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By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MARCH 13, 2008
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

-The show opened with concise video with dramatic music and phrases such as "an unconquerable will to win" and "victory will not be denied us." The title of the show is: "The End for Joe?" Then the regular Impact opening aired.

-Mike Tenay and Don West introduced the show. Then Jim Cornette in mid-ring announced the "double main event" for Lockdown. He said the World Title match was the most anticipated in memory - Samoa Joe challenging Kurt Angle in a cage. He said the other main event would be an eight-man tag match with a Lethal Lockdown format inside the cage with weapons available in the case. There was an obvious edit at this point, then he introduced the captains for that Lethal Lockdown match - Christian Cage and Tomko. Christian's full ring intro took place as Tenay touted that TNA would be debuting in the Boston area in Lowell, Mass. for Lockdown. Tomko came out next. This is good positioning of Tomko as a Team Captain, taking him out of the lackey role that he's been saddled with in TNA.

Cornette asked both to conduct themselves like professionals. He said he wanted to state the rules of the match in front of each of them so there's no misunderstanding. He said they have two weeks to assemble their teams before the rosters will be set. He said the teams will be announced in two weeks on the biggest edition of TNA Impact in their history. Christian said he didn't have any questions, but he does have something to say to Tomko. He said it's the first chance they've been face-to-face since Tomko cost him the World Championship. He asked him if being captain of Team Tomko has been everything he dreamed it would be. "You're still a lapdog, you're just not my lapdog anymore; you're Kurt Angle's," said Christian. He said he will always big a "big, jacked up, tattooed, bald-headed (bleep)." Tenay yelled out nerdily, "Yeohhhhah!" Tomko swung at Christian. Christian ducked and took Tomko to the mat. A.J. Styles jumped Christian from behind. That led to a two-on-one. Kevin Nash ran to the ring and made the save. He actually crawled through the ropes, not over the top rope. Styles and Tomko bailed out. The problem with this is there's no truly sympathetic character and no one to really hate, either. They're both cast in such shades of gray and often contradiction from week to week that it leads to apathy more than passion.

-They cut backstage Jeremy Borash catching Karen Angle walking in through the back door. He said she looks great and asked what her bombshell is. She said she appreciates all of the concern he's shown for her, but tonight she's going to address him after he wrestles his match.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay plugged Petey Williams vs. Curry Man later in a Lockdown qualifying match. We have no idea what a "Lockdown Qualifying Match" is at this point, though.

-Crystal interviewed Scott Steiner. He opened with, "Shut up, bimbo." Steiner remains the most underrated promo guy of recent years. His delivery is just great and he's totally believable and funny, without appearing to be trying at all to be funny (which is the best way to be funny). Rhaka Kahn and Petey were with him. Steiner said he owns both cases, one that grants him an X Division Title shot and another a World Title shot. He said he controls the landscape of TNA and the title picture. He told Petey to qualify for the Xscape qualifying match later and do his part. Petey said if they're going to be a team, he should share his X Division Title case with him. He asked him to imagine Steiner as the World Hvt. Champion and himself as the X Division Champion together. Steiner said, "I could do that, but why would I do that, Petey?" He said it depends on his performance tonight. He said he better step up because he doesn't want him initiating himself when he's in a bad mood.

-Tenay pointed out that Joel Anderson from "Survivor: Micronesia" was in attendance.

1 -- PETEY WILLIAMS (w/Rhaka Kahn) vs. CURRY MAN

Petey posed in front of Curry. Curry responded with a silly dance. At 3:00 Curry hit the High Sea crossbody block and made a cover, but Kahn distracted the ref. Petey then reverse sidekicked Curry. Curry shoved Petey into Kahn, then gave Petey a back suplex into a bridge for the pin.

WINNER: Curry Man in 3:00. This match was a backdrop for the announcers to frantically plug other things on the show, making it seem like there was fear every viewer would tune out if they talked about the match itself.

-Afterward, Steiner walked out with handcuffs. He wasn't happy with Petey losing. Petey walked up to Steiner, looking like he let him down. Scott cuffed his hands and put a black bag over his head. (This angle was originally planned for Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes, I think.)

