By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

Yes, folks. Looks like it's the end of MEM. TNA actually had the balls to title the show "Which side is Sting on?" You've been dragging this thing out for two months now. And it's obvious you don't want any real storyline developments to happen during your PPVs.

Scott Steiner does his best "Rey Mysterio's intro costume" with wearing a skull-mask over his face. Is that even Steiner under there? And what was the point of him coming out if a) he didn't speak and b) we couldn't tell if it was him?

Never mind that. MEM comes out in their new matching tracksuits. Black with gold trim. Very nice. Snazzy.

MEM, Jarrett, and Foley spend forever getting to the main eventzzzzzz.

Commercial break: There's nothing wrong with you if you watch Spike TV's "1,000 ways to Die." How about "1,000 ways to make the world a better place for people around you?" Nobody likes happy junk like that. "You're could die by falling into a tree chipper! Muhahaha!"

Impact comes back strong with their plugging of their product shown on Xbox Live and Zune. That's how they nickel and dime ya.

The graphic for the "big ass main event we just brought into fans's minds fives minutes ago" shows Foley oddly mystified and perturbed by his own hand. Guess there's something funny in those pumpkin pies. (credit to everbreezefarms.com for pic).

Probably the most annoying thing about X Division matches is that the announcers around one minute in will start to hype the main event. Nice stuff here.

It is odd if you DVR Impact. If you fast-forwarded, this was the sequence of events: Guns vs. No Limit --> Beer Money talking to Team 3D about putting their titles up at Lockdown. What's refreshing about an Impact after a PPV is usually it features two bloodthirsty teams who will fight each other...at the PPV. What will they do in the meantime? Standard wrestling crud, I suppose. Run-ins and promos galore. Wouldn't want to put up the titles before the PPV. And we sure don't want to directly rip off JoMizzy vs. Primo/Carlito's WrestleMania feud.

X Division matches don't really feel like matches. They feel more like TNA's excuse to do some more promos. "There you go. Happy now? Now can we get back to more talking head segments? Geesh."

The wacky couple of Jarrett and Foley are chilling in the back. Slapnuts is upset that Foley forced him into the match. Gee, as I recall from the past months Slapnuts has played the role of wrestler/ref/enforcer. TNA: Forget what we showed you.

My favorite part about Foley's "I loves me some pumpkin pies" promo is while Foley was diving deep into making his stay at TNA a credible one, directly behind him was posters of Foley and Jarrett. Nothing odd about that. Why the owner and the executive shareholder would have pictures of each other in their shared office. There was also a poster of Samoa Joe. The best course for Joe right now is to get "re-injured" by MEM again so that his character doesn't suck so much. Hell, I'll take "Joe cuts finger opening his mail" type of weird injury.

Here's the list of questionable stuff Foley had during his stay with TNA: Foley's "I admit it. I was a junkie...for roller coasters" promo. The "retirement." The "Hardcore History." Al Snow at a PPV main event. Seemingly always being the special enforcer. And owning Frontline all by himself. Kudos to anyone if they remembered the bit where Alex Shelley got under Foley's skin. The whole "Frontline" thing was a mess.

TNA "iTunes" looks fancy. You can show the TNA product to your friends. Your co-workers. Your parole officer.

Cody Deaner. Think up the most stereotypical images of a redneck. Okay. Now vomit those same very images onto a piece of paper. You have Cody Deaner. A cross between that bounty hunter Dog and some demonic redneck monstrosity (credit to thewrestlingguild.com for pic).

Knockouts do their thing. Deaner comes in to do his bit. It's hard to write into words describing the facial expression of Deaner when he was protecting ODB from bad back Kong (I drew a picture of it, it's at the bottom of the page). It was somewhat comforting, this embarrassing act that Jamie Noble wouldn't be caught dead doing. Every time you think you can wear a TNA shirt in public, TNA trots out Cody Deaner and you feel happy inside, knowing that TNA is still a joke. This is what iTunes was made for. Show Deaner to your friends. Your coworkers. Your therapist. TNA: If you don't get it, lower your standards.

It was pretty painful to watch Deaner put up his dukes and sell fear in the most "comic relief" way possible.

