Where We Have Been: So it seems like Gail Kim is out. I could point out all the reasons TNA should have forked over the money she wanted, and all the places they could have cut expenses, but I am confident you all can play that game just as well on your own. So I will just express the collective sigh that I am sure is going through the TNA universe right now: sigh. To some extent, I wonder if Kim was a victim of her own success: her work at making the women’s division viable might have led to the elevation of so much talent that she became expendable. So it goes. On the bright side, both Sting and Tomko have allegedly re-upped, so at least the heavyweight division should be getting a boost. It is not much consolation, but it is something. Hopefully tonight we get an end to all the teasing and finally have Sting make his allegiances clear.
The Show: Sting Speaks!
Not-Crystal catches Sting on his way into the ring, and he affirms that tonight the fans will finally hear what he has to say.
Tonight we will see Taylor Wilde & Roxxi vs. the Beautiful People, and Kevin Nash vs. Kurt Angle for a spot in the title match at No Surrender. That is seriously the qualifying match of the night? Are any of these matches going to have an outcome in doubt?
They are still showing footage of Katie Kim.
(1) AWESOME KONG defeats SOUJOURNER SOMETHING-OR-OTHER
Soujourner asked for the toughest competition in her Impact debut, and goes sure enough she goes right after Kong with a series of dropkicks. Kong knocks her out of the ring and chokes her against the barricade. She whips Soujourner into the ring steps and rolls her back into the ring. Sojourner gets in some kicks from the mat, but when she tries to follow up with a Double Axe Handle off the top rope she eats a fist to the midsection. Kong goes for the Spinning Back Fist—it misses once, but Kong catches her with the second attempt. She hits the Awesome Bomb, and that is all she wrote. Has anyone ever kicked out of the Awesome Bomb? It might be the only regularly used finishing move that has never failed to put someone away.
After the match, Saeed slides two chairs into the ring. She stands them up to form a platform as Kong sets up for the Awesome Bomb, but here comes ODB. She has straightened her hair—I wonder if they are trying to make her hot? She tosses Saeed from the ring and goes after Kong, nailing a Tornado DDT off the top rope. With Kong down ODB continues the beat-down as the referees try in vain to pull her off. Eventually security manages to pull her off. Did someone just dominate Awesome Kong?
JB is in the back with AJ Styles, who has a match next week with Christian Cage for a spot in the No Surrender main event. AJ says he is excited to go up against one of the best wrestlers in the world, with whom he has so much history. JB mentions Sting. AJ says he will give Sting just enough benefit of the doubt to let him talk before shoving his fist down his throat. JB asks where the gold medal is, but AJ does not see why he should bother to bring a prize he already won twice.
[Commercial Break]
On Rough Cut this week Consequences Creed talks about how he submitted his information unsolicited to TNA. He met AJ Styles, who floated his name as a replacement for Pacman Jones at Bound for Glory 2007. This was another good one.
(2) JAY LETHAL & CONSEQUENCES CREED defeat SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR & PETEY WILLIAMS (w/RHAKA KHAN)
Lethal and Bashir start things off, but Williams immediately takes issue with his partner. A quick frame flashes WHOISSUICIDE.com so quickly it took me five tries to catch it. Internet buzz suggests that Kaz is coming back under a mask, cause clearly it did wonder for the value of Christopher Daniels to the company (note: I think Curry Man rules, but The Fallen Angel was a main event waiting to happen). Meanwhile, Lethal hits a Double Axe Handle off the top rope for two. He tags in Creed, and they both Juke N Jive for two more. Bashir gets in the tag to Petey, but Creed immediately nails Williams with a Stinger Splash in the corner. Creed goes to follow up off the top rope, but Rhaka Khan knocks him off. Petey makes the cover for two, then nails a Jaw Breaker and a Spinning Wheel Kick. He tags in Bashir, who sends Creed chest first into the corner turnbuckle. Petey comes back in and nails a Body Slam, but when he goes to follow up with a Slingshot Senton Splash Creed rolls away and right into a tag to Lethal. Lethal comes in and decimates Bashir and Williams, culminating with a simultaneous Lethal Combo on Williams/DDT on Bashir. He goes for the Savage Elbow, but Bashir recovers just enough to shove him off the top rope. Petey sets up for the Canadian Destroyer while Bashir goes to the top rope, but Creed shoves Bashir off into Petey. The two foreigners argue, which allows Lethal to hit a quick School Boy roll-up for the win.
