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By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S WWE SMACKDOWN REPORT
APRIL 11, 2008
AIRED ON THE CW

-Michael Cole introduced Smackdown as "network television's hottest show." Is that even legal on broadcast TV to lie that blatantly. Cole and Coach promoted Undertaker vs. Festus as the main event.

-The Great Khali stood mid-ring with people from his native country including people dancing and wearing formal garb. The Big Show was invited to come to the ring for a Punjabi Peace Offering ceremony. Show complied. They gave show a jar of what looked like urine for Show to drink from. He actually did take a sip, then made an icky face. They also presented him with a chicken to lay many eggs and a goat to provide him with milk. Just when it seemed as if Show was touched by the gestures, he punched Khali and knocked him out cold. It actually came across as if Show was a jerk as Khali really didn't do anything to prompt such actions by Show.

1 -- MIZ & JOHN MORRISON vs. JIMMY WANG YANG & SHANNON MOORE

WINNERS: Miz & Morrison in 8:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2

-They showed Teddy Long solemnly standing by Edge and Vickie Guerrero as they got massages. Edge thanked Vickie for the suggestion to get massages rather than show up at Smackdown.

[Commercial Break]

2 -- FINLAY (w/Hornswoggle) vs. MATT STRIKER

Coach said he might bring Hornswoggle on his next date. I didn't catch the context, so I'll just let you imagine where he was going with that. Hornswoggle sprayed Striker with a squirt gun. Cole had to feign uproarious laughter and guffaw, "Ahhh! Squirt gun!" The wit and wisdom of Coach continues: "Give Finlay an inch, he'll take a mile." A few minutes later Hornswoggle threw a bucket of confetti at Striker at ringside. Striker said, "Get out of here Sky Low Lo." Finlay then threw a bucket of actual water at Striker. Cole said, "Striker, all washed up. Ha ha ha ha." I feel so sorry for Cole now, although he's paid handsomely, so I don't feel too sorry for him. Hornswoggle hit Striker with an inflatable mallet from behind. Finlay then KO'd a distracted Striker with a real shillelagh to win. In one of the most insulting moments in pro wrestling announcer history, Cole actually explicitly explained how Striker didn't think Finlay had water in the bucket because Hornswoggle's bucket had confetti in it. Thanks, Michael. Even the seven year olds that sequence was aimed at got it without the explanation.

WINNER: Finlay in 5:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4* -- If this is a sign of the new kids-era WWE, this is going to try the patience of a lot of viewers. The thing about pro wrestling that appeals to kids is the sense that they're watching some aimed at adults. If you do this slapstick crap, they're going to groan and turn the channel because kids-targeted programming hits a very specific small slice of the kids demo before they feel they've outgrown it.

[Commercial Break]

-Victoria walked out with Natalya Neidhart. She introduced her and asked, "The name ring a bell?" Then Victoria threw to a video of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, her father. She said the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She said, "When you mess with the best, you down with the rest. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, baby." She was trying to impersonate her dad, but they needed to air Anvil saying that because without that context, it was a really silly sounded debut promo.

3 -- VICTORIA (w/Natalya) vs. MICHELLE MCCOOL

Natalya threw a jacket at McCool, distracting her, leading to Victoria getting the win. Cole let us know, "It's tough to concentrate when someone throws a jacket at you when you're trying to execute an offensive move." Thanks, Michael.

WINNER: Victoria in 1:00.

[Commercial Break]

-Cole stood mid-ring. He looked less bloated this week than usual lately when standing in the ring. He threw to a video package on Shawn Michaels and Batista. Cole the introduced his interview guest, Batista, who made his full ring intro. Then Michaels came out, too. Batista said, "I don't think we need an interviewer or talk show host or anything else. Let's keep it between me and you." Cole left the ring. Michaels said everybody's moved on regarding the Flair situation and is okay with it. He said Flair hugged him in the ring and has closure. He said, "Everybody's moved on, Dave. Everybody that is except you." He said this isn't about what happened at WrestleMania, it's a problem he has with him. Batista smiled and took off his sunglasses. Batista said he's right, it's not all about Ric. He said what happened at WrestleMania opened his eyes. He said he's the same old Shawn Michaels and hasn't changed a it. He said the blood on his hands won't wash of. He said he respects everything he's accomplished in his career, but he doesn't respect that he walked over people, held people back, and stabbed people in the back.

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

Batista said he isn't claiming to be a saint, but at least he was man enough to look people right in the eye and tell them what was coming. Michaels yelled that at 6-5, 280 pounds he didn't have that luxury. "At six-foot, 200 pounds maybe, I didn't have the same luxury." He said that meant sacrificing his body or even taking a shortcut, he took it. "Just so I can set your mind at ease, let me man up to you right now," he said. "At Backlash, I'm going to knock your teeth down your throat." He dropped the mic. He turned to walk away, but then moved in for a superkick. Batista blocked it and went for a Batista Bomb. Michaels slipped out and rolled out of the ring. Batista stood there nodding and smiling. Michaels looked on and nodded back. Coach said it'll be a great match between two megastars at Backlash. Cole said the fight is about what these two stand for.

[Commercial Break]

4 -- VLADIMIR KOZLOV vs. MATT LOGAN

Kozlov brushed of Logan's early offense and then headbutted his chest and tossed him hard to the mat. Logan caught him charging with two boots, but then flew into his arms and right into a reverse DDT for the win. Cole said Kozlov is "all about intensity."

WINNER: Kozlov in 1:00.

