THE SPECIALISTS WWS: Warzecha Wire Service Exclusive - A holiday tribute to TNA's inimitable commentator Don West
Dec 24, 2008 - 4:18:57 PM
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By Marc R. Warzecha, PWTorch.com Contributor
At this special time of year, it is important to remember those less fortunate then us. One year ago at this time, WWS ran two stories on a man that we should all keep in our thoughts during the holidays, TNA color commentator Don West. (We have been told that Don West loved this article last year when it originally was published, so hopefully this can bring another smile to his face and his loved ones and friends at TNA.)
THE LONELY LIFE OF DON WEST
A WWS Special Report
Don West [artist Neal Obermeyer (c) PWTorch]
One of the most misunderstood figures in Professional Wrestling is TNA color commentator Don West. Mr. West is known and loved for his boisterous and high-volume commentary on TNA Impact (Thursday Nights, 9pm, Spike TV).
While the ear-drum-splitting volume is seen by many as a gift that enables Don to sell even the worst TNA storylines, most fans don't realize that it is also a terrible disease.
"I CAN'T SHUT IT OFF," Don screamed in a recent interview. "I SCREAM ALL OF THE TIME EVERYWHERE I GO!"
Don West has a little known condition called decibalitrirum. Sometimes referred to as "loud taking" or "extremely loud talking," the decibalitrirum makes it impossible for Mr. West to speak in a voice any quieter then a high-pitched scream.
Much like the late, great Andre the Giant, Mr. West's affliction is a blessing for professional wrestling, but a curse in West's personal life.
WWZ tagged along with Don West for a day in Orlando, beginning early in the morning as Mr. West arrived at the airport. What follows is a partial transcript of the day's events:
Orlando International Airport:
9:55am
Don West arrives in Orlando
WIR: Hello Mr. West, nice to meet you.
Don West: HEY! GREAT TO MEET YOU! CALL ME DON!
Enterprise Rent-a-Car
10:06am
Don approaches the counter
Enterprise Customer Service Rep: Hello sir. Do you have a reservation?
Don West: YES I DO!
Enterprise Customer Service Rep: Sir, I know the line was long but that's no reason to raise your voice.
Don West: I'M SORRY!
Enterprise Customer Service Rep: I don't appreciate your sarcasm either.
Don West: IT'S NOT SARCASM!
Enterprise Customer Service Rep: Sir, I'm not going to help you today if that's going to be your attitude.
Don West: NO! I NEED A CAR!
Enterprise Customer Service Rep: Please calm down and leave sir.
Don West: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I NEED A CAR!
Enterprise Customer Service Rep: I'm calling security.
Don West: NOT AGAIN!!!
Inside WIR's rental car
10:22am
WIR is driving Don West to his hotel
WIR: Does that sort of thing happen a lot?
Don West: YES, ALL THE TIME! UNBELIVABLE!
WIR: That's got to be tough.
Don West: IT MAKES ME REALLY SAD!
DoubleTree Hotel
11:03am
Don approaches counter
DoubleTree Customer Service Rep: Ah, Mr. West. How nice to see you. We have your usual room available.
Don West: THANK YOU!
DoubleTree Customer Service Rep: It will be $2952.76.
WIR: Wait, that's for one night's stay?
DoubleTree Customer Service Rep: Mr. West's condition can be…disturbing to the other guests. If he makes a call on his cell, he'll wake up half the hotel. So we require Don to buy not only his room, but also all of the rooms next to him, above him, and below him in a 9-room radius.
WIR: That seems discriminatory.
DoubleTree Customer Service Rep: Fat people have to buy 3 seats on an airplane, don't they?
Don West: THIS IS THE TERRIBLE PRICE I HAVE TO PAY FOR BEING ME!
International House of Pancakes
12:38pm
The waiter approaches the table
Waiter: Can I take your…hey! You're the announcer on TNA.
Don west: THAT'S RIGHT!
Waiter: I love the show!
Don West: I LOVE IHOP! I COME HERE EVERY CHANCE I GET!
Waiter: Wow, you're really excited about it.
Don West: I'LL HAVE THE ROOTY TOOTY FRESH AND FRUITY BREAKFAST!
Waiter: Yes, sir. And I'll make sure you get extra pancakes since you clearly love it so much.
WIR: Well, that worked out nicely.
Don West: THAT WAS SWEET!
Universal Studios Orlando
2:14pm
Don is walking through the park to Sound Stage 21
Female park guest: Excuse me, sir? Sir?
