By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

Hello y'all. For the next two weeks these "Absurd Reports" will be sparse, as I am dealing with "NERD MODE" (where I try to finish up schoolwork). Schoolwork can wait so that I can drop a "Silent Bob" reference.

First a quick note about Impact. I think Impact should really cater to their fan base, which has shown that loyalty is over-rated. How can one then explain why people didn't care about Sting vs. Rhino for the main event? Maybe because Sting never fights? I swear, I have to keep reminding myself that he is the champion.

So what TNA should do is to have an outline of the entire show. They could have it up on their website before each show.

0:02 - MEM come out and blah blah blah
0:12 - Beautiful People and Sarah Palin yuck it up
0:13 - Drinky Time with Abyss
0:17 - X Division match starts
0:18 - X Division match ends

And so forth. Then fans can pick what they want to choose to watch. Oh wait, we're supposed to be under the impression that matches on Impact actually are worth watching entirely.

My only wish is that TNA goes overboard one time. Just break all the damn rules and have a match that makes that "Texting Poll Tag Team" and "Feast or Fired" matches look like brilliant works of art. Just once in a match I would like to see the whole entire roster come down to the ring to interfere, eight incompetent refs, and crazy ass stipulations like "Rhino can use Don West as a weapon!" or "Abyss is locked inside a cage above a pool that has sharks with fricking laser beams attached to their heads!"

Idiocy was rampant during that Brother Ray's promo about how "wins don't matter, it's about winning the war." Well yippie. WWE at least has some smarts in hyping up that winning is important to gain "momentum," to gain "a psychological edge," or whatever. I wish I could be like Joe and lose all of my matches! It's like saying that it doesn't matter if a pitcher loses all of his games, his job is safe and sound. Of course he won't be fired. It probably wasn't even Ray's words, it was Russo's. Guess fans don't have to watch until Frontline vs. MEM decide that the next match will "end the war."

How about we get to the war instead of talking about it?

Plus Ray doing math with somehow cheapening the idea of Ric Flair being a 16-time World champ and Team 3D being 20-time tag team champions...just idiotic. Or how they did that Sarah Palin thing. If you're going to go to all of that Palin trouble, you might as well get PPV buys out of it. But of course, the TNA booking team always knows what they are doing. They have a well thought out plan in place.

"Gee, Angle sure crossed the line when he talked about Jeff's kids again. I better pluck down some money." Angle is ready to re-break his neck again and is foaming out of the mouth. Why? Because he wants a piece of good ol' Mr. Jeff Jarrett. You know. The guy living down your street that is retired and likes to tend to his garden. That guy.

Reason why we are excited about this Frontline vs. MEM feud is that hopefully we are no longer dealing with crappy PPVs and shoddy main events that have no real outcomes. Now we deal with total nonstop talking. Now we deal with matches that could be for the "fate of the free world" and I wouldn't watch it because TNA treats them as jokes.

Viewers have to wonder if TNA actually has a plan for MEM vs. Frontline. Viewers already know about the Jeff vs. Angle feud, but here is some food for thought: Why exactly were the TNA originals created (Creed, Young, etc.) when they are nothing but chumps nowadays? Shouldn't it have started out as Frontline vs. MEM? Or did they think that people really considered Jay Lethal as main event material? It's odd.

Anyways, back to Smackdown. Some things that I noticed...

During one match, a fan held up the sign that said "Monster Rain."

Must be a Jim Norton fan. (credit to www.nndb.com for pic)

Jeff Hardy vs. Triple H might as well be "The Vamp vs. The Jock." At least now it's a bit more intriguing with the possibility of Trips attacking Jeffy with a sledgehammer. Trips could go heel and not even have to deal with the heel couple of Edge and Vickie.

Then maybe I could stop my weekly "Trips is the world's worst sonofabitch" rants that I do.

Let me get this straight: Last year at Survivor Series Edge ran in. This year at Scummy Series Edge ran in. Some months ago Funaki lost a match to Edge. Ditto tonight, but now he's the Karate Kid. Last year Edge was in a (wait for it) triple threat match at the Armageddon PPV. This year? A triple threat match. Last month the last show before the PPV featured Jeff vs. Trips. Next week? Jeff vs. Trips. Maybe again the Edgeheads can come out under the ring again at the PPV.

This is when you typically see ECW barely make it till the next WWE draft. Where you see Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero every week.

And yes, they are pushing Kung Fu Naki over MVP. MVP fans were given a bone by at least a contest on ECW, but ECW usually gets 1.1 in the ratings. MVP is still in the doghouse. MVP losing to Hurricane Helms a.k.a. Silent Bob means that the punishment is back on (credit to uksilentbob.com for pic).

I bet people were cringing in the back as they saw Helms's gut hang off him as he did chin locks.

McCool is apparently angry with Maria in a really, really, really simple feud. Simple works, but feuds also require something else: a reason to care. You don't have to go to the lengths of McCool sleeping with Festus (actually, you shouldn't), but something to make this meaningless squabble worth paying attention to. If things are going to be this absurdly simple, might as well be educational. Have McCool and Maria teach the young ones about numbers or something. Maybe they could explain to me why that damn Diva belt looks so pathetic (lack of sleep in doing schoolwork has indeed made me cranky).




"It's so pretty!" (credit to wwedaily.com for pic)

That belt should be lost mysteriously. Or eaten by Khali.

Keep on hyping that Kennedy movie all you want. You might as well lie to me and say that it was too bloody and violent to be released in theaters. Mr. Kennedy chainsaws a bad guy in half and brushes his teeth with the blood or something.

Matt Hardy vs. Kozlov for the ECW championship? Mark Henry got stuck with Finlay. Thankfully, Mark can pull out a good match seemingly out of anybody.

Kozlov doesn't knock on doors; he uses his head to open them.

Kozlov doesn't open his mouth to eat his cereal; he slams his head into the cereal bowl again and again.

I think people are just grateful that they no longer have to deal with the boring, heel Khali. Khali vs. Big Show next? Taker vs. Edge? Trips vs. Jeff? MVP loses to a rubber chicken? Hmmm.

Just because you're punishing MVP doesn't mean you have to punish the fans as well. I'm getting useless bits of MVP talking about how he lost his pyro and other junk.

I am surprised Khali didn't eat Eve. Maybe they can run a storyline of Khali eating fans backstage. "Oh my gosh! He's been eating people this entire time! Damn you, Khali! Damn you to hell!"

There actually was a storyline leaked that Khali was going to eat Adamle, but Khali refused because he didn't want the soul of Adamle inside him and making him do even worse promos.

And apparently WWE is trying out this thing where they claim that everything was the best thing ever (Survivor Series, main events). Uh huh.

Undertaker vs. Show could have won the absurd award for "best non-main event three-month feud," but that damn casket match ruined everything.

"You know, Tazz, Taker stopped me at catering and told me his submission move is now called 'Hell's Gate.'" But they couldn't do that because Undertaker goes back to his crypt underground after the show ends. Undertaker doesn't go to catering or backstage. He mysteriously appears in a fog.

First it was the "Blood capsule in mouth" hold. Later it was "The Devil's Triangle." WWE changed it because people complained about the word "Devil" or something. Now it's called "Hell's Gate". You know what I call Taker's move?

Monster Rain!

Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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