By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

I wonder about the band who sings the Impact song. Here is a sample of the lyrics: "Everybody's doing what they are doing I'll be doing what I'm doing and I'm good doing at what I'm doing cross the line." They sound and look like a bunch of TNA tools.

I can't recall how exactly the X Division championship tournament started. It seems that the results of such "tournaments" TNA do have so little importance.

For the main event tonight, we have Kurt vs. B.G. Armstrong. Kurt will probably rip off one of B.G.'s arms and beat him over the head with it.

At the very start of the match, Alex Shelley lands a power slam on Young and gets a near two-fall. The announcers hype it up as if the match could have been over in the first 20 seconds. Hopefully TNA doesn't get to that point where they train their fans to expect real matches to be over in minute.

These guys aren't wrestling; they are dancing. Eric Young shouldn't be allowed back in the ring till he learns how to not set up painfully clear moves. Or at least plausibly sell his opponent's pin kick outs.

Yet another round of Kong squashing a jobber. How does TNA hype up Kong vs. Christy for the PPV? By having Kong carry a picture of Hemme to the ring. Right. How's that Knockout Division thing going?

Ref Shane Sewell reminds me a lot like Popeye. He overreacts and pumps up. "I've taken all I can take, and I can't take me anymore". Popeye crotch chops the evil Bashir. Cornette comes in and works himself into a frenzy. Okay, way too much yelling. Between Corny, Tenay, and West, my ears were bleeding.

This is wrestling, but my goodness this is not a serious feud. Good thing about this is that at least Sewell is no longer a ref in Bashir's matches. Come to think of it, this Sewell vs. Bashir feud is pretty much Popeye vs. Brutus feud. Bashir makes a pretty good Brutus. He's pretty good at being a cartoonish heel. All of you Popeye fans better buy the PPV to see this match (credit to popeyefreshfoods.com for pic).

"Foley's epic return to the ring" boldly states TNA's PPV commercials. There's a reason why they forgot to mention that he will be in a six-man tag team match. After that realization, it's not really epic.

TNA's next motto could be "Believe our illusion." Maybe one day they could become better liars. Example: Angle comes out and talks about how there will be a "total shift in power." It's what fans have been hearing for every PPV since this MEM vs. Frontline feud.

Apparently nobody has the balls in TNA to mention that Kurt Angle is a clearly superior athlete and should face no problems in wrestling a man who from the fan's perspective hasn't wrestled in a long ass while. They hype up Angle's "state of mind" instead.

They passed around the mic to everybody in MEM and made sure all the little kids got a chance to look cool in their promos. Why the hell did Steiner and Booker speak? They had nothing to say. Somebody shut up. They are just talking to hear themselves talk.

Nice touch with Devon giving Ray's red flannel shirt to Foley.

Hey, it's "The Simple Life" starring a librarian, Nichole Richie, and Paris Hilton. Or a fake Sarah Palin and the Beautiful People on a farm. If a fan hadn't been watching TNA for the past months and just tuned it, they would be flabbergasted. Apparently it's too much to ask that they get somebody who looks like Sarah Palin. Or at least give a plausible reason why the Beautiful People are in a farm in the first place. But it's all okay because there's a horse dung joke. Good times (credit to the-trades.com for pic).

TNA is a stupid wrestling show, but there is a line that they should not cross (get it?). Looks like they are dragging out this Palin thing till the end of January. Do I really need a Beautiful People skit for the historic inauguration of Barrack Obama?

Abyss comes out and does his promo. I'm starting this thing where every time I see Abyss, I imagine Mankind (the demented version). Almost like the real thing.

"Quick, Don West and Mike Tenay! You need to go over to the other side of the table!"

"Why?"

"Because for the PPV hype, we need to have the fans in the background so TNA looks really cool!"

JoMizzy vs. Motor City Machine guns one day? Shelly talks about how their friendship is bigger than the X Division title. Awww. Foley is still harping on Alex Shelley. That sure is great television. To prevent groaning, I pretend that Foley is Dude Love.

The former TNA tag team champs Beer Money became chumps tonight. The main culprit? TNA.

The first blow was showing the Rough Cut bits that showed Beer Money in a positive light. TNA knows that wrestling fans can stop believing in the illusion of the show to learn more about their wrestlers. But it was very bad timing and showed a lack of judgment. Both Robert Roode and James Storm talk about being world champion one day. Thirty minutes later on the show they lost the tag team championship titles in a chumpy fashion. These are extras that would be better placed on a DVD.

If a fan just tuned into this show, from watching the Rough Cuts they would be right in assuming that Beer Money were the good guys.

Abyss is going to revert to his old ways for the PPV? Um, why not tonight? Become better liars, TNA. Crap like this shows your disdain for your audience.

Morgan shows off his personal move (gasp!). It's called "The Windmill," or where he puts his opponent in the corner and with his back turn, delivers back elbows.

Don West talks about Abyss: "He fears no pain and no man." It's Vader Time! (credit to gerweck.net for pic).

Yes folks, the top of the first hour showed this: The exciting drama of Roode's knee. Stay tuned.

Beer Money are such heels, they would rather stay and fight Consequences Creed and Jay Lethal for the tag team belts even though Roode is injured. Come on here, TNA bookers. One could feel somewhat sorry for Beer Money. Are they heel? Face? Because you're showing me fans thing (babyface Rough Cuts) yet you book a match where they get cheated out of the belts by faces and it's all okay because they are such evil heels.

The match seemed so random and so pointless that I was wondering why this match was still going on (the answer would be that Beer Money would drop the titles). Exciting point in the match when the TNA live events popped up on screen. Hey, they are coming to Wilson, N.C.!

Those assholes Creed and Lethal want their title shot when Roode is injured? What's fair about that? What's honorable about beating one man for tag team gold? It's also pretty sad that Creed and Lethal had such a hard time with one man.

