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CALDWELL'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 4/17: Ongoing coverage of Spike TV show
Apr 17, 2008 - 10:00:32 PM |
By James Caldwell, Torch columnist
TNA Impact on Spike TV
April 17, 2008
Taped Apr. 15 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist
Opening: They started with a recap of Lockdown, focusing on Samoa Joe's TNA Title victory. "The Revenge of Lockdown" is tonight's theme.
Impact Zone: Mike Tenay plugged the three title matches tonight. Samoa Joe then came out on stage in a nice suit with the TNA Title belt around his shoulder. After Don West finished plugging the Lockdown replay, Joe took the mic and said tonight, "We are the champion." Joe said he put everything on the line Sunday night and put over Kurt Angle for being one of the baddest men he's ever been in the ring with. Joe said the difference between them, though, is that when he looked into the eyes of the TNA fans, he knew one thing: there was no surrender. There was no quit. And he would be the new TNA World champion. The People's champion said this first TNA title run is dedicated to the TNA fans. He held up the belt to the camera and addressed the fans at home that this belt will be defended with honor and by the sweat of his brow and blood of his fist. Joe said, "It's real, America. It's damn real."
After Joe used Angle's phrase, Scott Steiner's music interrupted. Joe wiped sweat off his brow while Steiner, Petey, and Steiner's freak walked to the ring. Steiner said he hates to break up the love fest with the fans, but he's here to talk about Sacrifice. He said Petey sacrificed everything going through his initiation to gain his respect. So, Steiner handed Petey the X Division Title shot to use at any time as his reward. Steiner said that as far as his World Title shot at Sacrifice, he sees two different meanings between him and Joe. He said he sees Joe as a fat freak. Steiner put over the McDonald's menu, which didn't get over with the crowd. "Bigger is not better," Steiner said. He called Joe genetic freak while he is a genetic freak. Steiner talked up his title history while Joe just stood there listening. Yawn. First WCW reference of the show at 8:08 p.m. CST. Man, I had money on 8:10. So close.
Kurt Angle mercifully ended Steiner's ramblings when he walked out to the ring in a suit. Angle went right up to Joe and said there are no excuses. He said man-to-man, Joe beat him at Lockdown. Angle said he always learns from his mistakes, even if it's a classic bout, win or lose. He said he never makes the same mistake twice. Angle then turned his attention to Steiner. He said Steiner has a title shot at Sacrifice even though Steiner's last big win was in 1975 against the Road Warriors with his idiot brother. Angle then said he had something to whip. Well, that could make this more interesting. Alas, it was a piece of paper. Angle said the contract has a title re-match clause, which means he can have his re-match anytime he wants. Angle said it would be next week right here on Impact. "Live, free, on Spike TV," he said. Angle smiled at Joe, then he gave Steiner a thumbs up and he left the ring. Tenay gloated about it being on free TV next week. So, basically, everyone who spent $30 on the PPV feels like an idiot.
Backstage: Lauren caught up with Christian and Rhino, who was sporting a Detroit Tigers jersey. No jokes on the record. Christian said he and Rhino patched everything up. Rhino started to talk, but Team 3D interrupted. OK, so instead of keeping in the moment, the camera revealed there are other cameras and they're on a giant set. So, they basically revealed it's a TV show to take you right out of the moment. Why on God's green earth TNA did this is beyond me. Ray asked "Terry" what's wrong with him and what happened to the cool dude from ECW. First ECW reference at 8:14. Man, I had second quarter hour on that one. Ray then brought out his back-up and they beat down Christian and Rhino in a complete farce of a segment with them revealing it's all just a TV show. This was officially the worst segment of all-time.
[Commercial Break. Local promo for PWA in Pasadena this weekend.]
[Q2]
Backstage: Borash was standing by with Jay Lethal, who was knocking on the door to the women's rest room looking for So Cal Val. Lethal said lady luck is always on his side in the form of So Cal Val. Val then walked out of the restroom with Sonjay Dutt. She was startled to see Lethal outside the door. Val and Lethal took off, then Borash held Dutt back to have a word man-to-man about Dutt trying to get close to Val. Dutt acted like he had no idea what Borash was talking about.
