By James Caldwell, PWTorch columnist

TNA Impact on Spike TV
June 5, 2008
Taped May 27 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist

OK, I'll get the NBA Finals reference out of the way early. So, apparently the James Earl Jones imitator voice-over man, who has done TNA broadcasts for the last three years, handled the "epic drama" video packages for Celtics vs. Lakers on ABC's pre-show. I thought he was going to slip out a Samoa Joe vs. Kobe Bryant line. Something about weaving together the tapestry of youth into an unbreakable bond that shows the growth of society through the art form of competitive sports. But, I digress.

Opening: After Tenay and West rapid-fire plugged what's on the show that no one will remember, Booker T walked out for the opening match to preview Slammiversary. Robert Roode then walked out as his tag partner. So odd seeing them together after that endless feud. Rhino, then Christian Cage came out as the opposition.

1 -- BOOKER T & ROBERT ROODE vs. RHINO & CHRISTIAN CAGE

Heels beat down on Christian for a while, allowing the announcers to talk about Samoa Joe having the deck stacked against him going into Slammiversary having to defend the TNA Title against the four men in the ring. Honestly, do any of these four men in the ring seem like TNA Title material to give TNA something better than what Joe brings to the table? Not particularly. Rhino took the tag and gave Roode the Gore. He had the pin, but Team 3D jumped into the ring to assault the babyfaces, causing a DQ.

WINNERS: Christian & Rhino via DQ in 5:00. Just a set-up for the post-match. Match was of no consequence. (3/4*)

Post-match: Ray told Devon to get a table, which is so 1998 by the way. Ray gingerly set up the table in the corner, but A.J. Styles stormed the ring to attack 3D. Styles delivered a double clothesline, then the babyfaces came to life to clear the heels from the ring. Of course, Earl Hebner was in the middle of the camera shot to get his face on camera.

Styles then took the mic and went self-deprecation mode that he's not on Christian and Rhino's level. He just wants to be on the same page with Christian. Styles addressed the heels to relay a message to Kurt Angle that he's going to beat the piss out of Angle at the PPV. He's not there to pin Angle, but beat him up. Styles said he's going to beat up Tomko tonight.

Jim Cornette then interjected himself into the segment. He said he's tired of watching those meanies beat up poor little A.J. Styles, so it's time for Styles to do some knocking around. Cornette told Styles not to worry about the Bad Guys interfering, as Kevin Nash will be special enforcer for Styles vs. Tomko.

Video from earlier today: They went to a clip of Samoa Joe training in the ring when Jeremy Borash interrupted to ask Joe about whether he can trust Kevin Nash. He said he's been a bastard and a sonofabitch before, but he's not stupid. Joe said he doesn't trust anybody except for himself. He does what he does in the ring to the best of his ability, and he will prevail at the PPV. Joe said he'll have a face-to-face with Nash later tonight to see where Nash stands.

[Q2]

[Commercial Break]

Backstage: Lauren brought in Velvet Sky and Angelina Love again for another Mean Girls interview. They asked Lauren where her brown paper bag is, which Angelina pulled out. Velvet then took the mic and told Lauren to hold up their trading card in front of her face. She cut a promo about being better than everyone, and being better than the marks who show up to Impact each week. Yes, she said marks. Angelina talked smack about their opponents tonight, then Velvet kissed the camera and left. As usual, Awesome Kong and Raisha interrupted and Raisha said Kong will take out someone. You can't even take Kong seriously with giant lipstick covering the camera.

2 -- VELVET SKY (w/Angelina Love) vs. ODB -- Knockouts street fight

ODB came to the ring sporting a spit cup to toss out her tobacco. She then spit the 'bacco juice in Velvet's face to start things off. Match spilled to the floor, then into the crowd. Of course, they brawled in that usual spot at the base of the grandstands where the PPV poster covers the hole in the wall. Brawl continued to the entrance ramp where Velvet threw a drink on her face. Back in the ring, Velvet with a cover for a two count. She then slapped on an octopus stretch in center ring, but ODB escaped and slapped Velvet across the chest. ODB delivered a fallaway slam, then Angelina and Velvet nearly ran into each other, so ODB kicked Velvet into Angelina. ODB finished off Velvet with a powerslam and made the cover for the win.

Post-match: Angelina snuck in behind ODB and delivered a faceplant. Suddenly, the awkward Roxxi LeVeaux jogged to the ring and tried to attack the divas, but they knocked her down. Gail Kim, off crutches, stormed the ring and evened the odds. She stomped on Velvet in the corner before a very random chunky woman stormed the ring. Like Don West said, there's someone for everyone. Chunky girl cleared the babyfaces, then Angelina put the paper bag on Gail Kim.