Don West: (Stops) YES!?
Female park guest: I'm so sorry to bother you. My son here thinks he knows you. From wrestling?
Don West: YEAH, TNA!
Female park guest: Excuse me?
Don West: TNA!
Female park guest: That is disgusting.
Don West: NO, THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED. TNA!
Female park guest: I know very well what T-N-A is and you are sick to come on to me like that in front of my 10-year-old son!
Don West: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOUR SON LOVES TNA!
Female park guest: He does not!
Don West: THAT'S HOW HE KNOWS ME! HE SEES ME IN TNA! IT STANDS FOR…
Female park guest: Don't you dare! (She slaps Don West and storms off)
Backstage at the TNA Impact Tapings
3:34pm
Don West is getting instructions from Jeff Jarrett
Jarrett: Listen Don, I'm gonna let you in on a surprise a little early because you and Tenay have to know how to sell it on commentary. I want you to tell Tenay when he gets here but none of the boys can know. I don’t want it leaking to the live crowd and the Internet.
Don West: (Shakes his head in agreement)
Jarrett: Later tonight, Scott Steiner is going to return to TNA.
Don West: GOT IT!
Jarrett: Shhhhhh! Write it down and give the damn piece of paper to Tenay.
Just outside of Soundstage 21
6:17pm
TNA wrestlers are shaking hands with fans that are waiting in line for the taping. Don finds Mike Tenay.
Don West: MIKE! I'VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR TONIGHT!
Tenay: Kayfabe! The fans…
Don West: NO, I WROTE IT DOWN THIS TIME! (Don gives Tenay a slip of paper)
Tenay: (Reading) Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Breakfast with extra pancakes, $12.95. Coffee: $1.49. Side of Boysenberry syrup: $1.09. Total…
Don West: THAT"S NOT IT! (Mr. West checks his pockets but cannot find the slip of paper.)
TNA Stagehand: Mr. West and Mr. Tenay, we need you for sound check.
Tenay: Just tell me, Don. As quiet as you can. We've gotta get in there!
Don West: WELL…
Tenay: Quietly. Try. You can do it.
Don West: tonight on the show…
Tenay: See, that's it.
Don West: will be the tna ReTuRn oF…
Tenay: Easy now. You're losing it!
Don West: BIG POPPA PUMP SCOTT STEINER!!!
Tenay: Damn it!
The fans in line pull out their cell phones, blackberries, and wireless laptops. The secret is out.
A solitary tear rolls down Don West's right cheek.
* * *
THE LONELY, REPETITVE LIFE OF DON WEST
A WWS special report
Earlier this year, WWS was the first to break the news of TNA color commentator Don West's condition called decibalitrirum. (Story reprinted below.) Sometimes referred to as "loud taking" or "extremely loud talking", the decibalitrirum makes it impossible for Mr. West to speak in a voice any quieter then a high-pitched scream.
WWS followed Mr. West through a typical day dealing with the condition, and tracked the trail and tribulations he endures. WWS is saddened to report that not only does the decibalitrirum persist, but Mr. West has developed a new condition as well:
Repetitrirum.
The repetitrirum has been apparent to frequent TNA viewers for months. The condition causes Mr. West to blurt out a description of exactly what he is seeing at any given time, devoid of any depth or insight.
This time, WWS visited Mr. West at his home. What follows is a partial transcript of the day's events.
Don West's Home
9:59am
Warzecha arrives
Warzecha: (rings doorbell)
Don West: (from inside house) OH MY GOD! MY DOORBELL IS RINGING.
Warzecha: It's me, Mr. West.
Don West: THIS IS UNBELIVEABLE! MY DOORBELL IS RINGING AND YOU ARE RINGING IT RIGHT NOW CAN YOU BELIVE IT!?
Warzecha: Yes, I can. I'm on your front porch.
Don West: THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST MOMENTS IN THE HISTORY OF MY FRON T DOOR! HE IS AT MY FRONT DOOR WANTING TO COME IN. HE IS NEXT TO MY MAILBOX, UNDER THE PORCH LIGHT, AND IS STANDING WITH ALL OF HIS WEIGHT JUST CRASHING DOWN ON TOP OF MY WELCOME MAT!!!
Warzecha: This is worse than I realized.
Don West: (Opens door.) IT'S SO MUCH WORSE!
Inside Don West's Baseball Card/Beanie Baby/Rec Room
11:55am
Don West: I USED TO SELL THESE BEANIE BABIES AND MAKE A FORTUNE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Warzecha: No, I can't. That really is unbelievable.
