By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"Choose your enemies carefully cause they will define you
Make them interesting cause in some ways they will mind you
They're not there in the beginning but when your story ends
Gonna last with you longer than your friends"

-"Cedars of Lebanon" by U2

I suppose if Taker wins at Mania he'll do his trademark "salute to the dark side" while confetti blows out of his evil ass. Pretty sad that two old dudes with the same gimmicks they'll been doing since the Clinton Administration is the main reason to check out RecessionMania so far.

JBL wins the IC Title. Uh huh. Well, JBL lost his chance to become World Champion at Rumble. Had to pay a big fat paycheck to Cowboy Chaps Boy at NWO. Lost his chance to face The Undertaker. Now he's gonna shock the world. He's going to face the legend. The myth. The man known as...Joey Styles. Payback's coming!

A "Miss WrestleMania" contest. How marvelous. At least WWE went out of their way to show the quick stinkfest that was Maryse vs. Melina. Diva matches nowadays have dumb and dangerous moves like power bombing someone near the ropes. That's real good. Take a tip from the X Division matches. Don't do anything really dangerous, hardly sell, and know full well that nobody is watching, the announcers are too busy hyping their feud or MEM, and that a character from a videogame is going to be a bigger deal than you.

Watch as the announcers put on big s--t eating grins and laughing hysterically as HOF grandmas slowly make it down to the ring. I understand they are legends and all that, but I'm more fearful that they're gonna break their hip. Same thing if Hulk Hogan came down the ramp. "Watcha gonna do, brother? SNAP..." The promise that "old diva legends" might show up save this thing from becoming an "internet special" like that ECW battle royale at the last WrestleMania. Stacy? Trish? Or can WWE only afford Tori?

Trips squashed Orton's first championship run. Squashed it good. Their feud is more of a summer blockbuster type of feud. WWE is more content of having Trips throw Orton through glass windows instead of exploring the rich tension between Trips and Orton. Sting and Angle have to go the route of Jerry Springer where they are screaming obscenities at each other and threatening to eat each other's children. They know that behind all of the yelling, they've got nothing.

Trips vs. Orton so far isn't "Past vs. Future," "Good vs. Bad," or "Experienced Legend vs. Hungry upstart who will do anything to win." It's more like Jerkwad vs. Jerkwad.

Edge vs. Show can be like Hogan vs. Warrior? "Tweet! 15 yard penalty for erroneous comparison!"

Quite the magic act WWE did in turning a 7-foot monster into a joke. If it is Cena vs. Edge vs. Show, the match is tainted with the memory of Vickie and Show getting it on. I would like to have Rey Mysterio put in the match make it a four-way to salvage this thing. Those crafty WWE writers. Figure that Show needed to be in a romantic relationship with Vickie to be in WrestleMania. You could at least picture Edge and Vickie in love. You might as well picture Chewbacca and an ugly poodle in love with Show and Vickie. This feud is the "Love Me Sexy" feud. It's good for comedy. It's not so much good in me giving a fig about this match at all.

I can imagine Big Show singing "Love Me Sexy" to Vickie from Cena's favorite movie, "Semi-Pro." (credit to image.maniadb.com and i17.photobucket.com for pic):

"Let’s get sweaty,
Let’s get real sweaty
I’m talkin’ rainforest sweaty,
I’m talkin’ swamp sweaty.
Let’s fill the bathtub full of sweat…alright.
Baby who wants to love me sexy uh
Baby are you ready to lick me sexy uh uh?"

Oh yeah.

RAW'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

When the freckled face of child star Danny Bonaduce showed up on TV screens across this nation, we had no inclination that one day he would be the savior of TNA (credit to cdn-www.cracked.com for pic).

Yes indeed, the former child star Danny Bonaduce might show up in TNAland. I'm actually excited about it. I need something to keep me from changing the channel whenever MEM is not on. Danny in the X Division. Danny in the Knockout Division. Danny becoming the Legends Champion. Anything. They pushed a ref fighting a wrestler. Right now they're pushing a joker in a spider-man outfit over the entire effin X Division. "Wow. Sabin vs. Shelly was a classic! But move over guys! Here comes Suicide down on a zip line!"

Another thing to note: When I was searching for pictures of the Duceman, there were a lot of pics of him half-nude or buck-ass naked nude. His book? "Random Acts of Badness." So far he fits in with TNA perfectly.

How does Danny Bonaduce fit into wrestling? Well, he was on Hogan Celebrity Championship Wrestling. He also starred in the David Spade movie "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star," where Spade's catchphrase was "that's nucking futs!" Which is actually cooler than Cena's "Ruck Fules!" You see, its dyslexic swearing. Impact could explore this territory and piss off those evil Spike TV censors.

I'm excited about Danny more than any TNA prospect coming down the pipe, since they'll get criminally underused. We're still waiting for Hernandez's World Heavyweight Championship quick loss.

Good job, boys. You're designing soap opera trash that focuses more on top stars than actual wrestling. The main claim to fame for big bad Spike TV in all of their mediocre glory (check out their website here) is showing Steven Segal movies to twits and stoners. There's probably somebody from Spike TV brass watching the X Division matches to make sure that they don't go longer than six minutes.

