By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
JANUARY 29, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-A video montage aired on the Main Event Mafia. It was self-aggrandizing and ended with the phrase on the screen: "Directed by the Main Event Mafia."

-They went to Kurt Angle taking over Jeff Jarrett's office, with Jeremy Borash holding the mic. Jim Cornette walked in and said he'd be in trouble with Jarrett. Angle said Jarrett's still licking his wounds at home and Mick Foley isn't there, so who's going to stop him. Cornette said he's been directed to stop him. Angle told him to shut his mouth. Cornette threw his arms up and sat on the couch, telling them "it's your funeral, your jobs." Angle put on a headset and asked if Sharmell was ready. He checked with "Big Poppa." He said this is the moment he's been waiting for his whole life. He counted down 3-2-1 and they went to the standard Impact opening.

-They went to ringside where Kevin Nash and Booker T were in the seats normally held by Mike Tenay and Don West. The screen said they were named, respectively, Chet Lemon and Black Snow. Booker was doing play-by-play and Nash the commentary. Nash said the pyro man says it's time to "blow your load," and then the big pyro blasted as the camera panned the crowd. They plugged Kontourage vs. ODB in a handicapped match, plus Matt Morgan with his hand tied behind his back against Scott Steiner, and Booker T vs. Rudy Charles & Andrew Thomas Team 3D vs. "The Icon" Sting. That last match hardly seems to favor MEM, but they surely have something up their sleeve. This is a fun start and a break from the usual.

-Sharmell, taking Lauren's place, interviewed ODB. Sharmell said ODB's probably planning how many guys she's going to fancy at the truck stop later tonight. ODB called her Charmin. She grabbed at her crotchal area and said she'll be all over her like a fly on a turd and even her security guard can't stop her. Her security guard looked like Don West after eating Brother Ray. It works the other way, too. Actually, it's like they morphed into one another, but kept their collective weight. ODB shouted "Queen D's Nuts" and then said she's drunk and horny and ready to kick some ass. Sharmell called her "One Disgusting Battleaxe," then told her that a few minutes ago the MEM escorted her friends Taylor Wilde and Roxxi out of the building, so she has no back-up. She said the only thing she needs are her two friends, "Jack and Jin." She swigged from her flask and then grabbed her boobs.

-Scott Steiner did the ring intro for the Knockouts match. He said it's a handicapped match, "and that means it's four bitches on one." He introduced the babyfaces as Son-Joan Bolt. When the crowd laughed at him struggling with her name, he shouted, "I haven't slept with any of them; how am I supposed to know what their names are?" Booker laughed. He totally butchered Kongtourage, also. Steiner as ring announcer is funny.

1 -- KONGTOURAGE (Awesome Kong & Soujourner Bolt & Raesha Saeed & Rhaka Khan) vs. ODB

Nash exclaimed, "There's a man!" Booker did play-by-play, sounding like Wolfman Jack (Google him if you're under 30.) Keeping up with their one-liners is going to be tough. The crowd chanted "ODB, ODB." Booker clotheslined Saeed over the top rope, then Booker said, "ODB has just opened up a can of Jack Daniels on her." That comes in cans? ODB got the advantage on Kong with punches in the corner. The other three approached her. ODB dove onto all three. Kong finished ODB off a minute later, though.

WINNERS: Kongtourage in 4:00.

-Angle raved about what he had watched so far. Cornette wasn't happy, saying some of these mismatches might lead to hospitalization. Angle said it was the best show ever. Borash asked Angle if he'd consider pulling back on the format or someone will get hurt. Angle said he evened it out by booking Sting against Team 3D, so "what more do you want?" Borash said he heard Foley is on his way with back-up. Angle laughed and almost tipped over his chair. "Back up? What, two homeless guys and a dirty sock?" He said he wants Foley to show up. He told Borash that ever since Karen left, he's been acting funny. He said he kissed up to him to be closer to Karen. Borash said, "Bros before hos, every day of my life, man. But I do have strong feelings for you, though." Angle said, "J.B., you creep me out." Angle told Borash to make himself useful. He threw him some t-shirts and told him to make us some money, but if he pockets any money, he'll finish him off. Another entertaining segment. Angle was great with the "you creep me out" line.

[Q2]

[Commercial Break]

-Booker threw to Sharmell, who interviewed the two referees scheduled for the next match. Thomas seemed scared, Rudy strangely confident. Sharmell asked what they're going to do after this match for a career. She suggested wheelchair basketball. Thomas said he's not a wrestler. Rudy said he has a reputation as an accomplished amateur wrestler. Thomas said he's insane. Rudy told him to relax and follow his lead and everything will be fine.

