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Where We've Been: Last week set the qualifiers for the King of the Mountain match. With Robert Roode and Booker T already qualifying, the match is shaping up to be every bit as good as the ninety-four iterations we've already seen of Roode vs. Booker, which is to say not very. Christian is fighting Tomko tonight, and Rhino is taking on James Storm. Normally I'd be all for Tomko getting a main event push, but we desperately need some people in this match who are still capable working a high-octane ladder match. Christian fits the bill better than just about anyone. Similarly, Rhino is up against James Storm, and as good as Rhino is he doesn't exactly scream "ladder match". Storm, on the other hand, has taken more wacky bumps than anyone this side of Jeff Hardy. Elsewhere in the show, some garbage happened with the Angles that we'd do well not to discuss, but which culminated in AJ Styles getting beheaded by a steel chair.

The Show: AJ's Revenge

[Opening Credits]

AJ has "big news", but Tenay says that just means that he'll clarify the situation with Karen Angle.

Team 3D and Booker T hit the ring, mics in hand. They get separate entrances, but that turns out to make sense as Booker takes the opportunity to bust out a wave and his best royal mannerisms. Ray says that in this sport guys like him, Devon, and Booker T are referred to as the "bad guys" because they do bad things to good people and like it. With Tomko and Kurt Angle tied up, that leaves the three men in the ring to represent the bad guys. But are they the bad guys, or is the real bad guy "this man" (referencing a portrait of AJ styles lowering from the ceiling)? The portrait is the new AJ trading card, which is soon to be a collector's item, since AJ's vanished. He says that AJ Styles is a wife-stealing, home-wrecking, adulterating scumbag. AJ slept with Kurt Angle's wife while Kurt's children were asleep in their beds. Tenay and West point out that there's no proof of that. Booker says that he is royalty. I'm not sure why that's relevant. When he came to TNA he promised to bring TNA his grace and prominence. The crowd loudly begs him to "bring back Booker." He was promised lots of things in return, but all he got was a locker room that rodents had used as a "pissing playground." Ummm…please tell me he just made up the phrase "pissing playground"? I'll be very disturbed if that's a real term. But at Slammiversary he'll prove that he's the greatest and make all of us kiss his royal feet, especially Samoa Joe. Devon says that that brings them to Hector Guerrero and LAX, but, unlike with AJ and Joe, you can't trash-talk LAX without getting a reaction. They come out their entrance, and Hector says that no matter how you beat them up, they'll just keep coming back. Jim Cornette has given them the opportunity to fight at Slammiversary, but why put off till tomorrow what you can do today? They start to move towards the ring when Christian's music hits. He and Rhino come out, and Christian's sorry for interrupting Hector's fiesta. He also wants to know what Booker's smoking, referring to him as Bob Marley. Booker came to TNA wanting to be respected for things he did in the past, but Christian couldn't care less if he's a five time, five time, five time, five time, five time WCW champion, because here you're not anything till you're TNA World Heavyweight Champion. So later tonight not only will Rhino qualify, but Christian will take his first step towards becoming a three time, three time, three time TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Joe's music hits, and for some reason he goes out into the crowd. He says that while he admires Christian's ambition, the person walking out of Memphis as champion will be the same person walking in as champion. The crowd seems pleased. He calls out Booker and, in what I can only assume is an improvised spot, responds to Booker's "five-time" pose by saying that that's how many fingers he's gonna break if he keeps shoving them in his face. Booker said last week that Joe was hard to find, so Booker could do whatever he wanted right now if he wasn't a cheap shot-ing bitch. Joe says he's going to storm the ring, and invites Christian, Rhino, and LAX to help him beat up Team 3D and Booker T worse than they beat up AJ Styles last week. Unfortunately, they don't have the brains to cover the heel entrance, so Team 3D and Booker T just calmly walk up the ramp…and right into AJ Styles. Okay, so that plan was better than it looked. AJ knocks all three with a steel chair, and for some reason the truck decides that this would be a good moment to check with JB in the back.

JB is with Karen Angle, and he tells her that AJ asked her to be here tonight so he could tell her something. She says she doesn't know what he's going to say—she's just grateful he's okay.

That was a good opening segment, save the awkward cut away from the ring.

