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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MAY 29, 2008
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
WHAT HAPPENED: 1ST HOUR
-The show opened with clips of the Karen Angle, Kurt Angle, A.J. Styles saga that TNA is committed to (stuck with) despite poor ratings performances in quarter hours whenever this hits the screen. The show is titled "A.J.'s Revenge."
-The TNA Impact opening aired, then pryo blasted in the arena as Mike Tenay introduced the show. He said Styles had big news later, Don West promoted James Storm vs. Rhino and Tomko vs. Christian Cage in King of the Mountain qualifiers.
-Team 3D and Booker T walked out to the ring. Brother Ray said in this sport, guys like them are referred to as "the bad guys." He said, "We do bad things to good people, and we like it." He said Kurt Angle is in Hollywood filming his latest movie project and Tomko is in the back preparing for his match later. He said that leaves them to represent the bad guys. He asked if they are really the bad guys or is it someone else. A picture of Styles was lowered from the rafters. West plugged that it was a blown up trading card image of a new TNA set. Ray said that is the new Styles trading card in the Impact series. He said that card is soon to be a collector's item because nobody can find Styles at that time. Ray said, "A.J. Styles is a scumbag. A.J. Styles is a wife stealer." He also called him an home wrecker and an adulterer. Devon pulled the giant card own and then Ray and Devon stepped on it. Ray said Styles slept with Angle's wife. West interjected, "We don't know that." Ray said it happened while Angle's kids were asleep in the same house. Tenay said there is no proof of those allegations.
Booker said he wanted everyone to know he is "royal-al-tee." He said he arrived in TNA to bring prominence to the scene. Booker said in turn he was promised much, but has received absolutely nothing. He said he had to experience a locker room that smelled of rodents who used the room as a "pissing playground." This is just unpleasant to watch and listen to. It's just dragging on and on, too. Booker asked if that was any way to treat royalty. What I liked about Booker's TNA character is that he was going to move away from the WWE cartoonish character and have more of an edge to him. Instead, he's fallen back on the stale King Booker character and catch-phrases, including talking about "kissing his royal feet."
Devon said that brings them to Hector Guerrero and LAX. Out came LAX. Hector began talking. He said that his boys and him have been discussing their pending fight. He said why put off tomorrow what you can do today. Before they could head to the ring, Christian Cage came out to his music along with Rhino. He asked what the hell Booker has been smoking, then he called him Bob Marley. He said he could care less (he meant could not care less) if he is a "five time, five time, five time, five time, five time WCW Champion." He said around there he is nobody until he's been TNA World Champion. I wonder how Rhino, standing to his right, felt about that. He said he's ready to become a three-time TNA World Champion.
Samoa Joe then walked out. This is 15 minutes into the show. He stood among hte fans, "in the middle of his army," as Tenay put it. He said everybody is getting ahead of themselves. He said he admires Christian's ambition, but he's walking in and out of Slammiversary with the title belt. The crowd chanted, "Joe, Joe, Joe." He said the fans want a champion who goes out there and kicks ass when defending the title belt. He said Booker is "a punk ass cheap shotting bitch." Joe and LAX charged the ring. Booker and Team 3D left the ring in a hurry. From behind, Styles hit Devon with a chair and attacked the heels single-handledely. They cut away mid-brawl, which is annoying. It's like the NFL cutting away as a coach is chewing out a star quarterback or when a G.M. in baseball is kicking dirt on an umpire. Why did they cut away? Because they like to end on a "high note." But when cutting away makes the director the bad guy for not getting that fans would rather watch the brawl play out than some backstage interview, it's a bad idea.
-Jeremy Borash interviewed Karen Angle backstage. He asked but Styles's big announcement is. Karen said she didn't know, but she thanks God that he is all right after last week. Borash asked again if she knows. She said she didn't.
[Commercial Break]
-Mike Tenay and Don West were shown on camera. They threw backstage to Lauren who announced that American Idol finalist Ace Young would be the entertainment at the Black Machismo/So Cal Val wedding. Sonjay Dutt seemed less than pleased with how things were going down. He changed the subject to facing the Rock 'n' Rave Infection. He mocked Machismo why he's been acting so weird lately. Machismo said he's nervous about becoming a married man. Dutt said it's not too late. Cal interrupted and asked what that meant. Dutt just walked away. Ace told everyone to relax and said he has a big surprise for them "right after the fight." Then he said he would show them now. As Lauren tried to follow them, Awesome Kong and Ryesha Saed grabbed her and said another American fan would be hurt. The whole thing felt like a high school play rehearsal. So Cal Val is a sweet character, but her acting is just over the top, and really nobody shined in that overly scripted segment.
1 -- ROCK 'N' RAVE INFECTION (Jimmy Rave & Lance Hoyt w/Christy Hemme) vs. BLACK MACHISMO & SONJAY DUTT (w/So Cal Val, Ace Young)
During ring intros they aired clips of Machismo proposing to So Cal Val a few weeks ago. Hermie Sadler joined Tenay and West on commentary. Oh goodie. He talked about the relationship between TNA, NASCAR, and DirecTV. Good athleticism in the match. Hemme tripped Machismo from ringside as he bounced off the ropes at 5:00. Ace Young returned the favor and tripped Young. Machismo then victory rolled Rave for the win.
