Email This Article - Contact Us - VIP Sign-Up - Back to Home Page

|

Where We've Been: By my count, two of the last three weeks have been weak—others would say three of three, but a brief (albeit statistically negligible) ratings spike suggests the crowd agrees with me. In any event, the shows have been notable for their glaring logic holes, which is actually a trap TNA had managed to largely avoid thus far. I guess when you play like the big boys you get the good with the bad. But if having storylines where characters gratuitously jump to absurd conclusions and get furious at their fiancées because they lost their engagement rings after refusing to get married right after their first wedding was interrupted by an irate guru [pause for a deep breath] carries with it the need for giant logic holes to explain people acting patently irrationally, you have to wonder what the good is. There is a nice irony to the fact that, after SoCal Val's lost wedding ring baffled Jay Lethal, it took Super Eric to think of watching the show. You could spin that nicely—in the crazy world of wrestling, only the man in the cape is truly sane. Sadly, while they say you can't read too much into a great film, the same does not hold for TNA Impact.

The Show

We're sticking with the awesome videogame entrance. Tenay is in the ring to start, and he throws it to JB in the crowd. They remind us that Team 3D & Beer Money will be taking on LAX, Christian, & Rhino. He throws it to not-Chrystal and BG James, who I think referred to the fans as "wool socks." Tonight's main event will be an 8-man no-DQ gauntlet.

(1) ROXXI defeats JACQUELINE

Traci Brooks is our special guest referee. Roxxi, who lost the "Leveaux" when I wasn't paying attention, starts things off with the classic strategy of tossing weapons to her opponent in the ring. Thankfully Ms. Jackie doesn't take advantage, and Roxxi starts in control. She eats a Drop Toe Hold into a chair—she absorbs the damage with her arm and, to her credit, then sells the arm instead of the head. Ms. Jackie follows up with some cookie sheet shots, but then gets caught with a Side Slam onto a chair. Jacqueline gets up firing, but when she goes for a chair Roxxi knocks it back into her with a Big Boot, and follows up with a Voodoo Drop for the win.

Not-Crystal reminds Christian that Brother Ray promised a return of the glass table, which he didn't actually. Christian hasn't forgotten what the glass table felt like, or the four hours he spent in the emergency room. Four hours? The man has clearly never been within spitting distance of an ER. Four hours is maybe enough to see the first insurance forms. He acknowledges that Team 3D is the greatest tag team of all time, but says it's only because he decided to become a singles wrestler. Now that he's found a partner, they're trying to put out his team before they can knock Team 3D off that pedestal. Rhino asks what they're going to do when he sets the glass table up in the corner and puts them through it with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

[Commercial Break]

JB's in the back with SoCal Val, but before he can ask anything Super Eric pops in and says the case has been solved. She seems surprised, as apparently the violence in wrestling is too extreme for her to even watch the Prince Justice Brotherhood segments. I just explained that to Rachael, who rightly asked why someone who can't stand violence would get a job in wrestling. Huh. Anyway, Super Eric tells her that Sonjay stole the ring, but she doesn't believe it. At this point she better be heel.

(2) "THE GURU" SONJAY DUTT defeats CURRY MAN

Curry Man hits some Arm Drags and a Scoop Slam before randomly pausing to do "the robot". That is definitely a sentence I never expected to type. Val comes down the ramp as Sonjay takes control for a second. He gets distracted though, and Curry Man hits a Hip Attack in the corner. Sonjay catches him with an Eye Rake, and then hits a wicked sequence: a Bulldog into the Turnbuckle, a Seesaw Kick, and a Slingshot Body Press, then gets added leverage from the ropes for the win.
After the match, Curry Man looks over at SoCal Val, which lets Sonjay hit a low blow and sneak away. He runs into Shark Boy on the ramp, who rolls him back into the ring. Super Eric greets him there, where he knocks him down and pulls the ring from Sonjay's tights. Val's not happy, but Sonjay says he subconsciously thought she left him the ring on purpose as a sign that she was ready to leave Jay. The crowd wants Lethal. Sonjay tells Val he's thrilled that she got her ring back, and they share a friendly hug.