Check out Joe. Mike Tyson Tattoo + Stereotypical Teenage Angst + Wannabe Stone Cold Impression = Joe 2009. Wanna be like Joe? Take out a black marker and draw curly circles on your face. Now you're a homicidal dork that no one should look up to.

It is funny how TNA keeps out trotting out that catchphrase "Nation of Violence." Like we're all going to get our pitchforks and our twelve-inch blades and hunt down people Joe doesn't like...which is...presumably everybody. I know we're all up in this "Anti-hero" bizness, but I'm wishing that a clean-cut do gooder comes in to save us from these idiots running around and being jackasses. Hell, I'll take a Bob Backlund vs. Joe feud. Put that dork in a crossface chickenwing, Backlund! (credit to i289.photobucket.com for pic).

Angle talks to Borash backstage. MEM security guards do their best scowling.

Meanwhile Joe kidnaps an American backstage. TNA shows some audience members with their arms crossed and with hands on their hips. They're probably disappointed that Joe didn't snap Bashir's neck in the middle of the ring.

Commercial Break: "Play Resident Evil 5, kids! Whee! Play as a bulked up superhero alongside a sexy femme fatale as you rampage across Africa, killing poor infected citizens, stealing their gold, and blowing s--- up! It's got zombies riding motorcycles, you noobs!" (credit to media.techeblog.com for pic).

And no, that wasn't me standing in line at my local Gamestop around midnight waiting to pick up my pre-ordered copy of RE5.

The good thing about Madison Rayne is that they're showing a hell of a lot less of Cute Kip. Although Rayne's main talent is apparently carrying a bag and looking moody. I'm not sure if half of the promos on an Impact are worth listening to.

If Joe wins the award for "Worst Created Male Wrestler In Wrestling Video game" design, fake Sarah Palin wins the female version of that same award. Why should I chant "TNA! TNA! TNA!" in a drunken frenzy when one of your knockouts wrestles in a suit with taped ankles? Could ya just give her regular wrestling gear?

Best part of the night was the Styles-Booker promo. Cornette making the Legends Title credible means not all hope is lost.

Geez, Joe. Kinda thought you go after MEM. You've got Bashir hung upside down. Are you going to disembowel him, Joe? Why don't you pick on somebody your own size? No, we don't get to see Bashir's guts spill out onto the floor. Joe picks up a kendo stick and whacks Bashir. WWE Divas use kendo sticks, Joe. You're trying to be like a death metal band but in reality you're just some pathetic neo-metal band that tries to hang with the big boys.

Main event time. Next week there is a 20-man Gauntlet match inside a steel cage. There's always an uneasy feeling in your stomach when you hear stuff like this. Memories of the "reverse battle royale" come up.

Team 3D shows up because...uh....um...

Anyways, big deal of this match (other than Angle carrying that big lug Foley around) is that Foley hits Sting with a chair. After the match is over, Sting gives a very thoughtful, precise and passionate promo. Impressive, considering he just got his brains scrambled. Sting's only got one volume nowadays: VERY LOUD. "HEY, YOU DAMN KIDS! STAY OFF MY LAWN! DON'T TOUCH MY CAR!"

Backstage, Jeffy and Mickey are drinking apple juice from their sippy cups. "Why, oh why Mick did ya hit Sting?"

Foley, being a thoughtful guy he is, does his best "I'm tired from drinking all day" expression and gives a promo explaining his actions: "I don't know. What the hell. Whatever." Atta boy. Pretty much how I feel about your feud with Sting.

FINAL SAY: I will cherish the moment where Deaner looked up at Kong and made everybody embarrassed in watching Impact.




Not quite a bad Impact. The obvious low points were the Cody Deaner and the homicidal Joe bits. It showed the two extremes of the TNA product and both were gah-awful. On one hand TNA wants to be campy bad with lame ass jokes that work on a zany appeal (Deaner), and then on the other hand they want their young talent to cross the line, destroy stuff, commit felonies, swear like girl scouts, and generally be violent psychopaths wrestlers not at all interested in wrestling.

Angle, Booker, Steiner, and Beer Money against Styles, Joe, Team 3D and ...what the hell...Rhino at Lockdown. Or the MEM security guards could take the place of Beer Money. You never know.

IMPACT'S VERDICT: Reeking In Absurdity Awesomeness
Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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