WINNERS: Machismo & Dutt in 6:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4
-As they cut to a break, Machismo said he had something to ask Dutt. Dutt looked nervous.
[Commercial Break]
-Machismo pointed at Dutt accusingly and said he's been watching him and there's something he needed to ask him. He said with just ten days left before the wedding, he can't pretend he doesn't know what he's talking about. He then took Dutt off the hook by saying he was upset that Dutt hadn't accepted his offer to be his best man. Dutt breathed a sign of relief and shook Machismo's hand. Sadler was still around and said, "Black Machismo has got his best man, Mike." Thanks, Hermie. Ace Young then pointed at the big screen which played Ace Young's "Addiction" music video. It included clips of So Cal Val and Machismo getting naked in bed together and then stroking each other hair and bodies. And TNA lost a huge chunk of viewers. The video didn't air in its entirety, but the screen said the full video was available at TNAwrestling.com.
-The Beautiful People (Angelina Love & Velvet Sky) gave Lauren a hard time backstage. Lauren said it's women like them who give women like her a bad name. They put a brown paper bag over her head and shoved her away. Angelina Love said she wants to barf at the thought of wrestling Roxxi. She said she only wants to barf when she's trying to get under 95 pounds. Velvet Sky reminded fans to never touch the Beautiful People.
[Commercial Break]
2 -- ROXXI LAVEAUX vs. ANGELINA LOVE (w/Velvet Sky)
Tenay said Gail Kim's MRI revealed a sprained knee. Love rammed Roxxi's head into the mat repeatedly early. At 2:00 Roxxi nearly scored a surprise pin with a schoolgirl. At 3:00 Sky shot hairspray into the eyes of Roxxi for the win. Love sprayed her hair in celebration afterward. After the match Love and Sky put a paper bag over Roxxi's head and stomped on her. That's a great gimmick. ODB and Gail Kim, on crutches, walked out. ODB stole one of Kim's crutches and charged to the ring to clear out the heels.
WINNER: Love in 3:00. Okay action.
-Borash interviewed Jim Cornette backstage. Cornette asked Borash to explain what happened when Awesome Kong beat up a fan. When Borash began to explain what happened, Cornette threw a major red-faced fit. He asked if Borash was trying to get fired or get TNA sued into the poor house. He said there's going to be a fall guy and Borash is a candidate. Borash said Kong and Ryeesha Saed threatened him. Cornette told him to take one for the team because he'd pay him half his salary while he was in the hospital. Borash showed Cornette that the ratings during that segment were the highest of the show. (They were actually the lowest, but that may have been blamed on the sitdown interview with Sting.) Cornette then reconsidered hating the angle. He then told Borash to be sure the "clueless putzes" sign a release if it happens again. Booker T and Team 3D barged in. Booker demanded to know why his locker room smells like it's been pissed in by rodents. Cornette said if it's good enough for everybody else, it's good enough for him. I like the elitist attitude in Booker, but the references to King Booker reek of a rehashed WWE cartoon character. Cornette got red-faced again. Brother Ray told Cornette to calm down. Cornette said he got matches to organize. He suggested that it might be better for everybody if they find somewhere else to go.
[Commercial Break]
-Eric Young went looking for Elvis in Memphis again. He was in a recording studio with pictures of Elvis on the walls. He then imitated Elvis by speaking into a mic.
WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR
-Cornette stood mid-ring and hyped added Slammiversary matches. What a way to start the second hour. With Cornette standing mid-ring hyping a future PPV event. He announced A.J. Styles vs. Kurt Angle and Team 3D challenging LAX for the TNA Tag Team Titles. Cornette then told Booker T and Team 3D that they better not be in his office when he gets back there. Kevin Nash's ring intro interrupted. He entered the ring and apologized that with his music and the crowd response, it was tough to hear the last thing he said. Cornette repeated his ultimatum to Booker and Team 3D. Nash asked "or what?" He said the security he's hired couldn't stop those three thugs. He said they're playing "paper, rock, scissors" to determine who takes a dump on their desk. He said when his heavy Matt Morgan isn't there, he's got to deal with it. Cornette asked him what he wants. Nash said it's apparent he's lost control of his office, and he asked if he's ready to do what it takes to keep control of his company. He asked if he wants his help. Cornette said if he wants to help him, there must be something he wants in return. Nash said he'd go back to his office and take care of those three and he can make him the special enforcer at the King of the Mountain match. Tenay said, "Boy, that Nash is smooth, isn't he?" Cornette asked why he so badly wanted to be involved in the match. Nash said Cornette is a businessman, so shouldn't he make the fans pay to get that answer. Cornette said he had a deal. Nash added that he has to ask him nicely. Cornette gladly did just that. They shook hands.
