By Marc Warzecha, WWS editor and Torch contributor

President Barack Obama has just raised the nation's terror alert status to "severe" as a result of a crazed and ongoing rampage by WWE Executive Vice President Shane McMahon.

Shane McMahon, enraged after his father was kicked in the head by WWE star Randy Orton, simultaneously attacked and destroyed Orton and two of his cohorts on the USA "WWE Raw" program last Monday night.

Shane McMahon's rage continued after the show went off the air when he attacked and destroyed the rest of the WWE roster, everyone backstage, and the entire audience. He then ate the Wolstein Center and charged into the streets of Cleveland.

Terrified Ohio residents have been locked in their homes ever since, praying to God to save them. President Obama was on top of the situation as it unfolded.

"This is no ordinary human being we are talking about," President Obama said. "As soon as I saw Shane appear on the Raw stage with that vengeful look in his eyes, I upped the national terror alert status to 'Elevated.'"

"When Shane look off his coat, I called in the Joint Chiefs and moved to the War Room. When he took off his watch we skipped right over 'High' and went straight to 'Severe.' When Shane hit the ring and started throwing those punches I asked the National Security Team to throw the entire Alert System away. It's useless now. We are in uncharted waters."

Citizens are warned to not attempt to confront Shane McMahon, as any attempt to stop him would be futile. Mr. McMahon is not armed with any weapons, but that fact is irrelevant.

"He doesn’t need any weapons," President Obama explained. "He is an elite superhuman. He is unstoppable. He is a McMahon.

"May God help us all."

Email PWTorch contributor and WWS editor Marc R. Warzecha at: TorchWarz@yahoo.com. His longer columns appear once a month in the PWTorch Newsletters, either the print edition or PDF-bonus pages.

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