[Commercial Break]

Not-Crystal is in the back with SoCal Val, Sonjay Dutt, Jay Lethal, and former American Idol "finalist" Ace Young. Val says she's star-struck. Not-Crystal asks what they're going to do about the Rock & Rave Infection. Sonjay fields the question, saying that while he's always been about peace and love, that's all out the window tonight, as it's about revenge. He then asks Lethal if his head's in the game or if he's just going to keep pacing in the back. Lethal points out that he's under a lot of stress. Sonjay starts to say that it's not too late to call things off, but Val doesn't let him get it out. After they leave, Kong grabs Not-Crystal, and Raesha Saeed tells her that tonight she'll help announce Kong's open challenge.

(1) "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL & SONJAY DUTT (w/ SOCAL VAL and ACE YOUNG) defeat THE ROCK & RAVE INFECTION (w/CHRISTY HEMME)

Dutt flings his petals a little more angrily than usual on his way to the ring. Hermie Sadler's joining the announce team for this match, in a quest to get as many useless people on camera as possible. Dutt and Rave start things off. Dutt hits a Double-Wrap-Around Head Scissors and they both make tags. Hoyt comes in and tries to get Lethal with a Press Slam, but Lethal slips out. Hoyt tags in Rave, and Dutt & Lethal try to get Rave with a combination spin and kick, but Rave rolls out of the way. Sonjay yells at Lethal about the miss, which lets Rave come from behind and shove Dutt into Lethal, knocking Lethal clear out of the ring. The heels isolate Sonjay for a minute, but when Hoyt goes for a Choke Slam it's reversed into a Hurricanrana. Lethal comes in, and he's moving a step faster than usual. Hoyt trips him up from the outside, but when he tries to enter the ring to capitalize, Ace Young trips up him in turn. Lethal rolls up Rave for the win. As Sonjay starts to leave the ring, Lethal asks him to stay so he can ask him something.

[Commercial Break]

Lethal says that there's something he needs to ask Sonjay, who starts looking around guiltily. He's seen it though, he's seen…that he asked Sonjay to be his best man a week ago and Sonjay still hasn't said yes. So now he should say yes like a man. He extends his hand, and Sonjay takes it. Ace Young says there'll be a bachelor party next week, but he's revealing his new music video now, featuring Jay Lethal and SoCal Val. "Not Enough" by Our Lady Peace featuring Jeff Hardy it is not.

Not-Crystal is in the back with The Beautiful People, and she thinks that women like them are the type who give women a bad name. Love points out that every week they give Not-Crystal primo interviews, but she just disses them, so now she'll get the brown paper bag treatment. Holla. They shove a bag over Not-Crystal and push her away. We shouldn't hate them cause they're beautiful—hate the game. Huh? She's upset she has to be in the ring with that hideous Roxxi tonight. Velvet says that tonight beauty will slay the beast, and that we can look but never ever touch. She kisses the camera goodbye.

[Commercial Break]

(2) ANGELINA LOVE (w/VELVET SKY) defeats ROXXI LEVEAUX

Roxxi starts things hot, just beating the living daylights out of Love. The crowd is behind her, but not as much as they would have been had they done this match last week. She goes to attack Sky outside the ring, which buys Love enough time to recover and hit a clothesline. She pounds Roxxi against the mat and beats her down in the corner. Roxxi reverses a charge in the corner with an elbow to the face, but Love comes back with a jumping kick for two. She throws a mini-tantrum, which allows Roxxi to get to her feet and hit a Fall Away Slam. Roxxi gets to her feet first and takes down Love with a series of forearms. A Big Boot gets two. Sky gets up on the apron, but Roxxi knocks her off. Love tries to attack from behind, but Roxxi reverses into a School Girl for two. She goes for the Voodoo Drop, but Love shoves her off into the ropes, where Velvet Sky nails her with hair spray to the eyes. She stumbles back into a reverse STO from Love for the loss.
After the match, The Beautiful People put a brown bag on Roxxi's head and start teeing off with kicks. ODB starts coming to the ring, along with Gail Kim on crutches. ODB gets sick of moving slowly, so she grabs one of Kim's crutches and charges the ring to ward off the heels.

