By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"Only through dedication
Will I destroy all preconception"

- "Declaration" by Killswitch Engage

On ECW, Christian's new finisher is labeled the "killswitch." Officially the greatest finishing move name. Ever. Plus it reminds me of Killswitch Engage. Much better than "Unprettier," or Candice Michelle's "Candy Wrapper" (it's the same move). Announcers talk about how Christian wanted to come over to ECW because of the young talent. And the lower exposure. I admit that I watch ECW with a renewed vigor solely for Christian.

Matt Striker also talks about the band Dokken. MulletMania! (credit to discografiarock.info for pic).

What's the over/under for finding out who committed the attacks on Jeff Hardy? Or who caused the stage to fall down on Vinnie Mac? There's a time limit to make actions still relevant. Or maybe they will just go down "the fans will forget about it" route.

In other ECW news, The Ripper Pirate Phil Collins look-alike defeats Boogey. Big time stuff. Man, WWE fans nearly lost their minds over the concept of Boogey back in 2005. I always got a kick out of Jake Roberts whipping out his snake...oops...retrieving his boa constrictor out of the bag (I can't remember the name of the snake...Medusa or some female name) because the other guys sold it like they were going to get killed from a venomous snake. Nothing wrong with worms, but it's not exactly scary. I guess I don't know what to expect from Boogey. Maybe slaughtering a chicken on live television and drinking the blood for starters. Or making Ortiz into a zombie. I need me a zombie wrestler.

Hey, it's that cool guy Ricky Ortiz. You know what was missing from when Ortiz was talking to Dreamer about not losing hope? Barbwire and Ortiz lying on the ground.

ECW'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Hey, TNA. I've got three words for ya:

Take a vacation.

Two weeks. One week. Anything. Show some old great matches from one of your DVDs. "25 greatest moments in TNA history." Something. Take a break. Actually watch one of your shows. And yes, actually pay attention to the reaction of fans (and not just label it as "negative TNA bashing.") Get your head on straight and stop treating your fans like gullible idiots. Example? "Oh my goodness Sting and Angle have the most extreme feud in the history of wrestling it can't be contained order our PPV now you rubes!"

This month, I must admit that I have tuned out of TNA. Maybe next month they will get things straight. That is how it works. TNA often starts "anew" with the show after the PPV. Example? Where are Team 3D? Where is Rhino? Where is Frontline? Any semblance of an actual X Division storyline worth mentioning? I'm not talking about those that are thrown together at the last show before the PPV. Here are the things that are somewhat stable in TNA: Beer Money, MCMG, MEM, and Kongtourage. It's pretty much the same thing week in and week out. "Tune in to see some incredible action!" Action? What action? There's barely twenty minutes of fluff that doesn't go anywhere. A good main event comes every full moon it seems.

On TNA, the biggest thing coming out of that show was the empty arena match between Sting and Angle. I couldn't describe to you what exactly the feud is between these two. They are yelling at full volume at each other to drown out the fact that their squabble is over who gets to use the monkey bars first on the playground.

Don't know why Sting and Angle kissed each other on the lips. Don't know why they hugged and dance. After the commercial break, Angle was shown pissing on Sting and Sting was talking about how he was going to rip Angle's head off and drink the blood. Actually somebody spit on the other dude (ooh), MEM showed up (wha?) and lastly TNA security showed up (huh?). Empty Arena concept? Cool beans. MEM and Security showing up to save the potential PPV match from having a real conclusion? Okay. It was akin to when a bloke is getting a lap dance and the bored gyrating girl passes gas while she's getting her freak on. It ruins the whole thing. Not that I would know. Of course not.

I watch Gail Kim WWE video packages for that sort of thing. Ooh la la. Forget Matt vs. Jeff next week, feed my perv needs WWE (credit to pwpix.net for pic).

Of course I'm joking.

Not really.

I'm okay with poor storyline buildup to a main event match if I am confident that the outcome of the PPV match will have significant impact. I'm not confident in where TNA takes this.

