By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor

KELLER'S ECW REPORT
MARCH 18, 2009
AIRED ON SCI FI

[Q1]

-The show opened with Hornswoggle wandering backstage acting hysterical with Finlay by his side. Teddy Long, dressed as a leprechaun, shook his head at Hornswoggle's antics and wished Finlay a happy St. Patrick's Day. Finlay said there are only two things to do on St. Patrick's Day: Fight and Celebrate, and Hornswoggle has been celebrating all night long. Long asked where he went. Finlay looked around and didn't see him, then smiled and said, "We're in trouble." A bit scripted sounding and stiffly acted. Finlay is huge, by the way. He doesn't get recognized as one of the more jacked wrestlers in WWE because of his outfit and age and the fact that's he's not especially "cut" in the abdomen area, but his musculature is remarkable for any age, especially his. I'm neither praising nor criticizing, but just observing, as the camera angle of him up close backstage in a different outfit than his ring outfit really spotlights how thick he is.

-Todd Grisham introduced the show and hyped a live edition of "The Dirt Sheet" with Miz and John Morrison later.

1 -- CHRISTIAN & MVP vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN & MARK HENRY (w/Tony Atlas)

Christian made his ring intro first. I'm still not sure what 1980s movie his entrance song was the theme to. They showed a replay of Christian winning the tri-branded battle royal last week. Grisham said two brands are represented in this tag match. What's the point of the brands if wrestlers continue to indiscriminately appear on multiple brands? Will this be addressed the week after WrestleMania 25 at the new draft? I'd like to see March officially deemed brand-border-free, which is basically has been, and just explain that G.M.s can book any wrestlers from any brand if those wrestlers are willing to sign on for matches off of their brand. It's that easy, and then the brand split in general has some integrity and consistency otherwise. They cut to a break before the two minute mark.

[Commercial Break]

Striker said the "Superstars" are scouting each other in matches such as this to look for an advantage they could gain at WrestleMania. Nice effort to make the match seem relevant beyond just who wins. Christian and Shelton had a nice series of spots at 7:00. A bit of chaos broke out and then Shelton finished Christian with Pay Dirt.

WINNERS: Shelton & Henry in 8:00 when Shelton pinned Christian.

STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Basic decent action in a short TV tag match. The humbling of Christian continues. Let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks they can go to TNA for a few years and boost their standing when they return to WWE. Christian is being treated as less of a star now than when he left WWE for TNA, although that could all change at WrestleMania 25 since he'd be considered a favorite to win the MITB match. If he wins MITB, then these early jobs and tepid push was just a test of sorts to make sure he was willing to pay some dues before getting a deserved push.

[Q2]

-A "12 Rounds" commercial aired.

-Finlay went looking for Hornswoggle. He ran into D.J. Gabriel and Alicia Fox. They were dancing and listening to their iTunes. The massively muscular Gabriel said he hadn't seen Hornswoggle. He made some comment about Alicia that Gabriel didn't hear.

[Commercial Break]

-A WrestleMania 20 Flashback aired. Clips aired of Steve Austin stunning Brock Lesnar and then Bill Goldberg after sharing a beer with him (quite symbolic, and known to be at the time), John Cena making his WrestleMania debut (they ignored his opponent The Big Show, not evening showing him, which was odd). It highlighted Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero, but while the narrator referred to Eddie Guerrero by name, Kurt Angle was referred to only as an "Olympic Gold Medalist." No mention of the actual main event, which featured Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H (so far, so good) vs. Chris Benoit. They could have found a clip of Michaels and Hunter without Benoit in the shot, but didn't even go there (nor did they need to). It's always interesting to see the choices made when splicing together clips in terms of what's included and excluded. The term used to describe Guerrero is worth further note. He described as "incorrigible," the definition of which is "Incapable of being corrected or reformed" and "Difficult or impossible to control or manage." Take from that what you will or nothing at all, but remember that nothing in WWE is accidental.

2 -- EVAN BOURNE vs. JAMIE NOBLE

Boy, in another universe this could be a 20 minute match of the year candidate right now. Striker made an "Iceman" King Parsons reference. They showed the very musclar Tyson Kid and Natalya watching the match on a monitor backstage. He faces the winner of this match. Not sure why Tyson is worthy of more of a push than Noble at this point; maybe he'll prove why over time, but Noble continues to be underpushed. Grisham referred to a kick Noble took to the face as a "blow right to the kisser." Any announcer who refers to someone's mouth as "the kisser" should be suspended for six months. Leave that to Gorilla Monsoon DVD footage from the 1980s, please. Announcers have basically been broken down into two categories over the years - the (lousy) ones who use terms like "the kisser" and (good) ones who don't. Bourne showed of fsome of his signature spots including a standing moonsault and his finisher. The announcers treated Bourne's return as a big deal.