1 -- X Division champion JAY LETHAL (w/So Cal Val) vs. JOHNNY DEVINE -- X Division Title match
NASCAR's Hermie Sadler joined the broadcast for this one. Devine jumped Lethal from behind to start the match, and he dominated for the first few minutes while offering Val a chance to ride with a real man. Sadler talked about Autism Awareness month, with the proceeds of TNA merch. sales going to his foundation. Devine went for the Divine Intervention at 3:00, but Lethal blocked and nailed the Lethal Combination. He then went up top and nailed a top rope elbow fo the pin and the win.
WINNER: Lethal in 4:00 to retain the X Division Title. Basic TV match. Just fine. (*)
Post-match, Petey stormed the ring and smashed Lethal with the briefcase.
[Commercial Break]
[Q3]
They returned with Petey Williams smashing Lethal into the X Division Title briefcase. He grabbed a mic and screamed at him that this briefcase says he can have the title match whenever he wants. Petey demanded the referee call for the bell to start the match.
2 -- X Division champion JAY LETHAL vs. PETEY WILLIAMS -- X Division Title match
Petey with the Canadian Destroyer for the pin and the win. Val was near tears ringside. Steiner's freak then brought the belt into the ring and placed it around Petey's waist. After the match, Sonjay Dutt stormed the ring to check on Lethal.
WINNER: Petey in 0:15 to capture the X Division Title. 30 minutes after Joe brought attention to the significance of his title belt, TNA reminded us that belts don't matter. Petey is great, so that makes this slightly more digestable.
Backstage: Lauren brought in LAX to talk about becoming X Division champions. Homicide said it's their night tonight. He said they're not going to talk about it anymore; they're going to take the belts. Hernandez cut a promo in Spanish, then Salinas got in Lauren's face and talked smack to her. They cut before Lauren could bust out laughing.
In-ring: Matt Morgan came to the ring. They did the Andre camera shot to show how gigantic Morgan looks. And then Morgan opened his mouth. He said Jim Cornette wasn't just a boss for him, but a father-figure. Morgan said he's here to make his time now. He talked about the guys complaining about pay and spots on the card, and having to put up with that. Morgan paused to find his next line in the air, then he talked about the sacrifices he's had to make. Random crowd shot that didn't mix with the promo. Morgan said he's the blueprint for how giant wrestlers should look, talk, and wrestle. Another random crowd shot of total geeks in the crowd. He said his catchphrase, then his music hit. That was quite possibly the worst promo of all-time. Not even because of anything Morgan said, but because the editing was absolutely horrific. It was like a two-year-old was behind the controls pressing random buttons.
[Commercial Break]
Impact Zone: West talked about the upcoming events, then more crowd shots of tourists and geeks in the crowd. Why?
Backstage: Lauren brought in Samoa Joe to talk about his upcoming title matches. Joe said it comes with the territory. He said that it's going to be rather difficult to take the belt from him. Suddenly, Kevin Nash was shown standing behind Joe. The camera tried to shift to hide Nash, but he was the focus of this segment. Joe said he will make it apparent next week that he is the TNA champion for the long haul.
In-ring: LAX came to the ring for a tag title match. During LAX's entrance, there was a technical malfunction and some other Spike TV programming starting playing. Kaz and Eric Young then came out, and Young fell on the stage because of his pyro. Styles and Tomko then came out to defend the belts.
[Q4]
3 -- TNA tag team champions A.J. STYLES & Tomko vs. LAX (HOMICIDE & HERNANDEZ w/Salinas) vs. ERIC YOUNG & KAZ
Tenay plugged TNA Mobile for something about more MMA peeps coming to TNA. Young bailed from the ring one minute into the match. Tenay and West speculated whether it's time for him to Eric Up. Let's cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
They returned with men flying everywhere. That would include Hernandez, the Super Mexican, who flew over the top rope with a splash onto Tomko. A.J. Styles wanted to get some, but Kaz gave him the Flux Capacitor into the ring. Suddenly, Super Eric's music hit and he ran into the ring. Kaz made the hot tag, then Young walked over to Styles and gave him a Northern Lights suplex for the pin and the win.
