By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MARCH 12, 2009
ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-A video recap aired of last week's segments involving the Kurt Angle-Sting saga including Kevin Nash's yeoman's effort at making sense of everything. The show's title: "Final Destination for Main Event Mafia?"

-They showed Angle backstage. Mike Tenay said we're about to find out how Angle feels about Jeff Jarrett ejecting him from the Impact Zone last week. The TNA Impact opening aired, after which they panned the crowd as pryo blasted. Tenay introduced the show and hyped an elimination match with Team 3D & Abyss vs. Matt Morgan & Beer Money Inc.

-Angle made his way to the ring to his intro song. He said, "Get out here, boss. The suspension is officially over," he began. He said he crossed the line last week, just like TNA's motto says. He said he wanted to show him up in front of his "butt buddies" by kicking him out of the building. I haven't heard that term since, like, 1981. He said, "Tonight, it's going to be you, Jeff. Sunday, it's going to be Sting." He said the world is his and asked him to get his ass out to the ring right now. He asked if he had any balls or is he just a chickensh--. We've already had a wrestler yelling at the top his lungs and using several naughty words and a gay inference. What a great start. The only thing missing from TNA's repertoire is a death threat.

Jarrett began to walk his way to the ring, but Mick Foley and B.G. James cut him off. B.G. tried to reason with him. Foley told him to calm down. Foley walked to the ring and asked him, "What the hell is wrong with you? Have you lost your mind, Kurt?" He asked whatever happened to the Olympic hero he met ten years ago. Angle said this has nothing to do with him. Foley said he's wrong, this has everything to do with him. Foley said he believed in A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, and him, which is why he invested his money in TNA. He said he may be the best in the ring he's ever seen, but the more he saw of him, the more he saw he was drive by his ego and self-preservation even if it brought TNA crumbling down around him. Foley said he thought he could reason with Kevin Nash, Booker T, and Scott Steiner, but they're as bad as he is. He said they're just his goons. He said he can only place his faith in Sting, who has figured out that they've been using him all along. He said Sting is going to walk out of Destination X as champion and the balance of power will have shifted and his reign of terror will be over.

Foley said if Angle wants to fight someone, maybe he should fight him. Foley yelled that he should take his best shot and give him the opportunity to "Cactus Jack your [bleep]." Angle stared down Foley, then backed out of the ring. Tenay said the look on Angle's face "scares the hell out of me." Still no word from Don West yet.

-Backstage Jim Cornette told Jeremy Borash that Foley is the type to step up to the plate. Sting walked in and Cornette said they go way back and he's always treated him with respect. Cornette asked for a favor. He said he's got management all over him. He said the program can't descend into chaos each week. He told him he gets his chance against Angle at the PPV, but he wants him to pick someone to face someone of Angle's choosing, and they'll each be in the respective corner. Sting asked if he was letting him be ringside with Angle. "Okay, I'm in," he said. "All the way in." Cornette said he respects him and said he's the man. Borash asked why he's risking a fight between Angle and Sting like that. Cornette said he'd rather have chaos he creates and controls than chaos out of his control. He said it's good for business, and business is about to pick up.

I like the concept of having Sting and Angle involved in a match, with a stake in who wins, without actually wrestling. It's a way to not give away a PPV match but present a potentially volatile situation involving two PPV main eventers and give a rub to two other wrestlers in the process.

[Commercial Break]

-TNA For the Record: "Thanks to you, TNA Impact once again broke another viewership record last week. Spread the word... Cross the line."

-Tenay threw to Lauren interviewing Mick Foley and Jenna from "Survivor." She said she met Foley at a business conference a while back and he invited her onto Impact. Lauren asked if she's a fan. She said yes and said "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash is her favorite. Lauren asked what she did with her million dollars. Jenna said she "invested it in millions more," whatever that means. I hope it wasn't with that Madoff guy. Matt Morgan walked up to Lauren and asked if she's seen Lauren. He said he wants to Abyss in a 10,000 tacks match. Lauren said he's come a long way with Dr. Stevie and he doesn't need to mutilate his body any more to make a living. Morgan told her to send "her boyfriend" a message that "the Blueprint gets what the Blueprint wants." He grabbed her. She panted. He caressed her cheek and she slapped him away and fled the scene.

