1.26.09
I Didn't Get Owned By Shane, I Swear!

- "Randy Orton"

What the hell did I just watch? People will say that it's okay to cause a big stink in order to get the big payoff, but when viewers are questioning both the present and the future of the content presented, that's bad.

Highlight of the disastrous opening promo was a fan yelling, "Orton can't read!" I'm not sure what is up the asses of the writers, but sitting through lawyer babble is painful. Orton had all of the zeal and passion of a robot (although he didn't have a lot to work with).

In this instance WWE got caught with egg on their faces. Remember how Orton and Kurt Angle were in a contest to see who was the better "evil heel?" After tonight, I would be surprised if Santino couldn't get a victory over Orton. Frankly I would have just been happier if Orton said, "Yeah. I kicked Vince in the head. What are you going to do about it?"

Pretty sad that WWE expects that viewers can accept the fact that Orton will be fired. Fire one of your biggest stars. Yes we know you're laying people left and right, but that doesn't mean whatever happens in your "universe" should become a wrestling storyline.

We know what WWE was shooting for (fans to boo Orton for being a hypocrite), but I've seen more excitement in business seminars. I remember when Chargers Quarterback Ryan Leaf once read an apology. The kicker of the whole thing was that after he was done, he tossed aside the written apology. The big evil heel Orton has his little therapist and makes sure that they keep the written statements. Boring tripe is boring tripe.

Orton suffers from IED? Hmm. Meanwhile wrestling constantly stresses that violence is required to solve problems, enforces stereotypes, and shows a worth of questionable content. This is one of those Raws where you wish you could get a mulligan, a re-do. Or wish that you watched something else. Or that your DVR didn't record it. Anything.

Steph sure has that Triple H sneer down pat.

JoMizzy gets fed Cryme Tyme. I guess WWE doesn't feel any need to pump up Cryme Tyme as a worthy tag team to JoMizzy.

When we're not firing people, we're hyping up our PPVs and movies.

Uncle Vince wants the WWE universe to know that "the show must go on!" Awww. It's so cute in how disgusting it is.

Cena's "12 Rounds" should be a comedy. Kevin James's "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" raked in big bucks over the weekend. We already know that the main focus is to get huge revenue from these movies, quality be damned.

Kofi vs. Kane. Figures. Main thing was running through my mind is this: "Does WWE really want to see Kane again in this type of match again, or will they go with the jumpy man himself Kofi?" Answer was Kofi. Somewhat comforting to know that WWE still knows that they have bring up young talent. Don't know why they hate C.M. Punk so much.

The Chris Jericho-Mickey Rourke feud at WrestleMania reminds me of the Big Show-Mayweather fight of last year, but by comparison this is a much trickier problem to solve. They first brought up Mayweather as face, but his bad promos and questionable behavior turned him into a heel. Both of the fans would cheer for both Jericho and Rourke. I would cheer for Rourke because he brought wrestling as a serious subject to many people who are not wrestling fans. Jericho brought up the idea that Ric Flair might join the party. It's hard to know where exactly they go with this. More likely than not they will put this thing on the backburner. Compare Jericho revealing that he watches Access Hollywood versus Mayweather breaking Show's nose. Right. Plus there was something here about Rourke wanting to toss Jericho's salad or something. What?

If they didn't have the decent Cena vs. HBK, this show would have been a dud.

Reason #4 for WWE not trusting Women's matches: Santino on commentary. Worked, as I watched the match for that reason alone.

Oh, how bad Rosa is at acting. Rosa's still following Beth. I lost interest about 3 weeks ago.

Random WrestleMania 21 video package. Fine, but what was the point? And did Jericho vs. Punk have to be shortened for this?

I quickly got bored with Mysterio vs. Regal. Viewers knew that Regal was not going to be in the Chamber. I fast-forwarded this and behold, Mysterio gets the victory! Good to know that next Raw (if Raw has any fans left after this stink burger of a show) will feature more pointless qualifying matches.

Punk vs. Jericho never had a chance. Under-hyped, short, and utterly forgettable.