Not-Crystal is in the back with Beer Money and Team 3D, and as Brother Ray tries to look down her shirt she asks why they need a gimmick match tonight. He says that no one wants to see an old-fashioned wrestling match, cause they're like sleeping with her—boring! He says that their not the best wrestlers in the world, but they drink, they fight, and they @#!@. He says Rhino's got an X on his back, and he's going through a glass table. Storm says an X on Rhino's back is like a helipad, and that he likes Team 3D cause they're just like him.

[Commercial Break]

Sheik Abdul Bashir thinks we're greedy, gluttonous, and polluting. Again, he stays narrowly on the "bad but not patently absurd" side of the America-hating line.

Consequences Creed has to enter without videogame accompaniment, though we're told he has gotten a title match at Hard Justice.

(3) JAY LETHAL & CONSEQUENCES CREED defeat THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS.

Wow, the Random-match Generator 3000 has been kind to us this week. Shelley and Lethal start off with a lucha libre extravaganza. It ends in a stalemate, so they tag in their respective partners. Sabin and Creed start off similarly, but when Sabin gets control with a Head Scissors Creed switches to striking. He reverses Sabin coming off the ropes with a Rolling Clothesline and makes the tag to Lethal. Sabin goes for an Octopus, but Lethal fights it off. The Guns go for some quick-fire tags and tandem offense, much to the delight of the crowd. Lethal's in trouble, taking a new double-team move: a Surfboard into a Running Bulldog. He takes a kick to the back of the head into a dropkick for a long two count. Lethal ducks an attempted clothesline from Shelly, Back Body Drops him out to the floor, knocks down Sabin, and gets the tag into Creed. Shelley tries to leap in from the outside, but Creed catches him and hits a TKO. Sabin comes back in, and they nail a brutal move where they stretch Creed over Sabin's knees and Shelley hits a flip off the top rope. Lethal breaks up the count at two, and things get crazy. Lethal and Creed start doing feints and setting the Guns up for each other hitting rapid fire moves. After Lethal takes Sabin out with a Suicide Dive Creed dodges a charge in the corner and pins Shelley with a School Boy.
After the match, Sabin shakes hands with Lethal and Creed, but Shelley shoves Creed back.

Frank Trigg is on Karen's Angle, and he tries to steer the conversation towards her alleged affair with AJ. He talks about how it was hard breaking into MMA, but thankfully he had a supportive wife who was happy to stay home and help him out. He says that Kurt's a great guy, and when she says he's changed Trigg points out that he hasn't changed with respect to anyone but Karen, so it's probably something she did. He says there's been sexual tension between them, and starts to get in her face. She slaps him, and security tries to pull him off, but Frank Trigg > TNA security. In all fairness, a partially arthritic duck > TNA security, so this isn't really that impressive. He says that Kurt is the TNA franchise, and she should show him respect. Trigg storms off.

[Commercial Break]

They recap the history of Kurt-AJ, then run down the card for Hard Justice.

JB is in the back with Kurt Angle, who says that he's the best wrestler ever, and that AJ doesn't really want a Last Man Standing Match. He took AJ under his wing, and turned him from nothing into something. (Take that, AJ's three World Heavyweight Championships!) Kurt says disrespecting him is like spitting in the face of all the American troops.

[Commercial Break]

Not-Crystal is in the back with The Beautiful People, along with Awesome Kong and Raesha Saeed. Love asks Not-Crystal to give her the mic and go away, since all she ever does is disrespect them. They'd love to give her the paper bag treatment, but they have "bigger sluts to fry". Gail Kim, ODB, and Taylor Wilde crossed them, so now they'll have to deal with both beauty and the beast. She says that Kong's going to eat them all at Hard Justice, and it's not clear if she means it metaphorically.

(4) LAX, RHINO, & CHRISTIAN CAGE defeat BEER MONEY & TEAM 3D.

The match starts off as an immediate brawl, culminating with Rhino GOREing the hell out of everyone in a twenty-mile radius. Homicide, Hernandez, and Cage all fly out of the ring, following up the heels with various Planchas.

