By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

I'm developing that "Stephanie circa 1999 crush" thing again.

If you win the Rumble, you just don't get to be the number one contender. You get to headline WrestleMania. Seems like a lot of work. Go over to TNA and sooner or later you will get shoved into the main event!

Vickie can't touch Steph, especially in the delivery department. Steph is now the GM that I have a crush on. Before that it was Jim Cornette.

Jericho: "I'm fired? Uncle Vince, save me!"

Who should be in the Royal Rumble? Dreamer! Dreamer! Dreamer!

John Morrison couldn't show up to Raw because he went through a table. He was severely injured. Trips went through a table as well. And then wrestled in two other matches. Trips is a super bad ass.

"Miz loves him some Miz!" Indeed. But WWE doesn't love Miz so much, as he loses to Mysterio in a short fashion. Mike Knox and his hairy buddy Mr. Fuzzy comes into the ring and eats Mysterio. I'm trying to grow my own Mr. Fuzzy.

Some girl is talking. I have no idea who it is. Lisa? Maria? Jennifer? Christy? My tattoo artist, Big Bertha? Oh, it's Candice.

"I even thought he was dead. Gee, he sure keeps dying all the time! Hee hee!" Can he feel his legs yet?

Oh Lord, Vince video packages. Trips in his handlebar mustache talks about the war between WCW and WWE. Ooh, can you cover the Vince-God storyline? Understandable that Vince needs to be pumped up, but how about some new content?

It's William Regal!

"Wearing a black girdle to add some flair
He grabs his lovely girlfriends by the hair"

Um, a low blow by Punk ends the match? When did WWE refs get all stingy about the rules?

Another girl I don't recognize is talking to Cody. Victoria? Sunny? Kelly? Amber? Rachael? Steph's evil younger sister? Oh, it's Mickie. "Did you see all the snow outside? It's a blizzard! A real life blizzard! We could get stuck here!"

While this is going on, Cody ponders how to get out of this sticky jam. Cody replies with, "I hate snow. I hate it so much. Whenever somebody mentions the word 'snow' I go into an uncontrollable rage." (credit to content7.flixster.com for pic).

Then there could have been a video package of the traumatic event which caused Cody to hate snow so much. WWE dramatic music plays and crying children are shown as Goldust forces a young Cody Rhodes to eat yellow snow.

Shamu and Deucebag show up. Being vague, they announce that they have brought back-up. So you better watch out. Because they might give you a slight thrashing. You'll get boo-boos!

Seems like new WWE DVDs come out every Tuesday.

Regal talks to Grisham. Regal says this: "I stand before you with my royal nuts hurting. Yes, I am very satisfied." Guess Regal likes to get punched in the royal jewels.

Good job, Steph. No DQ match for next week for Punk vs. Regal? How did you ever come up with that? And gee, right in Punk's hometown. Maybe Steph should have a talk with the refs. To note:

-- TNA refs are portrayed as absurdly stupid.
-- WWE refs are portrayed as absurdly stingy.

Lawler: "Another big announcement from Stephanie McMahon!"

The WWE Universe replies back with "Baa. Baa."

Hall of Fame announcement. Bruno? No, it's Stone Cold. Bit odd to have piano music. I cried openly in front of my dogs. "He was such a beautiful man! Wah!" Then it kicks into the Living Color song "Cult of Personality": "I exploit you; still you love me. I tell you one and one makes three." Hey, the WWE Universe just found their theme song!

Austin in a WM 25 appearance? And will there be a buzzer for when HOF inductees go too long in their speeches? "BZZZ! Ok, that's enough. Here's your award. Now get off the stage. We have to keep this thing under four hours!"

Lawler: "I'm going to be the first one in line to get them HOF tickets! Huck huck!" (credit to smh.com.au for pic).

Baa. Baa.

