By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"Got a man of the people,
Says keep hope alive
Got fuel to burn,
Got roads to drive"

-"Keep Rockin' In The Free World" By Neil Young

If there is one positive thing in this recession, it's knowing that many ad executives are holding meetings where they stress that "the ad must have the line 'even in this economy,' 'times are tough,' or 'you're so broke you're eating dog food.'" (2 give sum ammo 2 "da Mad Grammariannnenden" in the pwtorch.com posts, 'broke, yo's were so. Your, eateeng Doggy: food.") Because people don't hear about the recession enough. No, thank you, I don't feel the need to buy an inflatable barbeque or one of "Don West's INSANE Deals!"

Jake "The Snake" Roberts was one of my favorite wrestlers growing up, but I can't see him doing a bit with Jericho (unless WWE throws him a bunch of money).

Guys like Piper, Steamboat, and Snuka back in the '80s...they all had that cartoonish side to them. I can imagine the pop from the crowd if WWE brought out the Ultimate Warrior to do a bit with Jericho. The Ultimate Warrior is the only wrestler that I have no desire in seeing in any program, anywhere.

Will Lawler get his wish and work a program with Jericho at WrestleMania? Originally I thought that it was going to be Jericho vs. Flair, because I do not put very much stock in the whole "I'm retired forever" thing. Who cares about the whole "farewell" thing Flair did? Just think of the PPV buys.

Maybe it was my childhood heroes of Terry Funk and Mick Foley retiring and un-retiring a lot. Or perhaps it is the general tactic of wrestling companies playing up the "retirement" card often. Most recent examples would be WWE hinting of HBK's retirement at Summerslam 2008 and Joe promising that he would retire from the business if he lost his match with Angle at Lockdown 2008. When most wrestlers say they are going to retire, I figure that they will be back in six months in some form or other.

But when I read reports of Ric Flair talking about the infamous "gold watch" that HBK gave to him at the time of their WrestleMania 24 match and about how much respect he has for HBK, that spoke volumes. Considered me turned. Now I'm against the idea of Jericho vs. Flair.

Of course, watch as next week Jericho vs. Flair is announced at WrestleMania! "I'll never retire! Whoo!"

Stone Cold would be the golden goose, but Lawler might be the sentimental favorite, albeit probably a lukewarm response. Or perhaps Jericho fights...himself? First ever Cena-Twitter match? ABSURDMANIA is coming soon...

I do hope that Mysterio is in WrestleMania (perhaps cruiserweights will get some WrestleMania love). Reading reports of how Batista is considering retirement in one year brings into light the idea of retirement for many of WWE wrestlers: Undertaker, HBK, Mysterio, etc.

If there was a wrestling Valhalla where wrestlers could entertain forever and would never get injured...but that's not the case. Some get disgusted and disillusioned with the business. Some would like to continue but their bodies cannot take anymore abuse. Some lay it out on the line and take sick bumps (thus shortening their careers), while others seemingly never leave their feet and wrestle in a cautious manner.

Orton vs. Trips enact the "strip club rule" (no touching). Orton needed some damage control. Check out this link for more Orton. The one feud that comes to mind that had this "no physical altercations before the PPV" thing would be Stone Cold vs. Trips at No Way Out 2001. I have my own spin into how this Orton vs. Trips feud should go...

You can count the overtly notable accomplishments for Trips on Smackdown on one hand: the "Brass Ring" Promo and his matches with Jeff. His stay on Smack has been good but not truly brilliant. Maybe that's the lesson I got from this: "Kids, only try hard when everybody is looking." I do like how they painted Triple H like Dirty Harry. Portraying him as full-on face would be nauseating, and would clash with the "revenge" vibe.

Good, solid stuff from this Raw taping.

RAW'S VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Sometimes I wonder where some feuds could have gone. Boogey vs. Big Daddy V (a while ago) was presumably all set to go, but BDV went to go do some movies.

I think a Santino training video package would be amusing. Here we see Beth jacking serious iron while Santino is complaining about the sweat left on the seat. Who has more "solid" female wrestlers? WWE or TNA? Natalya vs. Alicia wasn't so bad, but in general both female divisions are getting pretty difficult to watch.

I would love it if Christian was in the Money in the Bank match. Don't know where this whole Edge-Show feud is going.

Six-man tag team matches are one of the calling cards for WWE. Kudos for WWE for not going to this well too often.

ECW'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Impact was...

Well...

All you need to know is that it made Terrell Owens cry (credit to mccoolio.files.wordpress.com for pic).

What helps a lot in watching the TNA product is to compare it with other inferior showings. MEM talk-a-thon and watching the rest of the divisions flounder isn't quite so bad if you think, "Hey, TNA could be showing viewers A.J. Styles taking Karen Angle to gator land." Or my favorite, "Hey, TNA could be replaying those 'Shark Boy is in a coma' bits."

