By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Specialist

"He's coming down the ramp, folks. Standing 6 feet tall, weighing 210 pounds, and hailing from Danville, California, here's 'The Wet Noodle!'" I wouldn't have Tony Chimel do my ring introduction. I would have the Fink. Howard Finkelman.

Quick ECW recap: It seems that in January, ECW has one main thing to tune into for and that's pretty much it. Last year it was all about C.M. Punk, as he did battle with Chavo in matches like "The Gulf Of Mexico" match. This year? There are two feuds that will go on in the following months: Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer and ECW booking vs. time left until WWE draft. I think I've seen every incarnation and form of Finlay vs. Mark Henry.

I thought that they would have changed Jack Swagger's name, but looks like they are sticking with it.

Before that, let's show Jeff Hardy's face being burned off 100 thousand times. They went with first degree burns. I remembering ranting and raving like a madman about the absurdity of Abyss's third degree burns.

Here's what I can tell you about Ricky Ortiz. He's not undefeated, he has a crush on Tiffany, and I wouldn't want to touch his white towel. You know why the Steelers's "Terrible Towel" is such a big hit? Because it's tradition. And plus people actually care about the Steelers.

Maybe all of the red smoke wafting out of Boogeyman's staff is meant to blind the audience from watching the match. To that, I say thanks. Boogey at this point would be lucky to get a backstage skit with Santino. There was a Boogeyman vs. Big Daddy V feud shaping up last year, but BDV went to go to movies. Poor Boogey. Rip off of 007's Baron Samedi. Khali is 007's Jaws. Hmm.

I'm a bit "JoMizzied" out here. Raw, ECW, and Smackdown. John Morrison and The Miz sure get around. ECW this week - not so extreme.

Now onto Impact. "MEM: We will be forgotten about in five years." Yes, Kurt Angle. I too believe in your dream. One day MEM will face no competition. And there will be much rejoicing throughout the land as King Angle and his followers talk and talk and talk about how great they are. Glorious.

What's most likely going to happen is that TNA has these people "taken" out (Joe, Jarrett, and Styles) to come back during TNA PPVs. I can see it now. Joe at Joe Gets Pushed Down, Styles at Contempt For Our Fans, and Jarrett at Jarrettmania. It will be amusing to watch the announcers foam at the mouth.

The title of the show is "The End of the Original?" You're right, I have no idea what you're talking about either. Maybe one day you could stop assuming that I've been following your product since your days back in good ol' Tennessee.

Often you will see fans in the arena plug their ears because the pyro and music is so loud. Maybe they should be holding their noses.

I get giddy thinking about the match-up between Morgan and Abyss. Maybe because it's just so friggin' simple that I can invest myself into their feud.

I guess somebody is having a big laugh in why Petey Williams is still dressed up like Scott Steiner. Funny. Haha. I will give them credit and believe that they are not dumber than a bag full of hammers. But I do believe that they honestly don't give a crap in about what they show, as so long as the ratings don't drastically fall. Speaking about filler, here's an X Division TV match!

Impact was standard, but something was off about that opening match. Did TNA forget in how to make a good first impression? This match was indeed impressive...in making me not want to watch the rest of the show.

The match itself was about four minutes or so. But the match was pointless and devoid of any emotion. In these types of matches, it does not matter to me if they last four minutes, eight minutes, or 44 minutes. It's just mediocre crap strung out. The main emphasis of this match was that it is a four-way, but it's the tag team of Motor City Machine Guns vs. Bashir and Dutt. Then why is this a title match? Because TNA are rating whores once again. Apparently Sharmell is so concerned about the ref Shane Sewell that she interrupted an X Division Championship match. Booker fears Sewell. Hmm. TNA is doing a remarkable job of not only me hating the guy before he starts his epic feud with Booker, but making any match that he is in pretty pathetic.

This is how they booked the match: "Okay, we'll have those guys do some filler stuff for about four minutes. Then we'll show our contempt for the audience by having Sharmell come down. Why, thank you, TNA! We were bored out of our minds! Look, Sharmell is coming down! Woohoo! Oh yeah, make it a championship match too." It would be one thing if the action was something worth watching, but frankly it's pretty much standard stuff done mixed in with total nonstop boredom and lethargy.

Onto Smackdown. Tazz: "This is not ballet. This is not ballroom dancing. No offense to those people." You're right, the human suplex machine. It's time for a new cliche. We need something that is wimpy and somebody could sleep walk through. I got it: "This is not an X Division match!"

Okay. That was below the belt. "This is not an X Division TV match!"

Video package of Kozlov breaking a board with his forehead. To quote Bruce Lee, "boards do not hit back."

WWE and "The Wrestler" - a match made in heaven. Working on a dream to earn more money and to get good p.r.

I mentioned TNA showing its contempt for their audience. Certainly WWE is not any better, as they boldly proclaim that their Kennedy DVD outsold Pirates of the Caribbean, Hellboy, and The Incredible Hulk. Ok. Some problems with this...

(1) For each movie, which one? There have been three Pirates movies, two Hellboy movies, and two Hulk movies.
(2) If assuming that they are talking about the most recent ones, these are still pretty old.

Jim Ross says this about Triple H: "Can you believe this man?" No, Jim. I can't. That's the problem. And apparently the saga of Trips is what supposed to make me buy Rumble. Uh-huh.

All in all Smackdown was a decent show.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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