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KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
MARCH 21, 2008
AIRED ON THE CW
-After the Smackdown opening, they showed footage from the latest WWE videogame release. Then Batista's full ring entrance took place as Michael Cole and Coach introduced the show. A clip aired of Umaga attacking Batista last week as he was wrestling MVP.
1 -- BATISTA vs. DEUCE & DOMINO (w/Cherry)
WINNER: Batista in 2:00. Total squash. There's a reason TNT and ESPN don't spend time airing games between teams with 12-45 records; people don't like to watch losers. So why does WWE think viewers are going to be interested in watching Deuce & Domino's next "competitive" tag match fill five or ten minutes of TV time?
-Backstage, Maryse approached Cherry. She said she just watched her me get their butts kicked. Maryse said she's so much better looking. "You're not a diva, you're a dog," said Maryse. Cherry looked hurt.
-Cole plugged Chavo Guerrero vs. Undertaker as the main event.
[Commercial Break]
-Assistant G.M. Teddy Long stood mid-ring and proudly introduced the Smackdown Diva Competition. When Eve walked out, Cole noted she's a "Rubix Cube genius" because she can solve it in five minutes. Cherry came out in a full body leather suit like Olivia Newton John on "Grease," explained Cole. Victoria was out third. Coach said she loves motorcycles and just loves riding. Michelle McCool came out fourth. Cole said in his opinion she won the bikini contest four months ago. Long said tonight they'd have a (meaningless) bikini contest. Victoria began against Eve. Victoria teased she was losing, only to snap Eve's arm over to win. Coach asked, "What was that?" Michelle and Cherry went next. Michelle won despite Victoria cheering on Cherry and saying Michelle "has no muscle-tone." Coach said, "There's really nothing Michelle can't do." It came down to Michelle vs. Victoria. Michelle won after 20 seconds of screaming by Victoria during the battle. Long then said it was time to announce which diva was eliminated based on fan text voting. He announced it was Victoria. She threw a fit and demanded a recount as the other three divas celebrated. Long encouraged more text voting. Victoria tackled Michelle. Cole said she was doing her best Al Gore imitation and asking for a recount. Michelle knocked Victoria out of the ring.
-A commercial aired for WrestleMania.
[Commercial Break]
-The video aired portraying Floyd Mayweather in positive light at first, with him talking about overcoming odds to become a successful boxer. It ended with him bragging about money and money and money, so it kind of turned him heel again by the end. Just like this entire storyline, even the self-contained videos send contradictory messages.
-A video feature aired on the Big Show-Floyd Mayweather weigh-in.
-A replay aired of Chris Jericho being punched by Big Show last week. A "Mobile Exclusive" interview aired with Jericho icing his forehead and looking into the camera telling Mayweather he's bitten off more than he can chew.
2 -- CHASE STEVENS & ANDY DOUGLAS & LUKE HAWX vs. THE BIG SHOW
WINNER: Big Show in 1:00 when he pinned Stevens after a KO punch. Coach said he's seriously worried about the well-being of Mayweather.
[Commercial Break]
3 -- EDGE (w/Zach Ryder, Curt Hawkins) vs. FUNAKI
Edge laughed as Funaki made his way to the ring. Funaki wore a WrestleMania t-shirt. Coach said if World Champion Edge beats Undertaker and ends his WM streak, it'll be one of the biggest wins of Edge's career and one of the biggest match outcomes in WWE history. Funaki made two brief flurries, both easily cut off by Edge. Edge had Funaki pinned after a spear, but he lifted his shoulder and gave him a Tombstone for the win.
WINNER: Edge in 5:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Fine match in terms of showing off Edge being a jerk by messing around with Funaki and dragging out the win.
-After the match Edge bragged that he has never lose to Undertaker. He said tonight he steps up a whole new level and by the end of the night everyone will realize what he's capable of. Coach wondered what he meant by that. Good hook for viewers to stay tuned.
[Commercial Break]
-MVP introduced the VIP Lounge, "which is for people better than you." He pointed to a briefcase hanging above the ring. He said some would say his guest invented the Money in the Bank match, Chris Jericho. He said before Jericho walked out, he had a few things to say. He talked about the ladder in mid-ring. He said that symbolizes his career. He bragged about negotiating the biggest contract in Smackdown history. He also touted that he's in the midst of the longest U.S. Title reign in WWE history. He ran down the list of wrestlers he's defeated including Batista, Ric Flair, Kane, and Rey Mysterio. He said they're all former World Champions. He said he'll win at WrestleMania. He ran down the list of everyone in the match and said he's better than each of them. When he got to Jericho's name, Jericho's music interrupted. Cole said it's the first time in six years that Jericho has been on Smackdown. A "Y2J" chant started. Jericho said he hates to interrupt, but he couldn't let MVP bore the Jerichoholics anymore. He said he's so excited to be back on Smackdown. He said there's nothing he likes less than a "loudmouthed, braggart, blow-hard, buffoon, rambling man with his own talk show." But enough on Rush Limbaugh! (Rim-shot.) MVP spoke up and talked about Jericho's credentials and all of his catch-phrases and finally noted he was knocked out by Big Show on Raw. As MVP bragged about being the highest-paid entertainer, Jericho interrupted and called him overpaid and overrated.