WINNERS: Kaz & Super Eric in 7:00 to capture the TNA Tag Titles. A bunch of spots, then another switcheroo title change. Win by pinfall, submission, or making up your own rules as you go along. (1/2*)
[Commercial Break]
Announcers: Mike Tenay said he understands there is controversy over what just happened. Imagine that!
Backstage: Styles and Tomko were screaming at Jim Cornette in his office about the injustice. Tomko: "He has two egos." Styles said it was a case of outside interference. Cornette asked what will make them happy to get them out of his office. Styles said he wants Cornette to ask Young if he's two different people. Cornette surmised that if Young says he's two different people, then Styles and Tomko get their belts back.
[Q5 - second hour]
4 -- TEAM 3D (BROTHER RAY & BROTHER DEVON) vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE & RHINO
Christian and Rhino charged the ring to clear Team 3D to the outside before the bell sounded. Back in the ring, 3D flopped around the ring for Christian's right hand punches. Tenay plugged a six-man tag match yet to come tonight. Rhino tagged in, then tripped in the corner and ate the middle turnbuckle. Rhino recovered and cleared 3D to the outside. Christian then did a dive off the top onto 3D on the floor. Babyfaces stood tall going into break.
[Commercial Break]
Team 3D was in control out of the break after using nefarious means to achieve said control on Christian. As 3D continued to work over Christian, Tenay and West gloated about the free TV match of Joe vs. Angle next week. West basically said it sucks to be you if you paid $30 for the previous five Joe vs. Angle matches. Rhino took a hot tag at 11:00 and cleaned house. Christian entered the ring as the illegal man, but Ray delivered a "shot right there to the nuts", as West said. Rhino then accidentally gave Christian the Gore. Devon then accidentally clotheslined Ray. Rhino then accidentally rolled up Devon from behind for the win. Oh wait, he meant to win the match.
Afterward, everyone was mad at each other for screwing up. Ray then pushed Earl Hebner down for all those weeks of holding the scale. Ray put a finger in Devon's face, so Devon pushed him away. Ray then slapped Devon and they went nose-to-nose until security intervened to break them up.
WINNERS: Rhino & Christian in 13:00. Fine TV match if you're into more dissension on your TNA programming. (*1/2)
Backstage: Borash followed Cornette into a locker room where Eric Young was playing with army figures. Cornette said there was outside interference during the tag title match. Young told Cornette to make it his call. They proceeded to argue about whether he interfered. They did the who's on first and who's on second routine and got nowhere.
Elsewhere backstage, the knockouts were arguing in their locker room. Big bad father figure Cornette interrupted the slumber party and cut a promo about being sick and tired of them pissing, moaning, screaming, and yelling at each other. Is that Avril Lavigne or Velvet Sky? Cornette cut a promo on them for being spoiled brats, when back in his day, he drove 500 miles each night to the matches with the heater not working in the winter. And that was diving uphill both ways with the snow coming down sideways and Jerry Lynn eating peanut butter on the side of the highway. The knockouts looked at Cornette like he's nuts, then Cornette screamed at them before leaving.
[Q6]
[Commercial Break]
In-ring: Cornette was in the ring with Tomko and Styles. Cornette apologized ahead of time for all of the stupidity on this TV programming. Well, Mr. Cornette, you're about 80 minutes too late for that. Cornette recapped the tag title ordeal, then he said they're going to bring out Eric Young to admit he's one in the same person. Remember the time when Tomko was cool? Well, that's a rather distant memory these days. Instead of Young coming out, Kaz came out with both title straps. "This thing just keeps getting more confusing," West said. Agreed. Cornette told Kaz to slow his roll, then he called out Young again. Big bad father figure Cornette gave him a count of three, then Super Eric's music hit.
Super Eric emerged and West was dumbfounded. Watching Cornette blow his stack is great comedy television. Young looked at Cornette very sternly, then Cornette took a deep breath, remembered he's under contract to TNA, and then asked Young to explain what the heck is going on. Young asked "Commissioner Gordon" what he's talking about. Cornette demanded an explanation, but Young wouldn't comply. He instead cut a promo on Cornette's mannerisms, then Kaz took the mic and tried to fix this. Kaz said they're talking about the tag titles, so admit he's Eric Young so they can celebrate. Young said he cannot do that for he is Super Young. This is completely absurd. Tomko threw a random kick Kaz's way for no apparent reason.