WINNER: ODB in 5:00. I'm not even sure why TNA counts pins for their matches, as the post-match activity takes precedence over the vast majority of TV matches. Wrestlers should just lay down for a pin, then when the final bell sounds, start pounding on the other person and leave the person knocked out in the ring with the final word on the conflict. That aside, good build-up of the heels for viewers to keep tuning in to finally see them get their comeuppance. I have no idea why they needed another woman in the Mean Girls group, but 58 women on the roster apparently isn't enough.

Lethal's Bachelor Party: They went to footage from last night at a "club" where Curry Man and Ace Young sang karaoke. Jeremy Borash, already toasted, then emceed the bachelor party while a stripper danced in the background. Sonjay Dutt tried to have a word for Lethal, but James Storm interrupted and got tossed off the stage. B.G. James had two lines of advice for getting married: learn how to be quiet and take orders. Shark Boy then toasted for the

[Q3]

[Commercial Break]

Eric Young in Memphis: Young went to Graceland, then talked to a statue of Elvis. He left a ticket for the PPV next to the statue.

Announcers: Tenay and West hyped the 6-year anniversary this Sunday. Suddenly, they plugged Petey vs. Kaz for the X Division Title at the PPV. What's the back-story for this feud? Petey hasn't even been on TV in a month. The announcers broke down the rest of the card.

Tenay with Sting: Mike Tenay asked Steve Borden to talk about being linked to Ric Flair. Sting said the same answer is that Flair put him on the map. TNA trying to keep relevant with the Flair reference. Tenay asked Sting about the recent retirement send-off for Flair. Sting said Bret Favre and Flair walked off after great careers, so he's thinking he'd like the same thing.

[Commercial Break]

Video package: Various wrestlers talked about the King of the Mountain match at the PPV. Rhino said you have to climb a ladder 20 feet high in the air to hang the TNA Title to win. No, Rhino, the 20-feet line is for the Elevation X gimmick concept match. Booker said someone is going to get hurt.

In-ring: Shark Boy walked out to the ring for something that wasn't hyped. Christy Hemme then led out Jimmy Rave for this deal. Tenay said the winner of this deal gets a TNA Title shot next week on Impact. They have the Tyler Black formula right in front of their eyes from ROH's PPV, so it will be interesting to see how they play up the guy trying to make himself famous next week. Chris Sabin and Johnny Devine walked out next for this, followed by Kaz.

[Q4]

3 -- X DIVISION KING OF THE MOUNTAIN MATCH

Devine moonsaulted off the top of the penalty box onto Kaz and Sabin as they cut to break.

[Commercial Break]

Sabin pinned Rave out of the break, making Sabin eligible to hang the toy X on the hook above the ring. Ladders were involved in this process, which led to Sabin and Kaz setting up ladders next to each other. They traded blows before returning to the mat where Kaz gave Sabin the Wave of the Future into a ladder. Rave was then let out of the cage after his two minutes in the penalty box expired, so he simply stood around the ring. Sabin with a basement dropkick on Devine as they cut to yet another break.

[Commercial Break]

Back to the action where Kaz and Sabin were battling on top of the penalty box. The phone booth-looking box shook as they each teased spots. Alas, Sabin gave up and flew off the box with a splash onto Curry Man. Kaz then catapulted a ladder into Devine's face before dropping the ladder onto Rave for a pin to become eligible. Suddenly, Devine pinned Kaz to become eligible and send Kaz to the penalty box with Rave.

[Q5 -- second hour]

Devine tried to scale the ladder with the X in hand, but Sabin cut him off. Curry then grabbed Devine and gave him the Spice Rack in center ring. He covered Devine for a pin to become eligible and send Devine to the penalty box. So, three in the box and one on the outside. Curry took forever - I mean forever - to finally set up a ladder to his liking, then Kaz ran out of the penalty box when his time expired and grabbed the X from Curry. Kaz then hung the X on the hook to win the match. Kaz, who just had two minutes to rest, collapsed on the ladder like he just finished a marathon.

WINNER: Kaz in 17:00 to earn a TNA Title shot next week. A decent showcase match for the PPV main event, but the problem is that it featured so many non-descript individuals who haven't been given much of any TV hype recently. They established the rules, but considering how over-done the rules are, they might have been better off leaving the rules to the imagination instead of showing the audience how complicated the deal is. (**)

Video package: More clips of guys talking about the King of the Mountain match.

