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Where We've Been: Samoa Joe will pick four people tonight to compete against Tomko, Robert Roode, James Storm and Matt Morgan to win berths in the King of the Mountain match. That might seem an odd list—I think I would be hard pressed to find much of anyone who would rate Matt Morgan as one of TNA's top 10 stars, and I certainly shouldn't be able to find anyone who would so count Roode. The logic given is that they're people who've never had a World Heavyweight Championship opportunity, but overlooks the fact that they're probably not even in the top four of people who've never had title shots—does Morgan really make sense in this spot over Eric Young or either member of the Motor City Machine Guns or LAX? It was cool that they tried to put Kaz in high profile heavyweight matches. I would judge Project Kaz at best a mixed success, but the largely positive response the first attempt in November generated (when it really came out of nowhere) is I think good enough to try again with someone else. I'm not a Morgan-hater by any means, but it's really not time yet. Even Brock Lesnar had to spend a month or two dealing with the Hardys and RVD so that we knew why he was unstoppable, and Matt Morgan is no Brock Lesnar.

The Show: Kurt or Karen: The beginning…or the end?

Team 3D are telling an unseen mystery wrestler that they'll have his back out in the ring. Since there's only one person they're aligned with, is there much point keeping it a mystery? Johnny Devine doesn't count.

We recap what happened last week on Impact. I hope this doesn't become a regular thing. No one will ever read my column if they can get a recap on television complete with cruddy background music.

[Opening Pyro]

Crap, they just said the first qualifier would be Roode vs. Morgan. So now we know at least one person in the King of Mountain match will be either under-qualified or bad.

(1) HOMICIDE defeats BROTHER RAY

Homicide starts right after Brother Ray, fists flying like lightning. Ray keeps creating distance, but Homicide just keeps coming as the crowd goes nuts. He hits ten mounted punches, but gets caught by an elbow to the face when he tries to charge in the corner. Brother Ray tries to follow up with a Running Power Slam—Homicide slips out, but Ray kicks him down anyway. Ray hits some shoulder thrusts and a Bionic Elbow in the corner, then takes Homicide back into the middle of the ring with a Body Slam. Ray tries to hit a Senton Splash off the second rope, but Homicide gets away. They both get to their feet, and Homicide tries to knock Ray back down. He can't do it from the floor, so he hits a Missile Dropckick and then a Hurricanran off the top rope. He hits the Gringo Cutter for the kill, but Brother Devon runs out and breaks the count up at two by nailing Homicide in the back with a kendo stick. The ref's right there, so that'll be a DQ.
After the match Devon keeps bringing the hurt. He brings a table in the ring, as Hernandez finally remembers he's supposed to make the save. He goes for the Border Toss on Devon, but Booker T runs out and Superkicks him in the face. The crowd chants for Joe as Team 3D cream LAX with the kendo stick and the tag titles. We get the first unprompted "Joe is gonna kill you" chant that we've heard in a while. Brother Ray says that Hector Guerrero is dead, LAX are dead, and all Pueto Ricans are dead. He Powerbombs Homicide through the table. That was a good opening segment.

JB is in the back with Karen Angle. He says how excited he is that she and Kurt are getting back together, but she tells him to expect the unexpected, then storms off. Kong and Saeed jump out of a random door and hand JB some note to read before storming off too. He says something about "$25,000 to wrestle fans…" So will Awesome Kong be the female Andy Kaufman, fighting random men in the ring? That would be a cool idea, but I think it'd get old after 23 seconds.

[Commercial Break]

They recap The Beautiful People's path of destruction last week. Not-Crystal is in the back with ODB, and wants to know what she'll do to Angelina Love. ODB says that she hates dolled up girlies, with fake boobs and lips. Not-Crystal is suitably skeptical regarding ODB's own breasts, but ODB has her feel them to see for herself. They're not filled with saline, they're 100% vodka.