[Commercial Break]

Not surprisingly, Homicide is being isolated in the ring when we get back. He lures Beer Money over to the ropes, where Hernandez takes them both out with a Slingshot Double Shoulder Tackle. Brother Ray knocks him into the corner, but Hernandez wards him off and flips onto the top rope. Ray cuts him off with a Superplex. Christian comes in, but Ray takes him down with a Back Body Drop. Ray goes to the top rope, where a returning Homicide nails him with a punch to the crotch. Christian takes advantage with a Frankensteiner, and Homicide follows up with a Splash off the top rope. People start coming in and knocking each other in and out of the ring. Hernandez stays in the middle though, cause really, who's going to take him out? When he goes for a Border Toss on Roode, Storm catches him with a Last Call. Cage spits beer in the face of Storm, which lets Homicide win with a Gringo Cutter.
After the match, Johnny Devine brings Brother Ray a kendo stick, so he takes out LAX, Rhino, & Christian. Hernandez gets a 3D. Christian takes a Powerbomb/Neck Breaker from Beer Money, which Tenay says is called the DUI. Devine helps Devon bring in the glass table. Team 3D look to put Rhino through the table, but before they get the chance Beer Money Bomb Homicide through it. Ray and Devon do not look happy about the cooption of their table.

[Commercial Break]

On tonight's TNA Rough Cut, Wilde talks about how low expectations drive her. Everyone agrees that she needs to watch her back now that she's the champ. Roxxi, in an odd comment reminiscent of Eddie Guerrero, says that she's happy to have someone else carry the burden of representing everyone.

(5) AWESOME KONG (w/RAESHA SAEED and THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE) defeats SALINAS

Tenay tells us that Hernandez and Hector Guerrero have taken Homicide to the hospital, thus reducing Salinas's life expectancy to about twenty seconds. Sure enough, that's almost exactly how long it takes for Kong to hit the Awesome Bomb for the win.
After the match, Love grabs a mic and taunts the fallen Salinas. She tells Kim, Wilde, and ODB that this is a preview of what will happen to them at Hard Justice, then tells Kong to "get her again!" Kong, surprisingly obedient, nails Salinas with the Implant Buster. Love isn't sure they made their point, so she sends Velvet Sky to get a chair. Kong is about to Awesome Bomb Salinas onto it when the cavalry comes to make the save. Wilde apparently drew the short straw, as she's left to deal with Kong as Kim & ODB fight off the Beautiful People. Sure enough, Wilde gets knocked down, and is about to get Awesome Bombed into a chair when Abyss's music hits. Wilde makes her escape as Abyss comes to the ring, where Kong gets into his face. Before things can escalate, Saeed intercedes. As Kong leaves, Saeed slap Abyss herself, and a conflicted monster finally is driven to pick up a weapon. Saeed flees, and security comes to get the chair, which isn't a good idea for security. Abyss nails a Black Hole Slam on the guard.

[Commercial Break]

JB is with Booker T and Sharmell in their locker room, and he wants to know whether next week Booker will be the World Heavyweight Champion. Booker tells "Jeremiah" that that's a very good question. He reminds us that two months ago he told the world that Joe couldn't beat him, and he proved that at Victory Road when Joe kept punishing him but still couldn't take him out. Booker says that he's sitting in front of us as the TNA World Heavyweight Championship, which of course he's not. He came to TNA to prove he's the best, and he'll do that Sunday. JB asks if that means Sting will be there. Booker says of Sting wouldn't miss it for the world, and that "the real bat man" will be here tonight as well.

We run down the card of the PPV again, for those who can't remember when we did it five minutes ago.

Not-Crystal is in the back with Samoa Joe, who wants to know why Sting hasn't shown his face for the last three weeks. He's figured out that Sting's not an icon—he's a coward. At Hard Justice he's coming for his belt. People say at Victory Road he went too far, but in truth he didn't go far enough. He showed compassion and mercy, but now his heart is cold.

[Commercial Break]

JB is in the back with AJ, and he says that's he's never seen Angle this focused. Aren't we talking about the man who thought it was a great idea for his wife to leave him so that he could focus on the title? AJ picks up on the line about turning a nobody into a somebody. AJ built this company, and if anyone jumped on the bandwagon, it was Kurt. Now Kurt's mad cause he slept with his wife? AJ already looked him in the eye and told him he didn't do it, so what more can he do? Then Angle compared himself with the troops, when they're heroes and he's just some punk who got lucky and won a gold medal. So he wants Angle to bring Trigg, and bring Tomko, cause when all is said and done he'll be the Last Man Standing. So does Tomko still work for TNA or not?

