By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

In the film "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure," Pee-wee's bike is stolen from him. He suspects that his arch-rival Francis has stolen it from him. So he goes to Francis's mansion and he beats him up. But Francis doesn't have his bike (Francis paid somebody to steal it).

Suffering from the loss of his bike, Pee-Wee learns from a fortune teller that his bike is in the basement of the Alamo, in the heart of Texas. After seeing the bit WWE did where Trips went to Randy's mansion and committed more criminal acts, it brought up to mind that maybe WWE wants the Trips-Orton feud to be like Pee-wee vs. Francis.

The following are lines and some pics taken directly from the movie (with help from imbd.com), albeit minor changes to help tell the story of ...

TRIPLE H'S BIG ADVENTURE

[It is a sunny day in Stamford, Connecticut. Trips awakens, slips on his bunny slippers, and proceeds to have breakfast]

Mr. Breakfast: Good Morning, Triple H.
Triple H: Good Morning, Mr. Breakfast.
Mr. Breakfast: Can I have some Mr. T cereal?
Triple H: Okay.
[Picks up the Mr. T cereal box and mimics Mr. T's voice]
Triple H: I pity the fool who don't eat my cereal.
[After finishing breakfast, Trips heads off towards the mall with his WWE championship belt in tow, his most prized possession. His arch-rival, Randy Orton, shows up]
Orton: Today's my birthday and WWE says I can have anything I want.
Triple H: Good for you.
Orton: So guess what I want.
Triple H: A set of balls?
Orton: No. Your title!
Triple H: Hahaha!
Orton: What's so funny, Trips?
Trips: I wouldn't give you my title for all the money in the world. Not for a hundred million, trillion, billion dollars! Not even if it was for the future of the company and I was 60 years old!
Orton: Then you're crazy!
Triple H: I know you are but what am I?
Orton: You're a nerd!
Triple H: I know you are but what am I?
Orton: You're an idiot!
Triple H: I know you are but what am I?
Triple H, Orton together: I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I?
Triple H: Infinity!
Orton: No, I'm not.
Orton, Triple H together: You are! No way! Knock it off! Cut it out!
Orton: Shut up, Triple H!
Triple H: Why don't you make me?
Orton: You make me!
Triple H: Because. I don't make monkeys, I just train them!
Orton: Triple H, listen to reason.
[Triple H cuffs his hand around his ear in a listening motion]
Orton: Triple H!
Triple H: Shhhh! I'm listening to reason.
Orton: Triple H!
Triple H: That's my name, don't wear it out.
Orton: Remember the first time I saw your title? Remember in Evolution I came running out to tell you how much I liked it even way back then?
Triple H: I love that story.
[jumps on Vince's back and is carried away]
Orton: You'll be sorry, Triple H!

[Triple H goes to the mall to buy some baby oil and more DVD copies of "Blade: Trinity." Puts his WWE title inside a rented locker. When he comes back, the title has been stolen. Trips goes to the police and talks about how he thinks the Russians might have been involved, when it hits him...]

Triple H: Randy...

[Trips runs to Randy's mansion, knocking kids to the ground on the way]

Triple H: [Knocks on the door to Orton' house and his butler comes to the door] I wanna see Orton.
Manu: Orton is busy.
Triple H: Busy doing what?
Manu: Busy having his bath to wash off the baby oil. Why was I in Legacy again? Sim Snuka? Were you people high?
Triple H: Really, where are they hosing him down, Shamu?
[the butler slams the door, and Triple H knocks on it again, and the butler answers again]
Triple H: Me again.

