By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

One would have some "onions" to wear that AWA Cena shirt out in public. Somehow Cena doing a submission hold with his tongue hanging out like Michael Jordan... I wouldn't want to wear that to school.

Looks like the JPS is back (Jericho Personal Security). Why is it that whenever someone like JBL or Jericho bring out security, it consists of a bunch of weaklings. If you ever go to a WWE live event, take a look at the people whose job it is to keep people out of the ring. Their eyes are cold and lifeless.

Somebody who looks like Coach dares touches Jericho. Jericho goes on ranting about his hatred of Cena fans. Turns out that little Chris Jericho is a Cena fan. Jericho even puts himself in "the hall of fame" category (which he will enter). Jericho has forbid his son to watch WWE, because of Cena. So the little tyke has been watching TNA this whole time?

Jericho mentioning that his five-year old loves Cena was sort of a shock. We older fans are sometimes reminded that the WWE nowadays is geared towards the young ones. Is WWE trying to make John Cena the new Hulk Hogan?

What we like about Jericho is that he works hard at his job. It would have been easy for Jericho to spout off a standard promo railing on Cena, but with Jericho you get the extra effort.

Mike Knox sure likes to stare a lot. I wish they would stop describing heels as "a bully." At least they don't describe Orton as a bully. Orton's the type of guy who would rip off your neck and drink the blood that spurts out. I don't know what the plan was for Knox coming over to Raw. Looks like they want him to be in feuds with Evan Bourne and Rey Mysterio.

Here's Mike Knox!
He's the big ass mountain man
With the big ass beard man
What does he do?
He stares at you!
Oh yeah
Mommy what does this bully do?
He stands there and looks at you!

Jerks that tormented you in the third grade could take on Knox. If only every bully in the world did nothing but stare at their rivals... Knox wasn't stellar in his feud with Finlay. But here he is on Raw.

The mean Sarah Palin, Stephanie McMahon, doesn't give Layla the time of day. Wouldn't it be an automatic victory for the Miz if Mysterio is out? And what was the whole point of Layla talking to somebody on her cell phone? Odd.

Good showing here by Cody Rhodes. I was falling asleep in the formulaic tag team match, but Cody busts out a modified surfboard. I wish I could give you the proper term, but not even the announcers know. This isn't ECW or Smackdown where you can actually learn something from the announcers.

Whatever happened to Umaga?

Jerry Lawler drops "for the past few weeks Cody has developed a mean streak." Whenever an announcer talks about how somebody has developed a mean streak or has gotten more aggressive, that means that the particular person is getting a push. However, following up this statement with Cody being "brash and ignorant" means nothing to me. It's tacked-on.

The tag team champs Punk and Kofi are a horrible tag team. Individually they are great. But not once did viewers see any sort of tag team moves, quick tags in and out, or any other sense of unity. Punk was getting his ass kicked and got bailed by Kofi. So hearing the announcers say "oh what a great tag team this is insert propaganda" means nothing. They are just holding the belts.

They probably shot all of these DX Christmas skits on a Saturday in New Jersey. If you missed it, they will show it on ECW and Smackdown. In bits like these, they only care about the outcome (more revenue). I sure that concerns them.

The skit itself was just flawed. Trying to cover up the fact that they are having a commercial within the actual show itself to shovel more crap, they have DX try to do comedy. But having HBK complain about building the Elimination Chamber was ass backwards. Here is the sequence:

-- "Hey, we got this brand new toy! It's got a lot of features!"
-- "Well, you will be probably staying up very late in building this damn thing, because they are a million of pieces that you can easily lose. You will probably only get two hours of sleep."
-- "Hey, it comes in a nice box!"

I don't get it. The whole point of the damn thing was to get people to buy the product. But when the commercial is over, viewers are left with the impression that the Elimination Chamber doohickey has too many parts and is not really worth it. If HBK isn't thrilled with it, then why should viewers? Only positive thing about this crap was that it played into the storyline of "HBK becoming a whore to get more money."

If the goal of the commercial was for me to not buy the product, well...mission accomplished.

Oooh, the Ortonholes might team up!

