By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

"Oh yeah, Survivor Series is here
It might be the worst PPV of the year
WWE is banking on buys for Cena's return
All other matches and feuds they really left to burn
It feels like you're a WWE chump if you buy
What happened to the days when they actually tried?
But here he comes, to turn the tide
He's got WWE Investors on his side
The bean-counters and ones who watch the ratings
To fix the problem of fan excitement that is fading
And if that doesn't work, no need to complain or holler
Next Raw Vinnie Mac will again give away millions of dollars
Oh he's Cena and he is here to say
All of you haters better just shy away"

And so on (credit to pojoslam.blogspot.com for pic). Here is the absurd preview of "Chump Cycles".
 
Team Smackdown Divas vs. Team Raw Divas Elimination Match
 
Quick: Name all 10 combatants in this match. TNA's annual X division spotfest random match looks miles ahead of this garbage. There is nothing going into it and looks like there will be nothing coming out of it. Will WWE resort to outside crazy crap like Hornswoggle or Michael Cole dressed as a woman to make fans care about this match? This match got one tiny bit on Raw and that was it. WWE feels compelled to waste people's times, apparently. Even the greatness of Santino cannot hide the fact that I don't want to waste time with this match.
 
Here is what Survivor Series is this year: "Each team is made of some wrestlers who have some minor issues with each other". That's garbage. It could have been "Past WWE Divas vs. Current WWE Divas". Instead fans are treated to something that they will get on Smackdown, but just a tad bit longer. Junk.
 
VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry
 
HBK, Cryme Tyme, Rey Mysterio, Khali vs. JBL, JoMizzy, MVP, and Kane
 
"Well, all of these dudes have some sort of feuds with each other. Let's just slap them together for the PPV. Also, leading up towards the PPV we will have a lot of 'preview' matches taking place but apparently not even our own wrestlers care about the match itself"
 
Cryme Tyme and Khali are limited. A loser chump like MVP gets on the PPV. Why do I want to see a loser? Just for his character? Fans are supposed to give a damn that Khali cost MVP money. That whole bit had no effect on fans. Rey vs. Kane? Again? This feud died a month ago. HBK and JBL had a buildup like two schoolchildren threatening to beat the other up after school. The only highspot in terms of buildup was JoMizzy, who are looking to take over.
 
And exactly what motivation do wrestlers have in winning? Why should fans care about the outcome? WWE in large part put most of their eggs in John Cena and a Casket match. What the hell?
 
VERDICT: Very Absurd
 
Undertaker vs. Big Show Casket Match
 
You wouldn't think that after an epic Last Man Standing match, somehow a casket would be involved. The whole casket match thing could have worked, but it received too much overexposure and not a real convincing reason why fans should care or be scared that somebody will be locked inside a casket. Because there are no effects. Example? Chavo was shown to be doing just fine after being thrown in the casket. It's hokey.
 
So I can only wish that somehow, somehow (and this is stretching it) that Edge makes a return to Survivor Series, just like last year. "That's...that's Edge! He's in the casket! He's returned from hell!"
 
The whole thing is hokey and had bad buildup. From a preview standpoint I don't want to see this match.
 
VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry
 
Dave, Punk, Kofi, R-Truth, Matt Hardy vs. Orton, Rhodes, Regal, Henry and Benjamin
 
A bit better in terms of working a better elimination match in terms of athletic ability, but the whole buildup to this thing was basically Batista vs. Randy. Punk and Kofi are transparent tag team champions, R-Truth and Benjamin have their thing. And apparently, Matt has feuds with both Henry and Regal. Evan Bourne is missed here. Fans are a bit more motivated to care about what teams wins, due to the feud between Dave and Randy. But the buildup in general could have been a whole lot better, instead of "The Life of Cena" video packages playing on every show.
 
VERDICT: Very Absurd
 
Triple H vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Kozlov For The WWE Championship
 
Jeff is the intriguing part here, as for the past month WWE once again got on the Jeff train. Kozlov one week might look like a great badass, then next week he looks as dumb as a rock. Could be the outcome of Jeff pinning Kozlov, but I doubt it. "How will Trips overcome these odds?" Is it really asking too much of a champion to be involved in a triple threat match? It's like the WWE feel that Trips shouldn't even defend his title.
 
WWE in general doesn't usually put out great triple threat matches (formula of one guy being knocked outside while the other two fight inside the ring) but if handled properly this could be the match of the night. WWE begin to wake up with how Jeff's crazed character was built up, but I rather not see any more verbal interactions with Kozlov and Trips. Ever. I am intrigued with Jeff's crazed character and the PPV showing of Kozlov, but it could blow up in their faces.
 
VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity
 
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho For The World Heavyweight Championship
 
"Cole, look who it is! It's Mark Walberg!"
"King, look! It's the Boston Celtics! They told me that they came to see John Cena win!"
 
This could happen. But WWE is cheap nowadays. So it won't.
 
Jericho comes out and whips the crowd into a frenzy about them being "Cena Chumps". Cue up the long-ass entrance video of Cena working out after his injury. Fireworks. He proceeds to walk down the ramp while WWE soaks in the "Cena" chants. At least, that is what they are hoping for. The man was gone for about three months.
 
While the match itself is standard, the bigger question is this: Which John Cena will turn up? I look at Cena and all I can see is a bunch of investors and shareholders of the company behind him. Given the context of the situation and previous examples, fans will probably see the "safe" Cena showing up. This PPV could make somebody want to vomit from all of the force feeding of "safe, contrived WWE crap that doesn't motivate".
 
This being said, it is intriguing to see how the fans react and see how they handle the match. I have no doubts that Jericho will lose the title.
 
VERDICT: A Little Absurd
 
In general, WWE PPVs have been largely good to great. But "good will" will not last forever if the fans perceive that the product itself is gutless. This PPV could be greatly executed by the wrestlers and every match be worth the price of admission.
 
However, this PPV could also be a total drab dud that depends on Cena's return to somehow justify it all. For fans what they have going on is "previous good will" and "potential". We have weak feuds, no real reason to care about the outcome, hokey casket matches, hokey return matches, and a triple threat match that might just be "more of the same". The buildup was largely crud. I am interested in seeing how JoMizzy, Jeff, and Cena are handled. That's it.
 
SURVIVOR SERIES VERDICT: Very Absurd
 
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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