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Where We've Been: Last month TNA limped into their PPV with what was essentially a two hour series of recaps. This month, perhaps as a mea culpa, they promise to go all out with in-ring action. Scheduled for tonight are matches between Kurt Angle and Christian Cage, Samoa Joe and Tomko, and Kevin Nash and The Phenomenal AJ Styles. The TNA website is billing this as a triple-main-event, and I would most definitely agree with that assessment. They've actually been giving away a lot of big matches lately with essentially no hype. One way to spin that is as cannibalizing their own PPVs, but I'm inclined to think that that get things precisely backward. The appeal of wrestling used to be that anything could happen on any given day. WWE has since taken to announcing returns from injuries and big showdowns weeks in advance (with the notable exception of John Cena's return), with the result that nothing is fun anymore. Yes you'll get a few more viewers next week if you say Austin will be there, but you'll suck in more viewers every week if there's always a chance Austin could show up. Big matches should work similarly—if there's always a chance that you could see Christian and Angle in a cage, you can't miss a show. My only objection is not that these matches are hyped too little, but that they're hyped too much. Take down the announcement on the website—how many people who check the site weren't planning to watch anyway? You might as well get some surprise value when the big match is booked in the course of the show.

The Show

Angle is telling his Alliance that if they win two out of three of their matches tonight, they'll have the advantage going into Destination X. AJ wants to know where Karen is, but Kurt doesn't want him to worry about it. AJ says that he's concerned because he tried to call and couldn't reach her, which sits none too well with Kurt. Kurt tells him to take his crown off, which AJ says he won't do because he got it from Karen. Tomko just tosses the thing off in disgust. AJ's match against Nash is apparently a Street Fight, and Kurt advises AJ to clip Nash's legs. Tomko's match against Joe is a First Blood Match, and Kurt will be going against Christian inside Six Sides of Steel. Kurt tries to rally the team behind an "Angle Alliance" cheer.

[Opening Credits]

Cornette is in the ring with Matt Morgan, and he runs down the matches for the crowd. He talks about the "advantage" the team that wins the majority of contests tonight would have on Sunday, but doesn't say what it amounts do. He also announces that Booker T vs. Robert Roode will have some "special" stipulation, which he brings Booker out to talk about. It's a Leather Strap Match, such that the woman in the corner of the loser has to take ten lashes from the woman in the corner of the winner. What do the women get from this? Before Booker can respond Roode comes out and says that unlike Booker, he doesn't want to put a woman in harm's way. That seems like a fair point—I'm not sure why he's the heel here. He says that the issue is between Booker and him, so there's no reason for Booker to "hide behind [his] skanks." Booker says that they don't have to wait, cause they can fight right now. They brawl some before security breaks it up. He didn't exactly respond to the point about the unnecessary woman lashing.

Crystal is in the back with the Unlikely Alliance, and she finally explains what the "advantage" is—the winner will start a man up. Joe says that later tonight Tomko's going to bleed. Christian says that while they're not friends, they all know how to "do business" and not to take no for an answer. That's why he and Nash are former world champions, and that's why Joe is a future world champion. Tonight he's going to get back at Kurt for screwing him twice out of the World Championship, and show him why people call him—alright, why he calls himself—"the champ." And if we didn't know, then now we know. Nash questions how he can follow Christian (who was legitimately awesome) and settles on asking AJ "What'cha gonna do when Nash and his 17 time surgically repaired knees come down on you?" as Joe and Christian strike the relevant bodybuilding poses.

[Commercial Break]

(1) Kevin Nash defeats AJ Styles

If they let this be a real match, it should be the best opening match on Impact in some time. Tenay clarifies the "advantage" further by saying that the losing team will have one person out for the first five minutes of the match. Is that such a big deal in a tag match? AJ goes after Nash to start, but Nash just brushes him off. AJ dives for a leg, but Nash sidesteps and punches him out of the ring. Nash chases him into the crowd, pounding him against the Destination X posters featuring Shelley and Sabin, neither of whom is presently on the card.

[Commercial Break]

AJ somehow has control back in the ring—we see that he took control with a Flying Forearm from the ledge of the upper deck. Nash slams AJ down to the mat and pounds him in the corner; he struggles a bit after a big knee. He goes for a Jacknife, but in an ugly spot buckles over and just sort of drops AJ. AJ hits a cool dropkick from the apron to Nash's kneecaps, but when he goes to follow up Nash catches him with a Choke Slam for the win. That was disappointing on several levels.