Kane: "I love these people!" They are still holding Jericho back. Jericho fans (myself included) might as well get used to the fact that because this is kiddie WWE, Jericho will never, eveeer, look supremely dominant. And it works. As I kid I remember yelling at the TV in how much I hated that damn Ric Flair. Jericho can only win by playing the numbers game or doing a sneak attack. Jericho talking to Kane just pumped up Kane.

So it was kind of a hit and miss night for by Jericho. Jericho comes out with a kick ass opening promo, but at the end of the show when he was getting resoundingly thrashed by Cena, he looked very weak.

I think I am falling in love with Beth Phoenix. Not sure what Melina was trying to do with doing a leg drop on Jillian's legs, but the women's division was doing nothing without her. "You may be the glamazon, but you don't know how to be glamorous!" And suddenly the women's division becomes watchable again.

When Melina got injured, they really had no backup. I'm trying to remember what the women's division been doing for the past months on Raw and all I can remember is Glameralla skits.

The Absurd Award for best comedian goes to Santino. His bits are continually very good. I was cracking up with him screaming over his groin pull and freaky deaky Goldust.

The battle of the cowboy boots, JBL vs. Shawn Michaels. Last week I brought up the idea of a "poor" wrestler who has been affected by the struggling economy. Turns out that HBK is that dude.

At first glance, this JBL promo was weird, because there was no mention of the campy DX commercial. JBL mentioning that not even the revenue from the DX shirts could save him erase such notions.

JBL talks about the movie "The Wrestler," or how has-beens are selling Polaroids of themselves in high schools. Meanwhile WWE is doing pretty much the exact same thing with $30 shirts for C.M. Punk, Cena, etc. It's still the same racket. But JBL's always going to say something crazy.

JBL picks up steam in his promo. This stuff was captivating. JBL played off the crowd. Darned if JBL is not the second best promo guy in the business, behind Jericho. He may not do as many promos as Jericho, but watching both JBL and HBK just own the craft of doing promo was rewarding to watch.

So I'm glad that the art of doing a great promo is not completely lost. Not every guy is going to know 1,000 holds. Wrestlers have strengths and weaknesses.

What job will Michaels resort to in order to earn cash? JBL does the unthinkable and forces HBK to pose for Playgirl...again.

I too have to face that moral dilemma everyday. It tears me up inside. Do I pose for girly mags and earn money? Damnit, I have morals!

"Hey, ya gotta do what ya gotta do" (credit to 411mania.com for pic)

WWE directly rips off the GEICO commercial. Zero points for originality. The commercial was aimed for the parents who want to buy their kids WWE gear, but don't want to leave the house. The lady starts talking about "Black Friday" and the hassle of going out. So I went to WWEShopzone.com and bought some crap.

I just find it lame when a writer cannot think of anything else than ripping off somebody. Stick in a "live wire" (Hacksaw) and there you go. Parents could probably just as easily go to amazon.com to find some WWE stuff. And if they were really cheapskates, they would buy it used.

As a young fan who is not interested in going to WWEshopzone.com, I find this just pointless. Sitting through some lame humor does not help matters.

I thought today that indeed the GEICO caveman does talk a lot like Edge. Maybe that is proof why watching wrestling is bad for you.

The male stripper himself, Batista, comes out. Some wrestling organizations have their wrestlers shake their asses and all of that for the females. But Batista is "Cena Jr." and WWE is aimed towards the kids.

Dolph Ziggler is odd. Has the body of Orton but somehow his tanning doesn't look right. He sure was working the eyebrows. Looks a bit like Kurt Russell.

"I'm Dolph Ziggler." That could be a catchphrase. He could do something random and excuse himself by saying, "I'm Dolph Ziggler". Yep, treading the same water as Robot Chicken's "Ted Turner says 'Captain Planet'" skit.

Not every wrestler is going to get full support or loads of time to do their thing. So sometimes you have to make the best of your opportunity. Ziggler impressed me tonight, and it was good to put him against Batista because Batty is just sucking his thumb and lumbering through the never ending story of Dave vs. Randy.

Dave vs. Randy at Armageddon will probably not be the real deal, considering Manu and Cody, short notice, and just the fact that this feud is not "epic" yet.

