By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S ECW ON SCI-FI REPORT
APRIL 22, 2008
TAPE-DELAYED - GREENSBORO, N.C.

-Pyro blasted to start the show, then Mike Adamle introduced the show. He hyped that Kane would be Edge's "Cutting Edge." Tazz then got excited as Kelly Kelly came out to her music.

1 -- KELLY KELLY & TOMMY DREAMER vs. LEYLA & MIKE KNOX

A clip aired of Mike Knox beating up Colin Delaney last week. Adamle said: "Correct me if I am wrong (awkward pause). Mike Knox is on a mission in 2008." That means nothing. But if that's as bad as he gets, it's a fast improvement. He seemed gun-shy as he said Leyla "couldn't wait to touch… tap Mike Knox in the corner" on a quick early tag after some Kelly offense. He called a Knox clothesline correctly. Kelly finished Leyla with a drop legdriver. Afterward, Knox took Dreamer to the mat with his faceplant finisher which went unnamed by either Adamle or Tazz. Adamle said Knox left Dreamer with something to "well, dream about."

WINNERS: Dreamer & Kelly in 2:00.

[Commercial Break]

-As the camera panned the crowd, Adamle threw to the presidential messages that aired on Raw last night. Okay, I'm against ECW being replay-central from Raw and SD, but that was a pretty big coup to get all three candidates to record messages, so I supposed we'll see these on ECW and Smackdown this week. They actually only aired highlights from each in the same order as on Raw. Back at ringside, Adamle and Tazz were shown on camera for the first time. Adamle seemed a little unsure of himself as he thanked the senators, but it's probably nothing anyone would pick up on if not already aware of how lost he was last week.

2 -- JOHN MORRISON (w/The Miz) vs. JIMMY WANG YANG (w/Shannon Moore)

The Miz joined Adamle and Tazz at ringside. Miz said, "Mike Adamle, it is an absolute honor to be with your legendary status." That's what he said. Adamle joked about Morrison having an eight-pack of abs, then asked if Tazz had that in his prime. Tazz said he had a one-pack. During Jimmy Wang Yang's ring entrance, Adamle tripped over the name again. He called him "Jimmy Yang… Wang Yang." He had all week and he still screwed it up. Miz asked if he's "Jamaican him crazy." Adamle said Kofi Kingston may later. Miz said last week they proved they're on the same level as Undertaker and Kane and Batista. Tazz said he's a fan of The Dirt Sheet on WWE.com, but they're not making friends with it. Adamle interjected himself and said, "John Morrison doing what he wants when he wants to Jimmy…" He trailed off, forgetting Wang Yang's name again. Miz said (I think, as Tazz talked at the same time): "Good call there, Mike Adamle." Tazz joking called Miz "The Miz." Miz shot back, "The Tazz." Tazz said, "Yeah, how about that." They talked over each other a bit, so some of the intended humor was lost, but they were trying to make fun of Adamle's performance last week. Whether Adamle knew that, I don't know. As Morrison was climbing the top rope to set up the finishing sequence, Adamle meandered into a description of last week's TV main event. Morrison missed his corkscrew moonsault and Tazz had to interrupt Adamle's recap to call the cover that Wang made to score the pin. That's the kind of timing situation that someone with just basic wrestling viewing experience would have a sense of, but Adamle is completely clueless. Shouldn't someone tell Adamle in his headset the finish is coming up. After a replay, Adamle said, "He'll put that in his scrapbook, that's for sure." What is going in his scrapbook? Again, just a stupid empty-cliche. Miz freaked out over Morrison's loss and then yelled at him at ringside. Morrison reminded him they're tag champions. The mic caught Miz telling Morrison, "You lost!" Morrison said, "I know that. Captain Obvious, thank you."

[Commercial Break]

-An extended video package aired on the King of the Ring tournament.

-Tazz and Adamle were shown on camera again. In fairness, Tazz called it "the King of Wing, uh, Ring winner." Adamle said it's amazing to be G.M. of Raw and the King of the Ring. He said, "He'll be toast of the town, that's for sure." Oh boy. They previewed the Backlash PPV line-up one match at a time. When Adamle read his script promoting the Backlash main event, he said, "fatal four (pause) way match," as if "way" was on a different line. It just sounded odd, like his brain wasn't connected to the words he was reading. Again, a small thing, but it all adds up and no other announcer on the air is so awkward with just basic stuff like that.

-Backstage, Kofi Kingston offered a handshake to Shelton Benjamin and said, "May the best man win tonight." Shelton laughed and didn't shake his hand. He asked if he's undefeated. "That ends tonight," he said. Kofi looked stoned and just stared back at him like he's never seen someone be so rude. Shelton got close to his face, then walked away. Good little segment to add a little backstory to the next match.

