By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

The Undertaker rose up from a casket to talk to Jeffy on the last Smackdown. On Impact, the Main Event Mafia found it prudent enough to bring in a casket to emphasize Christian's burial. Excuse me if I find the whole thing a bit lazy. And no, not the type of burial that Triple H gave Kozlov.

On the other channels we have Steelers vs. Bengals and a doubleheader basketball game. Meanwhile both WWE and TNA shovel out the usual standard drivel. Not really "must-see TV." Thus, lately I have been urging for a monster truck to appear on a wrestling show. Forget the stale crud that goes on, I want to see Monster Truck Mania. Kurt Angle gets in a big monster truck and crushes Mick Foley's green car. Something. Because fans know that a "loaded card on Impact" will often mean "lots of useless storyline advancement."

Rhino won't stand for Christian getting beat down! That's right! So that's why he waited until next week to do something about it! Rhino, your friend in need.

Christian: "Dude, help me. TNA's trying to be cool by making me look like a WWE chump and having MEM beat me up."

Rhino: "Sorry, dude. I can't help you. I got to go out to a club. Show my dance move, "Gore the Whore." Oh yeah. Maybe you should have accepted your TNA role, you Canadian son of a bitch. Thanks to my previous work of threatening to gore women and deport American citizens, I am being pushed to fight Angle at the PPV!"

Rhino, never really good at math, decides to take on MEM after being accused of having no balls. Them fighting words. "Balls" is apparently the word that Spike TV wants TNA wrestlers to say more. He gets beaten up and rolled into the casket. Nobody comes out to help poor Rhino.

The only outcome out of this was to have MEM beat up Rhino and Rhino gets pushed. It's just a bit cheesy that TNA writers cannot think up of something original with the whole casket thing.

Joe and A.J. Styles vs. the Motor City Machine Guns? I'm guessing that MEM will jump them. Although wouldn't it be great if they had their own match without any outside interference? But that won't happen.

I am surprised TNA didn't have a backstage skit of Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal celebrating their victory. Probably because they knew the match and the outcome does not mean a damn thing. Viewers can watch something that is pointless and inconsequential, or go over to watch some of the basketball and football game.

Suicide video packages: four months and counting...He's going to take his revenge. He's going to lay down the final judgment on all of the poor wretches and evil doers of the world. But seemingly not in 2008. Because he cannot find a way out of that damn basement. He's going to wait 'till 2009 apparently. And I'm supposed to go ape shit when he shows up.

The Feast or Fired match was definitely something to behold. That reminds me: will TNA get all stupid again and throw together another "Thanksgiving" Impact where the loser has to dress up like a turkey? Ooh, Christmas is coming up. Prepare for a "Christmas Lights Cage Match" and my favorite, your potential breakout star A.J. Styles loses a ladder match and has to wear a reindeer outfit! Yeah!

Psst: titles are a joke in TNA. Only in TNAland would Eric Young, who won a lesser title but got stripped of it, now have an opportunity to win a newly constructed title King Booker made up. "Young is the new Legends champion! Young wins! Young wins!" Apparently the bookers feel that wrestlers should get a title opportunity not because they necessarily deserve it, the fans want to see them win, or the fans desperately want to see the outcome. It just comes off as "fitting right into storylines." It is hard to believe. Eric Young was dressed up as a superhero and was pretty much sinking into obscurity. Now all of the sudden he's this huge deal? No dice. You cannot show Young in such a fashion in previous months and then expect fans to really believe that Young would be getting all of these title shots.

ODB vs. Sharmell? Whimper. I remember the faulty logic that Sharmell was "forced" to wrestle along with Booker against Robert Roode and his secretary inside a steel cage months ago.

MEM comes out to jump the Young Dorks after the match. Gee. Only thing worth noting here was the bit with Sting possibly joining sides with the Young Lions. But, as always, fans will have to wait till the PPV to see such changes happen.

Apparently Jim Cornette, Mick Foley, and Jeff Jarrett have power to book matches. You would expect a "power struggle" storyline somewhere here. But because it does not fit into the Young Lions-MEM storyline, no word of any squabbles will be ever mentioned.

TNA just can't resist name dropping ECW. No, the Young Lions do not resemble ECW, and neither does TNA for that matter. Once upon a time TNA was considered by many to be the "new ECW." TNA is doing two-minute matches for tourists while endlessly pumping up storylines in a largely confusing manner.

"Make the choice, man." That's right, Young Lions. Do the right thing. Give up. Go over to MEM and confess that you are inferior to them. Shine their boots. Carry their luggage. Why in good gravy would the Young Lions really care that they win? The threat is not all that horrible and you are not really getting the sense that the two sides really hate each other. That they will stop at nothing to see the other organization crumble.

Hermaphrodite Hermie gets a beat down. Maybe Foley should take a love tap by Kong next.

Total nonstop run-ins. It hurts my head understanding exactly why Beer Money cost Matt Morgan and Abyss their match, but whatever. If Kurt Angle and Kevin Nash are the number one contenders for Beer Money's tag team titles, they could do a bit next week of Beer Money "laying down" and giving Nash and Angle the titles. Scott Steiner could then smoke Bashir for the X Division championship and MEM would have a lot of gold on their waist. But presumably they are setting up Beer Money vs. Team 3D, so fans will have to wait till either of them chooses a side.

The call of the night was Tenay screaming, "This sucks! I lost all of my objectivity, and I don't give a damn!" Actually he said that during the "Raven gets his head shaved and gets bloody" bit years back. Would be refreshing if Don West yawned or the fans chanted to "change the channel." Maybe a real reason to hate MEM: They largely stink it up on Impact and save the best stuff for the PPV. But that's TNA in general.