Don West: HE SAID IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!
Warzecha: Yes, unbelievable.
Don West: UNBELIEVABLE!
Warzecha: Yup.
Don West: HE JUST SAID YUP!
Warzecha: Yes, I did.
Don West: HE SAYS YES AGAIN AND LOOK AT THAT LOOK ON HIS FACE, HE CLEARLY IS IN AGREEMENT, MEANS IT WHEN HE SAYS YES, AND TOTALLY AGREES!
Warzecha: Mr. West, I don't mean to be cruel, but this condition is truly annoying.
Don West: WELL, HE LAYED IT OUT THERE. HE OBVIOUSLY THINKS THAT THIS IS ANNOYING, HE'S RIGHT, AND I WISH I COULD STOP!
Warzecha: I need a break. I'm going to use your bathroom.
Warzecha is inside bathroom
12:01pm
Warzecha: (Flushes toilet)
Don West: OH MY GOD, DID YOU HEAR THAT? THE TOLIET HAS BEEN FLUSHED AND JUST LIKE THAT WHATEVER WASTE WAS IN THAT BOWL IS SWEPT AWAY TO NEVER RETURN!
Warzecha: (turns on sink)
Don West: THE SINK IS ON AND THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: HANDS ARE BEING WASHED! THE ULTIMATE WAR BETWEEN GERMS AND SOAP IS UNDERWAY RIGHT NOW! GERMS AND SOAP HAVE HATED EACH OTHER FOR EVER AND THERE IS NO TELLING WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW! THEY ARE WAGING WAR ON A MICROSCOPIC LEVEL!!!
Warzecha: (opens door and exits bathroom)
Don West: THE DOOR IS OPEN AND HERE HE COMES! HIS HANDS ARE CLEAN AND WE HAVE TO ASSUME THAT SOAP DEFEATED GERMS HERE TODAY. OH MY GOOOOOOODDDDD!
Don west's den
1:15pm
Watching a recent TNA Impact show with Mr. West
Warzecha: Mr. West, I'm interested in seeing how you react to your condition when you watch it on video tape. Allow me to turn up the TV volume.
Don West: HE SAID HE'S GOING TO TURN UP THE TV VOLUME AND HE'S DOING IT RIGHT NOW. PERFECTLY EXECUTED, HE MUST HAVE THAT SAME UNIVERSAL REMOTE AT HOME!
TV Don West: OH MY GOD BLACK REIGN HAS A RAT!
Don West: OH MY GOD I JUST SAID BLACK REIGN HAS A RAT!
TV Don West: HE'S PUTTING IT IN A BAG!
Don West: I JUST SAID HE'S PUTTING IT IN A BAG!
TV Don West: THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THAT RAT IS DOING IN THERE!
Don West: THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THAT RAT IS DOING IN THERE!
Warzecha: (abruptly shuts off TV)
Don West's backyard
2:23pm
Don plays with his pet pit bull, named Wow.
Don West: WOW! (Pit bull comes to Mr. West) WOW JUST CAME WHEN I CALLED HIM. THIS DOG IS SO WELL TRAINED! I CAN GET HIM TO GRAB THE TREAT OUT OF MY HAND BY HOLDING IT UP HIGH AND SAYING "JUMP."
(Wow jumps and eats the treat.)
Don West: HE JUMPED, WOW!
(Wow jumps again and bites Mr. West's finger)
Don West: HE JUMPED, WOW!
(Wow jumps again and rips off part of Mr. West's hand off)
Don West: HE JUMPED, WOW AND –
(Wow jumps again and tackles Mr. West. He is tearing Mr. West's arm apart)
Don West: HE JUMPED, WOW AND IS TEARING ME –
(Wow jumps on Mr. West's chest and gnaws on his shoulder)
Warzecha: Stop saying that!
Don West: HE JUST SAID TO STOP SAYING WOW JUMPED (Wow sinks his teeth into Mr. West's neck) BUT I CAN'T! THIS IS THE HELL THAT I LIVE WITH! THIS IS MY DISEASE!
Warzecha: (screams like a girl, runs away, and calls police.)
WWS is told that Mr. West is recovering from his injuries and will attend the next impact taping.
Marc R. Warzecha is a professional comedian and a nearly 20 year PWTorch reader. His columns usually appear monthly in the PDF online bonuspages of PWTorch Newsletter. E–mail him with your feedback and hot news tips at TorchWarz@yahoo.com.
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