Crystal is in the back with Black Reign, who says that she stinks and that he likes torturing people like Eric Young who fear monsters. Black Reign is also mad at Kaz for dying his rat, and says that at Destination X he will eat his face. I can honestly say that that might be the strangest sentence I have ever typed.

[Commercial Break]

Crystal is in the back with "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal and SoCal Val, and she wants to know when the big date is going to be. He says that he's focusing on business first; he then goes on an incomprehensible rant wherein he says that tonight he's going to throw 29 people over the top rope, that Sunday he's going to beat Petey, and that next week cupid could strike. He walks off, and Val says that she's pretty sure she heard "next week" in there somewhere, so she's very excited.

Payton Banks and Traci Brooks are fighting in the back.

JB has found Eric Young hiding somewhere. He says that he tried to make the save last week, but when he sees those monsters Black Reign and Rellik—"which is killer spelled backwards"—he just freezes up. He asks JB what he should do, and JB reiterates Kaz's advice to pull something up from deep down. EY thinks that means that Reign is planning to give him a wedgie. JB explains that EY is supposed to pull something up from deep within himself, but Young can't figure out why he would want to give the wedgie to himself. Borash then explains that he's supposed to find his alter-ego within himself; Young isn't sure it's there.

[Commercial Break]

We recap Team 3D's struggles with the scale before they weigh in for this match. Neither of them made it. Ray channels his best spoiled child as he says that he doesn't want to be in their stupid battle royal anyway.

(2) Curry Man defeats Shark Boy, Eric Young, Black Reign, Rellik, Lance Hoyt, Jimmy Rave, Homicide, Hernandez, "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal, Sonjay Dutt, and Petey Williams.

The winner will get to pick a stipulation for his match at Destination X. Apparently the Motor City Machine Guns are on the card then. So are LAX. Cool. Sonjay kisses SoCal Val on his way to the ring as Steiner appears on the ramp. Shelly Back Body Drops Homicide onto the Apron and Sabin dropkicks him out. Shelly then stupidly goes to the apron to kick Rave in the back, so Hernandez just knocks him off. He tosses Sabin for good measure. Someone knocks him onto the apron, but when Petey tries to knock him off he clings to the ropes. Steiner pulls him off while the ref is distracted. Eric Young gets knocked out, but he starts to Skin the Cat, catching Petey's head with his legs. He tries to pull Petey over, but Steiner starts pulling him the other way. The ref eventually sees this and starts arguing with Steiner, but Petey is able to escape and dropkick Young out onto the floor anyway. Shark Boy & Curry Man team up to take Lance Hoyt out. Rellik Gorilla Presses Shark Boy out onto the floor. He and Black Reign double-team Curry Man, but Lethal takes out Reign from behind. Lethal tries to get Petey with a Lethal Combo, but it gets reversed into a Canadian Destroyer and then a toss out onto the floor. Petey comes back in with a Slingshot Codebreaker on Jimmy Rave, but when he tries to follow up Curry Man tosses him. Rellik goes for the Military Press on Rave, but Rave slips out and he and Curry Man double-team him. They get Rellik down and Rave turns on Curry Man, but CM gets him in the Spice Rack and tosses him to the floor. Rellik knocks Curry Man down from behind as the crowd comes alive for CM. He works him over before tossing him out of the ring, but Curry Man lands on Jimmy Rave; since both feet didn't touch the floor, he's able to reenter the ring. He catches Rellik with a Jawbreaker and clotheslines him out of the ring for the win. That was a fun little match.
After the match Curry Man asks for the mic. He says something in Japanese, of which all we could get was "Destination X", "Shark Boy", and "domo arigato". Shark Boy grabs the mic and says that no one can understand Curry Man's Chinese anyway. He says that if Team 3D lose or don't make wake weight, their careers will be over. He also says that if they do make weight it will be a Fish Market Street Fight, where he and Curry Man will whip Team 3D's basses. The crowd chants along as he announces that the fishing line, because Shark Boy said so.

JB is in the back with Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and Roxxi Leveaux. Love wants to apologize for mocking Roxxi's premonition last week, but even beautiful people make mistakes once. To make it up to her, they'll give her a free makeover next week, to make her one of the beautiful people too. Did I miss them turning heel?

