CONGRESS PASSES STERN RESOLUTION VOWING TO COME DOWN ON THE WRESTLING INDUSTRY BY CALLING VINCE MCMAHON MORE NAMES – POSSIBLY INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO: DUMMY, STUPID HEAD, AND NOT-SHOWING-UP-WHEN-WE-SAID-SO-IDIOT-GUY
SHAWN MICHAELS EXECUTES 1,000th CONSECUTIVE INVERTED ATOMIC DROP WITHOUT MAKING ANY CONTACT WITH HIS OPPONENT
"IF WE HAD INDUCTED HIS DAD ONE YEAR, AND HIS GRANDFATHER THE NEXT, WE COULD HAVE FORCED HIM TO COME BACK TWICE, RIGHT? NOW WE THINK OF THIS. G— DAMN IT."
WWS Top Stories:
HOGAN AND ANGLE HAVE ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITHOUT EVER TELLING THE TRUTH Interpromotional News
Professional Wrestling Superstars Hulk Hogan and Kurt Angle engaged in a lengthy phone conversation recently, the transcript of which has been leaked to WWS courtesy of the NSA. (Thanks Patriot Act!)
Amazingly, the entire conversation between the two men takes place without either one of them telling the truth, ever. While "working" others in such a way has become so engrained in the two men it most likely seemed like a typical conversation for both, an honest reader will find it a remarkable example of two people totally lost in their own bulls**t.
HOGAN
Hello? Who's this?
ANGLE
Hey brotha, it's Kurt. Didn't I come up on your caller ID?
HOGAN
Nah, I don't have caller ID.
ANGLE
Me neither. How you feeling, brother?
HOGAN
Healthy.
ANGLE
Oh, me too. Healthy.
HOGAN
Never felt better.
ANGLE
I feel young, you know?
HOGAN
Young, flexible and mobile.
ANGLE
Young, flexible, mobile, and sober.
HOGAN
Young, flexible, mobile, sober, and not the least bit insecure.
ANGLE
How's Linda?
HOGAN
Begging for me to come back. I was just sitting here by the pool thinking about how faithful I've been to her these past thirty years. How's Karen?
ANGLE
As sweet and gentle as ever. Nick and Brooke?
HOGAN
Well adjusted. Great heads on their shoulders.
ANGLE
Hey brother, I heard you and Eric are starting a new International Wrestling Promotion.
HOGAN
Already running house shows.
ANGLE
You know my contract with TNA goes until 2097, but they do let me work anywhere else I want, whenever I want. I love to work with you, and Eric's a great guy.
HOGAN
Great guy.
ANGLE
Hell of a great guy.
HOGAN
Normal guy. Not weird at all.
ANGLE
No. And generous. I read his book twice.
HOGAN
I read it three times, brotha.
ANGLE
I loved it so much I cut it into small pieces, boiled it, and ate it while I prayed that his words would digest into my body and I could remember them eternally.
HOGAN
The new promotion is gonna be global, brotha. Huge. You want in, we'll give you a sweet deal. Couple of TV tapings a year and a couple of PPV's.
ANGLE
You've got TV?
HOGAN
All three networks in prime time. Plus youtube and google.
ANGLE
You'll be on those?
HOGAN
We bought em. And PPV's live every night. I can’t talk long about it right now, brotha, cause I'm training for Wrestlemania.
ANGLE
Yeah, I knew you'd do a surprise run in at Wrestlemaina.
HOGAN
You can’t have a Wrestlemania with out the Hulkster, brotha. I'm gonna to a run in, punk out Mayweather and slam the Big Show. It's gonna be bigger than Wrestlemaina 3.
ANGLE
Watching you slam Andre was the greatest moment of my life.
HOGAN
Andre's too.
ANGLE
I know, he told me last night in a dream.
HOGAN
I'll never forget the roar of the crowd. 190,000 people in the Sliverdome.
ANGLE
How could I forget, I was in the front row.
HOGAN
I remember, I saw you. I didn't know who you were but I glanced out in the front row and caught a glimpse of you just as I had all 900 pounds of the Giant up the air. I said to my self "that kid's gonna be an Olympic Gold Medallist in 1996 in Atlanta."
ANGLE
I watched that entire Wrestlemaina with a broken friggen neck.
HOGAN
I know.
ANGLE
It's true. It's damn true.
HOGAN
I never forget when I slammed Andre down and the whole ring collapsed around us. He was laying there dying, you know. And as he breathed his last breath he looked up at me and said, "Hulkster, the torch is passed."
ANGLE
I heard him.
HOGAN
The giant passed the torch to me. And if you wanna come in for us, I want to do the same for you. Lay down and finally pass the torch to the greatest wrestler in this business, Kurt Angle.
ANGLE
I know you'd do that for me, brother. I can start tonight.
HOGAN
I'll fax you the contract from my MacAir. Oh – gonna go Vince is on the other line.
ANGLE
Funny, Vince is on my other line too.
HOGAN
Great talking to you.
ANGLE
Always.
MR. MCMAHON EXPLAINS WWE WELLNESS REHIRING POLICY WWE Wellness News
Recently, WWE Superstar Jeff Hardy was suspended for violating WWE's wellness program. The suspension raised questions about why Jeff Hardy was rehired after years of drug problems, a history of being unreliable, and no time spent in rehab.
Mr. McMahon sat down with WWS to explain the policy in depth.
"Deciding to rehire a WWE superstar with a history of drug problems is something I take very seriously," Mr. McMahon explained.
"There is a set policy in place and it includes 5 specific steps. Let's take Jeff Hardy for example. First, I call the independent contractor into my office. I tell him that I'd like to offer him his job back with WWE and that this time around I'd like to give him a gi-normous push.
"Then I ask him if he has been using drugs while away from WWE. Sometimes the independent contractor will say 'no' and look away. So right there I know that he is lying and I end the meeting. But, if he looks straight at me when he says no, I'm convinced and we move on to Step 2.
"In Step 2 I get in very, very close to the independent contractor. Almost nose to nose. I say – very sternly – I say, 'Do you swear?'
"If he says yes then I say, 'Do you swear on your Mother's grave?'
"If says yes again, we move on to the next step. I sneak into Step 3 by pretending like I'm walking away from the independent contractor. Suddenly I spin around really quickly and yell, 'When is the last time you used drugs?!'
"If they say 'today', I do not rehire them. If they say anything else or don't answer at all, we move on to the next step.
"Now it gets tough.
"I hover over the independent contractor and ask, 'If you did drugs before and now you don't, how did you stop?' This is a tricky because there is really only one answer I will accept. The independent contactor has to tell me that they dug down deep and made themselves stop using their own testicular fortitude.
"Sometimes they don’t say that exactly. Sometimes they say stuff like 'I'm taking it one day at a time', or 'I don’t think I can ever really be sure that I won't use again.' If this happens I look at them slyly and say, 'Don't you mean that you stopped by using your own testicular fortitude?'
"If he says anything but no, we move on to the last step. In the last step I make him pinky swear not to use drugs. Even if they really want to, and even if it really hurts.
"Then I extend my pinky, and the deal is done.
"I did all of this with Jeff Hardy. I don’t know what happened to the guy. I guess he just didn't want his main event push bad enough."
