By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

TNA Impact: Now with virtual-time goodness.

Where We've Been: Last week, TNA broke off from their Originals vs. Imports story line when Team 3D rather inexplicably joined up with the young ones. This made no sense to me, till my father and someone in the comments section last week both pointed out that we could probably expect a Team 3D swerve at the PPV. After I finished the requisite pounding of my head against the wall for missing something so obvious, it occurred to me that the only resolution that made sense last week was one where Team 3D joined AJ and Joe. The consistent thread in this feud has been that Joe and AJ are tough, but really, really, stupid. Even if Team 3D wanted to join the MEM, why wouldn't Kurt send them over to join with the dummies on the other side? The only problem with this scenario is what it does to Rhino, who vouched for Team 3D. If he's not in on the scheme, he's a chump, and if there's one thing TNA won't need for another decade it's another chump face. A heel turn would take care of that problem, but it would require unbalancing the teams again and forcing Rhino to return to the mid-card. The bigger problem is what it would do to the Angle-Rhino feud—while a Finger Poke of Doom would actually make a lot of sense for their match at Final Resolution, it would not exactly be a crowd pleasing ending to what's likely to be the PPV's major selling point. My guess is that we'll end up with heel 3D and chump Rhino; if Team 3D really are on the same side as Joe and AJ, it really is a giant real life betrayal of their own homegrown talent.

For tonight's show, we have booked Rhino vs. Sting, and Joe vs. Booker for the Legends' Championship. They really will let anyone wrestle for that thing. Also, "the governor" will accept the Beautiful People's check for $50,000. If it's Jesse Ventura I'm totally marking out.

The Show: All Hail the Governor

Team 3D is in The Front Line's locker room, where an amusing technical glitch makes Brother Ray sound like a helium inhaling 12 year old as he remonstrates the young ones never to end up like the MEM. For some reason, everyone also looks 12 feet tall.

[Opening Credits]

The Main Event Mafia hit the ring. Nash takes the mic first, and compliments Ray and Devon for pulling a fast one last week. He muses that he and Ray have a lot in common—they're both arrogant, a$$holes, and pretty much care only about themselves. They'll lie to anyone and do anything to get what they want. He offers Team 3D 60 seconds to correct their error and join the MEM, or else their death warrants will be officially signed. Ray and Devon come out to what I think is The Front Line's Music. Ray says that they are AJ & Joe's partners at Final Resolution. He acknowledges that they are the bad guys, but not when it comes to doing the right thing. Que? AJ and Joe represent everything that is right about the wrestling business, whereas the MEM represent the opposite. They have stolen from…no, raped…every company they ever worked for. The crowd, to their credit, boos the switch to rape vocabulary. Ray says that he hopes he and Devon never turn into the MEM, cause they broke the code by betraying the boys. If guys like the MEM dominate there won't be any more TNA. Ray calls down "the boys", and the rest of the Front Line go into the crowd. Kurt starts to say something, but Rhino cuts him off on the grounds that he's only one GORE GORE GORE away from unemployment. So is AJ still the President-elect of the Front Line? Rhino calls out Sting, with whom he says he never had a problem till the Stinger picked the wrong side. Ray says that tonight they kick the MEM's a$$. Sabin and Shelley are seen clapping hesitantly.

JB and Not-Crystal are in the back with The Beautiful People, where they make the announcement that TNA mobile is now free. That makes it almost worth the cost. Kip is excited about Sarah Palin's imminent arrival. Velvet Sky: "Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin." Best. Dialogue. Ever. Velvet Sky reminds the others that they have some business to take care of before the governor's arrival.

[Commercial Break]

We're counting down Angle's top five moments in preparation for the possibility of his retirement after Final Resolution. The first is him unifying all the titles at Hard Justice 2007, making life incredibly difficult for record keepers everywhere.

JB is in Booker T's locker room. He asks why they're cutting a deal with the Beautiful People, and Sharmell answers that it is necessary to keep ODB away from her. Booker then addresses his coming Street Fight with Samoa Joe for the Legends' Championship, muttering incoherently in his weird accent. He then says something about how they used to do things back in the old days, and suddenly busts out his old Booker T style ranting. I never expected to be so happy to hear that.

(1) BOOKER T (w/SHARMELL) defeats SAMOA JOE

I kind of like opening with a title bout. The crowd chants for Booker, I assume in appreciation of his dropping the crazy accent. They lock up, and Joe takes control with some Knife-Edged Chops. Booker creates some space by rolling to the outside, but Joe follows him out. Joe tosses Booker into the crowd, but walks right into an eye poke that somewhat evens the sides.