2 -- SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR vs. RHINO

A few seconds into the match, Don West showed up. He smiled and waved at Tenay. Tenay sarcastically said it's nice he finally made it and hopes he doesn't mind they started the show without him. West said nobody told him the show was starting early. Tenay got angry and said the show starts at the time each week. West said he was coming down with the flu. Tenay asked if that was another word for hangover. West asked what he missed. Tenay recapped the show. Tenay said it smells like a brewery since West showed up. West blamed it on Dave Penzer. Rhino took control at the start. Bashir came back and controlled the body of the match. In the end, Rhino ducked a clothesline and schoolboyed Bashir for the win. Bashir gave Rhino a low-blow from behind afterward. Bashir then bashed Rhino with a chair across his chest and draped a cloth over Rhino afterward.

WINNER: Rhino in 4:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2* - Fine, but unremarkable. Just a basic four minute TV match with a pretty anticlimactic kiss-your-sister finish.

-A video aired hyping TNA wrestlers as risk takers.

-Borash interviewed The Beautiful People, Kip James, and Madison Rain. Velvet Sky said they proved they're not just beautiful, they're smart. She said their group is a new sorority, My Pi Sexy. Borash got excited with that play on words. Angelina Love said his microphone is very limp. Borash held a pillow in front of his crotch.

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

-Tenay threw to the Main Event Mafia locker room. Steiner sternly told Angle to work things out with Sting. Angle asked Kevin if he's with him. Nash said he has a tube in his arm and can't set himself back by trying to help him. Angle said there's a whole locker room full of guys who'd like to help him. Angle sent to heavies to go look for him.

-A video feature aired on A.J. Styles-Booker T feud.

-Cornette held Booker's belt. Booker tried to grab it. Cornette said it's bad for business to have cops on the scene, so he wanted him to sign a paper that he won't file charges on Styles. Let's get this straight. Cornette won't give Booker back his property unless he agrees not to file charges against Styles for stealing it in the first place. If you think a few seconds about that, it's crazy, because if Booker didn't sign it and Cornette didn't give him his property back, Booker could file charges against Cornette in addition to Styles. Booker signed it and said took his belt. He said he wanted to face Styles. Cornette produced a contract Styles had already signed. Booker said he won't sign anything without his lawyer looking it over. Cornette goaded him into it by playing on Booker being scared because Styles is younger and faster. Booker signed it and said what he does to Styles will be on him. Cornette smiled.

-Tenay and West were shown on camera. They hyped the line-up for Destination X.

-Eric Young approached Sting to be given a chance to wrestle later. He asked how someone like him is supposed to get ahead without an opportunity like this. Sting said he believes in Young, but he'd feel guilty given the circumstances throwing him out there given all that's going on. Young said people say he doesn't take himself seriously enough, but he's asking for the same spot that Ric Flair gave him as a young blond haired punk. Sting said, "Since you put it like that, how could I deny it?" He said he'll be at ringside for him.

[Commercial Break]

-A vignette aired on Samoa Joe. He said someone can settle back and make a good living and have a career of mediocrity, or he can step up and take more. He said he's choosing to step up.

-West hyped upcoming live events.

-Lauren interviewed Black Machismo & Consequences Creed about their Pick Partners tag match against Booker T & Scott Steiner and two partners of their choosing. LAX walked in and revealed they're the partners. Hernandez said they reinvent themselves tonight and begin to take back what's theirs.

[Q4]

[Commercial Break]

-Angle approached Kiyoshi backstage about wrestling for him. Kiyoshi just bowed and Angle didn't know what that meant and said he didn't have time for that. He kicked him and ordered them out of the room. Angle said, "Idiots, don't understand English, don't come to the country."