(2) ANGELINA LOVE (w/VELVET SKY) defeats ODB

Tenay tries to rundown the match, while West is being oddly quiet. Out of nowhere they have the following exchange:
Don West: I'm just daydreaming about boobies filled with vodka.
Tenay: Who's going to add the splash of cranberry?
Um, okay. ODB spits vodka in the face of Love to start. Velvet Sky protests on the apron, and while ODB is distracted Love hits on awesome Cartwheel Kick. She pounds on ODB for a bit before locking in a Chin Lock. The crowd comes alive for ODB, but less so than they did for Homicide and Joe. ODB stands up with Love on her back, then backs her into the turnbuckle to break the hold. She takes Love down with a trio of clotheslines and a Fall-Away Slam. A Spinning Side Slam gets two. Love runs her to the side of the ring, where Velvet Sky is able to discreetly whack her in the head with the flask. Love makes the cover for the win.
Love busts out an electric razor, but just before it can touch ODB's hair Roxxi comes out and takes out both Beautify People. She isolates Love in the ring and is about to shave her head when senior referee Rudy Charles pulls the shears away. Love rolls out of the ring, and Roxxi is not happy. After a moment's thought, she kicks Rudy Charles and nails him with the Voodoo Drop. I don't know why I think that's awesome, but I really do.

[Commercial Break]

We recap past King of the Mountain matches. They start talking about how no one's ever retained in King of the Mountain. I wish they hadn't mentioned it.

Joe is out with Kevin Nash. He says that he's got his picks for the King of the Mountain qualifiers. He says that they had to look at last of prospects, but they wanted the best and the baddest. The first is someone who some might call the best wrestler on the planet, and whom Joe thinks is damn close: AJ Styles. His second pick is Rhino. The crowd starts chanting for the Instant Classic, and Joe says since they're big on customer service sand ince we asked we shall receive—the third is Christian Cage. He starts talking about how dominant his fourth pick has been in every organization—Nash seems happy, till Joe says he's talking about Booker T. Nash asks how he can have Joe's back if he's not in the match. Joe replies that people don't pay to see other wrestlers have his back, they pay to see other wrestlers try to kill him. Nash points out that Joe's only had the title for two months and already knows everything about being champion. If there's one thing Nash doesn't like, it's people who don't do what they're told, cause when people don't do what they're told things break down. The crowd fires up their second "Joe is gonna kill you" chant, and Nash walks off in a huff.

JB is in the back with Kurt Angle and Frank Trigg as they walk into the men's room. Kurt says how lucky Karen is to be moving back in, and wants to know if Frank will go out for drinks later to celebrate. Trigg points out that maybe Kurt should spend a night with his wife, but Kurt laughingly replies that she'll have her hands full trying to clean their house back up. Frank also wants to know why JB followed them into the bathroom, but Kurt assures him that's just JB's nature.

[Commercial Break]

Not-Crystal is in the back with Lethal, SoCal Val, and Sonjay Dutt. SoCal Val talks about how excited she is, and how it's a bit soon but she's ready to be married at Slammiversary. The Rock & Rave Infection have asked to audition for the wedding. SoCal is annoyed that Christy is writhing like a stripper, and Lethal realizes she's lip-syncing. Also she's lost a bunch of weight and looks disconcertingly…skeletal, but that's just my observation. Sonjay announces that he already got Ace Young to play the wedding, and in fact he'll be here next week. Lethal turns his back to leave, and the Infection ambush him from behind.

They've graciously allowed the cameras to come back to Abyss's room. He talks about the whispers in his head about torture and battered flesh. In here his name is Chris Parks, but he'll always be Abyss. He says it's time for him to come home.

[Commercial Break]

Not-Crystal is in the back with Robert Roode, and she thinks he should give Cornette credit for picking him for his match. Maybe she's right, and he should be a smile on his face—is she kidding him? He's been spinning his wheels for four years, and only now does he get his title shot? He says that the people in TNA finally realized that there's no way to keep him down any longer. He congratulates Booker T on coming to learn the lessons he's been teaching for six months. He tells Matt Morgan that this business is about brains more than biceps. At Slammiversary we'll all learn that it pays to be Roode, and we can bank on that. That was one of Roode's most effective promos to date. It didn't set the world ablaze, but it was decent.

(3) ROBERT ROODE defeats MATT MORGAN

Where's Payton Banks? Don West points out that a lot of people might question Morgan being in this position, and I'm tempted to rewrite my into so as to sound less like Don West. The crowd is bizarrely loud and split between Morgan and Roode. Morgan sends Roode flying with a Back Body Drop as Tenay announces that the second qualifier will be AJ vs. Bookert T. West rightly points out that you would have really expected both of them to be in the King of the Mountain, but that only one can advance. Morgan catches his knee on the ropes, and Roode starts working it over. When he goes for a Figure Four Morgan kicks him off. Roode comes back with strikes, but Morgan just no-sells them and floors Roode with a head butt. He takes him down again with a clothesline and a Side Slam. He starts beating down Roode in the corner, and when Earl Hebner tries to break it up Morgan shoves him down. Oddly enough, that isn't a DQ, but it is enough of a distraction for Roode to hit a Double Leg Takedown and use the ropes for a three count. This does not bode well for The Phenomenal One later.

