By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

The last time Edge was on Raw, he lost the World Championship to C.M. Punk. A lot of fans weren't expecting Edge vs. Cena and Triple H vs. Orton at WrestleMania, due to Edge and Trips are on Smackdown.

Fan sign: "I'm not even drunk!" But I am!

Edge: "You're all just big fat failure turtles." He then goes into his dance routine while screaming "Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!" That's his new catchphrase. And apparently Edge has lost his flippin' mind. But I enjoy it. He's the only heel in both TNA and WWE that makes me laugh on a consist basis. "I'm a walking miracle. I'll compare myself to Jesus. Now excuse me I need to slap tongues with Vickie." Seriously, try kissing like that. You get saliva everywhere. After you wipe yourself off, you'll feel like...a failure turtle. (credit to seedmagazine.com for pic).

I can understand how some people don't care for Edge's promos. But frankly I'll rather be entertained by his lunacy than to get another drab, soulless promo from Orton talking about how he's scared of the Doughboy.

Edge is the legit champ because Steph had to leave to go tend to Shane. Vickie was the highest ranking official in charge. WWE even went so far to have to have Vickie talk about the mysterious "WWE Board of Directors" to establish that it's official. They even had WWE boy John Cena pump up the fact that Edge is the official world champ.

Opening was another Edge-Vickie promo, but thrown in there was the explanation of how Edge is World champ. Not the most exciting, but was needed for logic's sake.

The Doughboy, virtually unscathed in his war with Orton, is going to settle this thing in an unsanctioned fight. "This ends tonight." Thank goodness.

Apparently the biggest thing about Cryme Tyme is that they wear matching "Tommy Hilfiger" underwear. How's this for a tasty nugget: Cryme Tyme get shown way more than LAX. I don't mind Cryme Tyme. C.M. Punk in Money in the Bank? Yep.

Lawler: "Orton is not as good without DiBiase and Rhodes." Ugh. They are going that route. Why? Well, the positives would be to pump up DiBiase and Rhodes. But it's also done because Trips just can't face one man. He has to face three.

In my version of WWE, Orton would look so much stronger than he has been painted lately. Constantly he looks like a wuss. This is groan-inducing. WWE sure is adamant about pumping up Legacy. For a good solid year Legacy has been pushed by WWE. I do like DiBiase's new finisher, "Dream Street," which is a million dollar dream slam.

Jericho comes out to talk about Flair some more. Bor-ring. Kudos to WWE to making this more into "Jericho vs. WWE Hall of Famers."

Roddy Piper gives one heck of a promo, talking about the central message that the movie "The Wrestler" conveys (and how staple guns can be used in matches). "The honor and respect wrestlers have for everyone. Why do we do this? We live for this. You want to bury our moments. These moments that we live forever. These very moments that can be seen on WWE 24/7! Call your cable provider today, Jericho! Suck on that, junior!" (credit to i.a.cnn.net for pic).

Admit it. That could have happened. Crowd: "Poke him in the eyes! We don't care about your heartfelt plea! Dance for us, you puppet!" Jericho kicks Piper in the gut. Jericho replaces Orton as the number one heel. Lawler goes into hyperbole territory. Cut to Todd.

Randy talks to Todd backstage: "I'm going to sell weak punches for Shane later. Now excuse me, I need to douse myself in baby oil."

WrestleMania 9. Not even a typical "TNA video package" could have matched the cheese level for this video package. Apparently, "horrible" is "unique" in the WWE vocabulary.

ECW Noble jumps on Raw to be beaten quickly by Kane. "Ha ha. Your dreams of being in WrestleMania won't come. You're a joke. Oh ha ha this is exciting and funny."

JBL talks about how he is wealthy while HBK is rich. It's like that Chris Rock observation: "Shaq is rich. The guy who writes Shaq's checks is wealthy."

WWE sure didn't like their Washington fans, as they are "fat, dumb, disgusting, pathetic, worthless fat failure turtles."

JBL goes to talk about how he wants to face Undertaker at WrestleMania. Meanwhile I was yelling, "Noooooooooooooo!" HBK does his Martin Luther King, Jr. and talks about how he wants a piece of Taker. Love to see HBK vs. Taker. But how will JBL fit into WrestleMania?

The announcers went into Rey hype. WWE loves Mysterio again. Knox wasn't half bad, but the bigger story here is that perhaps finally Mysterio can get back into the spotlight again (credit to library.thinkquest.org for pic).

Santino comes out wearing ice in both of his ears. Got highlights in his hair. Looks girly. Guess he's trying to be like A-Rod.

Divas come in to beat up Santino randomly. Okay.

That "Santino Hope" design should be put on a t-shirt. Probably one of the best fan signs I have seen. And that's not a hyperbole.

On the ECW commercial, Christian gets a mention. Yay!

Shane vs. Orton. Lawler: "Oooh! Shane could have knocked out Orton with that punch!" This is embarrassing. I was fast-forwarding through this bad boy.

Oh no Shane. Don't hit Orton with the dreaded plastic water bottle.

Orton lands the punt of doom. Shane, being the thoughtful guy he is, goes out of his way to weakly sell the terrible punt. Please, please stay off on television. Was anybody else watching this? Or were they all too afraid to mention that Shane involvement in 2009 so far is a joke?

Steph takes a RKO. Trips shows up. At one time they were shown on TV being divorced. The last time Steph and Trips were shown on TV (during the Hornswoggle is Vince's bastard son bit), they had a "wink wink nudge nudge" moment of them being married. Now apparently WWE wants their viewers to accept that Trips and Steph are married. Maybe Triple H can be the one who can help Orton overcome his IED. With a sledgehammer to the skull. Can we get angry Triple H promos instead of sarcastic, unfunny quips about Orton's IED?

"You got IED? Well, you messed with my wife. So you're going to be...D.O.A! And you're fat too! You grew up in Chunkyvania! I brought your action figure with me! Here's my action figure beating up yours!"

FINAL SAY: They explained Edge winning the title in a semi-reasonable fashion. Smackdown viewers got the tease that Cena could show up. Now the main task WWE faces is to develop these feuds that were created tonight (Cena vs. Edge, Trips McMahon vs. Orton, Taker vs. JBL/HBK). I thought that the Piper promo really put new life into this Jericho vs. Flair feud, and was worth watching again. DiBiase and Rhodes get a plain win. Will WWE hype up Mysterio in the following weeks?

The worst part about tonight was simple: Shane. Watching that main event was horrible and just plain sad. Hopefully this Shane nonsense ended tonight. This Raw laid the groundwork for the "Road to WrestleMania," but except for the Piper promo, really didn't feature a lot of great work. But it sure got people interested in where they are going with it.

POSITIVES

-- Piper Promo
-- Divas Match
-- Rey gets some love from WWE, possible reemergence for him
-- New feuds laid out

NEGATIVES

-- Shane
-- Main Event
-- WrestleMania 9 video package (Cheesetastic!)

RAW VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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