3 -- MATT MORGAN & BEER MONEY INC. vs. ABYSS & TEAM 3D

In reference to Sunday's Team 3D vs. Beer Money match, West said he doesn't understand why so many wrestlers keep accepting the Beer Money challenge after what happened to Petey Williams and Lance Hoyt. Tenay said this could be the last time we see Team 3D on Impact. West said anything can happen in a match, and Beer Money has been finding a way to get wins. At 3:00 Jackie snuck into the ring and gave Brother Devon a low-blow from behind. That's two low-blows in the first hour of the show. Storm superkicked Devon and scored a three count.

[Commercial Break]

Back in the ring, Beer Money teamed up to suplex Brother Ray. When Storm sprayed beer in Ray's face, the ref DQ'd him and sent him to the back at 7:00. West disagreed with that decision. Tenay argued with him. These frequent Tenay-West arguments are a real distraction and annoying. Ray pinned Roode with a Bubba Bomb for the pin. That left Morgan alone against Abyss and Ray.

[Q5]

Morgan surprised Ray with a chokeslam for a quick pin. That left Morgan vs. Abyss. Abyss walked at ringside and slowly made his way into the ring. Morgan eagerly awaited him. Abyss sideslammed Morgan a minute into their battle, but Morgan kicked out. West said he questions Sting for being so easily persuaded by Young. Morgan brought the bag of tacks into the ring. Abyss gave Morgan a chokeslam. Abyss examined the bag and contemplated using them. Lauren ran to the ring and begged Abyss not to use them because he's made so much progress. Morgan then surprised Abyss with his Carbon Footprint for the win. West said regarding Lauren, "You've just gotta know where your place is."

WINNER: Morgan in

-Morgan poured the thumb tacks on the mat. When Lauren got in the ring, Morgan grabbed her by the throat and threatened to chokeslam her on the tacks. West said he was just trying to scare her. Abyss recovered and knocked Morgan out of the ring. Morgan wanted to know if Abyss was accepting his challenge or not. Abyss finally agreed. Lauren reacted with disappointment.

[Commercial Break]

-They replayed the Morgan-Lauren-Abyss angle in the previous segment. Tenay and West argued over West's defense of Morgan's actions. West said a woman should know her place. "But you know their motto these days. I'm a woman, hear me roar!" Tenay asked West to "pull a Don West and take off mid-show." West took him up oh his challenge. He said he'd be at the hotel bar. The continued anti-woman theme that plagued TNA Impact over the years has manifested itself in a new way with West's character.

-Backstage Abyss yelled at the top of his lungs to express how upset he is at Morgan. Lauren begged him to focus. Abyss said this Sunday night he's going to avenge himself and his "girlfriend" by making Morgan his bitch.

4 -- TAYLOR WILDE (w/Roxxi, The Governess) vs. MADISON RAIN (w/The Beautiful People)

Foley joined Tenay on commentary. Tenay asked Foley for his thoughts on West, while making really strange exaggerated faces while saying it. Foley said West needs to get a grip on reality. Foley said he is looking forward to the post-Mafia TNA. Rain dominated the opening two minutes.

[Q6]

When Taylor made a comeback, she went for a sunset flip. Rain tried to grab onto referee Traci Brooks. Traci, though, shoved Rain and counted the pin for Taylor. Afterward, Roxxi and Gov yanked Kip crotch-first into the ringpost. Chaos broke out. Kip sprayed perfume in the eyes of the Gov and Roxxi. The BPs flattened Roxxi and Gov with their finishers.

WINNER: Taylor in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4*

-"Trash Talking with ODB" aired featuring brief clips of videos fans sent in. Borash interviewed ODB. He asked her how a guy would get to first base with her. She said usually "hello." Borash hopefully said, "Hello." She spit out her beer. He asked about second base. She said buying her a drink works. Borash offered her a drink. She shoved his face in her breasts. He asked about third base. She said they have to wine and dine her with a Dollar Menu item at Mickey D's. For home base, ODB said a box of stogies. He offered her a cigarette. Why does Borash have a cigarette on him? She said she woke up horny so that's good enough for her. She leaped on him. Borash spread his legs in the air and fell backwards as the camera cut away.