2 -- RUDY CHARLES & ANDREW THOMAS vs. BOOKER T

Steiner introduced the match as a "meat grinder." He said the referee have no chance because they're both candy-asses. Nash announced that Steiner would be joining him at the announce table to replace Booker on play-by-play. Nash told Steiner he's so good at ring announcing, Dave Penzer is out of work. Nash told Borash who was walking by that he'd take a couple of shots. Booker beat on Rudy with a clothesline and then a sidekick. Nash said he's taking a mixed martial arts approach. Booker lifted Rudy, then kicked him in the gut and dropped him with a scissors kick. Booker dragged Rudy over to his corner and tagged in Thomas, who reluctantly entered. Charles displayed a great scared sh--less look. Booker took him down with a clothesline. He then went after Earl Hebner, the assigned ref for the match. Nash laughed and said, "I don't know if you know this, but Earl did screw Bret." Nash plugged the TNA text message alert service and said if people sign up, he'll send them a naked picture of himself. Booker finished Thomas with a chokeslam. Steiner announed, "The winner is Booookkkeerr Teeee!" Nash complimented him for doing it from the announce table. "You're multitasking!" Nash said it's amazing how much Booker resembles Black Snow.

WINNER: Booker T in 3:00.

-After Booker grabbed Hebner, Shane Sewell made the save. Nash asked, "What's his problem?" Steiner said, "For some reason, he totally hates Booker T." Booker dropped him with a scissors kick.

-Another self-congratulatory vignette aired on MEM.

[Q3]

-Back in Jarrett's office, Angle told Nash through his headset that this is the greatest night in TNA history. Nash told Angle about a hot chick in the crowd. Angle asked her to get her to show her boobs. Sting walked in and said, "You don't think I know what you're up to?" Angle said, "You're the TNA World Heavweight Champion. What, you can't beat two guys? I mean, they can't be in the ring at the same time. They have to tag in and out." Sting told Angle to think hard about something. He said in two weeks he'll be back in the ring against them, but he'll be there, too. He asked him whether he wants Sting Friend or Sting Foe in two weeks? He poked him in the chest with the baseball bat.

[Commercial Break]

-Sharmell interviewed Matt Morgan backstage. She asked how he's going to beat Petey Williams with one hand tied behind Petey's back. Morgan gave a sarcastic response, then told Petey that he has sympathy for no man. He also said Abyss, holed up in a cave like a big, fat Neanderthal, is watching and he should take notes at what's in store for him when they face off.

3 -- MATT MORGAN vs. PETEY WILLIAMS

"All right rednecks and white trash, this match is scheduled for one fall," said Steiner. He explained the rules. Steiner introduced Petey and told President Obama to stop building walls to keep Mexicans out and move the fall to the Canadian border to keep Canadians out. Petey avoided Morgan's early offense, including ducking a running big boot. He kicked him, but Morgan swatted him down. Petey jumped to the floor. Booker's commentary actually was pretty grating and he didn't seem to have much interest in letting Nash get any one-liners in. Nash said, "I'll tell you one thing about Matt Morgan. He's a big guy." Nash wondered if Morgan regrets that tattoo on his back. The ref disconnected the rope behind Petey's back. Booker called it the oldest trick in the book. Petey went after Morgan with a flurry including a top rope dropkick. He even dropkicked Steiner off the ring apron when Steiner threatened to interfere. Morgan, though, finished Petey with a running big boot. Nash said Morgan's not just big, he's also bad. Booker's almost single-handedly ruining this show. I want to find his non-stop auctioneer Wolfman Jack voice entertaining, but it's just headache inducing. At least TNA keeps its matches short. I haven't said that before.

WINNER: Morgan in 4:00.

-Morgan gave Petey the Blueprint afterward. When Steiner put Petey in the Steiner Recliner, Consequences Creed, Eric Young, and Jay Lethal made the save. Booker brought a wireless mic into the ring and called the action as he, Morgan, and Steiner took out the babyfaces. It took three of them to take out the three babyfaces, so they're no Shane McMahon.

[Q4]

-Team 3D walked out. Brother Ray said he feels bad for Sting, but he can't believe he's saying it. He said they don't want to fight him in this handicapped match tonight. He said Kurt Angle has booked him into a corner. He said they are one of the greatest tag teams ever assembled, and he has to fight his way out of that corner against them. Ray said seven or eight weeks ago his buddies beat his brains in. He said he was worse than they were because he did nothing. "Why, Sting? Why?" he asked. "Wy do you continue to lie to yourself? Why do you continue to lie to them." Nash said, "Don't listen to him. He's trying to stir trouble." He said they're going to give him an ass whoopin' tonight, and at Against All Odds he or his brother Devon will become the World Champion.

[Commercial Break]

4 -- STING vs. TEAM 3D

Steiner introduced Team 3D: "Hailing from Duncan Doughnuts from the great state of Obseity, Team 3D!" Then he introduced Sting without any insults. Booker talked about Team 3D coming from ECW and won a lot of so-called World Titles. He said, "When you sell a DVD in Japan, that doesn't make you a worldwide company, I don't think." Sharmell joined them at ringside.

[Q5]

Sting made a comeback against Brother Ray. Devon got the advantage after tagging in, so Sting regrouped at ringside at 3:00. There were competing chants of "Let's go Stinger" and "Let's Go Devon." Steiner chatted with Sting. Brother Ray charged at them and took down Steiner; Sting moved. Ray and Sting brawled back into the ring as they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Nash said if anyone has joined them in progress, the Main Event Mafia has taken over. When Team 3D held the advantage for a while, Angle ran out and gave Ray a low-blow from behind. Sting didn't know Angle interfered. He hit a DDT for a near fall on Ray. Team 3D lifted Sting for the Doomsday Device clothesline and hit it. When Ray went for the cover, Angle jumped in to break up the pin. The ref called for the DQ.