After the match Petey and Bashir have words. It will be awesome if this plot ends with Bashir becoming Mini-Sheiky-Pump. Until then, they have a quick pull-apart brawl.
They air a video hyping—line crossing? I have no idea.
Not-Lauren is in the back with ODB, and she wants to know how ODB can possible think she can take on the uber-dominant Kong. She reminds us what Kong did just last week to a fourteen year old girl. Katie Kim is fourteen? Aw hell. There goes that. Anyway, ODB rants about how she likes drinking and fighting, etc.
[Commercial Break]
Abyss is on Karen’s Angle. He says that he wants to be called Chris Parks. He asks if he can make himself more comfortable, so he knocks over her coffee table and sits cross-legged on the floor. She asks about the mental institution, and he says that it was his home. They made him realize that Abyss was a destructive, menacing force that destroyed dreams, but Chris was a good person. He knows not what lies ahead for either Abyss or Chris, but he knows for now that they are one. All he wants to do right now is wrestle, so he challenges anyone to come and face him. He asks her what she looks for in a man, and then reads a poem he wrote for her. It is creepy. She has not had a good run with these. He rips out his hair to give her as a gift. This segment easily cost this show one grade level.
Kip James, along with the beautiful people, is trying to make-over Not-Crystal. Yep, he is clearly worth more than Gail Kim. Velvet Sky says that tonight The Beautiful People will be going up against the wannabe beauty Taylor Wilde and the beast Roxxi. They do not seem to understand that The Beautiful People are in a league of their own: all the women want to be them, and all the men want to be with them. Angelina Love says that she should not be so modest—plenty of women want to be with them too. Holla. She says the belt will make a perfect accessory.
[Commercial Break]
Wow, Disaster Movie looks just awful.
JB is in the back with “former gold-medalist” Kurt Angle and Frank Trigg. Kurt does not much care for his new title; he won his gold-medal with a broken freak’n neck, whereas AJ just hit him with a guitar twice. Kurt says that if AJ shows up Kurt will beat him down and take back his gold medal. JB informs him that AJ said he does not have the medals—I missed that point. Kurt is not happy about that, but Trigg says not to sweat the small stuff. He will take care of Karen and AJ, and will not leave Kurt in the lurch like Tomko did. Is that them writing him off?
(3) CURRY MAN defeats JIMMY RAVE
CM starts things off with a Somersault Plancha onto Rave on the outside. Christy gets in his face, and while he gets her out of the way the distraction is enough for Rave to take control. Rave goes for a quick Rock the World, but Curry Man fights it off and hits a Spinning Wheel Kick. He hits some jabs and a Springboard Cross Body Block for two. He tries to hoist Rave up for some type of Slam, but Rave slips out and nails a kick to the head for two. CM gets up and reverses a charge in the corner with an elbow to the face, then nails a Back Breaker and a Spice Rack for the win.
After the match Christy Hemme slaps Curry Man. He considers slapping back, but Lance Rock attacks from behind. Christy hits a low blow, which lets Rock nail a Power Bomb. Rock & Rave hold Curry Man up while Christy lays in some slaps, but Super Eric and Shark Boy come down to make the save.
Not-Crystal is with Jim Cornette in his office, and he says that if Christy wants to get involved he will make it official—at No Surrender it will be Rock & Rave with Christy Hemme vs. The Prince Justice Brotherhood. Traci Brooks walks in, and Cornette says that since the knockouts are driving him crazy, he will accept her offer from last month. She is now officially the law for the women. He warns her that she might have to cut loose some of her friends when their “shelf life” expires.