[Trips bashes the butler's head in with a sledgehammer, causing the butler's brain to spill out on the floor. Because, in wrestling, you can commit acts freely that would get you lengthy jail time if you did that in the "real world". Trips charges up the steps and proceeds to smash all of Orton's friends with his sledgehammer. Orton is playing in his gigantic pool with his rubber duckies. Trips comes in and tries to choke him out]

Bob Orton: [after Triple H and Randy wrestle in the bathtub] Trips, Trips what is going on here?
Trips: He's a thief, he stole my title.
Randy: You liar. I swear I didn't do it, dad.
Bob: Triple H, this is a wild accusation. Do you have any proof?
Trips: Well, not exactly.
Bob: Triple H, the Ortons are not thieves. We've been preparing Orton's birthday plans all day. Look at him,
[Randy gives a sad puppy face]
Bob: He couldn't have stolen your title.
Trips: Gee, I guess I was wrong, and I'm very sorry.
Bob: I would like you to apologize to Randy, and I would like the both of you to shake hands.
Trips: I'm sorry, Randy.
[Shakes his hand, and reaches for his trick gum]
Trips: Here, would you care for some gum?
[Randy takes a piece of trick gum]
Trips: Would like some Mr. Orton?
Bob: Oh, thank you.
Trips: Spearmint, or fruit?
Bob: Uh, fruit please.

[Triple H then throws Randy and his daddy out of the window, all caught by the ever-so-diligent WWE camera crew. Kids everywhere applaud Triple H for breaking the law and resorting to violence to solve his problems. The Ortons pluck glass shards from their eyeballs. Triple H is offering a $10,000 reward to whoever finds his title. Triple H then asks everybody (okay, demands) from the entire WWE roster to go into his basement to find out the whereabouts of his missing title. The following is actually a planned episode of Smackdown.]

Triple H: [holding a pen] Exhibit "D"! Edge, what is this - too late! Cena?
Cena: Uh... it looks like a pen.
Triple H: Exactly! I bought this pen one hour before my title was stolen. Why? What's the significance? I don't know!

[Three hours into Triple H's long, boring meeting, Triple H shows a scale-model of the mall where his title was stolen, with arrows pointing certain spots as well as the X showing where his title was]
Triple H: Exhibit "Q!" A scale-model of the entire mall! X marks the scene of the crime. These arrows here show the exact position of the sun at the hour of the crime. Jupiter was aligned with Pluto! The moon was in the seventh...
Shawn Michaels: Hunter!
Triple H: Please save your questions until I'm THROUGH, Shawn!
Shawn Michaels: Well, when will that be? A long time, we wait! We've been here for over 3 hours now, and I'm not sure if any of us can see what all this is supposed to mean.
Triple H: Supposed to mean? SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!
[breaks his pool cue]
Triple H: The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

[Everyone is leaving Triple H's basement, while Triple H goes on ranting, as he is apt to do]
Steph: Hunty, let's go up and get some fresh air, alright?
Triple H: What for?
Steph: Because it's hot in here.
Triple H: Hot? Who's hot? Feels just fine to me.
[sarcastically]
Triple H: I feel just PERFECT! In fact, I can't remember when I felt quite so COZY down here!
Steph: Hunty, I think I can get Vince to give you another title, just like with Booker's created one.
Triple H: I don't want some other crappy title!
Steph: Well, Triple H, listen, if you want my help...
Triple H: [shouting] I DON'T want your help! I don't need the police and I DON'T NEED YOU!
[screaming]
Triple H: I DON'T NEED ANYBODY! STRAINED...FACE...UGHHH...

[Triple H proceeds to smash everything within sight with his sledgehammer. After calming down, he talks to Steph]

Triple H: There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Steph. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand.
Steph: I don't understand.
Triple H: You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Steph. A rebel. So long, Steph.
[Triple H goes off to look for his title. He visits a fortune teller to tell him where his possession is. The fake fortune teller tells him that the title is located in the basement of the Alamo. Triple H heads off to Texas and gets picked up by a trucker]

Triple H: Some night, huh?
Steve Austin: On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I saw the worst accident I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building... And when they pulled the driver's body from the twisted, burning wreck. It looked like this...
[Shows Triple H vs. Kozlov from a movie player]
Triple H: Aaaaaahh!
Steve Austin: Yes, sir, the worst accident I ever seen.
Triple H: (deciding to get off) Have a nice day.
Steve Austin: Be sure and tell 'em Stone Cold sent ya! Heh heh heh heh heh.

