By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

This Report's Theme: “Burlap Bags Equal Ratings"

RAW
August 11, 2008

Tag Team Champions That Can't Coexist? Nah, Really?

WWE was right in having John Cena point out the fact that they didn't need to have a "Indian Broken Glass Arm Wrestling Contest" (WWE sure loves them some arm wrestling), "Muscle Posing Showoff" or a "Vince getting his ass chewed out by Hornswoggle" bit to properly hype a feud. What they needed to do is to say the name "Mike Adalme" a lot to get him over and have Michael Cole throw out the tired phrase "the unlikest of tag team champions." Really? Didn't I hear the same line for the tag team of Cody Rhodes and Hardcore Bob Holly?

Couldn't have Cena done a freestyle rap about Batista like in the old days? "Yo, Batista is like chopped liver I'm Michael Phelps I don't settle for silver." Then he could have topped it off by throwing a bag of nuts at Batista. That is "exemplary WWE television programming." Ted Dibase and Cory Rhodes at least got some love with being in the same room as with Batista and Cena. I would like it if newly won belts didn't look painted on during the wrestler's portraits, but eh. Brawls in WWE do look like real brawls. I'm sure that falls in line with "exemplary television programming" that WWE applauds itself on with solving conflict by punching the other dude in the mouth. Slowly but surely wrestling contests in WWE will be replaced with arm wrestling contests.

The Italian Stallion Santino, Regal's Shirt To Cover Flab, and Chris "Chicken Legs" Jericho

I could watch Santino comedy on every Raw. The character of Santino right now is unique in both WWE and TNA, as no one can quite match his "I've just won the Super Bowl" celebrations at the end of the match. Please more of Regal kicking ass and Jericho trying to do the same with his skinny legs. Don't call him Y2J anymore, call him "Chicken Legs."

Did You Know... That This Is Propaganda?

It started off cute. These little "Did You Know" bits mention little things, such as stage equipment, world travel, etc. But now they are going for the throat it seems. On Raw the "Did You Know" stated that Smackdown had three times the number of viewers than the X-Games on ESPN. Well whoopee doo. Whatever happened to the video package of Cena urging kids not to take steroids? Shhh... what's that word? Is it "hypocrites"?

Take A Drink, Cinderella

The best bit on Raw was the C.M. Punk-JBL bit. WWE needed to hit a homerun for this feud and they got it. In case you missed it, here is what happened. Underneath that sheet was a can of Coca-Cola. JBL rambled on how Coke was doing big business with the Olympics, while Punk's Pepsi is seen as nothing more but a fad and not a "true champion." Punk came out and said that "this is the Pepsi Generation, and I believe in it so much that I got the Pepsi logo tattooed on my shoulder." Mike Adalme announced that their Summerslam match (a Mike Adalme Original) was going to be a "Soda Showdown." Crowd was stunned. What really happened was a nice dialogue with JBL calling Punk "Cindy" and the Punker with this nice line: "Sometimes it's what you don't do that makes you who you are." TNA's Sting playing the "moral guard" is just making us all very confused and very sad. I guess TNA expects fans wouldn't stay tuned to "money promos," so that's why they seemingly have all of the wrestlers screaming at the top of their lungs that "they're going to break the other person's neck and end this lukewarm feud at the next PPV, but it won't end due to interference but I'm still mad for some reason blah blah blah." C.M. Punk wants you to listen to the straight-edge band "Minor Threat."

Give Me The Bag, Man!

Mike "Reaganomics" Adalme wants the bag from Kane to protect little school children. Because in the WWE universe school kids are repeating Cena's lines (hint: they're not). Kane being forced by Mike Adalme to give up his bag could have been a lot funnier if there were drugs in the bag. I know what you were expecting. You were expecting Mike Adalme to play up the heel role. Instead Adalme played the caring psychiatrist/chaplain that repeated his rehearsed lines over and over. Zzzzz. It's not Kane's mask? Whose mask could it be? Slipknot? Quiet Riot? Batman? Jeff Jarrett? No, it's Rey Mysterio's. I'm guessing that Rey has been locked up in Kane's basement since Rey's victory over Santino, which must have drove Kane over the edge. Because Kane and Santino are lovers. You laugh, but inside of your brain a tiny part gasps and says, "It might be true in the world of pro wrestling." Mike Adalme seems to be shooting for the role of "the most un-electrifying man in sports entertainment! If you can stomach what the WWE is pushin'!"

RAW'S FINAL VERDICT: A Little Absurd: Fans could have done without Cena's "we don't need no stinkin arm wrestling contests" sleep-inducing tirade and a lack of a real solid wrestling contest, but Raw was very entertaining. The greatness of Santino covers up the blandness of Adalme, but nothing could have covered up the absurdity of the "Kane and his little burlap bag" bit. Main mission was to push Cena-Batista and JBL-C.M. Punk, and they did so. Raw continues its routine of having a great Raw before the PPV, but still Summerslam is weak due to the lack of time WWE had in pushing these feuds. And they had to push Mike Adalme too, you know.

ECW
August 12, 2008

It's The Miz and Morrison Show

John Morrison is the second best comedic wrestler in WWE (behind Santino): "We're the Pineapple Express of the WWE, baby." It's actually refreshing that the WWE actually mentions the outside present world. Unless you want a heavy dose of the knee-slapping humor that is Cena ("If I say things fast and loud enough, the crowd will cheer, even if it doesn't make sense!") and Triple H ("Boy, I am a comedic genius. What can't I do?)." I wouldn't be surprised if John Morrison is injured, given the circumstances surrounding the finish of the main event.

ECW Announcing Is Back on Track

What I like about Matt Striker is that he is already ten times better than Mike Adalme ever was. I thought his announcing during the Evan Bourne (call up the marketing department and get that man a t-shirt) vs. Bam Neely was good. Both men did a nice job here. Of course, people might say that Evan Bourne is just WWE's version of A.J. Styles and I say, he hasn't had to wear a reindeer outfit on national television like the phenomenal one. Yet. What I like about the announcing is that it feels "real." Too many times the announcing on wrestling shows feels too scripted. When John Grisham talks about how people can read John Morrison's poetry on WWE.com if they have nothing better to do... it's not much, but I still appreciate it. These two guys are a nice combination.

Other Various Tidbits

How faint are those "ECW" chants? It's not like the holy hell that the original ECW fans would unleash back in 1997. Vince must have thought this: "I don't care about the product. I don't care about the company. All I care about is the name"... How creepy (and good) was that Smackdown video recap? It reminds me of a old story where a good man has to face a monster, and in order to prove to the monster that he is ready to fight, he sacrifices his own family... The "Irish Jig" bit was nice to watch... Does Armando Estrada wear guyliner?... Is Colin Delaney heading back to Ohio State Wrestling?... The power of the WWE universe wants you to know that more viewers watched Raw than a meaningless preseason football game... I may not hate Ricky Ortiz after all...

ECW'S FINAL VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity: I like what they are doing with the announcers and Evan Bourne. However, Colin Delaney, Armando Estrada, and Matt Hardy vs. Mark Henry aren't setting the world on fire. The wrestlers did a nice job here, though.

LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT: I view wrestling as a three-ring circus. You need good storytelling, but you also need comedy. You also need light, and you also need dark. When a wrestling company features too much of one thing (i.e. hardcore weapon matches), you run the real risk of burning out the viewers. Wrestling companies, please note that comedy involves fans laughing and chuckling, and not fans being exposed to insulting, boring, dim-witted material. Because I think you forget at times.

"The Absurdity of it All" will appear every Wednesday and Saturday. Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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