[Commercial Break]

Joe is dropping a knee on Booker in the ring as we return. Booker rolls out of the ring, and when Joe tries to follow, Booker slams his head into the ring post and then the steel steps. Booker pounds Joe against the apron and then rolls him back into the ring. He hits a high kick to Joe's head for two. Joe comes up swinging, but runs right into a Spinning Wheel Kick for two. Booker chops Joe in the corner, which is really not a very good strategy. Joe comes back with some chops of his own and a Snap Slam for two. Booker gets up and goes for the Scissors Kick. Sharmell is distracting the referee for no apparent reason, but it turns out to have been a fairly good idea when Joe reverses into a Kokido Clutch. Booker is tapping, but there's no one there to see it. The Beautiful People run down to the ring and spray something in Joe's face, which allows Booker to capitalize for the win.

The MEM, in the back with JB, are happy with the outcome of the last match. Steiner guarantees Sting that they'll preserve his title, then flips out about how Team 3D didn't join their team cause they didn't have enough Ho-Hos in their locker room. Kurt Angle gives us his plan for tonight—he's going to talk to Mick Foley, and then head out to the ring to address Jeff Jarrett.

[Commercial Break]

I just realized that my normal habit of typing who wins the match when it starts and then going back to edit if I'm wrong could lead to embarrassment when doing this in virtual time. Well, that could be fun.

Angle's #4 best moment was his 30 minute title match on International Impact. I can buy that.

Not-Crystal is in the locker room with Samoa Joe. Ray and Devon burst in, and Ray tells Joe to stop moping and get back to the war. Joe's upset because he lost a match? No one wins all their matches. He reminds Joe that Flair is a 16-time world champion, which means he's lost the belt 15 times. (Well, since he's not the current champ presumably he's lost it 16 times.) Similarly, for all Ray brags about being 20-time tag team champions, that means they lost the belts 19 times (again, shouldn't that be 20?). They get Joe riled up, then leave.

Roxxi and Taylor Wilde are on ODB's Angle. ODB is down in the dumps, and it's cause of the potential for a three-on-one assault at Final Resolution. Taylor reminds her that they've been around the block a few times with the "Above Average Looking Blond People", and offers to have their backs. There are some funny lines here, but most of it goes by too fast to catch, and is too dirty to type up anyway.

They run down the card for Final Resolution. Abyss & Matt Morgan got a title shot, and Traci Brooks was somehow able to make the six-woman tag we just heard about thirty seconds ago (maybe ODB's Angle is pre-filmed?).

James Storm and Robert Roode are in the back looking for Abyss. Storm wants to apologize for hitting him with a beer bottle a few weeks back, and says it was all a silly accident. He wants to make it up to him with a drink. Abyss is hesitant, but when they tell him they're regulars at Family Guy's Drunken Clam, he agrees to a drink. He has a shot of whiskey and chases it down with a beer; he doesn't much care for the beer, but he likes the whiskey. Beer Money are glad to share more. You know the one thing that could make Abyss's character more awesome—an alcoholism plot line.

[Commercial Break]

Angle's #3 moment was his announcement at No Surrender 2006 that he'd signed with TNA. It's a good thing none of his top five moments occurred in WWE.

The Beautiful People are standing outside a limo, out of which exits a surprisingly decent Sarah Palin imitator (or a surprisingly awful Sarah Palin).

We see a package of AJ training Christy Hemme to challenge for the Knockouts' Championship. I really hope Christy wins. Yes, I know she has no chance in hell.

(2) AJ STYLES & CHRISTY HEMME defeat AWESOME KONG (w/RAESHA SAEED & RHAKA KHAN) & SCOTT STEINER

AJ and Steiner start things off, and Steiner takes quick control with a Body Slam. Okay, calling anything Steiner does "quick" is a bit misleading, but you get the idea. He tosses AJ half way across the ring with a Hip Toss. AJ tries to mount a comeback, but runs right into a clothesline. He hits his high drop kick out of nowhere, but before he can capitalize Kong comes in and chops him. AJ tosses Steiner from the ring, and when Kong tries to come over to help AJ and Christy low-bridge her right out of the ring. AJ goes to the apron and seems to be thinking Asai Moonsault, but Kong clotheslines his legs out from under him while Saeed distracts the ref. He rolls back into the ring just in time to eat an elbow from Steiner.

[Commercial Break]

Steiner is still in control when we come back. He tries to toss AJ from the ring, but The Phenomenal One Skins the Cat and comes back with a Back Breaker for two. Steiner tries to hit a clothesline as he gets up, but AJ ducks under and nails a Pele. Big Poppa Pump makes the tag to Kong, and AJ rolls over to tag in Christy. Christy tries to come off the top rope with a Cross Body Block, Kong catches her, but Christy re-reverses into a choke. Kong knocks her off against the ring post, but Christy keeps Kong at bay with some kicks. Steiner tries to get involved from the outside, but AJ flies out after him with a Cross Body Block. Kong takes control in the ring with her power, but before she nails the Awesome Bomb she gets distracted by AJ getting back into the ring. When she goes back to nail Christy, Christy tries to reverse into a Sunset Flip; Kong tries to hit a Sit Down Splash, but Christy escapes. She runs into AJ, who swings her legs around into Kong, then sets her arm around Kong's neck and spins her for a Tornado DDT and the win.