[Commercial Break]

Eric Young has made it to Memphis. He mistakes a cardboard cutout and a statue for Elvis, and doesn't believe the random guy on the street who tells him he died in the 70's.

For those who are curious, this segment took from 10:00 to 10:02, and then we recap As the Angles Turn again for two minutes. If there's a sharp drop-off after the fifth quarter I think we know why. I went back to check, and yep, every single other segment so far would have been a better one to lead off the second hour than these last four minutes. Yes, even Roode vs. Morgan.

Kurt's out, and says it's his honor and privilege to welcome out the most beautiful woman in the world, Karen Angle. Kurt is grinning ear-to-ear as she walks to the ring. The crowd reminds her that she's "Karen Styles". Kurt thanks her for coming, and says that he understands that she now knows her role and that they have their priorities together. Karen is shocked that that's all he has to say. He says that he knows she watches Dr. Phil and gets caught up in the drama, but that's this who he is and it's not going to change. She says that that's why it won't work; she came out with one shred of hope, but that's gone now. She wants a divorce. He suddenly flips out and says he can change. She doesn't believe him. He wants to know if she's seeing AJ, and she swears she isn't. He gets on his knees and begs for another chance as the crowd declares that they want AJ. She puts down her mic and walks away. He is still begging as she walks to the back.

I take back what I said earlier about how any other segment would have been better than leading off the second hour with those four minutes. I should have said that any of those other segments would have been better than leading off the second hour with these last ten minutes. I apologize for any confusion this might have caused.
[Commercial Break]

JB is in the back with Kong and Saeed. JB tells her to consider the lawsuits that would result from fighting fans. He says he'll have nothing to do with this, because it's crazy. Saeed says that Kong has beaten everyone, and needs new competition. She has releases in case they break someone, and if JB doesn't help it'll be him they break.

They recap the Steiner/Petey training, and ignoring the torture bits it's actually pretty amusing. They also cover Kaz's winning the #1 contender's spot in the TerrorDome.

It's now been 19 minutes since anything interesting happened.

Not-Crystal is in the parking lot with AJ Styles. She points out that between Kurt thinking AJ's seeing his wife and Tomko not being happy about his tagging with someone else, AJ is not having a good day. AJ points out that he only tagged with Super Eric a couple of times, but Tomko saunters onscreen and says it was a few times too many. AJ asks where he's been—he's been calling all week. Tomko, it turns out, has been stewing over AJ losing them the tag titles. Tomko gets in AJ's face, and AJ suddenly explodes that he's sick of people pushing around, and he's going to do what he wants from now on. Tomko smiles and says he's heard that before, cause he's the one who said it. He can respect AJ being his own man, but says he'll have to do it alone.

[Commercial Break]

We go back to Tenay's sit-down interview with Sting. Tenay asks if Sting's had any contact with Jeff Jarrett in the last year. Sting says that he's seen him a couple times, and that he's definitely missed. He talks about all the burdens Jeff has. Tenay asks him to share some early memories, and Sting talks about the little blond boy who first met these 270 lb. freaks from California.

JB stands in front of a ladder in the ring and explains the rules of the King of the Mountain match. He says it's time for the second qualifying match, but Awesome Kong's music hits. She and Saeed come to the ring. JB reiterates that he wants nothing to do with this, but Saeed is fairly insistent on the point. JB grudgingly asks the crowd if there are any adult female volunteers who would like to win the $25,000 (which Saeed has in cash in a briefcase). He calls on one girl. You can hear people yell the following things in the background:
Woman: That's not even real!
Man: You're gonna die! Don't do it!

[Commercial Break]

(4) AWESOME KONG (w/RAESHA SAEED) defeats RANDOM GIRL MELISSA

Melissa tries to stay out of reach as the crowd informs Melissa that "Kong is gonna kill you." Kong catches Melissa in the corner and eats her. She wins with an Awesome Bomb. Melissa took an abnormally hard bump on that Bomb.