[Commercial Break]

3 -- KOFI KINGSTON vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN

Adamle said, "Suffice to say that these two gentlemen are arguably the best athletes on an ECW roster in terms of an ability to do a variety of different things." That sounds a bit silly, but not too weird - unless you heard him say it. He was obviously fed the line in his headset and had no idea when the sentence was going to end, and apparently can only relay a few words at a time, so he paused between every few words waiting for the next few words to repeat. There was no connection between his brain and what he was saying. He's really lousy. Did we say that yet? I mean, comparing the confidence with which Tazz speaks and Adamle's tentative clunkiness, it's night and day. Adamle continued to speak as if he was repeating lines fed to him, although he wasn't saying much. Kofi hit a monkey flip and Shelton fired back with a shoulder block. Kofi ducked a Shelton kick and then hit a roundhouse kick of his own to score the pin. Adamle said, "Jamaica me crazy, Kofi Kingston, remains undefeated." He thinks he found a catchphrase.

WINNER: Kingston in 4:00.

STAR RATING: * -- That was a nice start to a good match. The pin came out of nowhere. What they did felt more like a real fight than usual for Kofi and especially Shelton. A nice step up in workrate.

[Commercial Break]

-A highlight package aired of the impersonators of Hillary vs. Obama on Raw. Adamle then congratulated Hillary Clinton for winning the Pennsylvania primary. Good little touch to get across that they're live or nearly live.

4 -- MARK HENRY vs. NUNZIO

Henry powerslammed Nunzio to the mat after a bearhug for the pin. Adamle said: "This should be a mercy, euthanasia… Mark Henry did the right thing to get it over with quick." That's what he said. I'm just reporting it. Maybe Adamle just can't hear very well or has a faulty hearing aid.

WINNER: Mark Henry in 2:00.

-A close up of Kane's face was shown as he got ready for his interview on "The Cutting Edge."

[Commercial Break]

-A video package aired - the same as on Raw - of WWE's European tour.

-Edge walked to the ring to his full ring intro with his pals, Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder. Kane then made his full ring intro. Edge praised Kane for his achievements, then said his parents must be proud. Kane said his parents are dead. He said if he mentions then again, "you may be, too." He said he's taken him out before, and he can again, but this time permanently. Edge shot back that he agreed to be on his show and they ask tough questions. "Face it, Kane, your life sucks," he said. "It does, okay? And you can trace it all back to your dysfunctional family." He talked about the fire as a child, hiding under a mask due to mental scars, he's had failed relationships "one I'm not even going to mention, the other with Lita, a woman you impregnated to carry on your legacy. When she miscarried, she left you soon after for me." Great summary of Kane's bizarre career. Imagine someone tuning in as a new WWE fan. Their head just exploded. Edge said Kane's been an integral part of his life. He said he was about to marry Lita when he ruined their wedding day. Then he injured him and put him out of action. He said it was almost a blessing in disguise, because in that time he met the most beautiful woman in the world - Vickie Guerrero. Kane said, "Wait a second, Edge, you're actually thanking me for that." Edge said Vickie is his everything. He said Zach and Curt are like their children, his sons. He said Chavo is like his nephew. Kane looked incredulously at Edge. He said he's so thankful that at Backlash, "my family takes back what is rightfully ours." Kane said after Backlash he won't have much of a family left after he destroys Chavo. He said if his second cousin Bam Neely gets in his way, he won't have much of a chance to get to know him. He said he and his "two sons" will be taken out by his brother Undertaker. He said after Backlash, the only remaining member of his family will be his fiance all by herself. He said, "Don't worry, my brother and I will take real good care of her. I promise." Edge didn't like what Kane was implying (nor did I, actually). Edge said, "How dare you?" Then a brawl broke out with Kane out-numbered, but handling himself well. Then Bam Neely and Chavo joined in. Adamle said, "I didn't expect this to happen - all hell breaking loose." He definitely has never watched wrestling before. Adamle said, "Chavo Guerrero in the ring now. You always know something's up his sleeve." The heels held Kane on the mat as Chavo smashed his leg with a chair. He milked the moment for all it was worth. The beat down really dragged out.

-Okay, if someone's in the mood for a project, string together all of Mike Adamle's words he spoke on this show. I bet they don't add up to 90 seconds total. Last week Adamle was so bad, it was worth tuning in to hear him put in a repeat effort. This week he was just lousy - really lousy - but not embarrassingly and entertainingly bad. He's still the worst I can ever remember since he just has no clue about the product, no instinct, no charisma, no connection to the product, and doesn't have the skill to fake it.

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