-They went to ringside where Tenay and Foley talked about Angle's pick still being a mystery. The Main Event Mafia made their way to ringside as they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

-Back from the break, Foley and Booker were arguing. Security (sort of) held Booker back. Nash also tried to talk some calm into Booker. Foley said he's looking for some professionalism. Steiner hit Foley from behind with his lead pipe. He bashed him several times with it. The MEM backed away as Foley was tended to behind the announce table by medics.

[Commercial Break]

[Q7]

-During the break, medics tried to get Foley to get stitches. Foley refused to get into the ambulance and said he had somewhere else he needs to be. He walked away, despite begging by the medics and B.G. James, who was talking to Jeff Jarrett on a cell phone.

-A Rough Cut segment aired hyping the Ultimate X. It included comments from Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Creed, and Jay Lethal talking about the threat of Suicide, saying he'd probably be willing to risk his life to win the title.

5 -- CONSEQUENCES CREED & BLACK MACHISMO & LAX vs. SCOTT STEINER & BOOKER T & THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS

Tenay plugged that there was late-breaking news from Borash via TNA Mobile regarding a title match at Destination X. Some good action, especially with Machismo vs. the Guns. At 6:00 chaos broke out at ringside with everyone except Hernandez and Sabin. Hernandez went for a Border Toss, but Sabin escaped. A minute later Hernandez went for it again and hit it again for the pin.

WINNERS: LAX & Creed & Machismo in 6:00.

STAR RATING: * -- Too short for an eight-man match. Almost ridiculously short, but par for the course for TNA shoving way too much into each show, cheapening the concept of four big names against four big names.

-Borash interviewed Foley backstage, who was yelling at the top of his lungs. Just too much YELLING on this show. TNA can't exclaim themselves to success. Foley said he wouldn't go to the hospital because he couldn't be at ringside and the hospital at the same time. Foley said things are about to change for him around here "for the worse." B.G. James hit a wall in the background and said, "Man, it wasn't supposed to happen like this!" Foley said, "But it did. And it makes me happy." Foley then panted like a madman. Foley's character just doesn't ring true when he goes from jolly ol' Mick to TNA executive to crazy Cactus Jack. It's just herky jerky, and even tougher to accept given how terribly out of shape and broken down he looks when moves around.

[Q8]

[Commercial Break]

-Angle approached Brutus Maximus backstage. He told Angle after what he did to Jarrett, the founder of TNA (take a drink), he won't help him. He walked away. Angle then told one of his bodyguards was his pick. Apparently his name is Rocco. He looks like Don West after swallowing P.N. News.

6 -- ERIC YOUNG (w/Sting) vs. ROCCO (w/Kurt Angle)

Well, they established nobody like Angle and wants to wrestle for him, but the resulting match is a bit of a letdown. After ring intros, they showed Foley heading toward the entrance tunnel and then cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

With seven minutes left in the show, the bell rang and Young and Rocco locked up. Rocco swung at Young. Young ducked and punched him. Rocco managed to shoulder block Young to the ground, then punch him the corner, throw him to the mat, and then splash him in the corner. Sting and Angle cheered on their men from ringside. On a second charge, Young caught him with a boot. When he dove at him, though, Rocco caught him and powerslammed him. Young came back with a "miraculous" Death Valley Driver for the clean pin.

WINNER: Young in 5:00.

STAR RATING: 1/4* -- It didn't do Young much good that he could barely beat a non-wrestler bodyguard who just happened to be really, really fat.

-Afterward, an upset Angle jumped Young and then, with the help of his two heavies, beat up Sting. Foley made the save. Scott Steiner ran out and hit Foley from behind. Nash joined the scene and stepped on Foley's throat. Jarett then ran out and began hitting the security members with unprotected chairshots to their skulls. Good to see the boss setting the tone. Sting stepped between Jarrett and the other MEM members before he could hit them with the chair. The MEM bailed out of the ring. Jarrett said the three-ring circus ends at Destination X. He said he's naming himself the special guest referee for the Angle-Sting match and Foley will be the special guest enforcer. "Kurt, choke on those nuts!" he said. Tenay said Jarrett wants to be sure the best man prevails, ignoring the obvious bias Jarrett and Foley will obviously have against Angle - and deservedly so.

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