Not-Crystal is in the back with Team 3D, and they say what they did tonight was payback for Hector Guerrero screwing them at the PPV. So they did what they do best, making people bleed and putting them through tables, and Ray says it looks like Lauren was turned on by it. He says AJ should be worried, cause he has to face this man, as he steps aside and reveals Booker T behind him. Booker draws attention to the shoddy locker room he's still stuck in after six months (accidentally mocking Ray's flannel shirt in the process). So now he's hanging with Team 3D against all the peons, since he is the heir to the throne. The 3D/Booker T pairing seems to have given a lot more personality to everyone involved than they've exhibited in months.

[Commercial Break]

(5) BOOKER T defeats AJ STYLES

AJ throws his crown out into the crowd on his way to the ring. They're really going to have a ladder match for the title without this guy? He is TNA. The crowd is alive for AJ right from the start. Booker takes control early with some quick strikes, but AJ dodges an Axe Kick and hits a series of chops. He hits some shoulder thrusts in the corner, but misses a running clothesline and eats a kick. Booker slowly works him over, locking in a dull Chin Lock. AJ powers out but gets taken back down by a Spin Kick. Booker locks in some sort of Arm Bar. AJ powers out again, but this time Booker hits some knees to keep control. He tries coming off the rope, but AJ leapfrogs him and takes him down with a dropkick. Booker rolls outside, and AJ goes to vault out onto him; Booker rolls back in, and AJ changes course in mid-air and lands on the apron. He comes back in with a Springboard Clothesline for two as Tomko comes down the ramp. AJ goes for a Styles Clash, but Booker powers him out of the ring. AJ goes for another Springboard Clothesline, but Tomko trips him. He falls into a Bookend for three. That ending is wrong on so many levels.
After the match Tomko gets in AJ's face, and AJ shoves him back.

[Commercial Break]

AJ and Tomko are brawling in the middle of the ring. AJ gets the better of it just in time for Team 3D to charge in and attack him. AJ fights them off too, but when Booker T joins in the numbers finally catch up to AJ. Tomko wraps a chain around his fist and plasters Styles with it. Booker and Tomko ward off the referees who try to break things up. The crowd chants for LAX as Team 3D, Booker and Tomko continue the dissection of AJ Styles. Styles is busted open, but the beat-down continues. Karen Angle comes down to try to protect AJ. She tries to shield his body, Brother Ray pulls her off, so Karen slaps him. They scare her out of the ring and then resume the beat-down on AJ. Karen runs to the back as Tomko shows off AJ's blood. Karen comes out with Kurt Angle, who's wielding a chair. The heels clear the ring as and Karen goes to cradle AJ. Kurt wards them off with the chair, but when Brother Ray points to Karen and AJ in the ring he seems to waver. As Booker eggs him on he plasters AJ with a chair shot. He points to AJ's blood and says it's Karen's fault. That was some moderately powerful stuff. I know people don't like the unprotected chair shots, but this one shot to bring a beating to a climax was one of its better uses.


Where We're Going: So they made a big deal of the fact that no champion has ever retained in the King of the Mountain match. I have to go back and check, but I wonder if in the history of wrestling anyone has ever said a sentence of the form "X has never been done" and not had X done within a month (see, eg. Undertaker winning the 2007 Royal Rumble out of the #30 spot). That being said, Joe also reminded everyone today why he deserves to keep the belt, and he did it in the simplest way—he interacted with the fans. They set him up nicely for a point he wanted to make (Christian getting a shot at the King of Mountain match), and rather than just plow ahead with the script he incorporated what was going on. It makes things seem more natural and more fun, and it is of course what folk like Foley and the Rock used to do all the time to great effect. So it looks like Joe's staying champion, but it also looks like he's growing back into the role after winning the title at what was really one of the lowest points in his career heat-wise.

Star of the Night: AJ Styles. I don't know why he's not in the Slammiversary main event, but his definitive face turn and coming program with Angle put him in position to reclaim his spot as the company's signature star.

Overall: Abyss was a cross between creepy and dull, whereas the Kurt/Karen saga and Eric Young's Elvis hunt fell safely on the dull side of the line. The rest of the show was fairly solid though, and TNA should get credit for trying to take fewer gratuitous commercials during matches. B-

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