Orton is coming out. Okay. Try to ignore the stink wafting in the air from the rest of the show. Take a big breath.

Wait: Orton's lawsuit against WWE would be so crippling that there would be no WrestleMania? Furthermore, there would no longer be any WWE? This is hurting my head. You do know that you guys are on live television, right? But whatever. Okay. Wait. What the hell? Oh no, they're doing that "bring everybody out" on stage. I hate this. It's hard to put aside that Mysterio and Knox are standing merely 5 feet from each other. Well, this bit is hitting some rough parts, but hopefully there will be a satisfying conclusion.

Orton, pissed off that he was involved in this show, begins screaming, "Fire me! Fire me!" Steph says that she has "bigger plans" for Orton. You're going to punish him by putting him in the chamber? Have him face against the rest of Legacy for employment? Making him sit through Ortiz matches? Be a part of SuperTrips matches?

No. The answer is: Shane-o-mac.

Shaneo, with vengeance in his eyes, took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and walked down the ramp. Shane coming back is nice. Legacy will beat him up, and perhaps Orton will even land his "punt of doom" on Shane.

Instead...

Shane begins to lay the worse punches of all time.

Lays out the former tag team champions DiBiase and Rhodes. They are no match for him. I kept telling myself that sooner or later Orton would put a stop to this.

Instead...

Orton actually sells the punches like Shane was this evil, bad man.

The Doughboy is the new face of terror (credit to slam.canoe.ca for pic).

Orton runs away like a coward. Shane begins to hit other wrestlers in his extreme vengeance against Orton. Did it occur to anybody in WWEland that nobody would believe that Shane could kick Orton's ass? This bit was so putrid, so lame, and so counter-productive to the character of Orton (and pretty much the entire Raw roster) that I found it quite impressive in just its sheer suckiness.

Sometimes it's not worth waiting for the payoff. Sometimes the payoff isn't really that great. It was really quite amazing how they treated the Royal Rumble winner the very next night. Maybe it was written on a whiteboard during the creative meetings: "Orton wins the Rumble --> next night, gets owned by Shane".

Wow. I don't know what's happening with the McMahon family nowadays, but Trips and Shane must believe that they are super human. "Just believe in Shane's rage! Forget the fact that he's not a wrestler! And he looks out of shape! And he's just throwing wild rights! Forget the fact that Shane is going against three top athletes with no weapons and no back-up!"

But wait! SuperTrips is involved in yet another "impossible odds stacked against me" match on the Smackdown tapings. Yes indeed, yet another month of SuperTrips in handicap matches!

Let's remember that it is all about the majority. WWE feels that the majority of their audience can accept the fact that SuperTrips is super human. But they really expected the majority of the audience to believe that Shane would lay out Orton? Who are they appealing to? Because they sure pissed away all of the work they did in building up Orton as credible. Orton should sue WWE for the screwjob he got tonight. What the hell were they thinking?

This show was at first going to get the verdict of "Very Absurd," but the horrible ending that made people want to retch gets a special verdict.

Go, SuperTrips and The Doughboy! These two guys are super human! Behold their awesome power and might! Nothing can stand in their way! Don't punch me, Doughboy! Don't sneer at me, SuperTrips! Run! Run for your lives! Their leader can be the indestructible Vince McMahon! That's your new group of super heros! Forget Legacy! Give me more of "Super McMahons!" (credit to www4.pictures.gi.zimbio.com for pic).

POSITIVES
-- Cena vs. HBK
-- Kofi in the chamber, I guess

NEGATIVES
-- Orton "I have IED" opening
-- Cryme Tyme gets pushed down (what was the point of giving them a title shot?)
-- Odd start to Jericho-Rourke feud
-- Rosa storyline is dragging, pointless
-- Video packages galore
-- Mysterio vs. Regal
-- Jericho vs. Punk
-- Orton's "My ass got handed to me by Shane" bit
-- End would have had a better impact if it wasn't shown at all

RAW'S VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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