In-ring: Jeremy Borash brought out Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed for Week 3 of the $25,000 challenge. Borash surveyed the audience, then he selected a few women from the audience. One was Rebecca Bayless. One was Amber O'Neill. I have no complaints about Bayless on my TV. Borash said he recognizes some of them. Borash brought in the third and said he recognizes her as Daffney from WCW. It's so odd seeing Daffney as a normal person instead of the crazy chick with David Flair. Kong selected Daffney to take the challenge. I'm sorry, more Becky Bayless was the right answer. In any event, Daffney hopped over the guardrail to sign the waiver as they cut to break.

[Commercial Break]

4 -- TNA Knockouts champion AWESOME KONG (w/Raisha Saeed) vs. DAFFNEY FROM WCW

Tenay said three pro wrestlers came out of the crowd to get a chance at $25,000 and to impress TNA officials. Daffney went into a fighting stance, but Kong beat her down. Kong put her in a standing thighmaster to crunch Daffney's back and stomach alternatively. On the outside, Kong slammed Daffney into the guardrail, which prompted a much-needed camera shot of Becky, who gasped in fear of Kong. Back in the ring, Kong set up Daffney for the Awesomebomb and connected for the easy win. Another shot of despondent Becky and O'Neill.

WINNER: Kong in 3:00. Poor Daffney. (n/a)

Video package: Another video on the crazy Abyss in the padded room. He provided a rhyme about getting out in three more days set to the tune of Three Blind Mice. Abyss said he won't rest until "it" sleeps. ... Announcers: Tenay and West commented on this becoming more disturbing every week. They drew the amazing conclusion that Abyss plans to be at Slammiversay in three days.

[Q6]

Backstage: Lauren was in Mr. Breck Kevin Nash's locker room to ask him about the special enforcer role tonight. Hey, where's Styles been tonight? Nash, with his super-slicked back hair talked up his baseball bat. Samoa Joe then stormed in and started yelling to Nash. Does he have a normal conversational voice? He accused Nash of all sorts of things, then Nash told him to take the bass out of his voice. Joe simply did that ole smirk and look-away before Nash talked about Joe being his investment. Nash stood up and said he's so tired of this. He said he's done what's best for Joe the entire time. Nash gave Joe the lesson on paranoia being the easiest way to lose the belt, then he handed Joe his baseball bat to take a swing. Joe laughed it off, then shoved the bat back to Nash. He stormed off.

[Commercial Break]

Bachelor Part II: Back to Borash hosting Lethal's party last night. Dutt with a major announcement on the Groomsmen for the wedding. First telegram was from Koko B. Ware, which prompted a bunch of random men to jump up and down. Next is George the Animal Steele. Dutt took off his shirt for the next one: Kamala. The demographic has no idea who these people are. Dutt then brought out Kip James as the obligatory stripper at the bachelor party. Kip hopped on stage and started shaking his ass for cash, apparently from Dutt's tambourine. I give you exhibit A from Bruce Mitchell's column.

In-ring: Christy Hemme was back on my TV again. I have no idea why, but Lance Hoyt followed behind her. The Stripper...er...mega-star Kip James then came out to the ring. Tenay rhetorically asked if there's a more disturbing sight than Dutt slipping dollar bills to Kip James. Suddenly, James Storm came to the ring. I have no idea what's going on here. Tenay finally said it's a six-man tag. Matt Morgan came out next, followed by Salinas and Hector leading out LAX. Salinas always appear to have lipstick all over the place, as if she left some Revlon on a cold adult beverage prior to walking out.

5 -- TNA tag team champions LAX (HOMICIDE & HERNANDEZ w/Hector Guerrero and Salinas) & MATT MORGAN vs. JAMES STORM & KIP JAMES & LANCE HOYT (w/Jimmy Rave)

Suddenly a match started with some wildly-paced action. Tenay announced a six-girl knockouts tag match for the PPV with Beautiful People vs. Gail & ODB & Roxxi. Hoyt put Homicide in the air, then he strummed Homicide's ass like he was playing Guitar Hero and he gave Homicide a fallaway slam. Tenay plugged point-counterpoint with Karen and Kurt later tonight. And, Styles vs. Tomko. Good thing NBA is at halftime. Morgan took a hot tag at 5:00 and cleaned house. Morgan, who hasn't drawn a dime in pro wrestling, had the audacity to do Undertaker's old school on Kip James.

[Q7]

Action broke down as LAX set up a double splash to the outside on the heels. Nice spot, but it meant nothing since back in the ring, Morgan and Kip battled. Morgan with a modified F-5 on Kip for the pin and the win.