-They went back to Edge and Vickie Guerrero at the spa. They had cucumbers over their eyes and reminisced about the best part of their messages. Teddy Long showed up with drinks for them. They passed of their used cucumber slices to Long. He made an icky face. Edge told Vickie he's opened his eyes to the value of massages and matching pedicures. Long scoffed at Edge getting soft. They showed another camera angle of Edge getting his toenails done in Strawberry Fields Forever red polish to match Vickie's.

[Commercial Break]

5 -- MVP vs. CHUCK PALUMBO

During his ring intro, Cole compared MVP to Randy Moss of Boston, where this was taped. MVP said Cole & JBL were once ranked the sixth best announce team of all time, but as soon as Coach showed up, they've become the worst announce team ever. Cole totally no-sold it. It's got to be tough for Hardy to wrestle more than five minutes because that means he's away from his MySpace page and cell phone text messages from his fans during that whole time. MVP said Matt Hardy cost Matt Hardy five months of his career. MVP said Palumbo is "a monster and a bruiser." Cole asked MVP if he can beat Matt Hardy. When MVP bragged about beating Hardy last summer to win the U.S. TItle, Cole said: "Just like a ruler at the end of his reign, it sounds like you're looking back at the anals of history to support your claim." Coach said, "Can I ask a question?" MVP said, "No you cannot." MVP is awesome. They cut to a break at 4:00 after a brief brawl at ringside.

[Commercial Break]

Palumbo was in control after the break. Hardy came back with a Side Effect at 9:00 for a two count. Palumbo gave Hardy an overhead drop slam. Hardy slipped out of Palumbo's next attempt at offense and gave him a Twist of Fate for the win. MVP left the announce table and stared down Hardy as he walked away.

WINNER: Hardy in 12:00.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- Solid match. MVP was entertaining on commentary. I would never wish for a wrestler to get injured and have to retire to announcing, but if MVP couldn't wrestle anytime soon, he's got a future in commentary. Although he'd have to shift from bragging up himself to getting over the product, but JBL was able to do it. MVP knows enough about wrestling and is enough of a fan going way back that he wouldn't have to fake it or catch up.

-Eve knocked the locker room door of Eve and Festus.

[Commercial Break]

-Eve interviewed Festus and Jesse in their locker room. She asked Jesse how he feels going into this high profile match. He was almost at a loss for words. He said he's never seen Festus like he is now. "Frankly, I just hope he's prepared. He said he's been trying to talk to him all week to see if he's focused, but he's a little nervous. This is the biggest match of his career. That is the face of a man who is about to toe-to-toe with the Undertaker." Festus stood there the whole time not linking or moving.

-Cole said you have to feel for Jesse and wondered if Festus has any idea what he's getting into with Undertaker. Coach thanked Kid Rock for the official theme song for "Backlash," titled "All Summer Long." They ran down the entire line-up for Backlash at this point: Edge vs. Undertaker, John Cena vs. Triple H vs. JBL vs. Randy Orton, Big Show vs. The Great Khali, and Batista vs. Shawn Michaels. Cole called Batista-Michaels, "The most personal battle we've ever seen."

-The ring intro took place for Undertaker.

[Commercial Break]

-They showed Edge and Vickie lying in bed together. Edge pulled out the whipped cream and sprayed it on Vickie and into her mouth. He pulled out a bowl of strawberries and whip cream. He turned off the lights and said her lips are so sweet, "or are those the strawberries." Long turned the lights on and said this was asking too much of him and he's out of there. Vickie said Teddy ruins everything. Edge said he'd get her back in the mood and turned the lights out again.

6 -- FESTUS (w/Jesse) vs. UNDERTAKER

The bell rang and Festus went into his transformation. Taker battered Festus at the bell. Cole wondered if Festus has any idea the legend he's in the ring with. Coach astutely suggested it might help Festus if he doesn't comprehend the magnitude of this match. Festus took over at 2:00 and forearmed and kicked Taker. Cole asked Coach what he calls him. Coach didn't reply at first, then finally chimed in and called him a Cornfed Colossus. Coach apologized for brain freeze. They fought to ringside at 5:00. Taker reverse whipped Festus into the ringside steps. Coach said he doesn't think Taker underestimated Festus. They rolled into the ring and went into an MMA-like sequence with punches on the mat and Taker going into a guard on his back briefly. Taker DDT'd Festus off a rope rebound leading to a near two count. At 9:00 Taker hit a chokeslam, but Festus draped his leg over the bottom rope to break up the pin. He rolled to ringside. Jesse checked on him. Taker chased Jesse away at ringside. Well, he looked at Jesse and Jesse ran; it wasn't really a chase. Back in the ring, Festus took over on Taker again. Cole said, "The World Champion is startled and stunned." Festus charged Taker in the corner, but Taker moved and ref Charles Robinson went down. Festus took over on Taker. Taker, though, sat up as Jesse gave Festus a pep talk. Taker then locked Festus in his MMA-style submission hold without an official name. Taker rolled back and forth to avoid his shoulders being down for a three count, although the ref was still out. A second ref ran out and called for the bell. Jesse ran in and tried to wake up his cousin. Cole said that's the longest anyone's been in that devastating hold, but Festus didn't know to tap out to save himself. He said Festus could suffer after-effects. They seemed to be setting it up as a transformative moment for Festus, where he'll come to as a different type of character, which would explain the booking of this odd match-up.

WINNER: Undertaker in 10:00 via decision.

STAR RATING: *3/4 -- The match was fine for a big-man match. Taker looked strong, but not dominant. Festus looked like he held his own and wasn't just fodder for Taker. It was handled well, and I sense the finish is leading to a new version of Festus in a week or two.

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