[Trips is dropped off at a bar. Unknown to Trips the bar is the hangout of the "Held Down" gang. The Held Down is a large group of wrestlers who have been held down by Trips himself]

RVD: Did anybody tell you that this is the private club of the Held Down?
Triple H: Nobody hipped me to that, dude.
[the whole gang holds Trips hostage]
RVD: I say we kill him!
Held Down: [shout] Yeah!
Kane: I say we hang him, then we kill him!
Held Down: [shout] Yeah!
Booker: I say we stomp him!
Held Down: [shout] Yeah!
Chris Jericho: Then we tattoo him!
Held Down: [shout] Yeah!
Chris Jericho: Then we hang him!
Held Down: [shout] YEAH!
Chris Jericho: And then we kill him!
Held Down: [shout] YEAH!
Triple H: [tries to throw voice without moving lips] I say we let him go.
Held Down: [shout] NO!
Chyna: [whistles] I say ya let me have him first!
Held Down: [break out in raucous laughter]

[Trips then proceeds to get pummeled. Where's Shane-o-mac when you need him? Trips manages to get away and is picked up by a TNA wrestler who is on the run from the cops...]

[Triple H looks at Samoa Joe's hand as he is wearing one handcuff]
Triple H: What did you do?
Joe: Well, I lost my temper and I took a knife and I uh... Do you know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses?
Triple H: Yeah.
Joe: Well I CUT one of them off!
Triple H: Gee.
Joe: Yeah, I have a real bad temper.
Triple H: Boy, I always thought that was the dumbest law.

[Joe and Trips head down to Texas. Trips asks him about the logic of TNA booking, which causes both men to lose consciousness and crash into a wall]

[after Triple H passes out]
Texan: What's your name?
Triple H: I don't remember.
Texan: Where are you from?
Triple H: I don't remember.
Texan: Do you remember anything?
Triple H: I remember... the Alamo.
[Texans cheer]

[Triple H decides to call Steph to let her know about the progress he has made]

[Steph answers the phone]
Steph: Hello?
Triple H: Hi, Steph, it's Hunty!
Steph: Hunty? Where are you calling from?
Triple H: Texas!
Steph: Huh?
Triple H: Honest! I'll prove it!
[singing]
Triple H: The stars at night are big and bright...
Passersby: [singing and clapping] ... deep in the heart of Texas!

[Even though Steph pleads with Trips to show up at WrestleMania 25, he is still convinced that his title is in the basement of the Alamo]

Triple H: Aren't we gonna see the basement?
Tour Guide: [laughs] There's no basement at the Alamo!

[Triple H proceeds to smash the tour guide's head in with a sledgehammer. He spends the next week listening to the band "Pretty Girls Make Graves" and crying uncontrollably. WWE finds him in his hotel room, sobers him up, and tell him that the title was stolen by HBK. Trips says he understands and like a dear old friend, bans HBK to live out the rest of his contract wrestling in ECW. Vince makes Trips happy again by not only having him squash Orton at Mania, but also putting Triple H in the "Legends of WrestleMania" game as the ultimate legend. And plus some ice cream]

Jim Ross: Oh Hunter, you are an inspiration to us all!
Triple H: I'll say! I'm going to start another lackluster Smackdown championship reign right now! Here's a pedigree for your traitor ass, Christian!

[On the next Raw, during an interview with Todd Grisham...]

Triple H: [is handed a phone] Yes? Uh-huh. Yes, I understand.
[hangs up]
Triple H: That was the President again. I've got to steal back the X1 before the Soviets find the secret compartment containing the microfilm. The future of the free world is riding on this one. Come on, WWE garden-variety diva whose name I can't remember. Let's hop on this sweet bike and save the world again.

THE END

(image1 credit to imagecache2.allposters.com and flixster.com, image2 credit to buddytv.com, image3 credit to wrestlingwiththetruth.com and flixster.com, image4 credit to flixster.com and imagecache2.allposters.com, image5 credit to i111.photobucket.com and imagecache2.allposters.com, image6 credit to imcdb.org and imagecache2.allposters.com, image7 credit to imcdb.org and img511.imageshack.us, image8 credit to i37.photobucket.com and imagecache2.allposters.com, image9 credit to dallasvida.com and imagecache2.allposters.com, image10 credit to imcdb.org and imagecache2.allposters.com.)

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