[Commercial Break]
Booker T is having a party in his locker room to watch Sting speak, inviting Sharmell, JB, and Team 3D. Booker’s accent is getting progressively more ridiculous. Brother Ray and Devon bicker over who gets to wear which of the various high-class robes in the locker room. Booker T proposes a toast, but when Brother Ray spills champagne on Sharmell he and Devon get booted from the room.
JB is in the back with Kevin Nash, who says that he got this shot by calling in the favor Cornette owed him for being his enforcer a while back. He says he is not in this to be World Champion, but to protect Samoa Joe. That being said, if Joe does not get his head in the game, Big Sexy might just have a sixth world title reign after all. That was a good, ambiguous promo.
[Commercial Break]
Again TNA is at commercial at 10 o’clock—I do not get this logic.
Samoa Joe comes down to the ring because, well, who is going to stop him? Actually he is just going to sit in on commentary.
(4) KURT ANGLE defeats KEVIN NASH
It really is amazing how much presence Kevin Nash brings to the ring. Nash and Kurt circle each other to start, and Kurt blinks first. He rolls out of the ring for a breather. He comes back in and eats a Knee Lift as Joe explains how his temper has led to his success. Kurt Angle goes for a Cross Body Block, but Nash catches him and hits a Scoop Slam. He follows up with an attempted Elbow Drop, but Kurt rolls out of the way. They brawl a bit, which is not really a good idea for Kurt. Nash takes advantage and locks in some sort of Back-Breaker submission. He pounds Angle a bit in the corner. This match is not clicking yet.
[Commercial Break]
Angle is somehow in control when we get back, beating Nash down with a series of fists. He starts working the left leg, locking in the Figure Four. Joe on commentary talks about how a showdown between him and Nash would be money, and then actually does some somewhat interesting analysis of what makes for an a Figure Four more or less effective. Nash rolls over and gets to the ropes. Angle gets up first, but eats a Sidewalk Slam. Both men get up brawling, which is no better an idea for Angle than it was before. Nash nails Snake Eyes, but he is limping. A shoulder block from Nash gets two. Actually I think it might have been three, but the ref did not make the count. Angle rolls out by the commentary table, but when Nash follows him out he takes the opportunity to slap Joe in the face for no discernable reason. Nash rolls Angle into the ring and is about to hit the Jackknife, when Joe gets up on the apron. Nash gets in his face, which gives Angle the chance to nail a low-blow and an Olympic Slam for the win.
After the match Joe gets in the face of Kevin Nash, who just walks away.
[Commercial Break]
Interesting fact: there is no way to spell “Jackknife” such that it looks right. The same goes for “pharaoh”, but that is not really relevant.
They recap the “Mystery of the Guitar.” They show footage of Jarrett, and hype him explicitly, but still do not say his name.
[Commercial Break]
Not-Crystal is in the back with SoCal Val, and I am trying to figure out if I actually could care less. She says that she is sick of their foolishness, and if they want to fight over her, they might as well really do it. Why not put the engagement ring over the six-sided ring and have them fight over her for real? Not-Crystal points out that that is crazy, but Val says it is the only way to finish things. That was actually a turn for the better. It is of course patently absurd, but could be kind of fun.
(5) THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (w/KIP JAMES) defeat ROXXI & TAYLOR WILDE
When did Roxxi get happy bouncy music? I realize “The Voodoo Queen” was a stupid character, but does she have any character now? Roxxi starts things off shoving down Angelina Love. She follows up with a modified Gut Wrench Takedown for two. The crowd is still behind her, despite no capitalization on her heat after the head-shaving. Lest she become too over, she tags in Taylor Wilde. Sky comes in, which turns out not to have been her best idea. Wilde goes all Austin on her, nailing a Lou Thesz Press, complete with haymakers. She goes for a series of punches in the corner, but Kip James distracts the referee while Love nails her with a make-up case to the face. They isolate Wilde a bit, which is something of a surprise. The crowd comes alive for the champion. Love lifts her up by the hair and slams her down to the mat.
