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By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
MARCH 14, 2008
TAPED IN CHICAGO, ILL.

-After the Smackdown opening, Michael Cole and Coach introduced the show and previewed the main event featuring Ric Flair & Shawn Michaels vs. Edge & "the, uh, Edge guys."

-Maria walked out onto the stage. She for some reason was impersonating Christy Hemme. She did a shout-out to Chicago twice, noting it was her hometown. She said she's excited to be in the first Bunny Mania Lumberjack match at WrestleMania 24. She said she would be hosting the Smackdown Diva Contest tonight. Out onto the stage came Eve Torres, Cherry, Maryse, Victoria, and Michelle McCool. Maria said unfortunately the diva with the fewest votes must be eliminated this week. Maryse was the surprise loser this week. My money was on Victoria. Coach said he thought she'd be one of the favorites. Maria then invited the women to move down the stage to begin an obstacle course. They had to cross balance beam, run through tires in the ring, and then hop in a potato sack as their respective entrance music played. They also had to balance a treat on their nose as WWE's scriptwriters told them to stay, just to put a period on the demeaning way they're treated in WWE's universe. At least this gave Coach something to talk about that he didn't have to fake his way through. Maria is not nearly as entertaining when being a deep-voiced, loud, confident MC compared to her bashful, ditzy, charming alter-ego.

-Backstage Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels hugged. Flair thanked Michaels for helping him out of a jam he got himself into. He said he's worried and stressed out that one of them will get hurt before WrestleMania. He said he doesn't want any less than the Showstopper himself at WrestleMania. Michaels said he had nothing to worry about (because he's not one of those super-muscular, but totally clean (!) wrestlers who go down with muscle tears constantly).

-This week's Smackdown text message question is: Who did Big Show say would be "bankrupt" at WrestleMania? (1) Mr. McMahon, (2) Money Mayweather, (3) Jamie Noble.

-This week's exclusive PWTorch Smackdown question is: What show do Smackdown watchers watch when they're watching Smackdown? (1) Hardball with Chris Matthews, (2) Top Chef, (3) Smackdown. If you think you know the answer, call WWE headquarters and let them know Monday morning how you love being treated like an idiot each and every Friday night.

[Commercial Break]

-A recap aired of the Big Show-Mayweather weigh-in on Raw.

1 -- THE BIG SHOW vs. SHANNON MOORE & JIMMY WANG YANG

Moore and Noble jumped Big Show at the start. Just when it looked like they might beat Big Show, one second into the match he swatted them both across the ring with his gigantic arms, smooshed them in the corner together, chopped them, tossed Wang across the ring by his head, then shoved his thumbs into Moore's mouth. Coach said both Moore and Wang are bigger than Mayweather. He tossed Moore upside down into the corner. Wang surprised Show with a moonsault press, but Show caught him and dropped him face-first over the top turnbuckle. Coach: "What's going to happen when Big Show does that to Floyd Mayweather?" Cole: "Simple. His career is going to be over." Show punched Moore and stood on his chest to capture the Cruiserweight Title. After the match, Show pressed and tossed Wang over the top rope to the floor.

WINNER: Big Show in 3:00.

-Cole plugged the Miz vs. John Morrison match for the final Money in the Bank slot later.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- THE MIZ vs. JOHN MORRISON - Money in the Bank Qualifier

Good, fast-paced start. Morrison settled into a half Boston crab. Miz reached the bottom rope to force a break. Coach scolded the wrestlers for pointing at the WrestleMania sign during the match. "You can point after you win," he said. Morrison surprised Miz with a Pele kick and followed up with a swinging neckbreaker for a surprise three count.

WINNER: Morrison in 5:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Good TV match. It certainly didn't overstay its welcome.

-Cole and Coach were shown on camera for the first time. They talked about the main event cage match scheduled for later. Then they threw to a clip of Raw with the latest twist and turns in the Finlay-JBL-Hornswoggle-Vince McMahon storyline.