WINNERS: Morgan & LAX in 7:00. What's next for Morgan? Is he going to the chokeslam, Tombstone, and two-hand chokebomb because the only way he knows how to perform as a big man is to copy other big men's moves? Match was just thrown out there without any back-story, so it happened, it ended, and we move on. (1/2*)

Backstage: Borash brought in Petey Williams, Scott Steiner, and freak. They're finally on TV. Borash asked Petey about facing Kaz at the PPV, but Steiner interrupted and said Kaz is a nobody. He said Kaz hasn't beaten anyone. Borash whispered that Kaz won Terrordome. "Terrordome?!" Steiner shouted. Nice. He then cut a promo on the Terrordome gimmick match being a circus. There's the biggest babyface in the company. Petey wanted to talk, but Borash said they have to cut to break. Petey started to talk, but they cut to break. So, to recap: TNA gimmick matches are circuses, Petey Williams is a fool, and Steiner is the top babyface in the company.

[Commercial Break]

Kurt vs. Karen: Tenay brought in Kurt Angle and Karen Angle for point-counterpoint on separate satellite feeds. They re-hashed the same old thing for the hundredth time. Karen said he just wanted Kurt's love. Kurt said he loves Karen, but he loves his career too. Kurt accused Styles of sleeping with Styles, then Tenay butted in and asked for proof. Angle told him to shut up and he said Tenay is probably sleeping with his wife too. That was a great line. Kurt started cussing up a storm, then he accused Karen of crossing the line. Wait, she's supposed to cross the line in TNA! Kurt stormed off the set.

Backstage: Styles was watching the p-cp on the monitor, then Borash brought in Styles and said the evidence shows Styles slept around with Karen. Styles said he's done explaining himself to Kurt, then he screamed that he never did anything with Karen. He passionately said he won't make the same mistake of letting Kurt off the hook, so he's going to take him out at the PPV. Nice promo. Well, then again, Glen Gilberti is probably screaming at his TV set because Styles just did a promo before having a match. What is this with guys cutting a promo, then having a match? Absurd!

[Commercial Break]

[Q8]

Lethal Bachelor Party III: ODB interrupted the bachelor party to pound her chest for the guys. Dutt then pulled out a snake from a box and confirmed Jake the Snake Roberts will be at the wedding on Sunday. Dutt might as well have announced High Voltage, as it would have had the same resonance with the demographic.

In-ring: Kevin Nash walked out first for the main event as the special enforcer. Tomko then walked out to wrestle. He pointed to the camera, then A.J. Styles walked out to screams from the women.

6 -- TOMKO vs. A.J. STYLES -- Kevin Nash special enforcer

Bell sounded and Styles took out Tomko on the floor with a flip dive. Tenay with the usual "full court press" line about Styles taking it to Tomko right away. Back in the ring, Styles choked Tomko with his boot while Nash watched intently. Fans chanted hard for Styles while he continued the attack. Meanwhile, NBA doing an injury angle with Paul Pierce. Pro wrestling needs to take note of how to sell an injury angle using the wheelchair as a viable prop. The crowd hush, the close-up shots of pain on the face, the peers gathering around, the carry-off o the locker room, the follow-up shot backstage, the sideline report from the backstage announcer. Hopefully some writers in WWE and TNA are taking notes while watching the game. Back to the match, where Tomko took out Styles on the floor. Nash looked down at Styles as they cut to break.

[Commercial Break]

They returned from break where Styles had Tomko set for the Clash, but heels ran to the ring and distracted Styles. Nash was having none of it, so he took out Robert Roode and Booker T before Styles gave Tomko the Pele soccer kick. He went up top and nailed a frog splash for the pin and the win.

WINNER: Styles in 7:00. Very brief main event TV match that was a mere bridge to the post-match. (*)

Post-match: Kevin Nash stepped over the top rope into the ring and looked down at Styles. Nash helped Styles up, then he helped Hebner raise Styles's arm in victory. Booker then stormed the ring with chair in hand and tried to attack Nash. Styles then took a beating until Christian and Rhino stormed the ring. All heck breaking loose here with Team 3D jumping in. LAX in there! We've got a giant brawl on our hands, punctuated by Samoa Joe storming the ring to clear the heels. Joe, Styles, and Rhino were left standing until Joe traded blows with Booker. Meanwhile, Nash picked up a steel chair and tried to smash Booker, but Booker ducked and Joe took the chair from Nash. Joe clutched his arm in pain while Nash helped him up. Joe threw him aside and shouted, "What are you doing?" End show. Hot final segment that was capped off by a video package hyping the PPV.

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