by taking a swig of a drink and spraying it in Kong's face. Sayed tripped ODB in the ring. Kong grabbed her from behind and chopped her. Kim went after Sayed at ringside. When she grabbd her, ODB hit Kim from behind, then whipped her hard into the security railing. Back in the ring, Kong clotheslined ODB. Kim grabbed Kong from behind. That distraction gave ODB a moment to recover. She punched Kong, then Kim hit Kong, then ODB hit her. Kong ducked eventually and tosed ODB to the mat. Kim held Kong. ODB charged, but Kong moved and ODB knocked Kim off the ring apron. Kong then gave ODB the implant buster for the win.

WINNER: Kong in 3:00.

STAR RATING: *

-ODB and Kim argued after the match. ODB shoved Kim twice, then patted her boobs. Kim shoved back. Velvet Sky and Angelina Love ran to the ring to try to keep them apart.

-Crystal held a mic as Peyton Banks told Booker that Roode wasn't coming this week. Booker said he's search all of Manhattan for him, and when he finds him he won't be responsible for what happens. Cornette walked up to Booker and said he can't be sitting out in the parking lot like a stalker or a serial killer. Booker said, "It's not your wife, is it?" Cornette said he's scaring his wrestlers into no-showing his TV show. He booked him to wrestle in the main event against Kurt Angle. He said he'd love to see him take out his frustrations on him.

[Commercial Break]

-Time for Kurt and Karen Angle to renew their vows. A preacher asked the fans to stand as he introduced the groom and his best man, A.J. Styles. The good news is there were only five minutes left in the show at this point, so how bad could it be? West said Styles's facial expressions were like someone stole his puppy. Next Karen, daughter Kim, and maid of honor Jeremy Borash came out. Borash was wearing a suit, not a dress. We can be thankful for that. So Cal Val got emotional watching from ringside. As Kurt and Karen renewed their vows. Angle made sure he was introduced as a 12-time world champion and Olympic Gold Medalist. The preacher said if anyone objected, they should speak now or forever hold their peace. Styles tried to get Karen to say no. Instead, Joe walked out with Nash and interrupted. "I object," he said. Joe said they hate him, but they couldn't sit back and watch him make that mistake "with that dime store gold-digging skank." Joe said he and Kev decided to beat him up and strip him of his dignity. Joe said, "It's real, damn real." Joe knocked Styles on top of Karen. Styles seemed content. Joe and Nash beat up Angle at ringside. They ripped off Angle's suit, stripping him down to boxer shorts with hearts on it. As Styles helped Karen to her feet, the preacher mistakely pronounced them man and wife. Styles leaned in for a kiss and had a huge smile. Kurt stood up and couldn't believe what he was seeing.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Nice little twist at the end of an otherwise unpleasant, horrible wrestling TV show. I just can't even put to words how bad this episode was once again on so many levels. It's painful to think about any longer, so I won't. They get a few cute ideas, build the show around those (some work, some don't), and then the rest is so undisciplined and inefficient and rushed and hodgepodge and illogical and unpleasant and heavy-handed and sloppy and frustrating.

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