WINNER: Bourne in 3:00 with the Shooting Star Press.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Too short to be a full fledged good match, but the three minutes it lasted was good. How could it not be with these two?

-Finlay continued to look for Hornswoggle backstage. He found him tormenting Katie Lea backstage, throwing water and food at her.

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

-A Smackdown ad hyped that ECW wrestlers would be at the 500th episode of Smackdown on Friday night.

-WWE Fact: "This Friday Smackdown celebrates its 500th episode. By accomplishing this in 10 years, Smackdown becomes the fastest weekly episodic show to reach this milestone in U.S. primetime history." That's about as pointless a fact as I've seen spotlighted. I mean, it's basically saying Smackdown, as the only show of its kind, is the first show of its kind to accomplish anything and everything.

-WWE Fact: Jack Swagger, by winning the ECW Title, is the first wrestler named Jack Swagger to become ECW Champion.

-Jack Swagger walked out onto the stage. He said knows fans missed him last week. He said he wanted to give fans a chance to feast their eyes on him, just to be fair and all. He held his title belt in the air. That's it. Prediction: Swagger will be in one of the top two matches on WrestleMania 27.

-Tiffany presented an idea to Teddy Long. She suggested they do "Divas Night" next week on ECW. She said nothing like that has ever been done before. It'd be a good way to promote the 25 Diva Battle Royal at WrestleMania. Gail Kim should debut on that show, or at WrestleMania 25.

-Paul Burchill, with Katie Lea, complained about Hornswoggle throwing corned beef and cabbage at her. Long said Finlay likes to fight, so he'll book them against one another.

-They showed Grisham and Striker at ringside. Grisham asked if he can punch Striker in the face because he's not wearing green. Striker said, "You could try..." Grisham didn't, as far as we know.

[Commercial Break]

-A video recap aired of the Edge-Vickie-Big Show developments from Raw. The music mocks the whole tone of the angle, really undercutting a viewer's ability to get emotionally involved in it other than snicker a bit at the whole "lite comedy" vibe it gives off. That's not the type of hype that sells tickets as a main event at the biggest show of the year.

3 -- FINLAY (w/Hornswoggle) vs. PAUL BURCHILL (w/Katie Lea)

Hornswoggle leaped onto the announce table acting drunk. He wanted Striker's headset. Finlay battled Burchill at ringside. Finlay was distracted for a second by Hornswoggle, so Burchill shoved Finlay back-first into the ring apron. He then took over inside the ring. Finlay made a comeback at 3:00. He finished Burchill with the Celtic Cross.

WINNER: Finlay in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4* -- Short, but fine.

[Q4]

[Commercial Break]

-"The Dirt Sheet" began with Miz and Morrison in the ring with the Bella Twins. Morrison said he sees why they say everything is fatter in Texas. Miz said it's "bigger, not fatter." Miz called Bri "Twin A." She corrected him, then he called her Twin A anyway and said, "Why have you chosen us over the Colons," using the anatomical pronunciation. Twin B said they've chosen them because they like winners. Morrison said they've chosen wisely. Twin A didn't seem to agree with Twin B (as they may forever be known!).

They showed a clip of Miz & Morrison beating the Colons. Miz introduced The Colons as their guests. They put on the butt masks. The Twins A & B laughed as Miz and Morrison made farting noises and said they really stink. The actual Primo and Carlito walked out. They had stagehands bring the set for Carlito's Cabana with them. Carlito said they look better with the masks on. Morrison's mock laughter in response was funny.

Primo introduced it as Primo's Cabana. Carlito slapped Primo on the back of the head. Carlito said Miz and Morrison are their "not so special guests." Morrison asked why they'd want to be guests on their so-called special show. Primo & Carlito challenged them to a match at WrestleMania 25 to unify the two tag team titles. Does this mean all tag teams will wrestle on all brands, tag teams will all be grouped on one brand, or there will be no brands at all after WrestleMania 25? Hmmm.

When Miz and Morrison told the Colons to "be jealous," the Colons spit out their apples. Miz and Morrison ducked and the chewed apple got all over Twins A. Twin B laughed at Twin A. Twin A shoved her down. They had a brawl on the mat as the two teams pulled them apart. Nice to see something related to the tag team titles get top billing, even if it's just top billing on ECW.

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