[Commercial Break]

(3) Tomko defeats Samoa Joe

The lame thing about two-out-three-match series is that there's not really much mystery around who's going to win the second, unless of course you have Eddie Guerrero there to snap his elbow in half. I miss Eddie. Tomko for some reason rushes to the broadcast table, but Joe meets him there and bangs his head against the table. Joe grabs the bell hammer, but Tomko catches him in mid-swing. Tomko wrests the hammer away from him and swings, but Joe dodges and throws Tomko face first into the apron. That doesn't draw blood, so he throws his head into the steel steps. Tomko still isn't bleeding, and is able to Body Slam Joe onto the ramp. Tomko goes for a chair, but whiffs on the shot. Joe gets up and nails Tomko with a Pile Driver on the steel ramp—for those who are concerned, it looked like his head didn't actually come close to connecting. Joe rolls Tomko back into the ring, but Tomko has recovered enough to play a little possum—he catches Joe with a big clothesline. The crowd seems evenly split between Tomko and Joe, which is probably as it should be. Tomko cinches in a Chinlock, as he tries to bust open Joe's forehead with his fist. Joe powers out, but Tomko knocks him back down with a Big Boot. Tomko gets another chair, which he sets up in the corner. He tries to whip Joe into it, but Joe puts on the breaks and whips Tomko into it instead. Joe tosses him the chair and kicks it back into his face RVD style. Tomko gets up with the chair and swings for the fences, but Joe gets an arm up to block. Tomko whiffs on another attempt at the Big Boot and Joe locks in the Rear Naked Choke. Tomko taps, and the ref calls for the bell. I'm confused, but sure enough, he's right—Joe's arm is bleeding from the chair shot. That was probably one of the best five-minute matches I've ever seen.

They hype Elevation X.

[Commercial X]

TNA is playing a mosque in Springfield, MO. That's just awesome.

We have the debut of TNA's "Rough Cut." BG and Kip James explain how they begged to be a team because neither had anything else going. Kip says that he was the worker, and that BG relied on his mic skills, which he admitted he didn't have. BG says that they were always two totally different people.
That was, surprisingly, somewhat interesting. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.

JB is in the back with James Mitchell and Judas Mesias, and he wants to know if Mitchell knows where Abyss is. Mitchell tells the unwashed masses in the Impact Zone and the people watching the idiot box at home that we should never have doubted him, because he and Mesias did exactly what they said they were going to do. They made Abyss take off his mask and leave in shame, so now he can go join his mother in the loony bin. Regarding Rhino, or Wino, he should have listened to Mitchell and focused on indulgence and not compulsion. Mesias doesn't drink wine, or hooch, or bathtub gin; he only has a taste for blood, so he's going to drink some of Rhino's tonight. It's absolutely fascinating to watch Mitchell take such unmitigated garbage as lines and make them compelling.

Rhino comes to the ring, still carrying around the World Drinking Championship. He says the belt is a lot like Storm, a piece of crap. So he's going to do what he always does with crap—break it. He smashes the belt against a turnbuckle, and says that at Destination X that'll be Storm's skull when Rhino gets him with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

[Commercial Break]

(4) Rhino defeats Judas Mesias (w/James Mitchell)

They lock-up to start. Rhino gets the advantage and tosses Mesias from the ring. He follows him out and whips him into the barricade, but Mesias catches him coming in with a punch. Rhino retakes control and beats Mesias around the ring, whipping him into the barricade again. They go back into the ring, and Rhino charges Mesias in the corner only to eat a boot. Mesias starts pounding away, whipping Rhino into the corner and hitting a Russian Leg Sweep for two. He hits a Face Pound but misses a Splash off the top rope. GORE! GORE! GORE! It's over. That might be the first Judas Mesias match that did not overstay its welcome.
After the match James Storm ambushes Rhino with a Superkick, which is apparently called the Last Call. Wasn't that JBL's Fall-Away Slam? Storm reclaims what's left of the World Drinking Championship.

Crystal is in the back with Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed, who reads a statement from Kong to the effect that she is sorry for the forthcoming destruction of Selinas. She seeks peace until she's agitated, at which time she destroys everything in her path. She now addresses the swine, Gail Kim and ODB, who crossed her. A fatah has been issued, and now they will feel the wrath of Kong (yes, she actually uttered the phrase "wrath of Kong"). She starts yelling in probably-Arabic before being interrupted in Spanish. Homicide wants to know why Raisha is covered in bed sheets. Kong grabs him, but Hernandez gets between them. Security breaks things up.

[Commercial Break]

(5) Awesome Kong (w/Raisha Saeed) defeats Selinas

Kong misses the Spinning Back Fist and Selinas tries to kick out her legs. Kong just knocks her down and steps on her head. She picks her up and tosses her down to the mat. The she picks her back up and tosses her around by the hair. Selinas tries to battle back, but this time the Spinning Back Fist connects. One Awesome Bomb later it's over.

