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In its brief history, WWE Unforgiven has already brought us the Inferno Match, the Kennel from Hell, and Big Show's naked bloody ass. What will this year's outing bring? My best guess is a nauseous feeling in the stomachs of wrestling fans across the nation as they realize they've just wasted $40 of their trailer payment. However, because I remember those few times in the past that WWE has surprised me with a decent show, I will be shelling out the cash and running to the bathroom just like the rest of you. Because I am stupid enough to pay for the show, I will inevitably have some casual fans show up to my party that would never spend a dime of their own on WWE TV, but love to watch it for free at my house. I've come to live with the fact that it's impossible to get around hearing them comment on how huge that one guy is or how fake the punches look, but by writing this handy little run down of the card and its surrounding feuds, I do at least save myself a few exasperating questions. Hopefully, this guide can be of some benefit to others in my same situation.
WWE Championship (the spinner belt)
Randy Orton challenges John Cena
Randy Orton became the number one contender to Cena's title leading into last month's Summerslam pay-per-view. At Summerslam, Orton gave Cena all he had (read: lots of chinlocks), but it wasn't enough to keep Cena from planting him with an FU and scoring the three-count in the middle of the ring. The following night on Raw, Orton was informed that the WWE went by a strict system of contender-ship rankings and he could not have a rematch, unless, of course, he proved that he really wanted one. To do so, Orton kicked John Cena's dad in the face and gave him a nasty bruise. Cena was so angry that he suspended William Regal for using steroids, er, put him out of action with a vicious STFU. Since I feel like the smart thing to do here is attempt to give life to the product by putting the title on Orton for a few months, I'm going to predict that Cena wins cleanly.
World Championship (the big gold belt)
Rey Mysterio vs. Batista vs. Khali (champion)
Just one week after returning from knee surgery, Rey Mysterio won a brief tournament to become the number one contender to the Great Khali. However, shortly thereafter Khali confronted Rey and squeezed his head as hard as he could. He squeezed it so hard that Rey was probably going to die from it if his old buddy Batista hadn't showed up to save the day. Since Batista was nice enough to save Rey from dying and all, general manager Teddy Long decided to make this match a three-way. This match should be a prime time to take one of those "I just blew my trailer payment" emergency bathroom breaks.
Triple H vs. Carlito
Triple H said some pretty nasty things about Carlito in a recent edition of WWE Magazine, but Carlito wasn't too bothered by that. The thing that really upset Caribbean Cool was Triple H attempting to embarrass Mr. McMahon by claiming he had slept with Carlito's apple-swallowing sister. Those remarks prompted Carlito to hit Triple H with his patented back-stabber and then go out and get a really bad hair-cut. Since that time Triple H has chased Carlito all over arenas around the country and embarrassed him in nearly every way imaginable. Unforgiven is Carlito's chance to get revenge on Triple H for his high school bully like antics. Wait a minute, who is the heel in this feud? I guess it must be Carlito because evil GM Jonathon Coachman says that Carlito gets to have no DQ rules while Triple H must fight fair and square. In the end, Carlito will pull out every trick in the book and it won't be enough to slay the cerebral assassin.
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
Mark Henry is a Silverback and he is not scared of anyone, including the Undertaker. To prove that he's not scared, every week on Smackdown he has a two minute match with a local jobber and then tells the boys in the truck to cue a video promoting the fact that he once injured Undertaker by squishing him into a pole and now the Taker is fully recovered and coming out of Death Valley to destroy him. Hey, Silverbacks are big and strong; no one ever claimed they were smart.
WWE Women's Championship
Beth Phoenix challenges Candice Michelle
WWE is constantly torn between putting their Women's Title on an un-athletic hot babe who is willing to get naked for Playboy and an ugly chick who can actually wrestle. This match is the quintessential battle between the two. What I don't understand is why WWE doesn't just permanently leave the belt on Mickie James, who is super hot, can actually wrestle, and is willing to show hard-core vajayjay for magazines who pay much less than Playboy.
WWE Tag Team Championship
Deuce & Domino challenge MVP & Matt Hardy
Deuce & Domino are 1950s goons from the other side of the tracks. They come to the ring with doo-wop music and a 1950s convertible wearing white tee shirts and black leather jackets. Their finishing move is called "Crack 'em in da Mouth." MVP and Matt Hardy have probably been the two best characters in the WWE recently in their classic storyline of reluctant partners (see Austin/Michaels, Rock/Jericho, and Snitzky/Tomko), but it just isn't enough to make anyone truly care about a match involving the over-gimmicked mess that is Deuce & Domino. Prediction...MVP leaves Hardy out to dry and Hardy loses after the Crack 'em in da Mouth. I can't believe I just typed that.
ECW Championship
Elijah Burke challenges C.M. Punk
Thank God for the fact that Johnny Nitro Morrison slipped up and got caught ordering drugs. Not that he's a bad wrestler, but I don't think I could have handled one more version of Morrison over Punk for the ECW Title. This match-up, on the other hand, is fresh, has been built very well considering the circumstances, and features two of the best young performers in the WWE. Prediction: WWE will slate the match to last 1 minute and 45 seconds, Punk will be hugely over with the crowd and Burke will win fair and square in the middle of the ring.
World Tag Team Championship
London & Kendrick challenge Cade & Murdoch
For obvious racially motivated reasons, Cade & Murdoch loathe Cryme Tyme and Cryme Tyme loathes Cade & Murdoch. Cryme Tyme spent weeks stealing hats and costing Cade & Murdoch matches and it was all ready to come to a head at Unforgiven. But, oops, Cryme Tyme pissed off the wrong referee and got fired. With London & Kendrick the only other non-steroid using team on the roster they were naturals to step into the number one contender spot. The feud hasn't been built well, but at least the match should be fun to watch if it's given any time. My prediction: London & Kendrick run to the ring as fast as they can and wear weird masks which they will immediately remove. No one will know why. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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