John Morrison gets a win over Finlay. He even gets a "John Morrison advances" sidebar while he is celebrating.

Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia, premiering... on DVD. I like that. Not "coming out." Whatever soothing whittle wies WWE can tell itself that their movies are really a big deal. I saw "The Condemned" on a movie channel weeks back. That movie was a piece of garbage.

Reminds me of ECW's VHS-tapes-only PPV shows being "too extreme for PPV." No, you didn't have enough money for a PPV deal and no one would pick you up. But at least they didn't lie to you.

What the hell! They photoshopped a pic of Trips smiling onto his body during Steph's announcement! Usually Trips has a face that is growling or constipated, but I guess they had to have Trips smiling. So they really went the lazy ass way and threw something together. I couldn't find the actual photo, so I created my own to highlight my point.

"This was so not done in photo shop" (credit to i180.photobucket.com)

"Sorry, I pulled an Adamle". Funny. You know what's funnier? If the company didn't look like a sack of s--- for keeping the chump for nearly a year. Hey, you're easily one of the worst wrestling announcers ever! And you don't bother to improve! You deserve to become Raw GM! I thought that was the best lesson WWE taught to kids all year: Don't worry if you really suck at your current job, because you are bound to get promoted to a better one.

I actually gave Adamle a fair shot. I thought he would be fired two months after he started. Or doing something else that he could handle, like selling hot dogs. How wrong I was.

You kind of figured that they would have to bring out the big guns (Jericho vs. Jeff, Trips vs. Batty, Cena vs. Edge) for next week. That's all well and dandy, but what about the rest of the show? We have Mysterio vs. Kofi and Punk vs. John Morrison, two potential good matches. But the stinker of the show could be handing out the awards. Shudder.

Rushed match with Miz and Mysterio. Going in, I thought that Miz was going to dominate and get huge heel heat for targeting Mysterio's arm. But it didn't happen that way. First Mysterio and Miz were duking it out longer than I expected. Okay, but Miz will still win.

What does it say about Miz that he can't even defeat an injured Mysterio? And what was the whole point of Mysterio being injured anyway? So that a chump like Mike Knox could continue his evil campaign of staring at people? The whole Layla thing? It was all just murky and confusing.

I'm going to throw a party tomorrow night! Tomorrow night on ECW, MVP's punishment will be over! When you are losing to jobbers, you can't sink any lower! But who knows! There's always Hornswoggle!

I would hype up that Cena scar on his neck. Say what you want about the product (that would be a great line by Jericho if he called Cena a "product" or a "marketing slogan,") but that throat scar looks like a badge of honor. Being pasty white helps show the scar as well.

I'm ignoring the whole "Cena has miraculous healing powers; typically it takes a year to fully heal, but it took Cena three months." Stop it. Just stop it. Cena is not superhuman. Cena is not an alien. You know also what could help Cena combat the pain and return so early? Painkillers. Shots of morphine. Just stop it with all of this nonsense. I understand that WWE is trying to paint Cena as a superhero, but he's still human. He's got determination and has an incredible work ethic, but he's still human.

Yes indeed, Jericho is looking mighty weak. The reason? Orton sends out his boys Manu and Cody to beat up on Cena.

DDT on the concrete! Orton is back, baby. It's not very often that you feel that they are going too far, but it pays off. Sometimes you have to take risks to make an impact.

Not much in the way of wrestling tonight, but two really great promos and a huge move by Orton to wrap up the show.

POSTIVES

-- Jericho's "My Own Son Loves Cena" promo
-- Cody Rhodes
-- Melina and Beth Phoenix
-- Comedy goodness with Santino
-- JBL's "You're poor, so sell your soul to me" promo, HBK
-- Dolph Ziggler
-- John Morrison gets the nod
-- "Nobody puts Orton in the corner" finish

NEGATIVES

-- Confusing Rey Mysterio injury bit. What was the point?
-- Mike Knox staring
-- Layla bit
-- The tag team champs Punk and Kofi don't work as a tag team
-- DX bit was not only unfunny, it was also unproductive
-- Zero points for originality for GEICO commercial
-- Batista vs. Orton at PPV doesn't feel like the real deal
-- "Premiering" on DVD makes it look chumpy

VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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