Marc R. Warzecha, TorchWarz@yahoo.com

Umaga, the Samoan Bulldozer, dominates and destroys his competition in WWE. He entered the company just a few short years ago and has left a litter of broken bodies in his wake. He is a barbarian unleashed, plucked from the Samoan wilderness and released on WWE.

But when the average WWE fan watches Umaga each week on Raw, questions about the beast come to mind. With no one to help him along, no manager or friend, one wonders:

How the hell does this man consistently get to the arena?

What about cars, flights, and hotels?

Does he make those noises all of the time?

In this Special Report, WWS set out to find the answers to these questions by sending our only reporter – me - on undercover assignment to follow Umaga and figure out exactly how this barbaric monster is able to negotiate life on the road.

Monday, Nov 26
Charlotte, NC
11: 24pm

It is just a few minutes after Monday Night Raw has gone off the air. I wait outside the arena, near where the wrestlers exit, as Jeff Hardy signs autographs for dozens of fans. Jeff Hardy has showered, changed and is looking well rested as his tag team match with Triple H vs. Umaga and Snitsky was the first of the night.

Suddenly, Umaga bursts out of the building.

Umaga is still in his ring gear, and is in a rage. Grunting and screaming in his Samoan jungle gibberish, he's clearly been looking for Hardy since the tag match earlier. Hardy jumps into the driver seat of his rented 2008 Honda Civic and begins to peel away.

Umaga jumps on top of the car and hangs on.

Monday, Nov 26
Charlotte, NC
11:58pm

My cab races up to the Marriott Charlotte City Center just in time to see Jeff Hardy handing his keys to the valet. Umaga leaps off the roof. A shocked Hardy bolts inside. Umaga pursues, and is distracted only briefly by the terrified valet guy who receives a Samoan spike. Hardy gets a few more precious seconds to escape when Umaga repeatedly gets stuck in the confusing revolving door. Finally, he smashes through the glass and enters.

"So this is how he gets to the hotel," I realize.

Tuesday Nov 27
12:12am
Charlotte Marriott

Umaga is loose in the Marriott lobby.

The piano player in hotel bar Savanna Red attempts to soothe the savage beast with a moving version of "Memories" from Cats, but to no avail. Umaga spikes him, climbs up on the bar, and splashes the piano to splinters.

He sniffs the air and catches a whiff of Hardy's scent. He rushes towards the elevators. I follow in hot pursuit and watch Umaga collide headfirst with the elevator door. He does this again and again. Finally, I approach slowly and press the "up" button. The button responds with a "ding." Umaga stops and looks straight into my eyes.

I piss my Khakis.

He gets closer and closer and for a second I think I see a glint of something - was it understanding - in his eyes. The elevator door opens and he climbs in with a grunt. I am amazed as he slowly extends one finger and pushes a button on the wall. He saw what I did and mimicked my behavior!

Maybe he's more than just a ruthless monster. Maybe somewhere deep inside he's…

The elevator doors close.

Tuesday Nov 27
1:14am
Charlotte Marriott

I throw on my handy Ric Flair disguise and approach the Marriott manager. I've got to find out what room Jeff Hardy is in or this investigation is over. A glace at his nametag gets the conversation started.

"Roger? It's me. The Na-na-na-Nature boy. Remember when parted together Horsemen style in the penthouse back in '86?"

"Ric Flair?"

"Sure. I mean…Whoooo!"

"You're not Ric Flair. Get the hell outta here."

Realizing that the biggest investigation of my life has come to an end, my eyes well up with tears. I begin to cry.

"Wait a minute," manager Roger says. "You are Ric Flair! Nobody cries that fast except the Na-na-na-Nature boy! It's been a while. Jesus Christ, you don't still wrestle do you?"

After a quick run down of the last 21 years of Flair's career and an apology for the STD Roger contracted in '86 after "partying" with one of Flair's leftover ring rats, he pulls up Hardy's room: #1248. Hardy's got to be in his room right now, the Roger confides, because he just ordered an adult movie suite on Spectravison. It's ironically called Team XXXtreme and features the films Swantons of Boobs, Whisper Wetly in my Wind, and chubby chaser fetish film: Twist of Fat.

Jeff Hardy is in danger.

Tuesday Nov 27
1:18am
Charlotte Marriott
12th Floor

The door to room #1248 has been scratched and clawed at. The doorknob has been ripped off. But the door still stands. Jeff Hardy must have barricaded himself in.

Lying in front of the door in tattered shreds of carpet is Umaga, sound asleep. As he lays there passed out from exhaustion, I almost feel sorry for the beast.

How many nights at a time on WWE tours has he spent on hotel floors like this? Has he ever known the comforts of a real hotel?

A bed? A robe? Free HBO?

Coming soon – Part 2 of this WWS Special Report!

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