Crystal is in the back with Gail Kim and ODB. Kim says that Kong seems unstoppable and invincible, but that she knows she can be beat. They know Kong's weakness, because if she's taken off her feet she won't have any power. Crystal points out that even if they do get Kong off her feet, only one will be able to make the cover. Kim says that's fine, because the better wrestler will take it. ODB says that that's the answer she wanted to hear.

They run down (some of) the card for Destination X.

[Commercial Break]

(6) Christian Cage defeats Kurt Angle

We've got over 20 minutes left, so this could be something special. Christian gets a go-behind, but Angle takes him down with a Headlock Takedown. He works the Headlock, but Christian powers his way to his feet and walks to the ropes. Christian reverses an Irish Whip and hits a One Man Flapjack. He charges Angle in the corner but eats an elbow. Angle starts to climb, but Christian catches his leg. He comes back down and pounds Christian a bit, but when he tries to toss him into the cage Christian blocks. They jockey for position for a minute before Angle Power Bombs Christian into the cage.

[Commercial Break]

Angle is still in control and asks the ref to open the cage door, but Christian won't let him out. Angle hits a Suplex and tosses Christian into the cage a few times. He connects with a European Uppercut and slows things down with a Chin Lock. Christian powers out, but Angle gets him with a Double Leg Takedown and a Slingshot into the cage. Angle tries to follow up with an Olympic Slam, but it's reversed into a DDT. Christian is first to his feet and nails Kurt with an Inverted DDT. He goes to climb the cage, but Angle catches him and goes for a Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Christian fends him off with a bite and then hits a Frog Splash. When he goes to capitalize Angle reverses a whip into the cage. Angle goes for the Olympic Slam again, but this time it's reversed into an arm drag. Christian charges, but Angle sidesteps and Cage eats cage. Angle climbs, and he gets one leg to the outside of the cage before Christian pulls him back in. They fight on the rope, and Angle tries to get a German Suplex. Christian holds onto the cage and knocks Angle back. He goes to escape the cage himself, but Angle catches him with an Olympic Slam from the top rope. Angle goes for the door, but Christian crawls over and grabs the leg. He pulls Angle back into the ring but then Angle catches him with an Angle lock. Cage kicks him off and almost gets out the door before Angle catches his ankle. Angle pulls him back in. Christian fights him off, and so Angle goes for another Olympic Slam. Christian reverses him into an attempted Unprettier, but Angle shoots him off into the cage. Angle goes for a trio of German Suplexes, but Christian blocks the third and hits a Back Body Drop. Christian goes to climb out, but Angle catches him with an Angle Lock on the top rope. Christian flips down to the mat, taking Angle with him. He goes for the door, but Angle is up and sweeps his leg out. Christian's leg is caught in the rope, so Angle goes for the door, but Christian won't let him past. Angle climbs the opposite side of the cage. He pauses to celebrate, which gives Christian time to grab his singlet as he climbs down the other side. They fight on the outside of the cage, before both dropping to the floor. I'm about to be annoyed about the screw-job finish, when Earl Hebner raises Christian's arm and says that he hit first. Cool.
After the match, AJ and Tomko ambush Christian. They toss him back into the cage and then they chain the door. Christian eats an Olympic Slam, a Styles Clash, and a Slam from Tomko. Joe tries to climb in, but Tomko fights him off. Nash tries to break the chain with a hammer as Angle tries to break Christian's ankle inside the cage.

Where We're Going: Where we're going is obviously towards a big Angle-Joe showdown at Lockdown, with a minor bump of a tag match along the way. Tonight's show I thought went a long way towards making the tag match seem like a big deal, as they vied in three separate matches for just a minor advantage this Sunday. They do have a bit of a problem in that by virtue of his superior mic skills Christian keeps coming off as the leader of the Unlikely Alliance, which might take away from Joe's big moment in April. Of course they could just put Christian back into that match as well, and I doubt you'd get too many complaints from the fans. Christian has yet to take vengeance on either Tomko or AJ, so he has plenty of other stuff on his plate, but I really think he's earned a spot in the main event for at least one more month. Conversely, this week took the positive step of getting Karen Angle away from the main event, as I think she could be significantly more valuable in a much lower profile role. I'll try to get up a PPV preview with more details on where we should be headed.

Overall: There were no lame running sketches. Judas Mesias and Black Reign were both present, but only in short doses. Curry Man beat Rellik. We had three main-event matches, two of which, while perhaps not being as good as they could have been, were certainly a pleasure to watch. I could be wrong, but I think this could be the first time I've had to give an episode of Impact an unqualified A.

P.S. Happy Birthday Dad!


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