Kurt Angle encounters Mick Foley in the back. Kurt says that the only reason he's in this mess is that Foley screwed him at Bound for Glory. Kurt gave him a pass for that, but if he screws him again at Final Resolution Foley will never walk again. Mick doesn't like being intimidated, reminds Kurt who fired the first shot at BFG, and says that he'll just be there to ward the MEM away and keep things one-on-one. Kurt agrees that things should stay one-on-one, and so he'll be bringing someone from outside the MEM to keep an eye on Foley.

[Commercial Break]

Angle's #2 moment is his winning the TNA World Heavyweight Championship for the first time? I don't buy it.

Abyss is getting tipsy in the back. He asks Storm if he really believes he (Abyss) will remain a top guy in this business. They assure him that he will, so long as he hangs with them. He can get anything he wants with their money, and to prove it they have Jackie give him a kiss. He assures Lauren that the kiss meant nothing to him (for those who are curious, she totally deserves a name when they make her put up with the creepy Abyss come-ons).

(3) JAY LETHAL, CONSEQUENCES CREED, & ERIC YOUNG defeat JIMMY RAVE, SONJAY DUTT (w/SOCAL VAL), & SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR

Bashir and Lethal start things off, with Shane Seoul refereeing. Bashir takes a powder right away and joins the commentary team. He says that he won't be in a match with referee Shane and Eric Young. Dutt kisses Val on the floor, so Lethal comes after him with a Suicide Dive. He rolls Sonjay in for a two count, then tags in EY. Young floors Dutt with a series of clotheslines, but gets distracted by Bashir and taken down by Rave. Dutt and Rave hit some quick double-team moves before Dutt begins the prolonged beat down. He uses his wrist tape to choke EY, then tags in Rave, who hits a quick kick to the head for two. Young suddenly dodges a charge in the corner and rolls into a tag to Creed. Things break down, but Creed ends up alone in the ring with Rave, whom he nails with the TKO for the kill.
As soon as the match is over, Bashir leaves the announcing table and jumps Young at ringside. EY wards him off though and nails a Hip Toss onto the metal ramp. Bashir flees without his X Division Championship, which EY then holds up in the middle of the ring.

They hype the Feast or Fired Match. Hernandez looks forward to seeing the guy who tries to fire him. Shelley and Sabin crack wise.

JB is in the MEM locker room with Sting, who wisely demurs from commenting on AJ's relation to his father. He says that at Final Resolution he'll be backed by people he's known for twenty years, and tonight he won't let Rhino keep him from finishing what he knows needs to be finished.

[Commercial Break]

The #1 moment of Kurt Angle's career was his formation of The Main Event Mafia.

The Beautiful People and "Sarah Palin" are in Booker T's locker room, explaining how this will be theirs after they help Sharmell win at Final Resolution. Kip seems disgusted to have anything to do with this segment. I never thought there would be a segment beneath Cute Kip, but here we are. Booker T enters in a towel, and he's not happy to have company. He takes Cute Kip aside and, slipping back into his standard Booker T voice, tells him to get the "two blond bimbos and the yak" out of his locker room.

On this week's edition of Rough Cut Hernandez and Homicide talk about what it's like to be a role model for Latinos everywhere. If he can make it then anyone can make it. "If you want to be a ballerina, why not?" Latinos come up to them after matches and thank them for representing. Hernandez says their goal is to be the best Latino tag team of all time, which frankly seems like relatively low ambition for a team that's already one of the best in the world.

Abyss gets a call from Matt Morgan, and he wants him to join them for a drink. Storm thinks they've run out of alcohol, but Abyss sees a full bottle. They say it was full, then crack it over Abyss's head. They tell him that he'll never take their titles, and that he should pass the message along to Matt. I'm not quite clear on what they gained from this particular ruse.

[Commercial Break]

We recap Angle-Rhino.

Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring, to which he invites Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett answers the call in 2 seconds, guitar in hand. So does he just stand around by the entrance with a guitar in case anyone calls him out? Kurt says that he just came out to tell Jarrett to enjoy himself tonight. In fact, he wants all of us to celebrate the fact that this could be Kurt's last Impact. The more we celebrate, the more focused Kurt becomes. This is no ordinary focus either. He thought he had been completely focused on the prospect of winning a gold medal, but that was really just a goal. Now he's found that one thing, his ultimate goal, and that's taking out Jeff Jarrett. When Kurt came to TNA two years ago, Jeff ducked out, so he would never have to face him. Then when Kurt finally did get him at Bound for Glory, Mick Foley screwed him out of the win. That won't happen again at Final Resolution. First Kurt will taste Rhino's blood, and then he'll make sure that Foley can only suck air through a respirator. And then it will be down to Kurt and Jeff. And though Kurt knows about Jeff's three little girls, and how they miss their mother and he misses his wife, he doesn't have any pity. He's going to take Jeff's company, and take his family, because this is the most out of control he's ever been. That's not cool, and you can actually hear the crowd say "boo". Jeff says the only way Kurt will do what he wants is over Jeff's dead body, which Kurt seems fine with.