"Hey, Steiner. I'm Joe. And I'll be killing you at the PPV. Does that date work for you? You're not busy? Cool. I won't kill you before that, because it's much better to have fans pay to see me kill you. Do you have any plans for the month after the PPV? Oh wait. Nevermind. You'll be dead. TNA hasn't told me what plans they have in store for me. I'm sure it's something good."

So far that's the buildup to the Joe vs. Steiner match at Destination X. It might have been written on the whiteboard like this during creative meetings: "Joe video package at Against All Odds --> month of filler --> PPV match."

I wish I could be like "TNA Ted," the main demographic for TNA's product. Maybe next show I should get really stinking drunk before the show starts. Or watch it with one eye open. Volume off. Upside down. Wearing a TNA device where "mediocrity" and "stupidity" get transformed into something that's serviceable.

But never mind that. I got a huge kick out of that empty arena match, which was unique. It doesn't matter what TNA fans think, so let's stop with the negativity (but often truthful) and give them biased, butt-kissing reviews! All praise the runaway train known as "TNA PPV buildup!" Yay!

IMPACT'S VERDICT: Not Absurd, Truly Touching And Special

Onto Smack...No dance routine by Edge. Years back Jeff would have said something like, "My, I can't tell which one of you two lovebirds has balls."

Trips is going to have a sit-down interview with Jim Ross. One of my fondest memories is when Mankind had his sit-down interview, where they showed home footage of a young Mick Foley jumping off the roof of his house. I believed that the man was deranged.

Nowadays, though...

Here are the two signs that WWE does not have faith in you if you are coming in:

1. You do a knock-knock joke (Kizarny, Braden Walker)
2. You wear a singlet (Scotty Goldman, Braden Walker)

If you get both, woo boy you're in trouble.

I miss those "ring introduction promos" that would pop up.

Can't say I watched the divas match. Probably not the only one. There's just not a lot worth paying attention to. Probably a "lump them all together" playboy bunny sexy lingerie pillow mud wrestling strip off at WrestleMania. Oh wait that's not acceptable now? Why was it acceptable back then?

Give credit to Smackdown. That restaurant in no way shape or form looked like a conference room. Well, actually it did. But at least it looked better than the restaurant Jamie Noble once took Michelle McCool too. That segment ended with Undertaker reaching into Noble's chest and pulling out his still beating heart.

John Morrison is an entertaining son of a gun. This bit wasn't too bad. But it was already too clear that this Smack was going to be nothing but video packages among video packages. Tune into Smack to see...video packages you've already seen.

Example? We'll show the Orton punting Shane in the head. Then we'll show the big ass Orton video package covering everything...along with Orton punting Shane in the head. But I would rather take this than endless "12 Rounds" hype-o-mania. Sometimes I think DVRs are made for wrestling shows.

JoMizzy becoming Undisputed Tag Champions is interesting. For a long time I argued that Carlito was a lazy worker. Maybe he still is, who knows. But him tagging with Primo and having those Bella twins around them... Primo/Carlito squabble with each other in Spanish, just like how Rey Mysterio did promos back when he was in Smackdown. Why not have other wrestlers try other languages? German? Korean? Drunk? "I'm the best (hic) champion in the world! What are you (hic) looking at?" Instead, fans get cheesy Kozlov promos (ugh) and Kizarny weirdness (double ugh).

MVP wins over two men in his handicap match. MVP is a big ol' face. Good ol' MVP. Nowadays he doesn't back down from the challenge. Back when he was heel he would gladly get counted out or disqualified. So what's the change in heart for MVP that WWE gives? Um, I dunno. I'm just grateful that the MVP losing streak is over. Unless he angers WWE again. Then he's back to losing to hometown jobbers. Again.

"Sir. Sir. We know that this video footage of a male model beating up your wife is hard to watch. That's why we're going to show it to you."