[Commercial Break]

Just in case people had finally figured out the rules to TNA gauntlets, they've now changed them so that two people will be coming out every two minutes, each with a weapon of their choice. Kurt has new music and a trash can. AJ has a ladder.

(6) SAMOA JOE defeats TOMKO, BOOKER T., MATT MORGAN, AJ STYLES, KURT ANGLE, KIP JAMES, and BG JAMES

AJ drops the ladder to attack Angle in the ring, as the crowd comes alive for him. Angle tries to rally, but AJ nails his high dropkick. He takes the time to bring the ladder into the ring, but that allows Angle to recover and floor him with the trashcan. They brawl away the last minute before the next round of entrances. I guess the music isn't Angle's but generic gauntlet music, as Tomko and Morgan comes down to it. Morgan chases Tomko backstage. Styles goes for the Styles Clash, but Angle Back Body Drops him over the ropes. AJ lands on the apron and comes back in with a Flying Forearm. AJ and Kurt brawl some more, with Kurt eventually hitting a Slingshot that sends AJ into a steel chair in that at some point was set up in the corner. BG and Kip James are out next, and fight along the outside. Angle sets up the ladder in the ring, but AJ shoots him into the ropes and shoves the ladder into him. Angle's head catches the crossbar, and he's instantly busted open. Still, you can't stop Angle, who comes back with an Overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex as blood pours down his face. AJ comes back with a Pele as Samoa Joe and Booker T come out. They both make it to the ring, with Booker sporting "Sting's" black bat.

[Commercial Break]

Angle and AJ are still brawling in the ring. During the break Morgan came back and eliminated Kip James. AJ eliminates Kurt with a low bridge of the ropes, but Booker takes advantage and tosses AJ. Angle cinches in an Angle Lock on AJ on the outside. Samoa Joe is lying on the floor, with Morgan dominating Booker and Tomko on the inside. If you're wondering what happened to BG James, that's a good (if not especially interesting ) question. Tomko and Booker finally work together to toss Morgan, before double-teaming a returning Joe. Booker goes for an Axe Kick by the ropes, but Joe ducks and Booker crotches himself on the ropes. Joe tosses Tomko into him, getting the elimination. Tomko goes to the top rope with a trashcan, but Joe nails the can with a leaping kick and follows up with the Muscle Buster for the win.
After the match, Joe takes the mic and says that the champ is coming for his belt, and after he's done with him, Sting's next. The Stinger's music hits and the lights dim. Sting is waiting in the rafters, but doesn't actually do anything.

Where We're Going: I assume we're heading for Joe-Sting at Bound for Glory, for the simple reason that no one in the world would care about Sting-Booker T. Well, I guess die-hard WCW fans would care, but I'm sure all three of them will get over it anyway. That being said, if Sting's turning heel, they're going about it extremely oddly. A few weeks ago I floated the idea of a Joe turn, and thought it was probably a bad idea, but I think by now they've booked themselves into a corner. I really don't see any way out of this, unless they're willing to pull a title-change at No Surrender onto Kurt Angle, but I doubt they'd mess around that late on their calendar.

Star of the Night: Kurt Angle, for fighting through one of the sicker spots we've seen in ages.

Overall: We were cruising to yet another sub-par outing, but the wrestling machine that is Kurt Angle amid what was a fairly fun brawl anyway elevated things a bit at the end. B-

Comment on this Article Below

(CLICK FOR COMMENTS RULES OR TO REPORT ABUSE) [an error occurred while processing this directive]

(CLICK FOR COMMENTS RULES OR TO REPORT ABUSE)

ALSO DISCUSS MORE SUBJECTS IN OUR PWTORCH FREE FORUM

For more BREAKING NEWS on WWE, TNA!
VISIT OUR AFFILIATE - PROWRESTLING.NET

For UFC NEWS & BLOGS:
VISIT OUR SISTER SITE - MMATORCH.COM

Upgrade to PWTORCH VIP: DETAILS & SIGN-UP INFO

(c) 1999-2009 TDH Communications Inc. - All rights reserved.