Cornette wants JB to explain his thought process in helping Kong beat up a fan. Before he can answer Cornette explodes, and I swear it looks like his head's going to pop. JB eventually gets out that Kong said it would be either him or the fans, but Cornette says he would have paid JB half his salary while convalescing. JB pulls out last week's ratings, and says that Kong's segment was the highest rated on the show. The fans love it, cause we love violence. Cornette says it's okay, as long as they eep-kay is-thay um-fray e-thay osses-bay and make sure the "clueless putzes" sign the release forms. I'm not usually a Cornette fan, but their comedic timing and delivery here were pitch perfect. Booker T storms into the office with Team 3D in tow. He wants to know why his locker room smells like piss, but Cornette says that if it's good enough for everyone else it's good enough for him. Booker says that he's better than everyone else. Cornette tells him if he doesn't like the dressing room he can get dressed in his car, but Booker would rather take Cornette's nice office. He gets in Cornette's face, who remembers he has to make an announcement in the ring, but suggests that they be gone by the time he gets back.

[Commercial Break]

Eric Young is looking for Elvis in Sun Studios. This time they at least have the brains to air this garbage right before the hour. Poor Eric Young. He deserves better.

Cornette is in the ring, and he announces that Slammiversary will have AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle. That's a big match. Also LAX will be defending against Team 3D. He then warns Team 3D in the back that he's headed to his office now, so they better leave. Before he can leave the ring, Nash's music hits and Big Sexy himself saunters to the ring. Nash says that over his music and the crowd response he couldn't make out what Cornette was saying. Cornette says he was telling Booker to leave his office, and Nash asks him what he'll do if they don't. The TNA crackpot security team couldn't control the crowd at a Jonas Brothers concert. Right now the three men in his office are playing rock-paper-scissors to see which of them gets to take a dump on his desk. He's already lost control of his office, and if he's not careful he'll lose control of the whole show. Nash offers to help; when Cornette asks his price, Nash says he wants to be the special enforcer for the King of the Mountain match. Cornette wants to know why he wants that, but Nash suggests they make the fans pay to find out. Cornette accepts, but Nash makes him ask nicely first.

We have another video from Abyss, who's getting released in ten days. All the doctors say that he's cured now, and no longer a danger to himself and to others—but what about society?


[Commercial Break]

They had the good graces to pick the fan to face Awesome Kong during the break.

(3) AWESOME KONG defeats SOME GIRL: LEELA?

Some Girl tries to hit some kicks to the knee, which makes sense. Kong just comes back with power. Leela tries to run up the ramp, but Kong chases her down. Kong gets her back in the ring and BRUTALIZES her with an Awesome Bomb for three.

Nash comes back to Cornette's office, and they're surprised to learn he's Cornette's muscle—I guess they weren't watching after all. Devon points out that it's three against one, but Nash says he has his buddy Louise. Devon says he's crazy, till Nash introduces him to Louise Ville Slugger, with which he chases them out to the ring.

They start a recap package of Rhino and Storm, when they suddenly cut to Rhino beating the hell out of Storm backstage. Jacqueline turns things around by nailing Rhino in the back with a shovel. Security tries to intervene, but Storm fights them off.

[Commercial Break]

Storm and Rhino are still brawling, and just made it into the Impact Zone. Rhino beats Storm along the barricade till Storm gains control at ringside. He tries to Suplex Rhino on the ramp, but the War Machine reverses into a Suplex of his own. He goes to chase off Jacqueline, and walks back into a mouthful of beer. Storm beats Rhino into the announce table and rolls him into the ring.

(4) RHINO defeats JAMES STORM (w/JACQUELINE).

Rhino regains control in the ring, but Storm comes back with a high kick, a knee, and a Neck Breaker.

[Commercial Break]

Rhino is somehow back in control, taking Storm down with a clothesline. He hits a shoulder block in the corner and a Belly-to-Belly Suplex. He tries to follow up with the Gore, but Storm sidesteps and counters with the Last Call. Rhino rolls out of the ring though, and it takes both Storm and Jacqueline to roll him back in for a two count. Storm sets up for another Superkick, but Rhino dodges and kills him with a GORE GORE GORE for three. Wow, Christian is going to get killed in that King of the Mountain match.

They recap Christian's history with Tomko. It's pretty good.