Not-Crystal is in the back with Rhino, who heard everything Kurt said, and thinks it's all sick. He broke the code, and took it outside of wrestling to something almost barbaric. So now Rhino does not know what he's going to do to Sting. I didn't quite follow that last connection either.

[Commercial Break]

Suicide tells us that this is the end, but, sadly, I don't think he really means it.

JB is in the back with Team 3D, Samoa Joe, & AJ Styles. Brother Ray acknowledges that we've all probably heard enough from him, then hands the mic over to AJ. AJ says that since Joe got here they've been like brothers—it's always been him, Joe, and Christopher Daniels. Didn't Joe used to carry around a towel with Christopher Daniels's blood on it? However, he never thought he'd be teaming with Team 3D. It does go to prove that this isn't about respect though—respect can be earned by doing the right thing, like Team 3D has. JB asks Joe for his thoughts, but he thinks that everything that needs to be said has been.

(4) RHINO defeats STING

Rhino takes the Stinger down with a shoulder block. Sting tries to come back with an Arm Drag, but can't take Rhino off his feet. Instead, Rhino shoves Sting into the corner, pounds on him, then floors him with a Hip Toss. He sets up for the Gore, so Sting wisely rolls to the outside. Rhino follows him, and blasts him into two consecutive barricades. He sets up for another Gore, but Sting sidesteps and Rhino runs headfirst into the steel.

[Commercial Break]

Rhino is awfully close to a full-on crimson mask as Sting pounds his head in the ring. Rhino tries to come back with right hands, but Sting rakes his eyes. Rhino tries it again, and this time gets Sting off his feet with a Flying Clothesline. Kurt Angle runs down to ringside, but AJ Styles has finally figured out that he doesn't have to wait till after the beating is over to come down too. Rhino and Sting jockey in the ring; Rhino takes control, but Kurt gets up on the apron and distracts him. Sting locks in the Scorpion Death Lock, but the ref is still busy with Kurt. AJ takes Kurt off the apron, and after Sting goes over to check on the situation he turns around into a GORE! GORE! GORE! for the loss.
Wait, what? Rhino just pinned the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, fairly cleanly. I would not have predicted that for the man who two months ago only made it onto the biggest PPV of the year in a six-person inter-gender tag match featuring Cute Kip. As the show goes off the air, Rhino is holding the belt above his head, with the Front Line coming down to the ring to surround him.

Where We're Going: Here's a pop-quiz: which member of The Front Line stands to win the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at Final Resolution? One person got a win tonight over the champion, one lost a match to the MEM's other champion only as a result of outside interference, and one was giving Christy Hemme pointers about how to hit a good DDT. (The correct answer is: "None, because Sting's keeping it") The announcers tried to spin this as the epitome of what The Front Line is about—taking time even from the most important tasks to help out new talent. That's good spin, and I might even buy it if I didn't already feel like they're cutting AJ's push off at the knees before he's even had it. They could prove me wrong by giving him the strap on Sunday, but, short of that, it seems there's a face The Front Line, and he isn't it. I think he's earned better.

Star of the Night: Rhino. While I'm a bit annoyed that they seem to be giving him AJ's push, I can't see he's not doing his damnedest to earn it. He won tonight in a plausible, exciting match against the champion, and did it all while sporting a pretty decent crimson mask.

Overall: This show succeeded on most fronts. Angle and Rhino moved forward, though that was hampered some by the reintroduction of Jarrett's kids as a plot device. The MEM/Front Line feud was advanced, though with theoretical front-man AJ Styles only getting some reasonable face time in a promo near show's end. Mostly though, this show succeeded by doing a lot for the Final Resolution undercard. Though the skits were stupid, the bits with Beer Money at least went some way to making that match make sense; Bashir-Young almost looks like a real feud for the X Division Championship; both women's matches were well advanced, and even Feast or Fired was made a bit more exciting. Rhino's big win at the end gave the show a huge boost, and so overall I'd chalk this one up as a win. A-

Daniel is a graduate student at The Ohio State University. He forgot that doing this live requires sitting through all the commercials. Anyone who can provide him with a good explanation of why Frank Caliendo is on his TV every thirty-five seconds is invited to email it to dawilk316@gmail.com

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