WINNERS: Team 3D via DQ in 10:00.

-Afterward, Booker slid a table into the ring. Mick Foley, Abyss, Homicide, and Hernandez ran out. Nash panicked and told MEM to flee the ring and fight another day. Sharmell insisted they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

[Q6]

-Mick Foley had the mic in hand after the break. "As amusing as this little experiment may have been at times, it's over!" Nash said, "Says who?" He said two weeks ago Hernandez cashed in his "Feast or Fire" opportunity against Sting, but that opportunity ended prematurely due to the Main Event Mafia, so he said he will get another shot at another time. Foley said if Steiner likes to play with weapons, he's booking him in a weapons match against Abyss. Abyss said he can pic any weapon he chooses. Abyss smiled and laughed. He said Steiner gets no weapons, though. He's the little boy Santa forgot. He said if Angle wants to book handicapped matches, he's booking him against LAX. "That's discrimination against the Mafia," said Sharmell. It's probably wise that they ended this after 75 minutes as it could have overstayed its welcome - especially Booker's play-by-play, which was unbearable.

-Cornette told Mike Tenay and Don West that they had to head to ringside. He told Lauren and Borash "back to work." He said he had a big announcement regarding Against All Odds.

[Commercial Break]

-At ringside, Tenay and West hyped the line-up for Against All Odds. Cornette then joined them and said he's adding a match: Booker T vs. Shane Sewell. That hardly seems fair.

5 -- ABYSS vs. SCOTT STEINER - Weapons Match (Abyss only)

Steiner attacked Abyss as he entered the ring. Steiner took control at the start, but a minute later Abyss took over. He wedged a chair in the corner. Steiner went through weapons in a trash can ringside, Abyss stopped him from illegally using them. Abyss charged at Steiner at ringside, but Steiner moved. Abyss crashed through a wall of the set.

[Q7]

[Commercial Break]

Steiner was on offense after the break, but Abyss took control again a minute later. He wedged a chair into the corner. Steiner reversed Abyss head-first into it. Steiner slid the ring bell into the ring. The ref warned him against using it. Abyss blocked it and chokeslammed Steiner through a trash can for a near fall at 8:00. Steiner bled from the forehead. As Abyss raised the bell to use it, Steiner smashed it with a steel pipe. The ref called for the DQ. They couldn't ring the bell since it was being used in the ring.

WINNER: Abyss via DQ in 9:00.

-Steiner began tossing weapons around, including toward the entrance aisle and the crowd. He hit Abyss with a chair several times, mostly to the back and one that also grazed his head. The lights went dark and then blue. Suicide slide to the ring on a rope. he moved around suspiciously like Curryman.

[Commercial Break]

-Tenay threw to Lauren who interviewed a two bullriders standing next to a giant bull, plugging a new Spike TV reality series. The winner gets a ranch. Beer Money walked in and literally scared the bull backwards. James Storm said something about how he can ride one of their mamas for more than eight seconds. They cut away before the scuffle got too far.

[Q8]

6 -- LAX (Homicide & Hernandez) vs. KURT ANGLE

Angle and Hernandez mat-wrestled early. At 2:00 Hernandez clotheslined Angle over the top rope to the floor. He followed with a dive over the top rope onto Angle at ringside.

[Commercial Break]

Angle raked Homicide's eyes during the break, then tossed him to the floor and had been on offense ever since. Homicide reversed Angle into a DDT and reached to hot-tag Hernandez. The ref didn't see the tag, though, so he disallowed it. Angle jumped Hernandez from behind and settled into a chinlock. Homicide made a comeback with a dragon screw legwhip. Angle rolled through a minute later into an anklelock. Homicide powered out and Hernadez hit him with a slingshot shoulder tackle. He splashed Angle in the corner and then tossed him across the ring by a t-shirt wrapped around Angle's neck. He then gave Angle his sitout powerbomb. He set up a Border Toss next. Angle clippped the top rope with his foot and slipped out. He then threw Hernandez to the floor. Homicide schoolboyed Angle from behind for a near fall. He followed with a Gringos Cutter and then set up a Gringos Cutter. Homicide's leg went out from under him. Angle then gave him an Angle Slam for the three count.

WINNER: Angle in 13:00.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Good match. Angle's no Shane McMahon, but beating those two cleanly shorthanded does undercut LAX as a team and both Homicide and Hernandez as top level main eventers. I had to advocate cheating or interference, but in a two-on-one match with the babyfaces with the advantage, that's pretty much called for unless you're trying to bury the babyfaces or define them down as mid-carders.

-A brief vignette aired at the end whose back was to the camera. He said: "Main Event Mafia, let me introduce you to the real Samoa Joe." He had make-up on his right eye in some of sort of art imagery. It's good that they took Joe of TV for a while to repackage him. A repackaging was needed at this point.

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