-Borash sarcastically said it seems like he has everything under control. Cornette told him he flunked his American Idol tryout, so he better hang onto this job as it's his last shot at TV. Cornette addressed the camera and told Christian to go find a partner and he'll serve him up Styles & Tomko on a silver platter. Team 3D knocked and entered his office. "How does it feel to be the head pirate on a sinking ship," asked Brother Ray. Cornette told him to shoot himself. "Why don't you do us all a favor? Get a 357, put your mouth on the barrel, and end it for all of us." Seriously, that just doesn't belong on a wrestling show. It's not pleasant to have that picture drawn, and to the average viewer, it's just not "entertainment" to have someone say that to someone else with such graphic detail. Suggesting suicide, period, is just not a place a promo like this needs to go. Anyway, Cornette responded, "Got one with ya'." Ray: "I wish I did." Ugh. He said Team 3D does things straight up, so they're giving him a heads up that they can't stop the most legitimate tag team that walks the planet today. He said Cornette is a control freak, but he's got the Machine Guns running around making stips about them having to diet. Ray said, "How about this one? I'm a jobber with an identity crisis. I walk around dressed as a fish. I drink clam juice and I think I'm a bald-headed ass kicker." Oh, oh, he said "jobber!" TNA talks to me, the Internet Superfan! I feel so special. Seriously, leave that stuff out of these scripted promos. There's zero value to using insider terms. Zero. Only mark bookers think that technique, which had limited appeal back when it was "shocking" and "novel" ten years ago, still has any cache. He brought up reality stars running around backstage trying to steal their thunder. He said they're sick of it. He said if they see one Machine Gun tonight, "he's dead." He said if they see "the retarded guppy swimming upstream, he's dead." He said if they see "the guy with the crappy curry on his head dancing around like a moron, he's dead." And if there's any reality stars running around, they're dead, too. He told Cornette the only person who's not dead is washed-up managers of old tag team wrestlers. "Have a good day, Jim?" he concluded. Ray and Devon walked out. Cornette said he just wants a farm in Kansas to grow corn.

[Commercial Break]

-A video package aired on Samoa Joe chasing the TNA World Title.

-Joe walked to the ring in a suit. He said at Lockdown he'll get what he's wanted for years - a fair opportunity at the TNA Championship. He said he couldn't have been more wrong than he was about Kevin Nash. He thanked him for showing him the way. He also thanked the fans, stressing that without them, he wouldn't be where he was. He said people said his brand of wrestling wasn't meant for today scene, but the fans stood up and said it was. This was one of those promos where Tenay felt viewers needed to know his thoughts about every sentence Joe spoke, so he repeatedly interjected various superfluous endorsements of what he said. He said if he walks out of the ring without the title belt, "it's the last time you'll see me in an Impact ring." He said the people want a new heavyweight champion, and he's their champion. "My name is Samoa Joe, and I am pro wrestling. By god, trust me, I'm coming back with the belt," he closed. Tenay said the stakes couldn't possibly get any higher.

[Commercial Break]

-Christian approached Rhino about being his partner. Christian said he understands why he didn't return his voicemails, so he's going to take care of his business face-to-face like a man. Rhino threw aside a bench and said he doesn't care what he has to say.

2 -- RELLIK & BLACK REIGN vs. MOTOR CITY MACHINEGUNS

The heels dominated for a minute before they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Sabin had control of Rellik after the break. After knocking Shelly out of the ring, Rellik nailed Sabin with a lariat for a clean, decisive win.

WINNERS: Rellik & Reign in 6:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Not a lot aired, but it was fine. The finish is ridiculous. Any two jobbers could have accomplished exactly what Sabin & Shelly did - taking bumps and getting squashed by these two heels. Even more baffling is that TNA has no long-term plans for Rellik. They have their reasons, but TNA management is burning money by not using Shelly & Sabin better.

-Afterward, Reign called Eric Young to the ring. Super Eric came out wearing a cape and hood. He charged to the ring and went after both heels at once, knocking them out of the ring. That's channel-changing stupid.

