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Where We've Been: The main event at No Surrender is set, with Samoa Joe defending his title in an absurdly named Fatal Four Way against Kurt Angle, Booker T, and Christian Cage. This raises several interesting questions. For example: is it worth half my disposable income to see a slapdash multi-person main event? This segues obviously into the question of why I have such a cruddy job, but we'll table that one. More relevantly, the best question is what the devil they're planning to do with The Prince of Phenomenal. After stealing the show last month along with Kurt Angle, he certainly seems to be relegated to afterthought status. Nevertheless, Sting is looking for an opponent—Joe clearly leads the new breed, but AJ follows at a close second. AJ-Sting has the potential to answer two of my three questions, as it would potentially dwarf the supposed main event in terms of long-term significance, in-ring action, and PPV sell-ability.

The Show: Double Trouble for Sting

JB asks an arriving Sting what he has in store for tonight, and he says he's here for Jarrett.

We get the video-game intro. I hear the game is getting mediocre reviews. That's disappointing.

Samoa Joe hits the ring, belt and security in tow. He says that he doesn't care if it takes away from his focus, but he's not leaving here tonight without Sting's head on a sliver platter. Instead he gets Kevin Nash, but before Nash can get out a sentence Joe tells him he's next in line after Sting. Nash says Joe has a point. He feels like the drinking, smoking, father who tells his kid not to smoke and drink. But this is about the championship, and Joe's opponents at No Surrender won't care what's happening with Sting. Nash has a proposal: he's got three opponents lined up for Joe tonight, and Joe should go through all three to prove he's ready.

Not-Crystal is in the back with The Beautiful People, and she wants to know why Angelina Love seems more concerned with tonight's beauty contest than Sunday's title match. For those who are curious, Rachael is, as predicted, annoyed by this contest. Love says that beauty is everything. Not-Crystal announces that Abyss's open challenge is next, and Christian Cage walks by smirking.

[Commercial Break]

(1) CHRISTIAN CAGE defeats ABYSS

I'm confident this match won't end with any shenanigans or outside interference. Cage comes out early with some quick jabs, but Abyss just knocks him down with a shoulder. Cage gets up and goes for quick chops, but this time it's a punch that takes him down. He takes a butt-bump in the corner for two. Cage tries to fight back, but gets tossed into the air. A second attempt at a butt-bump whiffs, and Cage finally gets Abyss off his feet with a Corkscrew Elbow for two. Cage takes Abyss back down with a dropkick to the knee, but when he tries to follow up with a Frog Splash Abyss catches him in a Choke Slam. Cage slips out and goes for an Unprettier, Abyss reverses into a Back Body Drop, Cage lands on his feet, but then Abyss connects with his second attempt at the Chokeslam for two. Abyss takes Christian up onto his shoulders, but Cage slips out and nails the Unprettier. Kurt Angle runs down and breaks up the pin attempt, drawing the DQ. Booker T joins Angle in an assault. Angle gets a chair and tosses it to Abyss, who's still standing in the ring looking confused. He drops the chair and punches Angle, so Booker and Angle take down Abyss. Matt Morgan runs down to make the save, and challenges Booker & Angle to a tag match later tonight.

[Commercial Break]

JB is in the ring, and he introduces The Prince Justice Brotherhood as the judges for tonight's beauty pageant. The Beautiful People come out first, and it seems to be time for the evening gown competition. Taylor Wilde is out next, and she tries to hit her trademark salute while still looking elegant. It's kind of awkward. Both Taylor and Love look good, but they're hardly the two most attractive women in wrestling (Mickie James and either Gail Kim or Velvet Sky)(assuming Katie Kim is too young and Trish isn't coming back). They strut a bit. Curry Man picks Angelina Love, Shark Boy takes Taylor Wilde, and Super Eric casts the deciding vote in favor of Taylor Wilde. The crowd mostly, but not unanimously, approves.

We see a video package hyping AJ Styles. That's appreciated, but random.

Not-Crystal is in the back with Sonjay Dutt. I don't even remember what Crystal looks like—maybe it's time to drop that name? I'm talking about this so I can pretend that Sonjay Dutt is doing something worthwhile with his career.

[Commercial Break]

Sting is on Karen's Angle? His career really is on the down slope. Karen talks about how he's demanding respect for veterans, but Sting corrects her to say that he's looking for respect for the whole business. He was about to retire, but he thought back to the way people treated Ric Flair when he was getting into the business, and how no matter what you thought of the people who paved the way you showed them respect. Karen asks how Sting thinks Jarrett is going to fit into this issue, and he doesn't know. Rachael asks me if Sting is still going for a heel-ish vibe, and I think the answer's yes.

They run down the card for No Surrender. Bashir has been added to the X Division Title Match to compensate for the referee's involvement last week, and at some point they booked Team 3D vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan.

AJ Styles comes down to the ring and calls out Frank Trigg. Really?