-They went to another "disturbing" video of Abyss. He said the doctors said he can go home in two days. He was rolling on the floor in a straight jacket. He claimed the doctors said he is cured and is no longer a danger to himself.
-Tenay and West were shown on camera. They began to hype the two KOTM qualifiers scheduled when Kong interrupted. Borash led them onto the stage with a release form on a clipboard in hand.
[Commercial Break]
-They showed a fan getting into the ring who accepted the challenge. They showed a few other fans who volunteered during the break, but were rejected. Tenay said the chosen one is a woman named Leeva Bates from Madisonville, Ky. She ran away from Kong early. West said she can only hope to score a lucky "haymaker" against Kong. Kong caught her by her hair and threw her around the ring without letting up her grip. She tried to escape out the ring, but Kong followed her out and dragged her by her hair back toward the ring again. She Awesome Bombed her inside the ring for the win.
-They went backstage where Borash was trying to talk Booker and Team 3D out of Cornette's locker room. Nash entered. They told him to go away as they were busy. Nash told them to leave. Team 3D and Booker asked if he was Cornette's bodyguard or something. Nash said for tonight he is. Devon asked what he could do without anyone backing him up. Nash pulled a baseball bat out from behind his back and began swinging it including at a picture on the wall and something on the desk. The heels fled. Nash asked where they were going so fast. He said it's nothing personal, just business.
-Tenay and West threw to a video package on James Storm vs. Rhino. They cut away from the video to Rhino and Storm brawling already. Jacqueline hit Rhino in the back with a steel shovel.
[Commercial Break]
3 -- "COWBOY" JAMES STORM vs. RHINO - King of the Mountain Qualifier
They brawled toward the ring. Rhino suplexed Storm onto the ramp, then chased Jacqueline away from him. Storm spit beer in Rhino's face to take control, then threw his face into the announce table and threw him into the security railing. When they entered the ring, the match officially began. Storm settled into a chinlock with his knee driven into Rhino's back. At 2:00 they cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Storm sidestepped an attempted Gore. A minute later, though, Rhino ducked a superkick and did nail the Gore for a clean win.
WINNER: Rhino in 7:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4
-A video package aired on the relationship between Christian and A.J. Styles, and how Styles and Tomko left Christian to allign with Kurt Angle. They hyped Christian vs. Tomko. The voiceover said there is hatred that needs to be settled.
-Borash asked Tomko if there was any remourse for what he did to Styles last week. Tomko said screw A.J. He said he's stick of hearing about him and it's Tomko time now. He said he'll beat Christian and then become TNA Champion.
[Commercial Break]
-West hyped upcoming live TNA events.
4 -- CHRISTIAN vs. TOMKO - King of the Mountain Qualifying Match
Tomko yanked Christian off the ropes as he was posing during his ring intro music. Tenay talked about how well these two know each other. Christian caught Tomko with a boot to the face. Tomko, though, fired back with a big boot to knock Christian to the floor. They cut to a break at 1:00.
[Commercial Break]
Tomko continued to dominate after the break. At 9:00 Christian finally made a comeback. He avoided a Tomko clothesline, hit an inverted DDT, and then climbed to the top rope. He went for a frog splash, but Tomko moved. Tomko then nailed Christian with a hard clothesline for a two count. Christian came back with an Unprettier. Tomko blocked it and double-throttle chokeslammed Christian for a near fall. West did a great job selling it as a convincing near fall. Tomko pounded Christian in the corner with some punches. Christian powerbombed Tomko off of him, then hit the frog splash for a near fall at 10:00. A minute later Christian slipped out of an inverted body vice attempt, then hit the Unprettier for the win.
WINNER: Christian in 12:00.
STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Good TV match. Maybe a little too one-sided and one-dimentional in the first half, although not bad, but it finished on a series of dramatic near falls.
-They went backstage to Borash, Styles, and Karen. Styles said in a few minutes he's going to walk out to the ring and tell the whole world. He told Karen "ladies first" and pointed her toward the ring.
-They showed Kurt Angle walking backstage, making his first appearance of the night.
[Commercial Break]
-Karen entered the ring first, then Styles's intro music played as Tenay continued to express concern that Angle was present, calling him Karen's estranged husband. Styles didn't walk out. They cut to the back where Angle had jumped Styles and was stomping away at him. Kurt shoved his boot onto Styles's throat. West said Angle is convinced that something is going on between Styles and Karen. West said he should just hear Styles out, but he just couldn't hold back. An angry Angle then headed to the ring as a worried Karen waited for his arrival. Angle got in her face and asked her who she was expecting. He said he's not going to hurt her. He insisted that he tell the whole how she ruined their marriage and what she did to her family. He said she cheated on him like a lowly prostitute. She slapped him before he could call her a hooker. Angle took off his jacket and threw it to the mat. Styles charged to the ring and jumped Angle from behind. He stomped and punched Angle. Team 3D, Booker, and Tomko ran out and pryed Styles off of Angle and then gave him a beatdown. Booker gave Christian a superkick as Team 3D held him. Good heat-generating attack by the heels to close the show and build the PPV match. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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