In college basketball people are shocked that a game can go into six overtimes. Now imagine an X Division match on Impact that went past 10 minutes. TNA would be chomping at the bits to have Sting and Angle rush out there, beat up those wimps, and sing and do the MEM dance. "We're coming up next! Stay tuned!"

MEM can have all of its talking segments, but it's never going to compare to the epic A.J. Styles vs. Joe vs. Christopher Daniels match years back.

Elijah Burke in TNA? His real-life "Black Pope" character is more interesting that any shtick Vince gave him. But TNA already has Booker to fit into the "nonsensical rambling" role.

Amidst all of the childish yelling and bickering, one of the most intriguing things TNA has done in the past month is the heel turn of Don West. I mention this because everything is usually done over the top in TNAland. It just can't be Sting vs. Angle by itself. Mr. "Choke on these nuts" Jarrett assigns himself to be the special guest ref. And for Foley? I wrote the following bit on an absurd report in February...

"Big question: can TNA resist the urge to have Foley be the special guest badass enforcer for this match? What do you think?"

I was wrong. Not only is Foley the special enforcer, but Double J is the special ref. Is there a noticeable difference between enforcer/ref? Truly those guys proved what dumb marks we all are. No way could we have predicted that TNA would put Foley as an enforcer to have something for him to do. Nor put two biased refs against Angle that makes the match basically scream, "Shocking betrayal storyline development."

If it is Sting vs. Foley at Lockdown, Foley's got to first defeat an opponent. That opponent? His extra 50 pounds. His love handles. Understand that fans can believe that he can morph into that crazy son-of-a-bitch Cactus Jack at any time, but Lockdown might feature two old guys in t-shirts.

For those who got upset of Angle using the term "butt buddies," you shouldn't be. Word is that he uses that term for everyone. At an autograph signing, that's what we all heard from Angle: "How you doing, butt buddy? Good. To my favorite butt buddy Mikey. Your Olympic Gold Medalist butt buddy, Kurt Angle." Male, female, young, old, it doesn't matter. Angle has had so much morphine shot into his broken neck that it's affected his brain. Thus, he calls everyone "butt buddy."

All jokes aside, Angle should probably keep his mouth shut. On the May 12, 2005 edition of WWE Smackdown, Angle cut a promo about Booker T 's wife, Sharmell, saying he wanted to have 'bestiality sex' with her and then 'that kind of perverted sex.'" When Kurt Angle comes to town, hide your pets.

Wrestlers usually have that skeleton in their closet in terms of storylines or character's actions. Some have graveyards in their closets. Kane will always be linked to Katie Vick. Horrible storylines/character development develops a special type of lore to them. Who has the most embarrassing god-awful moments?

Don West is quickly becoming my hero. I too have am becoming increasingly lazy at my work, bitter, and feel that my efforts aren't appreciated. West shows up in shades, a week-old beard, and a shirt that says, "I'm not as think as you drunk I am." It's also subdued. West shows up, Tenay complains about how drunk he is, and then West goes off to the bar. Would be a hoot if West actually pointed out the on-going stupidity on Impact or expressed how most fans feel ("Who are these knockouts? When will this be over so we can get to more MEM?")

Eric Young vs. Rocco. Yep, TNA couldn't have come up with something better. Two guys who could be already fired by the time you read these words.

IMPACT VERDICT: The "Moonlight Sonata - 1st Movement" of Absurdity

Edge gets the sharpshooter? At least he's from Canada. Bret Hart is a sacred cow in wrestling, even though he's delusional most of the time.

Kofi Kingston, Tyson Kidd, and Evan Bourne vs. Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed, and Eric Young. Who is more credible?

It's nice to see that JoMizzy and Primo/Carlito are staking their claim that they should have a tag team match at Mania. I remember one WrestleMania where Carlito pretty much wasted his opportunity with Ric Flair. There was this big hub bub about it and soon Carlito was shown on WWE TV running into walls after Hornswoggle Looney Tunes style.

Not a lot of people like R-Truth anymore. He's the weaker version of Kofi.

Matt's promo...well, they're going with Matt trying to kill Jeff all this time. Man, we had visions of Christian being the culprit. The Matt vs. Jeff feud is fine enough, but at their Mania match they definitely have to prove it belongs there. Good move in having Matt being "the responsible one" and giving a good reason into why he tried to kill Jeff all this time.

Looks like they're going "old" with the MITB. Mark Henry, Finlay, and Kane? Yeah. Not my cup of tea, but the old dogs at least get a WrestleMania spot...though not exactly what fans wanted. Bourne vs. Swagger for ECW championship?

WWE in general just doesn't like small guys (credit to cdn.buzznet.com):

I do admit Kozlov eating two losses this week make my insides warm. WWE still has three weeks left to go to their WrestleMania buildup. It's universal that it's been poor so far. WWE fanboys keep telling themselves that "the good stuff" will come soon because Vince-o-Mac is paranoid about leaks or fan burnout. It's not just about the destination; it's enjoying the journey on the way there.

SMACK'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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