-Borash talked Styles into walking into a locker room. Borash told him to trust him. He walked in on Karen Angle, who was happy to see him. They hugged. He said he was worried about her. Karen said she's been thinking about him, but she had to sort out a few things on her own. She said it wouldn't be fair to tell him before telling Kurt. She said trust her that everything will be okay. Karen walked away. Tomko walked in. He said she better not be on her mind again. He told him to get his head into the game and out of his ass. Tomko said he can tell he's not fine. He grabbed him and said he's tired of the schoolboy crush he has on her.

3 -- KAZ vs. KURT ANGLE

Tenay really talked up this match, saying the last time these two fought they had the kind of match where you remember every detail because it was so good. Angle controlled early and settled into a chinlock. Tenay and West talked about Karen's announcement and Joe vowing to win the title or leave TNA. Angle went into a back suplex series.

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

Kaz made a comeback at 2:00 leading to a near fall after three clotheslines and sling-shot DDT. Angle took a lot of flatback bumps in that sequence, so he must be confident in his neck or numb to any pain. Angle came right back with an Olympic slam attempt, but Kaz escaped and armdragged him and front power thrust kicked Angle for a near fall. Angle slipped on an anklelock. Kaz powered out immediately and scored another near fall after his Wave of the Future. The very near falls continued. Angle applied a mid-ring anklelock out of nowhere. Kaz reached for the bottom rope and held on as long as he could, but then tapped out.

WINNER: Angle in 6:00.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Really good short TV match.

-Angle grabbed the mic and addressed Joe from mid-ring. He said he is prepared to face him at Lockdown. He said Joe better be prepared. He told Joe to take his "fat ass back home and train your ass off." He said he'll need to be at his best. Karen Angle then walked out with a mic in hand. Karen got right to it and said she wanted to separate. At first he appeared potentially distraught, but it turned out he was coming to the realization that it'd be great for him. "Did you think of that? That's awesome. Now I can completely put all of my thoughts on actions on Samoa Joe and not have to put up with your high maintenance. Of course, after Lockdown we can sit down and talk. Do I have to sign any papers? And you'll take care of the kids, right? No distractions. Karen laughed to stop from crying, then left the ring shaking her head. West said Kurt's reaction was surreal. Tenay said no one can ever question how serious he is about the World Title.

[Commercial Break]

-The next Rough Cut with B.G. James and Kip James aired. B.G. said he got fired by "that other company" for drug use. He said he was at a "faith-based" drug rehab company when Jeff Jarrett called him and offered him a job. Kip said he joined TNA because "I had enough in New York being released out there." He said TNA made him an offer and he couldn't turn it down. "Plus, Brian was there!" B.G. said he was torn because he, Konnan, and Ron Killings were having fun and he knew there would be certain expectations when they put he and Kip together. He said it was a tough act to follow what they had done before. He said it caused a ruckus between he and 3LK on and off camera. He said there was pressure to do it again. Kip said the bond was there and not there at once. Kip said he wanted it so bad again that he ignored the signs of B.G. maybe not wanting it as bad. He said it was forced on them, and had it not been, maybe their relationship wouldn't be the way it is now.

-Christy Hemme, Jimmy Rave, and Lance Hoyt cut a promo with Crystal in the background. They did their bad rock band act.

-Joel Zumaya and Curtis Granderson from the Detroit Tigers were shown sitting in the crowd.

4 -- ROCK 'N' RAVE INFECTION (Jimmy Rave & Lance Hoyt & Christy Hemme) vs. LAX (Homicide & Hernandez & Selinas)

West said LAX had gotten soft and they've decided to go back to their thug ways. A minute into the match, they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Homicide suplexed Rave onto his head after the break. Homicide then tossed him across the ring. Hoyt broke up a pin attempt. Hernandez backdropped Hoyt over the top rope to the floor. Homicide surprised Rave with a Gringos Stunner followed by a Gringos Killer attempt. Rave slipped out and tagged in Christy. Selinas tagged herself in. Homicide flipped onto Rave on the floor. As Salinas turned her back, Christy hit her with a guitar for the win.

WINNERS: Infection in 6:00.