-They went to an interview with Finlay backstage. Cole asked him about the latest on Hornswoggle. Finlay asked how he'd put his feelings into words if that happened to his son. His voice cracked as he said there's no way to explain what it's like to watch your son lie in a hospital bed for something he didn't do. He said Hornswoggle is getting better, "but he'll never be the same, and that's something I have to live with the rest of my life." He said the beating he'll give JBL is something you can't put into words.

-MVP's ring intro took place. Freeze-frames aired of MVP vs. Jamie Noble last Saturday at a house show, earning MVP a spot in the Money in the Bank ladder match.

[Commercial Break]

3 -- MVP vs. BATISTA - No Holds Barred U.S. Title match

Baista outpowered MVP in the opening minute as the fans chanted "Ba-ti-sta," so MVP bailed out and to ringside to a chorus of boos. MVP snapped his headband at Batista in the ring, then slid back in himself. At 3:00 Batista caught MVP mid-air at ringside and smashed him back-first into the ringside barrier. Back in the ring MVP took control after punching Batista with a chain. Then he choked him with the chain.

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

MVP stripped a middle turnbuckle of the pad. Batista blocked MVP's attempt to ram his head into it, then powerslammed MVP for a two count. He followed up with a spinebuster, then est up a Batista Bomb. MVP rolled out of the ring for a breather. Batista promptly followed. MVP grabbed a folding chair and jabbed Batista in the gut, then swung at him. Batista ducked and the chair hit the ringpost. Batista slammed MVP face-first into the announce table, then pounded away at his head, and then threw him into the ringpost. MVP fired back by ramming Batista into the ringpost. Batista reversed MVP face-first into the announce table at 8:00. MVP fired back with a running big boot at ringside.

[Commercial Break]

MVP picked up a chair, but Batista speared him before he could use it. Michael Cole then said, "That spear literally driving the champion out of his boots." [MEMO TO WRESTLING ANNOUNCERS: LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD "LITERALLY." YOU ARE LITERALLY MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF WHEN YOU CONSTANTLY SAY "LITERALLY" WHEN YOU ACTUALLY SHOULD SAY "FIGURATIVELY." PLEASE, VINCE MCMAHON, FINE ANNOUNCERS FOR USING THE WORLD "LITERALLY" INCORRECTLY. IT MUST COME TO AN END.] Batista threw a limp MVP back into the ring and made the cover. MVP kicked out at two-and-a-half. MVP caught a charging Batista with an extended boot. Batista immediately fired back with the same. Cole listed Ric Flair, Harley Race, Steve Austin, and Dusty Rhodes as former wrestlers who have defended the U.S. Title before. MVP reversed Batista into the ringside steps at 15:00, then planed his next move. He tore up the mat ringside (because the concrete under the mat is harder than the exposed area of concrete on the outside of the mat, apparently). Backstage backdropped MVP onto the exposed floor. Then he bashed MVP with a chair across the back and slide the chair into the ring and almost all the way through to the floor on the other side. Batista threw MVP into the ring and went for another pin. MVP kicked out. MVP came back again and rammed Batista head-first into that exposed middle turnbuckle. He jabbed Batista's back with a chair several times, then swung the chair at his skull. Batista blocked it. Batista threw MVP to the floor, but Umaga entered the ring and gave Batista a Samoan Spike at 17:00. The crowd booed. MVP crawled over to Batista and scored the three count.

WINNER: MVP in 17:00 to retain the U.S. Title.

STAR RATING: ***1/2 -- Good no-DQ match. There wasn't much long-term selling, but what it lacked in that area it made up for in dramatic twists and turns in momentum and good intensity throughout.

[Commercial Break]

-After recapping the finish of the MVP-Batista match, they threw to a video feature on Floyd Mayweather.

-Kane's ring intro took place.

