By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

The Beautiful People & Sharmell vs. ODB & Taylor Wilde & Roxxi

Fans were treated to an odd side of the Knockouts. It started out as Wilde and Roxxi attacking Kong in her own locker room like jackasses, but then TNA forgot that they needed to feature ODB at the PPV. So they dropped that and for some reason Wilde and Roxxi have a beef with the Beautiful People. Some bad ODB skits later and here we are. Whether they bring back the fake Sarah Palin thing is a mute point right now. This is the type of match that you hope that it won't get too stupid with possible interferences by Booker, MEM, or Mickey Mouse himself. What's the over/under for the time limit of this match? I will say that it is under six minutes.

VERDICT: Very Absurd

"Feast or Fired" Match

On their website, TNA has this boldly proclaimed: "THE RETURN OF THE CONTROVERSIAL FEAST OR FIRED MATCH." I guess in the bizarre world TNA lives in,"nauseatingly horrible" is the same thing as "controversial." It's nice to know that it doesn't matter what TNA fans feel about the product. Mike Adamle should have been handed on down to TNA land instead of going to WWE. Not only would TNA have kept the guy, Adamle would probably have been involved in a feud with Jeremy Borash.

Fan: "No, it is really bad. We have no idea why you did it in the first place. Please stop!"

TNA: "No, it's controversial! That means we crossed the line into stupidity! You will pay us money to see it! It's a big ass spectacle of misery! Who cares about wrestling action! Briefcase madness baby! Muhahahaha!"

Feast or Fired wasn't even the worst TNA gimmick match I saw. Black Reign fighting Kaz in a "mousetrap match" was up there.

But here's the deal: The outcome of this match should end at the next Impact. What a gigantic waste of talent, time, and effort during the whole "three-month Steiner/Petey briefcase switching" crap.

Same story here. Random X Division wrestlers have to jump through flaming hoops and use toy helicopters to snatch the briefcase (Ah, but there are only two helicopters! Oooh!) Christopher Daniels might return. I don't know why they have an urge to do "Deal or No Deal" again. Maybe it will be quick and painless. Maybe on the next PPV, TNA won't let the rest of the lower card go to hell. Maybe next time they won't be bluntly following a tired formula for their PPV card. Maybe not.

Remember Chris Harris? He was involved in the Feast or Fired match. His whole stick was "being smart" and waiting for opportune moment. Uh huh. And to think, that cage match between Cute Kip and BG James stemmed from this match. Petey Williams became a mini-Scott Steiner because of this match. Not only did the match suck, but it somehow managed to grow and mutate, like a flesh-eating virus. Everything it came to contact with corrupted it and made it horrible.

If I was a wrestler going into the match, I would spend a lot of time praying to the wrestling gods. Because who knows where you career might turn up. The Feast or Fired Match is pure, pure evil (credit to patrickmacias.blogs.com. for pic).

"Ahhh! Run away! It's Feast or Fired! It will destroy you all! Ahhhh!"

The matches and shows can follow a specific formula, but do PPVs have to be so as well? Haven't I seen these two matches before on TNA PPVs in the last month? A quick Beautiful People match? A meaningless X division spotfest? Should I applaud laziness?

I hear them: "You dummy, you're supposed to buy the PPV to see some cool spots!" I like me some cool spots, indeed, but I also like to have the match mean something. I would like to have outcomes that mean a damn thing. If I just wanted to see some cool spots, I would pop in an old PPV DVD. How is this match any different from the "Steel Asylum" months ago? It's the same spot fest over and over. It's commendable that nearly everybody on the TNA roster gets to be on the PPV, but frankly this madness should end.

Because Feast or Fired could be very well be "The Day The Earth Stood Still". (credit to scificool.com for pic)

"Hiya, folks! This is what happens to ya when you're involved in the Feast or Fired match! You become an alien!"

VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

Christy Hemme vs. Awesome Kong for Knockout Championship

Granted, the first two matches are not even worth your time, but TNA gained some ground with this simple yet effective feud. Hemme plays Gail Kim/Taylor Wilde/Roxxi as a face who has to deal with the monster Kong. How Christy was feuding with the Beautiful People and then the next week feuding with Kong... not sure what is going on in the booking meetings.

VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Eric Young vs. Bashir for X Division Championship

I'm going to take a wild guess and say the ref Shane is going to be in this match. Young wants to win a title he held for about a week. If the ref Shane is in this match, wouldn't you expect Young to complain a little bit? Or give off any sort of idea that winning the title means something? Hopefully TNA will not pay attention to the "ref vs. Bashir" feud and give a match that is worth the price of admission.