STAR RATING: *

-They went to a video clip of So Cal Val out on her first date with Black Machismo at Universal Studios. Sonjay Dutt surprised them and then showed So Cal Val off to a secret spot. Machismo was left behind.

-Backstage, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky tried to give Roxxi Laveaux a makeover. Roxxi didn't like it. It wasn't a "Breakfast Club" happy ending moment. Instead, after Roxxi protested the make-up, Love and Sky beat her up, knocked her down, and smeared make-up all over her while laughing and calling her a freak.

[Commercial Break]

-Borash interviewed Kim, saying he thinks she's been moved to the back burner. She said she won't stop until she gets the TNA Knockout Title back. She said Awesome Kong better come find her because if not, she won't know what hit her.

5 -- GAIL KIM vs. VELVET SKY (w/Angelina Love)

Tenay said they'd have an update after this match on who Christian's partner would be in the TV main event. After a clean win by Kim, Love entered the ring and got in Kim's face.

WINNER: Kim in 4:00.

STAR RATING: *

-A two-on-one attack by the heels followed, but Kim ended up slipping out of the ring before too much damage was done. Awesome Kong, though, came out from the back and clotheslined Kim from behind at ringside. Kong set up an Awesome Bomb, but Kim escaped and gave Kong a double-knee to the face followed by a spear. Saeed watched from a corner of the ring, then hit Kim from behind with the Knockouts Title belt. Kong clotheslined Kim to the mat as the fans chanted for ODB. ODB finally did make the save with a chair in hand.

-Crystal interviewed Christian backstage. She asked who his partner was going to be since his attempt to get Rhino didn't work out. Kevin Nash walked into the picture and said he wanted to know, too. He asked if he didn't do everything asked of him. He didn't like that Rhino was above him on the list. He offered to team with him. Christian said, "Big Kev, where have you been all my life?" They did a little Clique hand tap.

[Commercial Break]

6 -- CHRISTIAN CAGE & KEVIN NASH vs. TOMKO & A.J. STYLES

Christian and Nash jump-started the match at ringside as Styles and Tomko walked out. Christian threw Styles into the ring to start the match. Styles leapfrogged Christian, but Christian followed with a powerbomb for an early two count. Styles tagged Tomko in at 1:00. Tomko powerslammed Christian. Styles tagged back in and stomped Christian. Kurt Angle walked to ringside as they cut to a break at 2:00.

[Commercial Break]

They showed that during the break, Angle grabbed Christian's leg from ringside. Cornette walked out and ordered Angle to the back, escorted by security. Styles and Tomko dominated Christian from there. At 7:00 Christian kicked Tomko and then hit a Tornado DDT. Nash finally got a hot-tag and worked over both Styles and Tomko with punches. Styles jumped onto Nash's back, but Nash turned it into a sideslam for a two count. Tomko broke up the pin attempt. Nash backdropped Styles, then tagged Christian back in. Nash gave Styles a Jackknife, then Christian hit a frog splash. Tomko yanked the ref out of the ring mid-count. Team 3D then ran out and jumped Nash and Christian, prompting a DQ. Tenay wondered if Team 3D has made a deal with Tomko for Lockdown's tag match. Nash came back with a clothesline of both Team 3D members. Nash set up Devon for a Jackknife, but Tomko broke it up with a kick to the face. Styles slid a chair into the ring. Tomko and Styles double-teamed Christian to the mat with a slam. Tomko and Styles held Nash down as Devon smashed a chair held by Ray onto Nash's knee two times. Nash clutched at his injured knee as Christian dove on top of him to protect him. They placed a chair over Christian's throat, but security intervened in time to break it. Cornette ordered them to stop. Tenay again wondered if Team 3D have made a deal with Tomko. Cornette checked on the fallen Christian and Nash. Team 3D again got in Joel Anderson's face at ringside. They jawed with him, then yanked him over the railing and beat on him at ringside. Ray hit him with a chair as Tomko and Styles watched from a distance and laughed.

WINNERS: Nash & Christian in 9:00.

STAR RATING: ** -- Well played out match with a strong post-match angle. There were strong lines drawn between the babyfaces and heels and a hardcore heelish post-match attack by Team 3D of Nash, Christian, and Joel Anderson.

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