[Commercial Break]

Trigg hits the ring and says that he could make out the gist of what AJ was saying despite his hill-billy accent, so he decided to come down. He's heard that AJ was a decent amateur wrestler, but Trigg was an MMA fighter and is trained to hurt people. He might have just implied that wrestling is fake, but that's cool. Trigg challenges AJ to an MMA fight at No Surrender. There go my dreams of AJ vs. Sting. This match will either be awesome or a train-wreck.

Not-Crystal is in the back with Christian Cage, and he says that while he might not be the biggest or the strongest or the fastest, he'll always fight. It'll take more than the beating Angle and Booker gave him earlier to keep him down. Besides, this isn't just any PPV, it's a PPV just one hour from his hometown in Toronto. It's one hour from where he first flipped the TV to professional wrestling, from where he would wrestle in the backyards with his brothers, from where he took money from his student loans to pay for wrestling schools, from where he cut his teeth, from where he wrestled his first wrestling for just $10, and from where all his family and friends will be at home watching. It might be one hour away, but he'll become champion in just three seconds. That was awesome. Rachael says that they should give him the belt to make him stay, and I can't say I disagree.

[Commercial Break]

We're back for round two of the beauty pageant. It's the bikini contest; Taylor goes first, and she's looking nice. Don West implies that Angelina Love is really a stripper. Before Love takes off her robe, she goes over to Curry Man and Shark Boy, to give them a closer look. Has she always been that thin? Someone seriously needs to get that woman a sandwich. Don West: "J-Lo's jealous of that butt." Super Eric votes first for Taylor Wilde. Curry Man is not happy with him. He and Shark Boy give the win to Angelina Love. That's a good thing, cause they didn't have enough booked for later if this ended in two rounds.

For contrast's sake, they recap the budding ODB-Awesome Kong feud.

Speaking of Kong, she hits the ring with a pipe in hand. Roxxi comes down next with a shopping cart full of weapons.

(2) AWESOME KONG (w/RAESHA SAEED) defeats ROXXI

Roxxi tries to shove the cart into Kong, but Kong sidesteps and just starts pounding on her. She picks up the cart and throws it—that misses, but she just tosses Roxxi over the barricade anyway. She hits a Two-Handed Choke Slam out among the crowd. She tosses Roxxi back to ringside, but when she tries to whip her into the steps Roxxi stops herself and slams Kong's face into the steel.

[Commercial Break]

Kong is swinging the pipe ninja-style in the ring, but Roxxi takes a cue from Indian Jones and just kicks her in the gut. She hits a series of strikes, and actually manages to take Kong off her feet with a Big Boot for two. Roxxi sets up a chair, Drop Toe Holds Kong into the rim, and then hits a Facebuster onto the seat for two. Kong, moderately miffed, gets up and clotheslines Roxxi's head off. She lays a chair down in the ring and Body Slams Roxxi onto it. She tries for a Splash off the second rope, but Roxxi dodges and makes a cover for two. Roxxi decides to argue the two-count, which gives Kong a chance to get up and hurl the chair into her head. Roxxi is badly busted open, so Kong finishes her off with an Awesome Bomb.
After the match, Kong licks some of Roxxi's blood. That cannot be healthy. Saeed makes a platform out of steel chairs, but before Kong can use it, ODB comes down to make the save. Kong wants no part of ODB, so she uses referee Slick Johnson as a hostage to escape. Johnson makes the foolish mistake of sticking around after that, so a frustrated ODB whacks him with the chair.

[Commercial Break]

They're remaking The Day the Earth Stood Still? That could be awesome.

(3) SAMOA JOE defeats JOHNNY DEVINE

Devine starts things off on the offensive, but when he tries for something off the top rope Joe catches him and nails a Death Valley Driver for three. Hey, remember when he was X Division Champion?

(4) SAMOA JOE defeats LANCE ROCK (w/JIMMY RAVE & CHRISTY HEMME)

Joe chases Rave out of the ring, so Rock attacks from behind. He gives Joe a bit of breathing room though, so Joe comes back with some shots to the midsection. Rock goes for a move off the top rope, but Joe just walks away. He takes Rock down with a running kick to the face, and then locks in the Kokido Clutch for the win.

(5) SAMOA JOE defeats TOMKO

I feel bad for Lance Rock. He's really as good in the ring as Tomko, but he's a joke while Tomko is the legitimate opposition. Joe trades blows with Tomko in the ring till he's able to rush him into the corner. Joe lands a clothesline, but as Tomko gets up he responds with a big clothesline of his own. He locks in a Sleeper, but Joe powers out and nails a Superkick. Joe sets Tomko up for a Muscle Buster in the corner, but Tomko fights it off. Tomko tries to come down with a Double Axe Handle, but Joe catches him with an Inverted Atomic Drop and hits a Senton Splash for two. Tomko gets up and rushes Joe, but Joe catches him with a Snap Power Slam for two. Joe lets Tomko get up, which proves a mistake when Tomko nails an impressive Two-Handed Choke Slam for a long two count. Tomko looks for a Jackknife, but Joe reverses it into a Back Body Drop. He charges Tomko in the corner, but Tomko dodges. Tomko tries a charge of his own, but Joe catches him in mid-air with a Yurinagi. Tomko is gone, so Joe puts him away with a Muscle Buster.
After the match, Nash goes into the ring and tells Joe that he's clearly more than ready. He says he's taught Joe all he knows, so from now on Joe's on his own. They share a hug, and Nash actually kisses Joe on the top of his head. That was bizarrely sweet.