JB is in the weight room with Tomko, and he wants to know if there's any remorse for what he did last week to AJ Styles. He says that after all he did for AJ, AJ just went and got another partner. JB tries to explain, but Tomko loses it. He says that he's sick of hearing about AJ, and how tonight's all about him and how he's going to become World Heavyweight Champion. And how does Christian say it? "If you don't know, now…screw it…Christian—you're dead!" Other than that last line there was nothing very Tomko-y about that promo. They need to calm him down some—I realize that risks turning him face, but better face-and-interesting than heel-and-generic.

[Commercial Break]

(5) CHRISTIAN CAGE defeats TOMKO

Christian's music has been remixed slightly; I wonder why I didn't notice earlier. I think this is the first time these two have faced each other. Tomko attacks Christian as he poses and rips off his entrance-gear. He goes for a Press Slam; Cage tries to reverse into a roll-up but Tomko overpowers him. Christian tries to keep away, but when he goes to the top rope he eats a Big Boot that knocks him all the way to the floor.

[Commercial Break]

Tomko's still in control, hitting Christian with a Power Slam as we come back. He locks in a Chin Lock for a few seconds, but Christian powers out pretty quickly. Tomko knocks him right back down, as Tenay once again announces that Samoa Joe is going to win at Slammiversary by saying no champ ever has. Tomko hits a Fall Away Slam for two. He takes Cage outside, beating him up against the barricade before rolling him back into the ring. He hits a big Delayed Vertical Suplex for a long two count. He sets Christian up in the corner, but when he goes for another Big Boot Christian knocks him back and hits a Tornado DDT. When they get up Tomko tries to Irish Whip Christian, but Cage slides through the legs. Tomko goes for a clothesline, but Christian ducks and hits an Inverted DDT. He tries to follow up with a Frog Splash, but Tomko rolls away and comes back with a Decapitator Clothesline for two. Christian gets back up and positions himself for the Unprettier, but Tomko fights him off and hits a Two-Handed Choke Slam for two. Christian takes him down with a Sunset Flip and hits a Frog Splash for 1, 2…No! Tomko gets up and hits a lifting Neck Breaker for 1…2…No! Christian gets up and goes for the Unprettier, but Tomko reverses it into an attempted Neck Breaker which is re-reversed into an Unprettier for game. That match was awesome—and I probably didn't capture all of it.

JB is in the back with AJ Styles and Karen Angle, but AJ says he'll say what he has to say in the ring. We see Kurt Angle walking somewhere. They're going to put that on after two stellar KOTM qualifiers? That does not seem like a good idea.

[Commercial Break]

Karen Angle is out to the ring first. Why didn't she and AJ come out together? Oh, that's why—AJ's not out. Sure enough, despite his music, AJ's still in the back getting beaten up by Kurt Angle, who also takes the opportunity to clock a random camera guy. After dispatching AJ in what looks like an out-of-place laundry bin Kurt heads to the ring, where he grabs the mic from Karen. Kurt says that he's not going to hurt her, but he wants her to tell the whole world what she did to their marriage and their family by cheating on him with AJ Styles like a cheap prostitute. He starts to say that she's nothing but a who…but before he can finish Karen slaps him in the face. Angle looks ready to burst, but AJ runs out and attacks before he can. Sadly, Angle has back up, as Tomko, Team 3D and Booker T run down and start on AJ. Christian comes out to help, but it's not enough. Rhino is taking his sweet time as Booker hits Cage in the face with a Superkick. Angle keeps beating down AJ as Booker takes out Christian with a Scissors Kick. Where is Rhino?

Where We're Going: See my document on Bound for Glory posted earlier for where I think we should be going—I actually really like that piece. In the meantime, let me say that I am curious regarding where the devil Rhino was in the main event. I don't see him turning heel very easily, but if they get him a mouthpiece it could work. We've already seen what Rhino and Christian can do together, so it might be cool to see what they can do with an inverted alignment.

Star of the Night: Christian Cage.

Overall: This was a very strong show. Ignoring the extremely brief Eric Young and Abyss bits, it was basically solid. Both qualifying matches were extremely high quality for Impact (and fairly high for free TV generally). It would have been nice if they ended on Christian vs. Tomko, but at least Angle spared us from ending on a crummy main event promo. A-


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