"Kurt Angle! YAAAA FIRREEEDD! Oh, I think I pulled something..."
"Mick Foley! YAAAA FIRREEEDDDD!...cough cough cough..."
"Eric Bischoff! YAAAAA FIREDDDD!..Oh, I think I broke my beautiful ass..."

Too bad there wasn't a bit where Vince fired Uncle Sam. Vince sure fires a lot of chumps! Ha ha.

Mysterio vs. Knox for next week? Evan Bourne, come back!

Here comes two male models in their underwear...oh, it's Orton and Rhodes. "You're sexy! No, you're sexy!" Legacy sort of reminds me of that Ben Stiller film "Zoolander."

Steve Martin is...The Pink Panther.
Kevin James is...Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
Vince McMahon is...Mr. Ass.

Lawler: "What a night this has been! I'm going to sell my kidney on the black market to get that Starrcade DVD tomorrow!"

Cole: "Actually, it's been kind of ho-hum so far...oh yeah, right. It's the best damn thing in the world! My head is going to explode! Wow! Look at that!"

Turns out that Kane's right shoulder was up, but the ref counted the three anyway. Hey, WWE refs are not only stingy, but they're also incompetent. Yeah! Kane goes after the ref. The ref sees the big psychotic angry monster after him and ... continues his Sunday day stroll.

"Randy! Randy! You left us! Wah!" It's Manu and his buddy Sim! We told you that we're coming after you. And like any gang, we're going to announce it ahead of time. Here we come to beat you up! Just wait right there!

"Cody's Decision" comes into play. Cody helps Orton. In a shock, DiBiase then helps his old buddies Rhodes and Orton. So...things...were...like...before. Legacy Version One. Got it.

It's the Abercrombie models vs. the Gap models! Look out! Cody lands his spinny slam! Oh no! DiBiase lands his Russian leg sweep! Ladies and gentlemen, the very bloodless MEM beat up. It's Duran Duran vs. Depeche Mode, live on Raw!

Looks like Rhodes, Orton and DiBiase are back together. They have decided to get rid of the name Legacy. "We are Rhodes, Orton, and Dibase. We are ROD!"

For the Raw fans who don't bother with the first hour of Raw (and who can blame them), they replay the "We fired our best wrestler right now" bit.

Hey, it's that smiling cheese ball Cena! "HBK is in the corner of that evil JBL. It's just so horrible! Wah!" Sure are a lot of wrestlers tearing up and crying nowadays.

I just thought of WWE's tag team division. Wah! It's going nowhere!

Oh no! Michael Jackson has just attacked Melina from behind! Hide Hornswoggle! Oh, it's Rosa.
Zzzz...oh Raw is still going on. Ah! It's ROD! And they're naked! Well, not really. Maybe there can be a bit where ROD team ups during the Rumble match and try to eliminate everybody else.

For the main event, ladies and gentlemen, we have John Cena against ... Cute Kip. Wah!

Wrestler training 101: "Ya gotta SPIT when ya get HIT!"

Swashbuckling? Vintage? Bully? Nuts, Cole didn't mention "controlled frenzy!" Thanks for making me lose Raw Bingo, asshole! (credit to thumbnails.hulu.com for pic)

Breaking news in case you're one of the Raw fans who only tune in for the main event (and who could blame you), WWE has a scrolling bar of what happened. Basically Jericho was kinda-not-really fired and Vince is coming back to swallow up all of the mid-card's time.

Been getting a good diet of great wrestling matches lately. (Sabin vs. Shelley, Angle vs. Jarrett, Cena vs. HBK).

POSITIVES

-- Steph-Jericho Opening
-- HOF Austin Video
-- Great Cena vs. HBK

NEGATIVES

-- Candice's "I thought he died!"
-- Vince's old DVD rehashes
-- Regal vs. Punk, dragging it out until Punk gets that hometown crowd vibe
-- "Cody's Decision" and "Cody Hates Snow"
-- Dragging certain bits until the next Raw

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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