Jericho said he had an advantage being named Montel Vantavious Porter, thus MVP. He said imagine if he was Zachary Ignatius Taylor (ZIT) OR Luther Octavious Samson Ernest Rogers (LOSER). Three fans chanted "Loser, Loser." More began chanting "Y2J." Jericho said even worse would be Jeremiah Antonio Cleavon Kelsey Albert Smith Schwartz (JACKASS). MVP said, "Oh, you come out here with the ha ha. You've got jokes. All you do is run your mouth. Jericho is here to save us. Save us from what? You couldn't save yourself from JBL. You couldn't save yourself from Randy Orton. And you damn sure couldn't save yourself from that overhand right from the Big Show that knocked you out." Heels keep making these convincing cases against Jericho's impact since his return and taking digs at his catch phrases that seem to ring true. Heels aren't supposed to tell the truth or score this many points on babyfaces - which Jericho is apparently today. MVP climbed the ladder to demonstrate what he'd do at WrestleMania. Jericho tipped him over. MVP took a big bump.
WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR
[Commercial Break]
3 -- CHUCK PALUMBO vs. KANE
Coach said his favorite WM match might be the battle royal because the winner gets his reward right away with a shot at the ECW Title. Palumbo worked over Kane for a few minutes early with armbars. Kane made a comeback, so Palumbo bailed out to ringside for a breather. Kane pursued him. At 5:00 Kane clotheslined Palumbo over the top rope to the floor at which point they cut to a commercial.
[Commercial Break]
After the break, Kane and Palumbo collided and fell to the mat. The Great Khali came out and chopped Kane's head and gave the "Khali bomb" (choke-throw) to Palumbo. Mark Henry came out and confronted Khali. He blocked a Khali chop and then poweslammed Khali. He followed with a corner splash by Palumbo and a powerslam on Kane.
WINNER: No contest in 9:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Decent way to promote the battle royal by creating some tension and conflict between four of the bigger favorites
-Cole and Coach were shown on camera introducing the latest Hall of Fame plug.
[Commercial Break]
4 -- JOHN MORRISON & THE MIZ vs. JESSE & FESTUS
Festus began the match after the bell ring transformed him into fighting mode. A few minutes into the match Morrison almost mistakenly ran into Festus in the corner; he yelled in fright and recoiled, then went to his corner to tag in Miz. Festus got restless on the ring apron as the heels concentrated on Jesse. At 6:00, after quite the build-up, Jesse hot-tagged Festus just as Miz also tagged in. Festus eventually fell to the floor when during four-way action Morrison yanked the top rope down. Miz then finished Jesse with the Reality Check finisher for the win.
WINNERS: Miz & Morrison in 7:00.
STAR RATING: *3/4 -- Solid TV tag match.
-Cole said he just received word from Vickie Guerrero that Chris Jericho vs. MVP has been signed for next week - IC Champ vs. U.S. Champ - in their first match ever against each other. That's an intriguing match. It's also a match that benefits from being announced a week ahead of time, having an interview segment to build it up, and having the announcers treat it as a big deal, backed by a video package hyping it. So often matches of that caliber are defined down by just being thrown out there (such as Vince McMahon vs. Ric Flair on Raw earlier in the week).
[Commercial Break]
-The Raw Rebound aired. Cole and Coach then previewed the WrestleMania line-up.
-Chavo Guerrero walked to the ring with Edge, Hawkins, and Ryder by his side. Cole said things don't look good for the Undertaker.
[Commercial Break]
5 -- CHAVO GUERRERO (w/Edge, Hawkins, Ryder) vs. UNDERTAKER
Cole talked about how at WrestleMania, Edge will have to stand in the ring and watch Undertaker's ring entrance span the entire length of the football field at the Citrus Bowl. Taker dominated the opening several minutes including a top rope walk and forearm. At ringside at 3:00 Taker turned to Edge and his Edgeheads. Chavo slidekicked Taker from behind and took control of the battle at ringside and eventually in the ring. He scored a two count. He went for a submission arm hold. Taker eventually stood up and lifted Chavo with him, then slammed Chavo to the mat at 4:00. Taker chokeslammed Chavo and then applied his new submission finisher. Chavo tapped out.
WINNER: Taker in 5:00.
STAR RATING: *1/24
-Afterward, Edge, Hawkins, and Ryder jumped into the ring and attacked Taker. Taker fended them all off and sent up a chokeslam on Hawkins and Ryder, but Edge speared Taker. Hawkins and Ryder slide chairs into the ring. Edge jabbed Taker in the gut. Hawkins and Ryder did the same repeatedly to his legs and abdomen. Cole said it was like a pack of wolves picking at Taker's carcass. Edge made a scary face and swung the chair and nailed Taker in the head as Taker protected himself a bit with his hands and arms; still a big thud noise resulted. Edge then placed Taker's head on a chair flat on the mat, then he stood over Taker with another chair and yelled something about ending his streak, then smashed him with the chair. "It's over this year!" he yelled over Taker's body on the mat. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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