The eight-man tag team match at Final Resolution does have an interesting bit with Sting either retaining or A.J. Styles winning. They have been hinting of the possibility of Sting getting kicked out of MEM, so this could be where the ball begins to roll.

The other news of the night: Angle vs. Rhino at the next PPV. You have to be friggin kidding me. Why not have Foley come out and just say, "Look, we are trying to drag out this Angle vs. Jarrett match, so we cooked up this lame match." I would have appreciated the honesty. But honesty is a tough sell when you are in the business of scamming and teasing.

If Young was going to be stripped of the title, why did TNA have backstage skits of the Young Dorks celebrating Young's win? It's either that Young is in trouble with TNA and had to lose the belt, or probably more to the fact that they needed to give the Young Lions a "meaningful" win of some sort. So they cooked up a bullcrap bit and in the end it meant nothing. They will time after time again go for the short-term effect and not really give a damn about the long-term outcome of storyline bits.

It would be nice if TNA had actual believable contenders for their titles. You know. What if Young wins the gold? What if? Instead I am flustered into how exactly why TNA expects me to believe that Young could be the new Legends championship in a believable fashion (and not played up for comedic effect).

While Rhino needed to get hyped up this show in facing Kurt Angle at the PPV, it does not hide the fact that for the past two months his only part in the show was a minor bit with saving Taylor Wilde and duking it out in a pointless match with Bashir. I don't understand why Angle has to beat Rhino to get a shot at Jarrett. Double J comes up and says that he won't let somebody take down his company... so he will have somebody else do his work for him (Abyss, Rhino).

TNA continues to shove aside character development and logic in order for the payoff. The main problem is that the payoff usually ends up being disappointing. Big deals in months past such as LAX nearly vanish, while Young and Rhino unbelievably are in the main event. I know that it doesn't matter to TNA, but there is something to be said about the fans believing what you are selling.

Can't you just show a meaningful match with meaningful outcomes? Why does TNA continually have their fans wade through garbage? If I don't care about your storylines or feuds and just want to see a entertaining match that means something, I am rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot. Because really good matches and meaningful bits are very hard to find on Impact.

It gets pointless after a while watching Impact because next month wrestlers could be shoved aside and new ones (who were doing pretty much nothing) will be put into play because it "fits in the storyline." That's garbage. Having largely junk matches does not help matters either. Fans are supposed to be entertained with mediocrity and applaud when they watch a two hour show and largely nothing of importance happens. Sure, PPV matches are announced and storylines are progressed, but it is largely done in lazy fashion. The whole Angle vs. Rhino is just goading fans to buying the PPV to see if Angle will be "fired" or will face Jarrett. Meanwhile Rhino could easily be shuffled into near obscurity like he was for the past two months.

POSTIVES

-- Styles and Joe vs. MCMG
-- Possible bits of Christopher Daniels returning and Sting joining the Young Dorks
-- Homicide's story of getting shot in the leg before a match
-- A soft space in my heart for the gentle and subdued ODB's Talk Show
-- They had to hype up Rhino, and they did (but not really in the best fashion)
-- Kong beats up on Hermie (at least not on "audience members" like months ago)
-- TNA likes to say "balls" a lot

NEGATIVES

-- The "funeral" proceeding for Christian, Rhino shows up to take revenge a week later
-- Considering Young being stripped of the title, are there any real reasons to care about the next #1 contender for the X Division title belt?
-- People like Eric Young and Rhino who were obscure for past months now suddenly are involved in big time matches
-- TNA still cannot resist talking about WCW, ECW and WWE
-- ODB vs. Sharmell at the next PPV? What the hell?
-- No reason to care at all for Young vs. Booker match
-- No reason to watch the total nonstop clunkiness of Nash-Angle vs. Morgan-Abyss
-- The banality and really crappy "we're trying to drag this Angle/Jarrett feud out so here is something that doesn't make a whole lot of sense pay us money" conclusion of the show

VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

LEAVING YOU WITH MY ABSURD THOUGHT

So that's why I wish to see a monster truck crush something on Impact. Because it is hard work to care about the standard crud that goes on in Impact. "Look! It's Abyss in his own monster truck! He's going to crush Angle! No, don't do it! Don't cross the line!"

The WWE Universe crosses the line! Quick Poll: Which is the worst phrase?

Also quick homework: go to wwe.com and see how just damn old Cena looks on their homepage. Geesh. Probably no shock to anyone, but they already have it listed that it will be a triple threat match between Trips, Kosdumb, and Jeffy.

Speaking about Jeffy and his new twisted character, I don't know of any wrestling storylines that dealt with current drug addiction. They might have cases where they mentioned it in part of a character's history (most of the time in real-life), but no one has been caught doing blow in the bathroom by the roving backstage camera guy. I also wouldn't expect TNA to do a meaningful storyline about Eric Young being addicted to meth or Joe and Styles encouraging MCMG to stop smoking weed. But wrestling sure likes to portray drinking beer. Although Stone Cold would probably not have the same effect if he was drinking tomato juice. The character of John Morrison apparently might be the only vegan in WWE and TNA.

Wrestling companies really want the payoff, and that's why they tend to go with storylines such as the tired Sonjay Dutt-SoCal Val-Jay Lethal love saga or Sting possibly leaving MEM. It is always dangerous territory when talking about drugs, so most of the times wrestling companies will stick with what works: xenophobia, revenge, Kip James in the worst cage match I ever seen. Good storylines are bits that really motivate and encourage people to see what will happen or what could possibly happen.

Whatever happened to that Cena commercial that urged kids to not do steroids?

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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