By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

Well, I'm afraid
It doesn't make me smile
I wish I could laugh
But that joke isn't funny anymore
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone
More than you'll ever know

-"That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" by The Smiths

TNA is actually doing us all a favor.

You see, they purposely make their PPVs so bad that next time you'll know better not to buy it. Thanks TNA. You're saving us money.

I try to imagine if sport shows today tried to analyze TNA's latest PPV dump. "Hey Jim. Never mind us talking about brackets or how the economy affects baseball teams. Did you catch that ODB segment! Ha ha! It's insightful comedy that doesn't patronize its audience! Ha ha! My insides hurt when I think about Joe killing Steiner!" (credit to dansteinberg.com for pic).

I wrote in the ABSURD preview that the card look somewhat respectable on paper. I didn't think it would become "Against All Odds 2: Even Worse." But TNA went out of their way to punish fans for buying the PPV.

Brutus Magnus? I thought TNA left him behind. So you squashed Eric Young. The man Sting picked to represent him in the main event. Because Young was supposedly somebody to believe in. Uh huh.

Maybe they should understand that wrestling PPVs are not supposed to feature crap bits like Bashir Hates America part XXIII, Captain Chaos squashes "young talent," and ODB stinks it up with drudge that should have never seen the light of day. They should have flashed a message on the bottom of the screen: "All Sales Final." It's good to see them wasting time on the PPV.

The Bashir bit. Xenophobia and patriotism are all well and good, but I didn't buy the PPV to see this. TNA looked like a chump here as they "pulled the strings" of the fans. How about some original content?

TNA replies back with the repackaging of Joe. Remember when Joe was cool? By comparison, WWE painting Orton like a coward doesn't look nearly as bad.

Morgan vs. Abyss. Wow. Didn't think it would turn out to be such a lackluster affair. TNA PPVs did have that vibe that their hardcore matches were going to contain crazy s---. Glass shards bump? It's like TNA goes out of their way to prove out predictable they are. I want glass shards on fire, dude. The Morgan vs. Abyss feud actually had potential at one point. Now I'll rather go back to Abyss talking about the Jonas Brothers to some doc again. Disappointing.

I thought that the "ODB segment" on the PPV was going to be a quick and forgettable affair. Should have last two minutes, tops. "Ha ha she picked Shark Boy." And we move on. Instead TNA pumps it up like it was comedy gold. The "ODB dating scene" just seared into people's minds that not only will be they be chumps for buying TNA PPVs, but that TNA is a joke. People should have been throwing toilet paper in the ring. I can only assume that it was scripted by idiots and presented for idiots.

You know a PPV segment is bad when fans would rather watch a cat fashion show. Silly, stupid, and a waste of your money? You bet. But Mr. Snuggles at least doesn't try to insult your intelligence by rubbing its crotch to the tune of cheesy game show music. No amount of beer could have made this funny, and I would know. Because the only way to watch TNA is when you're loaded! Whoo! They should have shown Jarrett naked in the back, rubbing himself with money. "This is what you paid for! Mmmm! Your money all over my naked body! Yay!" (credit to files.dogster.com for pic).

Yet another stinker with Kong vs. Sojo. I want to see if they can keep this up the entire year. It's like they are oblivious to just how poor Kong PPV matches are.

Joe? I think he might win the 2009 Absurd Award for "worst comeback ever." And we thought his championship reign was bad. This is amateur hour. Understand that they want to paint Joe as this badass, but the devil is in the details. It's hard not to laugh at Joe in his new silly getup and his dumb-as-hell bit of killing Steiner (credit to img296.imageshack.us)

A.J. Styles becomes "Legend Chumpion." Book: "I want my damn title back!" Hooray for numbskulls fighting over useless items!

Team 3D vs. Beer Money...no, they didn't have the "beer spit" finish, but these guys certainly didn't justify Beer Money getting counted out in a ho-hum match.

While Angle vs. Sting was nice, it's like TNA forgot how to truly shock the fans in a good way. There was nothing here that screamed, "You had to be there." Sting bumping Foley. Whoopee.

It's not like they didn't have time. Impact was struggling just to make it to the PPV. It's like they planned the PPV five minutes before the show started. Can we get a do-over? Save us, Danny Bonaduce! Save us all!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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