You know, they should have gone the distance and mentioned that Stephanie was pregnant with Triple H's unborn child. I'm kidding. Obviously there are limits. Triple H looked more conflicted than A-Rod in his promo (though, to be honest, A-Fraud seemed to treat his meeting with reporters with the same zeal like a man filling out his tax forms). Trips channel his inner "HBK promo after HBK's wife was just punched by Jericho," but HBK managed to convey the same message in a realistic way. Meaning he didn't take an absurdly long time to say five sentences. It was fine, but not great.

The problem I have with this feud so far is mainly the character of Orton now. I understand that the IED thing gives Orton depth and complexity, but I'm wishing that they would hurry up and get to the point of Orton having IED in the first place (which is, presumably, that Orton is lying about it all along).

There's a breaking point to it. The wanted reaction to Orton is "Oh I hate him so much he runs over doggies and lights cats on fire," but the real reaction to Orton nowadays is "I feel sympathy for him for having IED. Plus he's a wuss in having difficulty with his feud with Shane." Basically I would like to have Orton be a dominant heel that totally messes with the character of Triple H.

Because that's what wrestling feuds is all about. It's about enjoying the struggle between the good guy and the bad guy. It's about rooting for both men, about seeing the truth in both sides of the arguments (face/heel). It's not Sting and Angle screaming that they want to rip off each other's heads for the other person taking their parking spot. I don't "feel" their anger. And it's not an angry Triple H dominating a weak male model named Randy Orton and his little buddies. I don't "feel" why I should care about Orton.

Kozlov. Doesn't know how he will fit into WrestleMania, but WWE is determined to push him. Who knows. Start a quick feud with Umaga. Something out of the way.

The camera reveals a well-toned buttocks working out in the gym. "Hunger. Passion. Energy. Desire." Shoe commercial? 24 Hour Fitness? Next shot is sweaty, heaving breasts. Followed up by another shot of the butt, jogging away. The person turns around and the camera pans up to reveal the face of...

Mick Foley! How did ya like that, ya perverts! Muhahaha! (credit to img2.timeinc.net for pic).

Actually the above bit was stolen directly from when Foley did a ECW promo in where fans thought at first Foley was talking about a whore. "You are used by many men every day...you go down on swollen heads." At the end of the promo, fans found out that Foley was talking about a steel chair all along, his true love. His "anti-hardcore promo" during his feud with Tommy Dreamer? Good gravy, man. What the fudge happened? If Foley were to whip out "Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweat socks," at least it would encourage fans to buy the book. Here we have nothing. This is the extent of Foley's work nowadays:

"Hey, it's me. Remember when I did that? Wasn't that cool? Goodbye."

When WWE rolls out already-seen video packages among video packages, that signifies to me that they have nothing else better to show fans. Same thing with Foley's story time. Things are supposed to be put on shows for a reason, not just to merely give somebody pointless air time.

I say that because I don't want Foley's stay in TNA to become a joke. I'm a big time Foley fan. Read all of his books. His passion for wrestling and for entertaining the fans is something that I feel is authentic. Much of this rant against Foley's story time is TNA having nothing for Foley to do but to talk about old war stories that have nothing to do with TNA.

Breaking news: Foley is going to be the super duper special guest enforcer for the extremist of extreme Sting vs. Angle at Destination X! Order now!

But, to be fair...

Order WrestleMania to see Triple H beat up a wussy male model! Watch as Edge loses to Cena! Watch as they push Kozlov uh-gain! "12 Rounds!" Legends of WrestleMania video Game! "The Wrestler!"

FINAL SAY: Show tonight wasn't very much. Jeff vs. Edge was fine, but if this match was a dud, then the whole show would have been pointless to watch. At least they started down the Jeff vs. Matt feud. Don't know how the Jeff vs. Matt match will play out next week, but I thought tonight that WWE didn't completely forget about Jeff. They forgot to entertain fans through a good hour of a show, though.

SMACKDOWN'S FINAL VERDICT: Very Absurd

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