It's helpful to keep it all in perspective. It's also helpful to keep this wrestling mantra in mind: "Things can always be worse." Give credit to TNA: their booking meetings don't consist of monkeys smoking cigarettes and hammering out the script. Although...nah. At least Brutus Magnus didn't quickly defeat Kurt Angle on Impact.

If you want to experience a nightmare in absurdity, check out the 1971 James Bond film "The Man With The Golden Gun." It's not only the worst Bond movie ever made, but it's probably one of the worst films ever. Maybe instead of "Cross the Line" TNA's slogan could be, "Hey, at least we don't show people with three nipples or women caressing gun barrels with their mouths." (Trust me. The film is that bad.)

Sometimes I can't help but shake the feeling that after the Impact taping is done, all of the boys and girls gathered around in the back and share a good laugh about their little inside joke they are playing up. Ha ha ha.

MEM vs. Frontline. Many of us thought this was going to happen. You know. To help bring up younger talent and put them into the spotlight. Ha ha ha. Reminded people of the "New Blood vs. the Millionaires Club" feud. Now it looks like we have "The Millionaires Club" vs. "The Millionaires Club." It's MEM vs. Jarrett, Foley, and any other old saps (Team 3D, Sting?). Two groups of old guys fighting for the right to use the tennis court at the retirement home.

Eric Young, Jay Lethal, and Consequences Creed are in the "Frontline?" "Frontline" implies that the group is on the frontlines of the war, willing to take risks to gain victory. These guys look overjoyed just to be shown on TV. So we'll call this group "The Kindergarten Club." You might as well put the entire X Division in the "Kindergarten Club" since TNA is determined to present them as jokes.

At day, mild-mannered Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley are simple pencil-pushers. But put them in the ring and they become a tag team of comic book heroes, standing for truth and fighting for justice. No training or working our required. They have super powers. Would like to call these guys "The Watchmen" with the release of that new comic book film, but we'll call this team of Jarrett and Foley "Mr. Con Man and The Tub of Goo."

It's confusing, but I'm guessing Frontline still consist of Team 3D, A.J. Styles, and Joe. They are often portrayed as criminals and thugs. To add some flavor, we'll replace the name "Frontline" with "The Gangstas 2000" in light of the "Gangstas" Jim Cornette presented in Smoky Mountain Wrestling in the '90s. Straight out thuggin'.

We have the Knockouts, but we also have a group of wrestlers who can't wrestle their way out of a wet paper bag. We'll call this group "The Khan Klan." (Hey, at least that name is better than "Kongtourage." We get it. You guys like the show "Entourage." How marvelously droll.)

So we have "MEM," "The Gangstas 2000," "The Kindergarten Club," "Knockouts," "The Khan Klan," and "Mr. Con Man and The Tub Of Goo."

Let's do an experiment: turn on the radio and tune into a sports station (KNBR 680 in my neck of the woods). Typically shows will feature a team of buddies yapping about Manny or complaining about their sports team. Imagine if you tuned in and these buddies who liked each other suddenly started to act like jerks between each other. Most of the show was devoted to bickering while you just wanted to hear about Manny. Now add in the fact that the guys explain to their audience that their hatred for each other is just for show. It's all pretend (credit to slam.canoe.ca for pic).

Tenay: "What happened to you? You used to be good! Now you're hanging with the wrong crowd...what is that? A cigarette? Are you smoking? Don, tobacco is wacko!"
West: "Shaddup! You're not the boss of me! I'll do what I want!"

Jarrett: "Is there a problem here, boys?"
Tenay: "Uh-oh! You're in trouble now! It's father Jarrett!"

West: "I can't stand it here! I hate you! I can't wait till I can move out! Then I'm never coming back! I don't care! Whatever! I'll do what I want!"

Point is this: I hope the beef between West and Tenay simmers down. A lot. The end result of West vs. Tenay looks like to be the repackaging of West's character as a '80s heel announcer. I'm actually a big fan of heel announcers. I can hear Jesse Ventura saying "That makes me sick, McMahon" or Bobby "The Brain" Heenan yapping with Gorilla Monsoon. The closest thing WWE has to a heel announcer is Matt Striker on ECW, but even that is subdued.

Did they change the announcing style? Nope. But at least heel West will give viewers some interest in actually paying attention to the announcers.

If it wasn't for the headset beef between Foley and Vince, Foley would have been a stop for Jericho's "Beat up Hall of Famers Tour 2009." I remember that my jaw dropped the time when Foley started to drop names like Undertaker, Triple H, and John Cena on Impact. By comparison, his "my match with Randy Orton was really good, meanwhile I'm stuck here in this retirement home for wrestlers" bit last week doesn't look quite so bad.

Next you'll hear that Jarrett thought up WrestleMania all by himself and that Papa Vince stole it from him.

Foley and his bits...not doing so well at the moment. I thought that WWE referencing "Orton gets betrayed by Evolution" was old hat. But Foley talking about his bit with Sting during the early WCW days? That was nearly 18 years ago. I have no idea in hell what you're talking about.