[Commercial Break]
We get back just in time for the hot tag, which is odd timing. Roxxi takes it to The Beautiful People, nailing a Sunset Flip for two and a Spine Buster that gets broken up after two more. Taylor comes in and tries to take out Sky, but stupidly goes for a no-look Cross Body Block and whiffs. Sky takes the opportunity to grab a bottle of hairspray, which she sprays at Roxxi. Love hits a Bicycle Kick on the blinded Roxxi for the win.
After the match the give Roxxi the brown paper bag treatment, which provokes Taylor Wilde into slapping Kip in the face. The Beautiful People go on the attack, holding Wilde down as Kip James goes for a pair of scissors. Before he can make the first snip here comes…Rhino? I did not foresee that.
[Commercial Break]
We recap the mystery surrounding Sting these past two months, as another WHOISSUICDE.com frame cuts in.
Sting comes down to the ring, and as much as I love the video game intros I think this much hyped supposedly serious occasion might have been a good time to do without one. Maybe they felt like they had to show Impact fans that Sting is really in the game? Sting reminds us of his sit-down interview with Mike Tenay, when he talked about retiring. He is talking really fast for some reason. He says that he thought about what would happen if he left the business in the hands of the next generation, and he realized that it might just be the death of the company. The next generation spit in the face of the business and the veterans therein. He saw Samoa Joe beat down Booker T when all he had to do was get the 1-2-3. Actually the ref refused to count it, but okay. He says that whether you love him or hate him, Booker T is a gem in this business. The crowd seems behind Sting. He says he tried to talk sense into Joe, but Joe would not listen. When he was just starting Ric Flair took him under his wing, just like Sting brought Joe into TNA, but the difference is that when Ric Flair talked Sting listened. Then there is AJ Styles, who called him coward, and talked like Sting owed him something. The truth is that AJ owes Sting everything, for paving his way into the business. The fact is that most of the young people in the locker room are a bunch of spoiled brats. The crowd cheers, which I do not think was the response we were looking for. He calls on anyone in the back who disagrees with him to come out and say it to his face. AJ takes the bait, coming down to the ring. He says that he never disrespected Sting, but who is Sting to claim that he paved the way for AJ? AJ was there building this company right from day one. Sting says AJ has been as disrespectful as anyone. He should have been happy with the win at Hard Justice, but instead he continued to go after Kurt. Kurt Angle has been a World Champion everywhere, and he has done something none of them have by winning Olympic Gold. Michael Phelps does not spit in the face of Mark Spitz—that is not how it happens. So says that he is going to give AJ a golden opportunity, handing him his bat and turning his back. Sting tells him to take the free shot, because “some of them [the crowd]” are asking him to. That is actually kind of funny, cause I would be willing to bet that he was supposed to say that all the crowd was asking for it, but could not hide the fact that they were mostly behind him. He goads AJ into swinging, but then spins around before the bat connects and nails AJ with a Scorpion Death Drop. Jarrett’s music starts playing, and Sting looks aggravated.
That segment was awesome.
Where We Are Going: I am actually really looking forward to this young-old feud for which we seem to be headed; I, like Russo, love my factional warfare. I also have to say the way they are building Jarrett is starting to grow on me. I actually really like this approach. They clearly are not trying to hide who it is, as evidenced by the fact that they are airing video footage of him. They are not pretending to be stupid, they are just making it seem like such a big deal that they are afraid to put words to it till they are certain he is really back. When he comes back and they finally say it, that will be a big moment, and, as I have often said, wrestling is a game of moments.
Star of the Night: Sting. That promo was art—he really sold me on the turn.
Overall: I was almost looking forward to giving this show a bad grade, but then Sting had to go and ruin it for me. They have spent months indirectly hyping that promo, and I think he pulled it off. That makes up for a lot of garbage. It would get a B+, but as a result of Karen’s Angle we will just go ahead and call it a B.
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