Tenay and West look like idiots are talking about how Creed/Lethal's win affect the number one contenders Morgan and Abyss. Uh, they are still number one contenders for the tag team belts. Later Lethal and Creed talk about how they are like the tag team of Tony Atlas and Rocky Johnson.

Believe our illusion.

Lethal and Creed celebrate their tainted victory with Frontline. Gee, just like how Eric Young celebrated with Frontline (TNA Originals at that point) with his tainted victory over Bashir. I suppose the intended effect was to make Frontline look a bit more powerful in getting gold. Too bad fans know that it really means jack, as Creed and Lethal can lose the belts quickly on the next PPV due to absurd TNA booking. Did the straps really have to come off Beer Money?

I did like how they treated Angle vs. B.G. Armstrong. It's great for the story that B.G. is Jeff Jarrett's long time friend blah blah blah, but this is all news to me. I know that B.G. was "The Roadie" during Double J's time in the WWE, but that was a long time ago. The whole "B.G." thing felt too a bit contrived and tacked on. As a fan I was not convinced that B.G. was Jeff's long-time friend or that this wasn't just a ploy to bring out the tears of Jeff.

If you were a wrestler and were looking to be written off of television, would you rather have Orton punt you in the head or have MEM beat you up? Let's say that both Orton and MEM were in the same wrestling organization. Which side do you think would benefit more from taking you out?

B.G. kicks out of the Angle Slam? Wow. At least he taps out to Angle.

Angle vs. Jeff. "It's not just any old grudge match!" TNA claims. Well then, don't call it a grudge match. Don't create a worthless Legends championship and put it on Booker. Some fans can look past such things, others can't. And that's why TNA will seemingly always stay where it is at.

Lemme get this straight: Jeff is going to beat the s--t out of Angle. Rhino is going to make Sting s--t himself. The Beautiful People do jokes involving horse s--t. Sure is a lot of s--t.

Foley: "Buy the PPV because I'm still hardcore!" Foley is the hardcore legend. But what's stopping me from believing that perhaps I will not be seeing the "true return" of Foley at Genesis. No, you will see something else entirely. You will see the epic return of...Dude Love.

Rumors have it that Jeff Jarrett is upset in how Mick Foley is doing. "Nobody gets to be as emotional as me, damnit!" Realizing that the bored TNA crowd went crazy for acts like Shark Boy and Curry Man, Jeff wants Foley to once again become the legend known as Dude Love. Here is part of their secret, secret conversation:

Foley: "I just don't see it Jeff. My character is getting over with the fans. I'm waging my personal war with Kurt Angle, and I'm picking on Alex Shelley until whatever storyline you guys have come into play. I don't want to become Dude Love again."

Jeff: "That's where you are missing the big picture, Mick. You sacrificed your body for their business. You have nothing left to prove. And it's obvious that sooner or later we will have to move away from your 'hardcore legend' character. We can get PPV buys out of the idea that the 'hardcore' Foley is returning, but that will not last forever. Hokey comedy is where it is at. Fans don't care about wrestling, they care about the characters.

TNA management has decided that they want to spice things up again and have your character go the comedic route, and that will start at Genesis. You will be brutalized by MEM before the match. Devon and A.J. will be getting their asses kicked. Suddenly, a cheap version of 'The Dudester' comes over the speaker. It's Dude Love! You clean house while our announcers go into an uncontrollable frenzy in how unbelievable your return is!"

Foley: "I just don't think fans would believe such a change in character for no apparent reason. You haven't shown any video packages or had the announcers talking about such a change. Why would I become Dude Love all of the sudden?"

Jeff: "Uh, Mick? All we need to do is to have our announcers tell our fans. Our fans believe everything we tell them. Heck, we have Rhino vs. Sting, even though Rhino lost to Angle on the last PPV. Before that he lost to Cute Kip. And before that he was not really shown on television. But now, he's the leader of Frontline and he's challenging Sting for the world championship because he pinned Sting in a non-title match! That's covering your bases, Mick. Heck, if nothing else, we can pretend that you have an 'alter-ego.' Hey, I just had a thought! Why don't we have Angle vs. Jeff for the custody of my kids! Think of the drama!"

Foley: "That's great, Jeff. But why now? Why have me become Dude Love again? It seems so rushed and not completely thought out."

Jeff: "What, are you kidding me? We do it all the time. We flew in Al Snow for our last PPV just because we couldn't think up of a better finish to the Rhino vs. Kurt match."

Foley: "Papa Vince won't like it. He'll bring down his army of lawyers and sue us."

Jeff: "Mick, Mick. It's all taken care of. We don't rip off from WWE. Hell, we don't even mention them on our programming. And TNA's 'Dude Love' will be totally original. We'll call your character 'The Dude' or 'Dude Foley' or 'Dudey Luv.'

Foley: "Jeff, let me explain to you as clearly as I can. I came down to TNA to reestablish my legacy. I did not come down here TO HAVE BE SPIT UPON! THERE IS NO CHANCE IN HELL I AM BECOMING DUDE LOVE AGAIN! YOU..."

Jeff: "Why are you yelling?"

Foley: "Oh. It's what I do every time when the conversation is coming to an end. But I am adamant about this, Jeff. I am not becoming Dude Love."

Jeff: "That's too bad. We were going to film two months of gut-busting comedy skits with the Beautiful People as your babes (credit to mickfoleyforever.piczo.com for pic).

Foley: "Wait, I feel a strange beat starting in my toes...

Hey!
Hey hey hey!
Hey!
He's the king of the mat
He's the man
Hey!

You got yourself a deal, daddy-o! Time to kick some heavy duty booty! Ow, have mercy!"

IMPACT'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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