It's all daises and ice cream when you find a reason to make your bit relevant to the larger storyline, but it all means squat when you only draw from your own personal history and not the fans's wrestling history. It's a stretch to take a personal act from nearly 18 years ago and somehow tie it in.

Nash saves the day again. I agree that the whole "Respect" issue played up by MEM is worthless. At first fans could think that MEM was going to be hypocrites about the whole thing, but compared to guys like Joe and Styles, MEM are almost noble in their cause.

It's not surprising that the Ultimate X Match would talk more about the danger and excitement of the concept than of the wrestlers involved. Months ago, TNA PPVs usually had an "X Division free-for-all" with no real buildup and no real outcome.

Of course, I would be more amped up for the match if I knew the reasons why the competitors were motivated into putting their bodies at risk in a dangerous match when Impact continually has X Division championship matches every week with seemingly no regard for contender standing (for example, Kiyoshi's title shot against Shelley). It would be really refreshing if an X Division guy cut a promo about how the match was "bulls--t" and wouldn't be a jumping monkey for the TNA bookers.

I guess I can only assume that the X Division consists of nothing but idiots who shamelessly jump through hoops to please their master and to keep a job.

Chump Kiyoshi already in an X Division championship match? Loses quickly? What was the point of the hype again if he's nothing more than a chump? Brutus Magnus? Really pathetic job TNA is doing with their new talent. "Suicide is a bigger deal than the X Division champ Shelley or the new talent Kiyoshi." TNA must have thought: "A guy dressed up in a spider-man outfit? Pure gold." But we'll see where they take this Suicide character.

If I was part of LAX I would be pissed for Team 3D stealing my thunder. Hell, why not have a terrifying triple threat text poll tag team table tacks match inside the TERRORDOME at the PPV featuring Beer Money, LAX, and Team 3D?

Man, they are really grasping at straws to not show Sting vs. Angle again on Impact. I'm confused in how Jarrett vs. Angle happened. Figuring out the logic of TNA is sometimes equivalent to solving an extremely difficult math problem. Best bet is to leave math and brainy stuff to chumps. Blow all of your money on inflatable barbeques. Promise to slit the throat of those who dare oppose you. Cross the line.

Good news is that TNA has another show to pump the PPV, which it needed. You know what would be interesting to watch? If TNA had to book Impact tapings for three months straight, no PPVs at all. So far Destination X appears to look like Against All Odds 2: Even Worse.

IMPACT'S VERDICT: A Massive Labyrinth of Absurdity

Would love it if Taker vs. HBK talked about their Hell in the Cell match. Many people feel that particular match is the best Hell in the Cell match.

Maybe Cena has some footage of Show and Vickie getting it on. (All together: Ewwww.) Blackmail. Would WWE still have Cena vs. Edge at WrestleMania, but have Show in Edge's corner? Four weeks left to go. Maybe the Cena main event at WrestleMania is WWE doing their own verison of "12 Rounds":

Cena: "Can't find my badge."
Wifey: "It's on the thingy."

(Scruffy, the pet dog, explodes)

Cena: "Bad guys put C4 into the stomach of Scruffy! You bastards! Nooooooooo! He was just a normal dog that belonged to a normal man! Which is me!" (credit to img2.timeinc.net for pic).

...

Masked Bad Guy: "Ok. You're going to wrestle a match. But in this match, you can't rely on any signature moves. Most importantly, you're going have to properly do the 'head gets slammed on top of steel steps' bit. Do this or your wife will get it."

Cena: "You're insane! Why are you picking on me?"

Masked Bad Guy: "You got to understand. I picked you because you're just a normal guy, living a normal life. Normal guys have tree trunks for arms. I made you go through 12 Rounds where I set you on fire inside a trapped car and tortured you with a whip. Don't forget when I ran you over with a speeding Crown Victoria. I did all this because quite frankly I have nothing else better to do. And I'm quite lonely..."

Cena: "Look around you! We're at WrestleMania!"

Bad guy rips off his mask to reveal...

JBL!

JBL: "I shocked the world! Muhahaha!"

Then another explosion. Boom!

Then Show and Vickie could steal the Edge-Lita bit and do a "Sexcelebration" in the ring. Crowd starts leaving the arena in massive numbers.

I hope that just because WWE had Legacy beat up Trips does not give them a reason to do another round of "Trips chases Orton with a sledgehammer."

A holdover show. Taker, Cena, Edge, Trips, and Orton were all the strong points. However, most of the other show was just flat.

SMACKDOWN'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Well, it's time to go. See you when I see you. Check out http://www.trunkmonkeyad.com/ for clips of trunk monkeys that my Dad found hilarious. Check out "Theft Retrieval System" and "Monkey Bribes Cop" clips. I have no idea what a trunk monkey is.
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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