[Commercial Break]

It's time for the talent competition between Taylor Wilde and Angelina Love. The Beautiful People will begin with an "Oral Presentation". Velvet Sky starts things off with a knock-knock joke ("orange you glad you're not Taylor Wilde?), Angelina Love reveals a limerick she wrote about Taylor Wilde being nailed by the whole football team, and they try to do a round of "Row Row Row Your Boat" but can't remember the lyrics. Taylor Wilde, who we're told plays seven instruments, shows off some drumming. I'm pretty much tone deaf, but she sounded pretty good to me. I guess the whole point of this was letting Taylor thank her parents for years of drum lessons? Curry Man still votes for Angelina Love, but Shark Boy and Super Eric give the final win to Taylor Wilde. She's bizarrely happy about that. JB gives her a tiara, a bouquet of roses, and a sash reading "Beautiful People". Kip James gets in Taylor Wilde's face, so she slaps him. An ambush ensues, with The Beautiful People attacking while Kip James holds The Prince Justice Brotherhood at bay. Rhino runs down to make the save.

TNA tells us to Cross the Line, then they hype Sunday's main-event.

(6) BOOKER T & KURT ANGLE defeat ABYSS & "THE BLUEPRINT" MATT MORGAN

Poor Matt Morgan doesn't get a video-game entrance. He and Angle start things off. Kurt tries to get control with a Waist Lock, but Morgan brushes him off and charges him in the corner. Abyss makes the tag and starts working over Angle in the corner. Kurt takes control with a poke to the eyes and a series of European Uppercuts. He tries to go off the ropes, but runs right into Abyss's boot. Booker T breaks up the ensuing count at two, and things break down. Seriously? Booker T needed to break up a cover on Kurt Angle after a boot?

[Commercial Break]

Angle is in control of Morgan when we get back. It doesn't last long though, as Morgan no-sells some punches and hits a Delayed Body Slam on Angle. Booker nails a cheap shot to the back of Morgan's head, which allows Angle to make the tag. Booker is in control, beating Morgan down against the mat. He tags back in Angle, who keeps the beating going. Morgan blocks an attempted Vertical Suplex though, and reverses it into one of his own. He gets to Abyss, who comes in and takes it to both Angle and Booker. They fight out of a Double Chokeslam, but he nails a Double Clothesline instead. He goes to focus on Booker T, so Angle attacks from behind. Morgan knocks Angle out of the ring with a Bicycle Kick, which lets Abyss nail a Black Hole Slam on Booker T. He's too tired to make the cover though, and as he gets up Team 3D run down and whack him in the head with a chair. Angle rolls into a cover for three.

[Commercial Break]

Sting makes it to the ring with four minutes left in the program. I'm confident that Jarrett will be here tonight, and give a long, well reasoned articulation of what he's been up to. Either that or his music will play and we'll see him standing there for ten seconds. Sting says that he knows Jarrett's here. He wants Jeff to know that he's got no beef with him, but wants to make sure it's mutual. Jarrett doesn't answer, so Sting invites Joe to come down while they wait. Joe is up in the rafters though. He questions whether he's really being disrespectful, or if Sting's just being insecure. Joe welcomes Sting to come to No Surrender, cause Joe won't be there alone. Jarrett's music hits, and yep, he sure is standing there.

Where We're Going: I was going to talk about the awesomeness of Tomko being back, but that's really all we get of Jarrett—exactly what we get whenever Sting shows up after his couple of months off. We get weeks of pretty decent hype, and then he spends his first appearance just sort of hanging out. I'm actually trying to come up with a less dramatic way to bring back Jeff Jarrett, and I've got absolutely nothing. Since I've finally remembered to add my email to the end of this, why not make a contest out of this: whomever comes up with the most anti-climactic way they could have brought back Jeff Jarrett will get a shout-out next week.

Star of the Night: Christian Cage.

Overall: Take away Christian's promo and what do you have left? One decent match to open the show which ends with the inevitable non-finish, two squashes, a semi-squash, a pointless tag team main event, a beauty pageant, and the most anti-climactic moment in professional wrestling since the debut of Glacier (ok, that's probably hyperbole). This was not a good outing. D-

Daniel Wilkenfeld is a graduate student at The Ohio State University. He apologizes for treating tag team names as plural nouns, and can be reached at dawilk316@gmail.com.

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