Cornette then said they're stripped of the tag titles. Tomko and Styles tried to leave with the belts, but Cornette told them to slow down. He said no one is the champions. Cornette said as far as he's concerned, there are no champions. He's taking the belts to the office and he'll figure out what to do in the interim. What's amazing is that these are grown adults being scripted to act like five-year-olds.
Backstage: Lauren suggested to Kip James, Robert Roode, James Storm, and Jacqueline that they have no chance against their opponents tonight. Kip said he is the mega-star, Kip James. Kip told B.G. James that he's his daddy because he owns his redneck self. Kip then did the "Down where?" joke and Lauren played along so Kip could do a "Down there" crotch chop as the punch line. Storm didn't feel the joke, so he cut a promo on Sting for putting his nose in his business. Roode cut a promo on Booker T. Roode told him to bring the clown and the redneck so they can all find out that it pays to be Roode.
[Q7]
[Commercial Break]
5 -- Knockouts champion AWESOME KING (w/Raisha Saeed) vs. ROXXI LEVEAUX -- Knockouts Title match
Roxxi was near-tears early in the match as Kong straight dominated her with power offense. Roxxi made a comeback with a roundhouse forearm smash at 3:00, but Kong nailed her with a huge Gut Bump that knocked Roxxi to the mat. Kong with a scoop slam, then a big leg drop for a nearfall. Kong missed with a top rope splash, then scored with running boot that took Kong off her feet for a nearfall. She ducked the spinning backhand, then hit a swinging neckbreaker for another nearfall. Roxxi attempted her Voodoo drop deal, but Kong blocked and nailed the spinning backfist. Kong finished her off with the Awesome Bomb for the win.
WINNER: Kong in 5:00 to retain the Knockouts Title. Fine match, although a bit short. I don't have a problem with Kong giving Roxxi that much offense, as it built to some good nearfalls and Kong's trademark two-blow combo for the win that the crowd actually bought into with genuine emotion. (*3/4)
Backstage, Borash caught up with Kurt Angle, who was banging on the door to his locker room because he couldn't get inside. Borash said it's a storage room. Angle came to the realization that he's no longer champ, so he no longer get his own special treatment. Angle said he didn't become a household name by just being champ, but by bouncing back. He said he slipped once, and next week, Joe's going to slip and he'll be champ again. Angle asked what he has to do to earn some respect around here. He turned to the camera and told Joe to enjoy the title run because it's going to be real short.
[Commercial Break]
[Q8]
6 -- KIP JAMES & JAMES STORM (w/Jacqueline) & ROBERT ROODE (w/out Peyton Banks) vs. B.G. JAMES & BOOKER T. (w/out Sharmell) & STING
Sting worked over Roode to start things off. B.G. then took a tag and had control until Storm snuck in behind him and nailed the backstabber. Heels in control leading to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Heels in control out of the break still working over B.G. James with quick tags. Roode and B.G. then had a mid-ring collision and both men collapsed to the mat. B.G. crawled in the desert to Booker, who accepted the tag. The action broke down, then Booker gave Storm a spinebuster in center ring. He called for the Spinarooni, but Roode cut him off. Storm kicked Booker in the head, then he took a beer bottle from Jacqueline and tried to smash Booker, but Matt Morgan snuck into the ring and gave Storm a bicycle kick. Morgan disappeared, then Booker nailed the axe kick on Storm for the win.
Post-match: Matt Morgan hopped into the ring and wanted his props for helping them win the match. Booker took exception. Sting tried to play peacemaker between Booker and Morgan, but Booker shoved Sting in the chest. Sting backed away, then Booker took the mic and told Morgan he doesn't need his help. Booker said Sting backing Morgan is bull. It's bull, man. Booker told Sting if he wants to take some too, he better Man Up to be ready to take some. Is he implying what I think he's implying? Booker said something about next week between him and Sting.
WINNERS: Team Booker in 9:00. Fine TV match if you like even more dissension with your TNA Impact main events. Actually, a halfway decent lead-in to next week. (*1/4)
They closed with a video package on Joe vs. Angle at Lockdown. The voice-over man said it's being called one of the greatest TNA heavyweight title matches in history. They closed with a plug for Angle vs. Joe on next week's show.
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