[Commercial Break]

4 -- JAMIE NOBLE & KANE vs. CHUCK PALUMBO & THE GREAT KHALI

Palumbo went on early offense against Kane, but Kane absorbed a flurry of punches and kicks and chops and took Palumbo down with a sudden sideslam followed by a big boot. A eager Noble tagged in and hit a top rope crossbody, despite taped up sore ribs. Palumbo took over immediately with a clothesline. Palumbo tagged in Khali, who crushed Noble's chest with a chop. Khali lifted Noble by his head and slammed him to the mat for the win.

WINNERS: Khali & Palumbo in 2:00.

[Commercial Break]

-As the cage lowered around the ring, Cole and Coach discussed the latest Hall of Fame entrants and threw to a video of the Briscoes.

-Ric Flair's full ring intro took place, then Shawn Michaels came out. Cole said it was "an absolute treat" to have Michaels on Smackdown. Then came the Edge ring intro. Cole wondered why Vickie Guerrero would allow Flair to enter this match change it from three-on-one to three-on-two. A second later Teddy Long rolled Vickie Guerrero onto the stage. She announced that Chavo Guerrero was being added to the match. Cole said that explains why Vickie allowed Michaels to be added to the match.

5 -- EDGE & CURT HAWKINS & ZACH RYDER & CHAVO GUERRERO vs. RIC FLAIR & SHAWN MICHAELS

As soon as the match began, the cut to a break. Chavo wasn't even able to get into the cage as the door was being held shut by Michaels.

[Commercial Break]

Back from the break, Chavo climbed into the cage. That was weird. Why didn't the refs just open the door for Chavo since he was legally added to the match? Anyway, the ring was full of action as everyone was fighting at a rapid-fire pace with 15 minutes left in the show. Flair and Edge exchanged chops on the top rope. Flair knocked Edge to the mat. Flair dropped down and continued the chopfest on Edge. Soon, the four heels took control against the two babyfaces. Edge speared Flair at 5:00. Edge tied Michaels arms into the ropes, then beat on Flair four-on-one. Flair bled from his forehead, then was thrown like a battering ram into the cage head-first. At 10:00 Michaels finally broke free, but quickly was also overwhelmed by the odds. With Michaels hanging upside down in the corner, Edge speared him. Cole said Edge was getting a sick pleasure out of what he was doing. Cole called it a "glorified public assassination." Flair used a low-blow to break free of Edge, then knocked Hawkins and Ryder off the top rope for double-crotches on the top rope. Michaels bounced off the ropes and took Edge down with a flying clothesline. He followed with a reverse atomic drop on Chavo. Then he threw each of the heels into the side of the cage. He climbed to the top rope as the crowd rose. He hit Edge with a top rope elbow. He signaled for Sweet Chin Music by stomping the mat. Edge went for a spear on Michaels, but Michaels moved and Edge speared Chavo instead. Flair gave low blows to two heels, then Michaels and Flair each applied figure-fours mid-ring. Chavo climbed to the top rope and frog splashed Flair and Edge. All six men were down. The door to the cage was opened. Edge crawled toward it. Then the lights went out and Undertaker's bell sounded. When the lights came back on, Undertaker stood in the ring behind Edge. Edge didn't know where he was, but he had a bad feeling. He slowly turned around. Taker grabbed his throat. Hawkins and Ryder double-teamed Taker. Taker ducked their clothesline and gave them a double chokeslam. Edge, meanwhile, climbed the side of the cage to escape. Taker grabbed him. Chavo grabbed Taker. Taker threw Chavo into the side of the cage, then gave him a Tombstone. Edge reached the top of the cage and dropped down to win the match with Taker in pursuit.

WINNERS: Edge & Ryder & Hawkins & Chavo in 17:00.

STAR RATING: ***1/2 -- Good cage match. Non-stop action. Well-executed and crowd-pleasing interference from Taker, but the right finish with Edge just eking out a win.

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