You know, not just a longer X division match on television. I can't tell you that I have no interest in seeing either man hold the title. They might as well be fighting for an Elmo toy (credit to melaniesemporium.com for pic)

Mike Tenay: "Damn you Elmo! You sided with that bastard Bashir! You hate America! I hate your guts!"

Perhaps there will be a showing of Suicide in this match. Unless TNA thinks they can run yet another month of Suicide video packages.

Better yet, ref Shane can betray his country and side with Bashir. Tenay: "You traitor! You damn traitor! Arghhhhh!"

VERDICT: Very Absurd

Matt Morgan & Abyss vs. Beer Money for Tag Team Belts

Beer Money doing this thing where they do a disappearing act on television one week and then get one show to make this feud somehow important. TNA seems determined to have Beer Money retain the belts. It's hard to know what to expect from this match. Maybe a healthy dose of Morgan posing for the camera. The usual "Jackie interference" finish. Maybe TNA can actually surprise jaded fans and do a well thought finish. Right. Most of these feuds are paper thin. As light as people's wallets nowadays.

Verdict: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Rhino vs. Angle with Special Guest Enforcer Mick Foley

TNA has been Rhino crazy for the past month, but it is obvious that the hype job feels rushed. Of course you want to say that Angle will win hands down, but there is always going to be a tiny seed of doubt planted in your mind. If TNA is stupid enough to bring back the "controversial" Feast or Fired match, I don't doubt that they would somehow work in an "Angle is fired" storyline. Never doubt the stupidity of wrestling. But most likely Angle will win and poor Mister Jarrett will have to fight the bad man. I don't know what to expect from Rhino in this match. Fans were given a well done Angle vs. Abyss match at the last PPV. The whole "Foley is guest enforcer in order to stop MEM from entering the ring" is really dumb. Foley as guest enforcer is just tacked on.

Sad to say, but Foley is quickly just becoming another one of the guys. Just like Booker coming in. The main reason to get hyped up for this match is Angle wrestling. Rhino, Mick Foley and the stipulations could very well drag this whole thing down (credit to i4.photobucket.com for pic).

"Oh man, what a bummer. That's simply not enough! Can't we add anything more to the match?"

VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Sting & Booker & Nash & Steiner vs. Frontline

TNA is getting real bad in "writing stipulations that conveniently work their way into a storyline." Gasp! Christian Cage has to join MEM! Question: Is TNA still going to use Cage in some fashion, or is he out the door? There is only one way Styles can come out of this looking good if he wins the gold: he pins Sting and wins the championship. Hopefully that is the only option. I can't see Joe pinning Nash and Styles winning. That's just stupid on so many levels.

If Sting is to retain the belt, then what was the whole point of the match? Perhaps there will be a swerve put in here, but this is something that is shown on Impact. Team 3D making this a wild brawl is intriguing, but "if Frontline wins, Styles gets the belt" is just dumb. That sort of stipulation does not make me want to buy the PPV, because it's the "If Cage loses, he has to join MEM" type of booking. It's counter-productive and it's going for the quick buck. Impact next week could be this:

"Tune in to see an interview of Team 3D! Ray pinned Sting! Now Styles owes them one! And check out to see the results of the Feast or Fired match!"

VERIDCT: Very Absurd

It's hard to know what to expect from this PPV. TNA continues to let the lower card of their PPVs go to hell and ultimately have no consequence. Why should fans care if ODB's team wins? Is getting a title shot from the Feast or Fired match really matter? Can TNA resist their dumbass feud of ref Shane vs. Bashir? There is a lot of unknown, and quite frankly the whole buildup was spotty. There is always a chance that this PPV can be great, but as a fan frankly I am not convinced to shell out money for a filler PPV. That's what Final Resolution screams. There's nothing "final" about it. There will be no resolution, just some more teasing and feet dragging. It's filler time.

If you didn't know any better, this could be the matches on Impact, due to TNA's idiotic love of giving away title matches and stipulation matches on TV. The main event matches are riddled with ridiculous stipulations that drag it down, most of lower card has paper thin feuds, and there is not a single overwhelming convincing reason that I must buy this PPV. All this PPV has is potential, and that is not enough for fans.

MATCHES I WOULD PAY TO SEE

-- Christy Hemme vs. Kong
-- Rhino vs. Angle

MATCHES I AM UNSURE I WOULD PAY TO SEE

-- Young vs. Bashir
-- Frontline vs. MEM
-- Morgan/Abyss vs. Beer Money

MATCHES THAT THERE IS NO WAY I AM PAYING TO SEE

-- Beautiful People pointless PPV match #142
-- X Division Spotfest match #159 (now saddled with briefcase baloney)

FINAL RESOLUTION VERDICT: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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